Post by spaghetti on Dec 20, 2021 5:58:51 GMT
Hey folks,
A while ago I posted trying to understand a break up a bit better from my ex's perspective. It's been a little bit since then and in many ways I'm doing a lot better, but I've fallen into quite the depressive episode despite my personal progress. I thought coming here to discuss it and hear some of your thoughts and experiences might help (and would give my journal a break).
It isn't hard for me to grasp why I developed an AP attachment type... there's a running list of unfortunate events that, for years, people have described as being too ridiculous for real life. I've got the classic childhood abandonment and the traumatic early relationship experiences boxes checked in permanent marker, and I'm lucky enough to have developed mental health disorders as a result. So yeah, it's been a good 10yr process of trying to unlearn a lot of unhealthy strategies on both the attachment and more general mental health fronts. The past month and a bit has been a really focused time for me, and I'm happy to report that I've gone 41 days without drinking and over a month without a panic attack, both of which are big wins for me personally. I've been doing a lot of therapy and working on skills in group meetings. I've been able to deal with a lot of things that have been weighing me down for years, even confronting some of my triggers recently and realizing that I've got a much better hold on my emotional regulation already. It's encouraging that I've managed that through a time where I'm really grieving a break up and would normally find myself spiralling in response to the loss. Though I still feel a lot for my ex, I haven't done anything to seek reassurance or relief from them. I've acted a lot differently that I would have in the past.
Unfortunately, it feels like these wins are also stirring up feelings of hopelessness. I can see that despite struggling with some personal issues during my most recent relationship, I made a lot of progress on acting more secure. I certainly won't pretend I earned a secure attachment, but I'd gotten better at sitting with discomfort or communicating about it calmly instead of letting anxiety get the best of me and control my behaviour all the time. When I worried something was off, I could check-in and accept their answer instead of obsessing. Now, in the aftermath of the break up, I'm really struggling not to backslide and feel as though listening to my insecurities could have saved me a lot of hurt. I spent a year pushing myself to accept that my (ex)partner was not my other exes or the other people who have hurt me, that they had given me no reason to expect the same from them, and that it was okay for me to feel some anxiety based on my experiences but no good would come from projecting that onto this person. They were extremely validating, they did not withhold affection, and they were happy to talk about the future. Conversations never got heated and I thought we had good communication. Then, one day, they left without warning and said they didn't want to talk for a while.
I know I can't find answers about my ex here and that it isn't helpful to ruminate. My problem is that I already had abandonment issues supported by a large number of unlikely experiences. I really didn't need another one, especially when the entire relationship felt so stable. I've discussed a lot of the details in therapy, and have received feedback that I'd done what I could to identify any signs of repeating patterns and to handle moments of insecurity better than I had in the past. My therapist told me that this break up is the most confusing one he's discussed with a client. I'm doing everything I can to improve my own life and wellbeing, in part so that I won't bring as much baggage (even if it's well organized baggage, lol) into my next relationship... but the idea of having another relationship without any more answers seems impossible to do in a healthy way. I just can't imagine feeling safe after this regardless of how secure the other person may be. I never would have imagined my ex could end the relationship like that, especially based on their behaviour right before the break up. It's depressing to feel like I could improve so much in my own life but still be unable to move on to starting a healthy relationship. I feel as though my ex will hold some power over my sense of security, regardless of whether or not there's any chance of reconciliation, until I understand what changed suddenly or why and how they hid their changed feelings so well. If they'd been more avoidant with me during the relationship, it wouldn't be so hard to grasp.
Has anyone managed to overcome something like this and feel more secure in future relationships? What did you do on your own to be able to trust again? How did you stop looking for things to beat yourself up about if there weren't any significant "bad times" during the relationship?
A while ago I posted trying to understand a break up a bit better from my ex's perspective. It's been a little bit since then and in many ways I'm doing a lot better, but I've fallen into quite the depressive episode despite my personal progress. I thought coming here to discuss it and hear some of your thoughts and experiences might help (and would give my journal a break).
It isn't hard for me to grasp why I developed an AP attachment type... there's a running list of unfortunate events that, for years, people have described as being too ridiculous for real life. I've got the classic childhood abandonment and the traumatic early relationship experiences boxes checked in permanent marker, and I'm lucky enough to have developed mental health disorders as a result. So yeah, it's been a good 10yr process of trying to unlearn a lot of unhealthy strategies on both the attachment and more general mental health fronts. The past month and a bit has been a really focused time for me, and I'm happy to report that I've gone 41 days without drinking and over a month without a panic attack, both of which are big wins for me personally. I've been doing a lot of therapy and working on skills in group meetings. I've been able to deal with a lot of things that have been weighing me down for years, even confronting some of my triggers recently and realizing that I've got a much better hold on my emotional regulation already. It's encouraging that I've managed that through a time where I'm really grieving a break up and would normally find myself spiralling in response to the loss. Though I still feel a lot for my ex, I haven't done anything to seek reassurance or relief from them. I've acted a lot differently that I would have in the past.
Unfortunately, it feels like these wins are also stirring up feelings of hopelessness. I can see that despite struggling with some personal issues during my most recent relationship, I made a lot of progress on acting more secure. I certainly won't pretend I earned a secure attachment, but I'd gotten better at sitting with discomfort or communicating about it calmly instead of letting anxiety get the best of me and control my behaviour all the time. When I worried something was off, I could check-in and accept their answer instead of obsessing. Now, in the aftermath of the break up, I'm really struggling not to backslide and feel as though listening to my insecurities could have saved me a lot of hurt. I spent a year pushing myself to accept that my (ex)partner was not my other exes or the other people who have hurt me, that they had given me no reason to expect the same from them, and that it was okay for me to feel some anxiety based on my experiences but no good would come from projecting that onto this person. They were extremely validating, they did not withhold affection, and they were happy to talk about the future. Conversations never got heated and I thought we had good communication. Then, one day, they left without warning and said they didn't want to talk for a while.
I know I can't find answers about my ex here and that it isn't helpful to ruminate. My problem is that I already had abandonment issues supported by a large number of unlikely experiences. I really didn't need another one, especially when the entire relationship felt so stable. I've discussed a lot of the details in therapy, and have received feedback that I'd done what I could to identify any signs of repeating patterns and to handle moments of insecurity better than I had in the past. My therapist told me that this break up is the most confusing one he's discussed with a client. I'm doing everything I can to improve my own life and wellbeing, in part so that I won't bring as much baggage (even if it's well organized baggage, lol) into my next relationship... but the idea of having another relationship without any more answers seems impossible to do in a healthy way. I just can't imagine feeling safe after this regardless of how secure the other person may be. I never would have imagined my ex could end the relationship like that, especially based on their behaviour right before the break up. It's depressing to feel like I could improve so much in my own life but still be unable to move on to starting a healthy relationship. I feel as though my ex will hold some power over my sense of security, regardless of whether or not there's any chance of reconciliation, until I understand what changed suddenly or why and how they hid their changed feelings so well. If they'd been more avoidant with me during the relationship, it wouldn't be so hard to grasp.
Has anyone managed to overcome something like this and feel more secure in future relationships? What did you do on your own to be able to trust again? How did you stop looking for things to beat yourself up about if there weren't any significant "bad times" during the relationship?
