How to successfully speak to FA ex about attachment styles?

Also….it is very normal to hope and wish that the other person will discover his/her attachment issues and want to change them….but just as yours did not develop overnight…the same is true for your ex. A lot of time, people will decide to continue as they are instead of having to address the deep wounding that they experienced. That is not something that you can influence unfortunately. My suggestion is to close the door completely, focus on yourself and I suspect once you get enough time and distance away…you will see so many better options out there in the world.

I’ve mentioned “avoidant” and “fearful avoidant” when I’ve put pieces together (within a push pull relationship I’ve been with with other avoidants (I’m a FA myself, although somewhat reformed and sometimes secure, and sometimes DA)), and the reaction I’ve gotten was either silence or “we can do better”. Or “I don’t think I’m an avoidant”. (Hey, he was probably correct and simply “avoided” me because he didn’t actually like me; there is always that very real possibility 😂). I’ve never met anyone, who would be receptive to any of my psychoanalysis of them so I’ve stopped doing that (it is annoying and it was my own cope so to speak). Until the guy I’m dating now pulled the attachment theory out himself on the second date. To my delight 🤓

This does not work unless the person comes to you about it. Otherwise it comes off as you trying to save and change someone else, which is threatening and puts them into the defensive. Think about if you broke up with an ex and several weeks later they came to you to tell you what was "wrong" with you. Considering attachment wounding generally is most sensitive to romantic relationships, you're simply not the right person to be the messenger for this type of information to be heard and received.

I have had success when friends came to me in earnest in pain asking if there's anything "wrong" with them. My response is not wrong, but have you ever heard of attachment theory? It may help explain what you're experiencing, you should look more into it and we can talk about it if you're interested. Outside of this context, I've had zero success sharing attachment theory with people who weren't looking for their own answers in the first place.

Something that the insecure reconciliation fantasy where the ex becomes magically secure doesn't take into account btw is that shifting attachment style fundamentally changes people and their dynamics. If the attraction was primarily influenced by attachment wounds coming together (as is generally the case in the anxious and avoidant trap), then you may easily grow apart as one or both of you changes. Insecure attachers tend to not know themselves well because they are disconnected from themselves, and they need to get to know themselves again as they become more secure. Which means they may end up as someone you don't fully recognize. And if someone, like your ex, becomes secure and available and you don't do the same work on your attachment issues, you'll actually lose interest. Because AP and FA don't feel longing for someone emotionally available and present. It feels unfamiliar and off.

All of this is to say, focus on yourself to move forward and actually feel better in a long-term way. Staying in a rumination fantasy is actually a dysfunctional coping mechanism to keep you stuck and avoiding truly processing, healing, and regulating yourself without someone else to do it for you.

One is cyclical the other progressive?

Stitchfull, you have here some really good replies, although they might be not what you wanted to read. I can say, from my experience, that talking about THEIR issues can be triggering for an FA and they will deactivate even more.