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Post by Deleted on Jan 17, 2022 16:27:38 GMT
Hey all. I've been off here for a while, just continuing to process the whole situation. I feel more frequent moments of clarity, and a hell of a lot of sadness. It's been interesting to explore that it is typical of an anxious attachment style to want to "fix"/"heal" someone. It's something I feel compelled to do, when it's not been asked of me and the person doesn't need to be "fixed" and it's purely my perception. We are still sharing the house (although don't see each other) and pets until I move soon. My ex has thrown himself into renovating the spare room, which deeply upset me as this was meant to be a room for our future child. His logic is that the house is very cold and the room needs doing up (which is true). We have spoken briefly on the phone. He says he isn't happy, and it all feels strange. I said perhaps we didn't understand each other very well. He agreed. I'm seeing a therapist, I'm journalling, having nice bubble baths and self care. Sometimes feel like I'm free falling and can't find my footing. But it's to be expected. Sending much gratitude and thank yous to everyone who has commented and offered support and alternative view points. It's incredible food for thought and has been so helpful. I'm so sorry you're in this painful situation, it must feel so surreal. I'm glad you're having some clarity and taking good care of yourself- not abandoning yourself now is a great gift. I hope you can move soon so you have your own space to heal in. |
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Post by fijiwater on Jan 17, 2022 20:16:12 GMT
Hey all. I've been off here for a while, just continuing to process the whole situation. I feel more frequent moments of clarity, and a hell of a lot of sadness. It's been interesting to explore that it is typical of an anxious attachment style to want to "fix"/"heal" someone. It's something I feel compelled to do, when it's not been asked of me and the person doesn't need to be "fixed" and it's purely my perception. We are still sharing the house (although don't see each other) and pets until I move soon. My ex has thrown himself into renovating the spare room, which deeply upset me as this was meant to be a room for our future child. His logic is that the house is very cold and the room needs doing up (which is true). We have spoken briefly on the phone. He says he isn't happy, and it all feels strange. I said perhaps we didn't understand each other very well. He agreed. I'm seeing a therapist, I'm journalling, having nice bubble baths and self care. Sometimes feel like I'm free falling and can't find my footing. But it's to be expected. Sending much gratitude and thank yous to everyone who has commented and offered support and alternative view points. It's incredible food for thought and has been so helpful. I'm so sorry you're in this painful situation, it must feel so surreal. I'm glad you're having some clarity and taking good care of yourself- not abandoning yourself now is a great gift. I hope you can move soon so you have your own space to heal in. Thanks @introvert  surreal is a fab way of describing it! I am really looking forward to having my own place to heal in. How are you doing? |
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Post by fijiwater on Jan 26, 2022 16:27:30 GMT
I am struggling somewhat today with typical anxious thoughts in my head, attaching to things. I've slowly been exploring my own attachment style, childhood and how to heal within myself, and I have another therapy session booked for next week. I want to understand myself and learn healthier ways of living and being with myself and relationships (with friends/family as well as romantic relationships).
But I get caught up in the thoughts of the spectrum of avoidance. My ex isn't a 'typical DA' (and he very well may not even be DA as this is purely speculation on my part which is obviously unhelpful, unhealthy and unfair), in the sense that he actively moved towards a relationship with me (although I initiated the conversation around whether we were in a relationship or not), introduced me to family, spent time with each others family and friends (mostly his friends rather than mine as I knew he didn't really feel comfortable with them), wanted to own a house together, talked about marriage and having a family.
He actively moved towards these things and in fact was the driving force behind them, rather than me asking for them. But the emotional element felt left out. He asked me to move in with him before we'd said that we loved each other. He planned holidays, buying a house, a car, pets, family etc - things we would share together. But I almost felt like I could be anyone to him and once he got those things/was on track for those things, he didn't seem overly happy or able to enjoy them. It was almost like we needed to move onto the next thing. We would go for a few summer walks and enjoy conversations, then the next day he said he didn't want to go out for walks anymore. His 'pulling away' wasn't as drastic as others I've read about.
When we broke up I asked him if he thought all the above (home etc) would equate to a happy and fulfilled relationship and he said he did think that. I asked if he'd ever had a deeper emotional connection with someone and he seemed confused and that he "hadn't thought about it". He tried hard and did what he thought would make him/me happy. I asked if he still wanted those things and he reacted in a way that suggested he felt trapped and said "I don't know". He said he wasn't happy anymore and didn't want to try anymore. The reasons why I made him unhappy feel painful - I would be 'off' with him when he came back from nights out (I was 'off' at times and said it was because I wanted to enjoy spending time with too, but I'd offer to collect him from the nights out if he wanted to stay out late and not walk home, encouraged him to go and see friends as I also wanted the space!).
I feel confused and pathetically in need of reassurance which isn't ideal as it feeds into my anxiety.
(Also, should I request this thread is moved to a different board? I'm conscious that I don't want to invade this space with my anxieties as I am clearly better suited to a different attachment board!!).
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Post by Deleted on Jan 26, 2022 16:41:42 GMT
fijiwater all this sounds DA to me. It isn't that a DA won't get into a relationship and try to build something. But the goal posts are very different. In relationships prior to the last few years, my main goal that felt right and good in a relationship was being responsible, dutiful, doing a good job of partnering in a practical sense. Think Pioneer Woman or something. I didn't think of the emotional side so much, so clearly I wasn't tapping into the emotional side so much. I LIKED functioning that way, and it was rewarding for me. Being able to be peaceful with someone, have a partner in the small jobs and big jobs and practical security, was my hope and intention. It's not bad, it's just half a life for someone who wants something more emotional. And it's a half a life until a DA knows more. But it's not a bad life. The different goals for relationship render a DA and AP incompatible, health or unhealth aside, it's two different drives. Two very different life cultures, if you will. Different customs and values. I'm saying that not minimizing the value of recognizing insecure, stunted living (on both sides) but to help you understand what you're struggling with. And, I also know it's not the real answer, and you will have to direct your inquiry another direction at some point. But it's all a process. There is some value in understanding what happened, but there is only so much you can gain from guessing. I can give a perspective as another person, but could be wrong about him.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 26, 2022 16:48:33 GMT
Think of it this way:
Research says that the anxious avoidant pairing is the most stable over time of all the insecure style pairings. Not STABLE as in healthy or secure... stable as in long lasting and able to perpetuate cycles. Long term. This means that the DA has to be there, and the AP has to be there. People think in such black and white terms- if they are DA they won't be in a relationship or pursue one! That is false. A DA will pursue a relationship on their terms just like an AP will pursue one on their terms, and those individual terms create the trap. A trap is something that catches you without an easy out. That's because these two styles push pull TOGETHER.
DA can be unhappy and frustrated for a long time, with an AP partner who also wishes for something better.
Then, someone will eventually leave. The AP leaves about two years in according to the things I've read- they aren't available for real intimacy and security either. The DA will bail before that or remain IN in a bubble. The FA will go in and out and in and out.
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Post by usernametaken on Jan 26, 2022 16:50:36 GMT
You are not pathetic. You are grieving the loss of your relationship and your future. Grief is not linear and I think that causes a lot of confusion and judgement of "why am I not over this".
Unfortunately we can't answer for your ex. I do know myself this sounds really familiar, driving things forward thinking that it would fill the hole in me and then it never did. That hole has to be filled by making myself whole. When things ended he may not have the self awareness/emotional intelligence to actually understand/communicate what he was feeling/thinking.
Not sure if it will help you, but two tools I found helpful in my last breakup were reframing and radical acceptance. I re-wrote my breakup. I wrote it from a point of view of things he couldn't give me and that the problem was his not me. I did this more than once, the first time I was really angry and I used it to pour out my anger, the second time with more compassion for him, that he simply was not in a place to meet me for a relationship.
Radical acceptance looks like just saying "yes, yep, or that happened" when we are ruminating. It kind of short circuits the thought because it is acknowledging you can't do anything about things in the past. Repeat as many times a day as needed.
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surreal is a fab way of describing it! I am really looking forward to having my own place to heal in.