Post by seeking on Dec 30, 2021 23:48:58 GMT
I haven't read all of this yet but want to thank you for this much. I'm clearly pretty triggered right now - combined with my 50th coming up next week, the world being what it is, having an angsty 12-year-old at home with "nothing to do" and being bored, and I'm currently her only source of entertainment given ... the world being what it is, and a huge project I'm working on tirelessly and having to launch soon or we don't have money (I did just get a small business loan, which is saving us) - my own health issues, managing my parents, and witnessing the abuse that goes on in my parents household via my mom - worrying about her safety, I'm ready to break. So I'm trying to hold it together in the best way I know how - which is really just laying low, eating healthy, keeping it simple, and not really dealing with folks at the moment. Sometimes I just need a long break.
seeking You're replaying the same old script with her which is the routine that defines your relationship. When you deviate from it, she gets upset because what has worked for her is what works for her. It isn't fair or healthy but she's not going to bend or stretch to see anyone else's point of view because it makes her too uncomfortable or she simply can't. To have her in your life, even though it falls short of the fantasy definition of "sister," you are conditioned to keep responding this way (giving in, blaming yourself for being too intense, wondering if you're the one with the problem and her boundaries are healthy and secure). I don't think you've fully accepted this is who she is and decided on the kind of relationship you can tolerate to have with her going forward, which is why you keep going back and forth.
Lots of other voices rattling off in my head about how I'm "putting barriers up" around myself, and la la la. But your words are helping to ground me right now and remind me of reality. I feel drunk. Like this is a weird addiction (like you said the "same old script" -) and I'm up for breaking it now, and doing what it takes, I just don't know exactly what that looks like at the moment. I basically just lashed out. And that's not really gonna help.
Anyway, gonna eat my soup right now and ground and settle and give myself some space. Thank you for your input.