|
|
Post by alexandra on Jan 13, 2022 22:57:06 GMT
Hi @lilya. The answer is yes, because I did it! You're asking a bunch of the right questions, and there have been other discussions about this around the forum. So I'm going to start by linking you to some threads that may be helpful to you as you delve further into this: jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/3026/learn-self-worth-overcome-codependencyjebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1072/healing-anxious-ambivalent-attatchment-tricksjebkinnisonforum.com/thread/2917/turn-secure-share-experiences-tipsAnd I wrote more a while ago about my journey earning secure from anxious preoccupied here: jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1262/attachment-style-self-help-suggestions You have identified the core issue pretty well, which is that you're disconnected from yourself and don't know how to define yourself or live for yourself instead of only for others. There's a reason for this somewhere in your past, which I'm sure you'll be exploring in therapy. But you're not alone in feeling this way which means there are ways to work on what you're describing that others have tested before you. Starting with those links should help give you some ideas. Ultimately, it does require you to be self-motivated to work through all this stuff. So one question might be, is it worth it to you to stay the same, feeling nothing, needing constant distraction to avoid your pain? Or is it worth giving yourself a chance for a less painful and more satisfying future, even though it's difficult and at times painful work to get there? But like any growing pains, you're trading short-term discomfort for feeling better indefinitely in the future, as opposed to the ongoing pain you're used to that avoids the extra discomfort but never goes away. One highly motivating idea for me was, I wanted to break the cycle of multi-generational family trauma and make sure I was more emotionally healthy before starting a family and passing my issues down to any children. |
|
|
|
Post by alexandra on Jan 13, 2022 23:00:45 GMT
And to answer another question, yes, it is typical of AP (or FA) to have identity issues and lack trust in themselves and lack the ability to emotionally self-regulate, and looking further into codependency will also give you more information to work with. AP are sometimes called love addicts for a reason!
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jan 13, 2022 23:45:45 GMT
You have identified the core issue pretty well, which is that you're disconnected from yourself and don't know how to define yourself or live for yourself instead of only for others. There's a reason for this somewhere in your past, which I'm sure you'll be exploring in therapy. But you're not alone in feeling this way which means there are ways to work on what you're describing that others have tested before you. Starting with those links should help give you some ideas. Ultimately, it does require you to be self-motivated to work through all this stuff. So one question might be, is it worth it to you to stay the same, feeling nothing, needing constant distraction to avoid your pain? Or is it worth giving yourself a chance for a less painful and more satisfying future, even though it's difficult and at times painful work to get there? But like any growing pains, you're trading short-term discomfort for feeling better indefinitely in the future, as opposed to the ongoing pain you're used to that avoids the extra discomfort but never goes away. One highly motivating idea for me was, I wanted to break the cycle of multi-generational family trauma and make sure I was more emotionally healthy before starting a family and passing my issues down to any children. Wow, this is so encouraging! Reading your words makes me feel I have found the right issue and right place to be. I will read those posts in depth and come back to share my reflections and progress. I vow to do that. My answer to all those questions is: yes, it is worth giving myself a chance to live a fulfilling life. I am so sick of being so far from myself, not in a metaphorical way but for real. I felt sick facing the truth about my AP attachment. I felt exposed, in pain .. and just small. Then I accepted it. And now I want to feel that I am not doomed and I need that reassurance, that voice of certainty that tells me "if you work hard enough, you'll get there". And luckily, you provided that. Thank you so much, sending you love because your kindness and understanding to a stranger are what an AP like me needed today. |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jan 13, 2022 23:46:45 GMT
And to answer another question, yes, it is typical of AP (or FA) to have identity issues and lack trust in themselves and lack the ability to emotionally self-regulate, and looking further into codependency will also give you more information to work with. AP are sometimes called love addicts for a reason! This also gives me some reassurance because if the root of my issues is the same, I can focus my energy and focus on it. Thank you! |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jan 13, 2022 23:49:19 GMT
There was another answer but it got deleted sadly  I took note of the links that were there. Thank you so much to the person who posted them. |
|
|
|
Post by alexandra on Jan 14, 2022 0:28:43 GMT
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jan 14, 2022 0:52:19 GMT
You have identified the core issue pretty well, which is that you're disconnected from yourself and don't know how to define yourself or live for yourself instead of only for others. There's a reason for this somewhere in your past, which I'm sure you'll be exploring in therapy. But you're not alone in feeling this way which means there are ways to work on what you're describing that others have tested before you. Starting with those links should help give you some ideas. Ultimately, it does require you to be self-motivated to work through all this stuff. So one question might be, is it worth it to you to stay the same, feeling nothing, needing constant distraction to avoid your pain? Or is it worth giving yourself a chance for a less painful and more satisfying future, even though it's difficult and at times painful work to get there? But like any growing pains, you're trading short-term discomfort for feeling better indefinitely in the future, as opposed to the ongoing pain you're used to that avoids the extra discomfort but never goes away. One highly motivating idea for me was, I wanted to break the cycle of multi-generational family trauma and make sure I was more emotionally healthy before starting a family and passing my issues down to any children. Wow, this is so encouraging! Reading your words makes me feel I have found the right issue and right place to be. I will read those posts in depth and come back to share my reflections and progress. I vow to do that. My answer to all those questions is: yes, it is worth giving myself a chance to live a fulfilling life. I am so sick of being so far from myself, not in a metaphorical way but for real. I felt sick facing the truth about my AP attachment. I felt exposed, in pain .. and just small. Then I accepted it. And now I want to feel that I am not doomed and I need that reassurance, that voice of certainty that tells me "if you work hard enough, you'll get there". And luckily, you provided that. Thank you so much, sending you love because your kindness and understanding to a stranger are what an AP like me needed today. i echo alexandra's sentiments. I didn't go to therapy or anything, but I do have a psych background and applied the AP obsession more towards myself, lol. I was like you - I just got sick and bored of being insecure. It was "entertaining" for while because of all the drama and associated romantic notions, but at some point I just decided that it wasn't worth it. I didn't pursue a "fulfilling life" nor thought that "I deserve good things", but rather, I sought out neutrality and calm for myself. What I didn't need were the "bad things/people/thoughts", and it was easier and more important to achieve neutrality than strive for positive things/rships. In other words, it is easier to go from negative to zero, than negative to positive. From a point of neutrality, i was more able to decide with clarity what i would like to ADD to my life. so in short, yes, if you work hard you'll get there, but it's also good to work smart! rather than think of all the "correct", "secure", "positive" things to do, the very first step is decide what it is you no longer wish to do and focus on regulating yourself there. |
|
|
|
Post by tnr9 on Jan 14, 2022 13:30:45 GMT
Hi and welcome…..I do think anyone who is insecure and wants to become a more secure person can do it. My recommendation is though to view it as a journey and not a destination. Look for small victories along your path. I am in therapy….therapy keeps me grounded as well as continuously challenges me to look at things with a fresh and curious perspective. 🙂🙂
|
|
|
|
Post by charlii on Jan 21, 2022 23:02:23 GMT
I am really new here but I found my way via some other attachment/relationship types. Went back and read some of the older break ups. This is probably old news to you guys, but have you noticed some similarities to ROCD and even Quiet BPD with some of the avoidant? Not trying to be a psychologist either, I just find it interesting the overlaps
|
|
I took note of the links that were there. Thank you so much to the person who posted them. 
