End of engagement with DA

alexandra you're right, it really is a trap. I know it is as well but I can't get it out of my head, particularly as I feel in limbo where I am waiting to move into my own house so I am surrounded by the reminders of the relationship. 'Pulling teeth' is such an accurate way to describe the communication! I was absolutely more secure when we first met, and I was so patient and listened to what he said, and I do believe he tried too. But then I leant into anxious traits and he leant into avoidant traits even more so.
I'm sorry it didn't work out for you, and I expect that exact same result would pan out for me if it ever came to it. You're absolutely right that I'm focusing on imagined potential and not what's really in front of me. I don't know how to stop though!

As hard as it is, try to stop analyzing him. You have described an emotionally unavailable man here. And, he was emotionally unavailable from the start. You wrote that you tried many ways and many times to get him to open up, to no avail. From the beginning you thought (and were confident) he would change (open up, become emotionally available). He put down all the markers of a relationship except emotional availability. There is no security without emotional availability and the intimate connection (trust, vulnerability, openness).

The question is, why did you try so hard (and so codependently) with an unavailable man? That's the question you need to answer. You speak of anxious and avoidant "tendencies" and I think you minimize and deny the drivers of this situation - your anxiety and his avoidance. It's more than tendencies that create an ending like this. It's insecure attachment, codependency, unavailable relating. It didn't develop out of security, it was there from the beginning, he was closed off and you mistakenly thought you could change that. That is the foundation of an insecure relationship. Everything you built was built on that foundation and it crumbled.

It's sobering to face the fallout of our own insecure approach to relationships, but that's what we have to do because looking for answers in the ex is fruitless.

I think you must also have some heavy grief to process, do you have a therapist to work through all of this with?

You're on the right track.  We find what we are ready for... you found an emotionally unavailable man because you are also emotionally available.  The best people for us to repeat our insecure patterns with is other insecure people.  It's great that you recognize the pattern in yourself, and that's where you will need to keep your focus.  Anxious tend to believe that they are available... but they are in their own insecure relating that mimics but isn't actually ready and capable of intimacy and secure relating- there is too much of their own narrative to make room for someone else to be seen.  It's a lot of fantasy and then working to make reality out of that fantasy.  And then ending up surprised when reality crashes through.  It's painful on both sides but the only side you can take care of is your own.

I'm glad you have a therapist. Keeping her advice in mind as you write here might help you stay accountable to your own process instead of veering off into the ditch focusing on him.  Take good care of yourself too, turn that energy around into making sure you do what you need to do to be healthy in your body and your emotions.  You're probably overdue for some TLC so give that to yourself. 

@introvert ha, absolutely right about a lot of fantasy and then working to make reality out of that fantasy. So much hard work which ultimately would not lead to fruition! My therapist has already gently called me up on staying accountable to my own process rather than focusing on him. She's a good therapist as she challenges me in this way, much like this forum is helpful in this way too. I feel like there is a bigger picture here that I'm not quite grasping yet though - that I am emotionally unavailable myself - I guess it's learning what being emotionally available means. I have let self care slip, in terms of not eating well or taking care of myself through exercise. I've bought the ingredients for nourishing meals, but the energy of making anything feels too great. I just need to wade through and forward.

One of the reasons I post here often is because internet dating advice is generally terrible if people giving it aren't familiar with attachment styles. And most aren't. Then everything is about exactly what you said: they are seeing someone else, they're just not that into you, if they really loved you they'd change. No no no. While there are some people of poor character out there who are cheaters and jerks, most "confusing" partners are simply emotionally unavailable, as @introvert said, and that comes with a huge range of still-in-use dysfunctional defense mechanisms that applied to whatever they grew up with but does not apply to healthy adult relationships. On both ends, both the avoidant and anxious, this isn't about the other person beyond you have chosen someone unavailable. And if there's a pattern of doing that in your relationship history, it's for a reason (and the reason is related to whatever caused your insecure attachment style to develop to begin with). I'm sure his history of family and dating is full of red flags, and I'm sure yours is too. Avoidance is driven by fear of engulfment and anxious is driven by fear of abandonment. Both generally based in how you experienced childhood and needed to adapt to stay attached to people who couldn't fully meet your needs, since kids can't survive on their own and do need older people around for food and shelter. I continue to post to help people get to the right information instead of the unhelpful framing of, be suspicious and vigilant there's another woman! Or whatever, which is generally not the issue or the solution.

The outcome is still the same, though. You broke up because of emotional unavailability issues, and the way out is to focus on yourself and your own fears, to heal and process your own past. That sets you up to start earning security and from there eventually choosing better partners. That's what working with a therapist will help you with.

You do need time to mourn your loss, but ruminating is an anxious way to avoid processing, as in general there tends to be a fear that if you stop dwelling it will sever the connection "for real" (though the connection is already severed for real). But again, this goes back to whatever has happened in your experience that primed you to find ways to stay attached to people who don't meet your needs consistently and may even act unforgivably. Anxious internalize bad behavior against them as somehow their fault, partially because they see others as better and more trustworthy than self, and partially because if it's truly not your fault then it means accepting you have no control over another person and there's nothing you can do to get the relationship you believe you want from this person. And then how do you ever get your needs met???

However, the trick is, it's the relationship and connection to yourself that is the one truly abandoned and that you need to work on to overcome the pain you're feeling. It isn't a fast process but it's very worth it.

Don't feel sorry for me that things didn't work out. He was a terrible partner for me, and the pandemic has just magnified the value chasm between us. Wasting my time for such a big portion of my dating life (being AP) was annoying to say the least but it led to me earning secure and opening up, and I now have an absolutely amazing partner. Not idealized amazing, actually amazing: very consistent, mature, dependable, kind, actually enthusiastically building a life together with me.

Here's some food for thought in regards to understanding attachment triggering: jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/2372/overcoupling-stress-response