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Post by ryon91 on Jan 18, 2022 9:47:24 GMT
I met this guy last November Everything was great, he's caring, bake cookies for me, gentle and kind He told me he got relationship and attachment issues, and he hate it when he attached to someone or someone attached to him, but that time I didn't really read it well. Suddenly after a passionate date, he change his behaviors, and pushing me, saying I'm too needy and clingy and expecting too much from relationship. I'm triggered and became more anxious-needy. What can I do to win him back or convince him, I haven't met him for a month, but we still texting.. He even said one time that I need to be chill, and we had our moments and grateful for that.. If only I understand about Attachment style in the beginning when he told me that I would say we can try and do it together but now is kinda late.. Is there still a hope for me? And what should I do?
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dexter
Junior Member
Posts: 98
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Post by dexter on Jan 18, 2022 12:00:54 GMT
The more you will try to convince or fix him, the more he will avoid. What works, is giving them space and being chill. Just act as you don't need them at all, which will put them again into their comfort zone. I strongly recommend that you will focus on yourself a bit more. What are your needs? Will they be met in relationship with a guy that deactivates so hard after just a month of casual dating without even any commitment?
He is aware and communicated very well in the beggining about his issues. And he doesn't seem to have a will to change.
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Post by ryon91 on Jan 18, 2022 14:21:01 GMT
He is aware but he didn't know anything about attachment style nor what to do I guess
Right now I'm still chatting casually with him, sometimes he went missing for a day, but still talk to me..
I know am not a heroes or savior, but i really want to give it another shot
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Post by tnr9 on Jan 18, 2022 14:41:46 GMT
I met this guy last November Everything was great, he's caring, bake cookies for me, gentle and kind He told me he got relationship and attachment issues, and he hate it when he attached to someone or someone attached to him, but that time I didn't really read it well. Suddenly after a passionate date, he change his behaviors, and pushing me, saying I'm too needy and clingy and expecting too much from relationship. I'm triggered and became more anxious-needy. What can I do to win him back or convince him, I haven't met him for a month, but we still texting.. He even said one time that I need to be chill, and we had our moments and grateful for that.. If only I understand about Attachment style in the beginning when he told me that I would say we can try and do it together but now is kinda late.. Is there still a hope for me? And what should I do? Hi and welcome…the best thing you can do right now is to work on your own attachment issues. Do you have a therapist? If not, that would be a good start. Unfortunately you cannot “influence” or “win him back” (that really only happens in Hollywood movies) and I know that is very triggering….but he has to want to address his attachment issues…and he has to decide to do that on his own. I know this sounds counter to your desired outcome…..but until you can work on your attachment issues…you might want to take a break from communicating with him. If he truly wants to have a relationship with you a break will not be a big thing…but it will give you both time to reflect and work on your individual issues. Make the break time bound…..check in after 2 months and see how things are. Ideally the break would be a bit longer….but it will likely cause you more anxiety…so 60 to really focus on addressing your insecurity is a good start.
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Post by alexandra on Jan 18, 2022 20:48:51 GMT
I agree with the other posters, but I'm going to be a little more blunt.
His issues are his problem. You didn't do anything to cause them, you didn't do anything to cause him to pull back, and you can't do anything to change or fix them. He warned you so that he wouldn't feel guilty when it happened, because this way you knew it was coming but agreed to spend time together anyway. But you can't claim to be surprised or misled since he told you this before it started. I'm not saying that's okay behavior on his end! It would of course be far better for him to work on his issues and to not date until he's ready. But because he knows he has these issues and does not have the will to fix them, all he can do is date with a warning and hope that partners who seek a real relationship or commitment will say, "thank you for telling me you have relationship issues, we are not looking for the same thing as I do not want casual and am looking to date someone with the potential to one day get serious, goodbye and good luck." Then no one's time is wasted and no one gets hurt.
You cannot inspire him to change. There are many, many older topics you can read on this message board of people describing situations like yours, this "anxious-avoidant trap," and they get worse and worse and more painful with more time and investment. It has only been a month or two, so please recognize you are trying to date potential not reality. His withdrawal is who he really is now that the honeymoon feelings are not enough to prevent the fear, intimacy issues, attachment issues, and relationship issues from surfacing. Again, this is normal with time for people who have these issues, you did not cause it and you cannot stop it.
I agree with the posters who suggest you learn more about your own attachment style and seek guidance and help for that from a therapist. That's the best way to avoid mismatched and painful situations like this before they start and puts you on a road to finding partners who do not hurt you by withdrawing. It also is the first step in healing yourself and changing your own patterns that may keep you stuck hoping for more from unavailable people.
Most of us here have been through what you're going through, and focusing on yourself and not him and his problems is the way through it. Even if it does not salvage this particular connection as you were hoping for.
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Post by ryon91 on Jan 18, 2022 23:48:44 GMT
I met this guy last November Everything was great, he's caring, bake cookies for me, gentle and kind He told me he got relationship and attachment issues, and he hate it when he attached to someone or someone attached to him, but that time I didn't really read it well. Suddenly after a passionate date, he change his behaviors, and pushing me, saying I'm too needy and clingy and expecting too much from relationship. I'm triggered and became more anxious-needy. What can I do to win him back or convince him, I haven't met him for a month, but we still texting.. He even said one time that I need to be chill, and we had our moments and grateful for that.. If only I understand about Attachment style in the beginning when he told me that I would say we can try and do it together but now is kinda late.. Is there still a hope for me? And what should I do? Hi and welcome…the best thing you can do right now is to work on your own attachment issues. Do you have a therapist? If not, that would be a good start. Unfortunately you cannot “influence” or “win him back” (that really only happens in Hollywood movies) and I know that is very triggering….but he has to want to address his attachment issues…and he has to decide to do that on his own. I know this sounds counter to your desired outcome…..but until you can work on your attachment issues…you might want to take a break from communicating with him. If he truly wants to have a relationship with you a break will not be a big thing…but it will give you both time to reflect and work on your individual issues. Make the break time bound…..check in after 2 months and see how things are. Ideally the break would be a bit longer….but it will likely cause you more anxiety…so 60 to really focus on addressing your insecurity is a good start. I'm also working on it, yet he still contact me everyday, am not sure is he still into me or just breadcrumbing me, cause I heard a lot of DA ghosted someone for months..
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Post by ryon91 on Jan 18, 2022 23:51:48 GMT
I agree with the other posters, but I'm going to be a little more blunt. His issues are his problem. You didn't do anything to cause them, you didn't do anything to cause him to pull back, and you can't do anything to change or fix them. He warned you so that he wouldn't feel guilty when it happened, because this way you knew it was coming but agreed to spend time together anyway. But you can't claim to be surprised or misled since he told you this before it started. I'm not saying that's okay behavior on his end! It would of course be far better for him to work on his issues and to not date until he's ready. But because he knows he has these issues and does not have the will to fix them, all he can do is date with a warning and hope that partners who seek a real relationship or commitment will say, "thank you for telling me you have relationship issues, we are not looking for the same thing as I do not want casual and am looking to date someone with the potential to one day get serious, goodbye and good luck." Then no one's time is wasted and no one gets hurt. You cannot inspire him to change. There are many, many older topics you can read on this message board of people describing situations like yours, this "anxious-avoidant trap," and they get worse and worse and more painful with more time and investment. It has only been a month or two, so please recognize you are trying to date potential not reality. His withdrawal is who he really is now that the honeymoon feelings are not enough to prevent the fear, intimacy issues, attachment issues, and relationship issues from surfacing. Again, this is normal with time for people who have these issues, you did not cause it and you cannot stop it. I agree with the posters who suggest you learn more about your own attachment style and seek guidance and help for that from a therapist. That's the best way to avoid mismatched and painful situations like this before they start and puts you on a road to finding partners who do not hurt you by withdrawing. It also is the first step in healing yourself and changing your own patterns that may keep you stuck hoping for more from unavailable people. Most of us here have been through what you're going through, and focusing on yourself and not him and his problems is the way through it. Even if it does not salvage this particular connection as you were hoping for. You gave me a new perspective, I thought before he's actually asking for help since he didn't know what to do, But what you said also make sense like he told me that in the beginning to feel guilty when it happens. The hard thing is that he still contact me daily, and reached out. One time he said just take it slow and be chill.. so I thought there's still a chance, am not sure though what should I do.. Do you think it's okay if I put a deadline for this? Like trying to contact one month without judging and negative vibes and see if there's any improvement
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Post by tnr9 on Jan 19, 2022 0:06:03 GMT
Hi and welcome…the best thing you can do right now is to work on your own attachment issues. Do you have a therapist? If not, that would be a good start. Unfortunately you cannot “influence” or “win him back” (that really only happens in Hollywood movies) and I know that is very triggering….but he has to want to address his attachment issues…and he has to decide to do that on his own. I know this sounds counter to your desired outcome…..but until you can work on your attachment issues…you might want to take a break from communicating with him. If he truly wants to have a relationship with you a break will not be a big thing…but it will give you both time to reflect and work on your individual issues. Make the break time bound…..check in after 2 months and see how things are. Ideally the break would be a bit longer….but it will likely cause you more anxiety…so 60 to really focus on addressing your insecurity is a good start. I'm also working on it, yet he still contact me everyday, am not sure is he still into me or just breadcrumbing me, cause I heard a lot of DA ghosted someone for months.. He sounds FA if he is still in contact with you….
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Post by ryon91 on Jan 19, 2022 0:55:03 GMT
I'm also working on it, yet he still contact me everyday, am not sure is he still into me or just breadcrumbing me, cause I heard a lot of DA ghosted someone for months.. He sounds FA if he is still in contact with you…. I see, I think i need to learn more about it, do you have any suggestions how to handle a FA? It's different than dealing with DA right?
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Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on Jan 19, 2022 1:34:37 GMT
He sounds FA if he is still in contact with you…. I see, I think i need to learn more about it, do you have any suggestions how to handle a FA? It's different than dealing with DA right? No, you handle an FA or DA who has suddenly downgraded you to a text buddy exactly the same way: you wish them well and block them so they don't mess with your emotions and waste your time. Don't wait around hoping they will choose you when they have already unchosen you. It doesn't get better, it doesn't turn into something good from here. Before you say goodbye, you could ask this guy what is his interest in you. My guess is he likes attention and can get it with just a text while wasting your time and telling you to chill. My guess is you won't get a straight answer, but if a man or a woman cannot communicate clearly their intentions with you they are a waste of your time. Someone recently mentioned the site Baggage Reclaim, and I second the endorsement for teaching women how to date with self respect in mind. I happened upon an article there, I think it was about boundaries- It was very helpful! Maybe have a look at some of the articles there, see if anything resonates with your situation. Best of luck!
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Post by ryon91 on Jan 19, 2022 1:54:55 GMT
I see, I think i need to learn more about it, do you have any suggestions how to handle a FA? It's different than dealing with DA right? No, you handle an FA or DA who has suddenly downgraded you to a text buddy exactly the same way: you wish them well and block them so they don't mess with your emotions and waste your time. Don't wait around hoping they will choose you when they have already unchosen you. It doesn't get better, it doesn't turn into something good from here. Before you say goodbye, you could ask this guy what is his interest in you. My guess is he likes attention and can get it with just a text while wasting your time and telling you to chill. My guess is you won't get a straight answer, but if a man or a woman cannot communicate clearly their intentions with you they are a waste of your time. Someone recently mentioned the site Baggage Reclaim, and I second the endorsement for teaching women how to date with self respect in mind. I happened upon an article there, I think it was about boundaries- It was very helpful! Maybe have a look at some of the articles there, see if anything resonates with your situation. Best of luck! Thanks for your input! I will put things in consideration, Since it's my first experience dealing with avoidant partner, I learned a lot, and somehow I'm healing and learn more about myself through this period of time. I will give him chance since it's the first, if things didn't get better after a month I will leave happily that I tried and learn. I'm setting boundaries for now, chat casual, not asking for meeting up since it's trigger him thinking that I'm needy, and share mostly positive vibes Wish me luck 🤞
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Post by alexandra on Jan 19, 2022 2:23:49 GMT
Do remember that you are not needy for wanting to see any "boyfriend" (or girlfriend or partner, this is for everyone) more than once in a month! Your anxiety isn't because you're needy. You are perfectly reasonable in expecting a person you're newly dating to want to see you in person at least once a week (as long as it is not long distance and impossible to logistically do so). Your anxiety is because the situation has changed to one you are not comfortable with, as it is not meeting your needs.
His withdrawal doesn't mean he doesn't like you. But it does mean he cannot handle a real relationship, as he told you, whether he likes you a lot or not. He will not meet your needs, because he has different needs. It is okay if you are not compatible and have different needs. It is, in fact, best to know this early before commitment, so you can decide not to pursue it!
I read he was telling you to calm down because this is the way things are if you date him and he doesn't want to take responsibility for you communicating emotion since he already warned you. Again, this has nothing to do with if he likes you. It has to do with very avoidant people who are not trying to become more secure not feeling comfortable in relationships since they have childhood trauma they haven't addressed. You can have compassion for his inability to be intimate while wishing him well and moving on.
If giving him a month to observe if anything changes and promising yourself you will move on if it doesn't is what you need to see this through, then I think giving yourself a deadline in your own mind is a good idea. But at the end of the month, no more hoping what if! Don't use the deadline as an excuse to keep pushing off the inevitable, as I understand you like him and never really wanted to leave. Actually respect yourself and your needs and move on after that.
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Post by alexandra on Jan 19, 2022 2:25:33 GMT
I also want to let you know that tnr9 is FA and @introvert is DA, so they are giving you important avoidant perspectives!
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Post by ryon91 on Jan 19, 2022 2:54:29 GMT
Do remember that you are not needy for wanting to see any "boyfriend" (or girlfriend or partner, this is for everyone) more than once in a month! Your anxiety isn't because you're needy. You are perfectly reasonable in expecting a person you're newly dating to want to see you in person at least once a week (as long as it is not long distance and impossible to logistically do so). Your anxiety is because the situation has changed to one you are not comfortable with, as it is not meeting your needs. His withdrawal doesn't mean he doesn't like you. But it does mean he cannot handle a real relationship, as he told you, whether he likes you a lot or not. He will not meet your needs, because he has different needs. It is okay if you are not compatible and have different needs. It is, in fact, best to know this early before commitment, so you can decide not to pursue it! I read he was telling you to calm down because this is the way things are if you date him and he doesn't want to take responsibility for you communicating emotion since he already warned you. Again, this has nothing to do with if he likes you. It has to do with very avoidant people who are not trying to become more secure not feeling comfortable in relationships since they have childhood trauma they haven't addressed. You can have compassion for his inability to be intimate while wishing him well and moving on. If giving him a month to observe if anything changes and promising yourself you will move on if it doesn't is what you need to see this through, then I think giving yourself a deadline in your own mind is a good idea. But at the end of the month, no more hoping what if! Don't use the deadline as an excuse to keep pushing off the inevitable, as I understand you like him and never really wanted to leave. Actually respect yourself and your needs and move on after that. Thanks Alexandra! Yeah I'm still somehow stuck in the honeymoon phase and projecting that and all possibility in the future. He wants to meet me 2-3 times a week before So a sudden pull back triggered my anxiety side. Yes, i was in panic attack and cried my heart out last week, but I think I'm doing better now, much more stable and calm, also can text him more casual I hope things goes well, cause I really feel he is sincere and genuine in our first month
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Post by tnr9 on Jan 19, 2022 3:39:48 GMT
Do remember that you are not needy for wanting to see any "boyfriend" (or girlfriend or partner, this is for everyone) more than once in a month! Your anxiety isn't because you're needy. You are perfectly reasonable in expecting a person you're newly dating to want to see you in person at least once a week (as long as it is not long distance and impossible to logistically do so). Your anxiety is because the situation has changed to one you are not comfortable with, as it is not meeting your needs. His withdrawal doesn't mean he doesn't like you. But it does mean he cannot handle a real relationship, as he told you, whether he likes you a lot or not. He will not meet your needs, because he has different needs. It is okay if you are not compatible and have different needs. It is, in fact, best to know this early before commitment, so you can decide not to pursue it! I read he was telling you to calm down because this is the way things are if you date him and he doesn't want to take responsibility for you communicating emotion since he already warned you. Again, this has nothing to do with if he likes you. It has to do with very avoidant people who are not trying to become more secure not feeling comfortable in relationships since they have childhood trauma they haven't addressed. You can have compassion for his inability to be intimate while wishing him well and moving on. If giving him a month to observe if anything changes and promising yourself you will move on if it doesn't is what you need to see this through, then I think giving yourself a deadline in your own mind is a good idea. But at the end of the month, no more hoping what if! Don't use the deadline as an excuse to keep pushing off the inevitable, as I understand you like him and never really wanted to leave. Actually respect yourself and your needs and move on after that. Thanks Alexandra! Yeah I'm still somehow stuck in the honeymoon phase and projecting that and all possibility in the future. He wants to meet me 2-3 times a week before So a sudden pull back triggered my anxiety side. Yes, i was in panic attack and cried my heart out last week, but I think I'm doing better now, much more stable and calm, also can text him more casual I hope things goes well, cause I really feel he is sincere and genuine in our first month Hi there….about the “calm” thing. I dated an avoidant leaning FA guy and he said the same thing to me….that I needed to be more chill. The chill thing is actually a way that the guy you have been seeing thinks will help to regulate his own nervous system (just like keeping things to text only)….but….you can’t regulate it. Nor can you remain chill/calm while he is the one who is dictating the terms. At some point, and I say this from experience, you will grow to resent having to change to suit his needs while he does nothing to meet yours. I understand where you are coming from though…I get the hope…I get the desire…I understand that you wants do over and a different outcome….I have been there….all of us old timers on these boards have…and it just did not work out. The thing about your relationship starting off so well…most do…because you do not really know each other yet. Everything is based on potential and possibility…once you get to know someone…you can’t go back to that same place.
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