Struggles that have nothing to do with commitment

Also, this is what has been happening inside of me over the last few years to bring me to a place of being able to be ok ( not 100%) at all of the healing points but enough to totally change my life.

I always had doubts when I wasn't fully connected enough with myself to 1. know what I really wanted in life, which meant I wasn't present or content enough to be okay with letting things just be. And 2. when I wasn't healed enough from my attachment issues to feel okay with myself no matter what happens. And I don't mean in an anxious, I need someone to complete me way. I mean, truly having my own back and being confident in that and it not coming out of necessity ie from a place of distrust for others. (For an anxious, that distrust would manifest as I'll always be too much for others and others can never meet my needs so it'll eventually end somehow, which is different than the distrust you'd feel, but I still think it's a different sides of the same coin depth and vulnerability issue.)

Prior to my current relationship, I always had doubts. Many tied to these two points. But now it's very much, we'll work as a team to deal with whatever comes, or maybe it'll be something that's my problem that I need to deal with mostly on my own but I'll still let him know, and not jumping too far ahead that I'm not present while also basically trusting that I don't need to have doubts because he and I will manage whatever comes next as well as any two people can. And there will be really difficult things to handle, since there's still a pandemic that may threaten our health or the health or those close to us, and even without a pandemic we'll have to start thinking about elder care issues for our families. In addition to trying to do family planning during a pandemic when there's no small child vaccine yet. So it's not an issue of magical thinking and ignoring the realities, I just am at a place where I trust myself and I trust him and we're adults so we'll deal with whatever.

I truly feel like my lack of doubt is entirely a result of my healing and relationship with myself, and my ability to then choose a partner I'm aligned and compatible with who I can trust. And if that doesn't work out it'll suck but also be fine eventually. So my point in all this is, I think you're okay. I think you're still in process, and maybe you're hitting a wall that you're retreating from a little bit and sidestepping or taking a couple steps back. But that's okay because it's highlighting where else your next healing steps are.

If you and your partner are strong, which you sound like you are from how you've worked through communicating your individual issues thus far, I think you can talk to him about this without instilling fear for him. It's in the framing: this is all you and has nothing to do with him or your relationship. But you're still struggling with it and wanted to share with him where you're at in dealing with it. Maybe he'll have ideas (or if you're just sharing and want listening not problem solving, let him know).

I can't give you next steps from the avoidant perspective, as what I know I've learned from my partners or on this forum and is already accessible to you. There may be a couple people checking in who used to post and can comment on where you are in the avoidant "process" and what may come next. But I don't think you're in a bad or hopeless place or that this needs to erode any of your gains. Again, it just highlights the next layers down that you'll need to address to heal, and that's progress even if it feels like it's not.

@introvert…I am at work passively browsing….but will make a point to fully read and respond later. 🙂.

I do have shame about all these feelings and the fact that I'm overwhelmed by what's essentially a beautiful thing with a wonderful man.

Ah thanks annieb that made me choke up, and also it's a very reasonable perspective re: gender roles and maintaining independence financially.
I'm going to re-read all of that. I really feel like screaming and crying. Yeah I am so afraid of letting everyone including myself down.

Well that's it, I realize right now that the feeling I have let everyone around me down my entire life has a total stranglehold on me, all this time, my entire life. Hadn't seen that for what it is but it's a major source of my pain. It applies to all areas. Even the team I compete on if I have a bad match. The shame is horrible.

God I feel like a little kid in a middle age body and it's unpleasant. I don't mind when I feel like a happy kid but this just sucks.