So is that what Fearful Avoidant looks like (?)

In addition, for all you know her issue might be that she seeks and finds "rescuers" who keep her in a child role, in need of help and rescue and protection, when she actually yearns to mature and stand in her own two feet as a woman and as an artist.

If that's the case (and whether it is or not, as an observer I definitely see this as realistic): the last thing she needs is this dynamic continuing. Let her find herself, let her take care of herself. She is a young woman but she is a WOMAN. She may very well like to make it out from underneath your wing. You've described how you see her enough to make it clear that you see her as a prize but not as an equal. That's not fair. I am not trying to be tough on you. I'm just bringing up something troubling here, as I see it in your posts. You're in the helping/ rescue role, and that's not good for either of you.

Thankyou for the insight and sharing your experience annieb

I agree that mirroring is often involved in accusations. I certainly saw a lot of the traits in the person accusing too. And you'v pointed out a good rule of thumb that If you are being aggressively accused of something like that for it to be a red flag in itself. Though I could be wrong.

I would like to add that my post was also intended for me and anyone reading to think about the commonalities in presentations of defence mechanisms. For example passive aggresive behaviour,subtle manipulation, self deprication, sensitivity to rejection......In fact as I read through the list of "signs of covert narcassism" Almost every one could be applied to FA behaviour too....And if I'm being honest to me too.

The only real difference I can tell is below the surface. The motivation behind it. I don't identify much with the need for attention. In fact I often shy away from it.

I also would like to point out the need for people to pathologize someone who hurt them for ego defence. We've all been guilty of that at some point I imagine. I think it's a rare person these days that doesn't have a story about their "narc" ex. I can't imagine true NPD is quiet that common.

Thankyou for the personal compliments Annieb. I won't comment on them further than that lest I be tempted to hijack the OP's thread. 😁

@kai

Good for you. The ability to stay away even though it's painful is pretty secure. I applaud you for it.

I would say however, like many people with attachment/ mood problems she almost certainly DOESN'T know what she she needs right now. But for that reason it's best to do you're own thing and let her work it out herself. Most likely through a series of very painful events that shock her into seeing reality. It would be nice to think you could help her see this dysfunction and save the pain, and I believe you would try, at least partly out of genuine compassion.

But as had been said on here a bunch of times and as I can personally attest. If you try it will be counterproductive. She will go into defence mode, distance herself and probably deeper into denial/avoidance.

At least that's what I did/do when people tried convince me other wise or "help".

Just have to try look after yourself In painful times like this my friend. Talk to us when you need. It's nice to be part of a community when you're in pain.

I’m sorry it turned out this way! But she is wise to take her time for herself and hopefully this will bring new opportunities for you and as always with these things in hindsight it’s pretty much always for the best (although it hurts so much in the moment)!

To hijack this thread - the difference that I have observed between a classic FA or DA and a narcissist or borderline is that there is just that tiny bit of awareness and that it’s is not a “personality disorder”. A personality disorder is literally so ingrained that there is absolutely no way to penetrate that. I do not believe a true narcissist or a borderline would be on any of these boards tearing themselves apart and painfully rebuilding like most of us are here. I don’t know if I’ve met the real narcissist and who knows, but I believe there was one, my former boss - a woman, and my last serious relationship - a man.

The woman - she went into regular rages; where she would say the meanest things to everyone around her and then the next day she would day sweet as a pie. She would stonewall her employees and pick scapegoats every couple weeks, which she would then fire and turn everyone against. She’s gone through hundreds of employees and domestic help for no reason. She’s completely alienated her oldest adopted daughter And four of the other siblings are all in a feud. She regularly disses and tries to divorce her husband, who’s really just a regular guy trying to keep his head above water. If you confront her and try to help her she will turn on you. Etc. Etc. She has many amazing qualities, but they are all in the context of these terrible narcissistic rages.

Even the worst FAs and DAs I’ve met do not go to these extremes. To have a personality disorder; there can’t be any self awareness, no one can penetrate that. For a narcissist to seek help, something really terrible and rock bottom has to happen to them. They would have to be committed to a mental institution and they would still manipulate their way out of it, etc.