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Post by Deleted on Jan 19, 2022 4:26:44 GMT
No, you handle an FA or DA who has suddenly downgraded you to a text buddy exactly the same way: you wish them well and block them so they don't mess with your emotions and waste your time. Don't wait around hoping they will choose you when they have already unchosen you. It doesn't get better, it doesn't turn into something good from here. Before you say goodbye, you could ask this guy what is his interest in you. My guess is he likes attention and can get it with just a text while wasting your time and telling you to chill. My guess is you won't get a straight answer, but if a man or a woman cannot communicate clearly their intentions with you they are a waste of your time. Someone recently mentioned the site Baggage Reclaim, and I second the endorsement for teaching women how to date with self respect in mind. I happened upon an article there, I think it was about boundaries- It was very helpful! Maybe have a look at some of the articles there, see if anything resonates with your situation. Best of luck! Thanks for your input! I will put things in consideration, Since it's my first experience dealing with avoidant partner, I learned a lot, and somehow I'm healing and learn more about myself through this period of time. I will give him chance since it's the first, if things didn't get better after a month I will leave happily that I tried and learn. I'm setting boundaries for now, chat casual, not asking for meeting up since it's trigger him thinking that I'm needy, and share mostly positive vibes Wish me luck 🤞 I can see the need to try it out and explore things further with him, and of course it's your choice! I'll caution you just as I would my daughters: watch yourself. Literally- look at what you are doing. I wrote above that a man or woman who can't communicate their true intentions are a waste of your time, and the same goes for you here- you're playing a little game to be pleasing to him in hopes that he'll come around. It's not going to work out how you hope, and that's because a solid relationship is not built on games, and it's not built with an unaware avoidant or an unaware AP person for that matter. Rather than wish you luck I'd like to challenge you to be honest with him, and not play this silly game. You are being two people here .. be one person, be yourself. Give up trying to please him and be what he wants and stand up for who you are, what you want, and don't let him boss you and control you- if he doesn't want a relationship then you don't want him, right? Why are you making this all about what he wants? Avoidants should NOT be the ones calling all the shots in a relationship, that I can tell you. They suck at it. Any insecure person sucks at this. See if you can have the courage to tell him that you are interested in a relationship with him, but if he is not interested you would like to move on, happy that you at least had the conversation. Because playing this chill little game with him isn't trying, it's manipulating. Trying means having the conversation. I do wish you the very best here!
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Post by ryon91 on Jan 19, 2022 4:31:15 GMT
Thanks Alexandra! Yeah I'm still somehow stuck in the honeymoon phase and projecting that and all possibility in the future. He wants to meet me 2-3 times a week before So a sudden pull back triggered my anxiety side. Yes, i was in panic attack and cried my heart out last week, but I think I'm doing better now, much more stable and calm, also can text him more casual I hope things goes well, cause I really feel he is sincere and genuine in our first month Hi there….about the “calm” thing. I dated an avoidant leaning FA guy and he said the same thing to me….that I needed to be more chill. The chill thing is actually a way that the guy you have been seeing thinks will help to regulate his own nervous system (just like keeping things to text only)….but….you can’t regulate it. Nor can you remain chill/calm while he is the one who is dictating the terms. At some point, and I say this from experience, you will grow to resent having to change to suit his needs while he does nothing to meet yours. I understand where you are coming from though…I get the hope…I get the desire…I understand that you wants do over and a different outcome….I have been there….all of us old timers on these boards have…and it just did not work out. The thing about your relationship starting off so well…most do…because you do not really know each other yet. Everything is based on potential and possibility…once you get to know someone…you can’t go back to that same place. Yes this is my first time, i also never been in relationship before, this one so intense and romantic and dreamy in the beginning.. I know I'm being stubborn here.. But.. if I want to try, since I never tried, i need your opinion 1. He told me several times that I need to take things slow and let it flow What did he meant by saying that, is it only to give a false hope? 2. I still chat regularly with him, he also initiate it too sometimes.. If I want to give it a try, do you think I need to be a good friend? That care but not too much and not showing any neediness Or should I try no contact? If so how to start ot to do it Or better.. I just pour it all like what I want and just leave him if he's not responding, I'm confused. 3. One of my language to him was act od service - gift. i readed somewhere that actually it make them stressed? Cause when I gift something they will think about hidden agenda, or I need to give something back, or stuff like that, is it true? So better I never give him anything? 4. He kinda like my voice, singing, one time he asked me to sing for him before bed (in our 'break' after honeymoon period) is he miss me or just what 5. One time he asked me to play online game with him, he said it's gonna be fun, in our honeymoon period we played mobile legends together, and in our break he suggest different game, is he just being friendly or actually want to spend time with me but virtually? I hope you can give me some insight, really grateful for everyone here
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Post by ryon91 on Jan 19, 2022 4:52:15 GMT
Thanks for your input! I will put things in consideration, Since it's my first experience dealing with avoidant partner, I learned a lot, and somehow I'm healing and learn more about myself through this period of time. I will give him chance since it's the first, if things didn't get better after a month I will leave happily that I tried and learn. I'm setting boundaries for now, chat casual, not asking for meeting up since it's trigger him thinking that I'm needy, and share mostly positive vibes Wish me luck 🤞 I can see the need to try it out and explore things further with him, and of course it's your choice! I'll caution you just as I would my daughters: watch yourself. Literally- look at what you are doing. I wrote above that a man or woman who can't communicate their true intentions are a waste of your time, and the same goes for you here- you're playing a little game to be pleasing to him in hopes that he'll come around. It's not going to work out how you hope, and that's because a solid relationship is not built on games, and it's not built with an unaware avoidant or an unaware AP person for that matter. Rather than wish you luck I'd like to challenge you to be honest with him, and not play this silly game. You are being two people here .. be one person, be yourself. Give up trying to please him and be what he wants and stand up for who you are, what you want, and don't let him boss you and control you- if he doesn't want a relationship then you don't want him, right? Why are you making this all about what he wants? Avoidants should NOT be the ones calling all the shots in a relationship, that I can tell you. They suck at it. Any insecure person sucks at this. See if you can have the courage to tell him that you are interested in a relationship with him, but if he is not interested you would like to move on, happy that you at least had the conversation. Because playing this chill little game with him isn't trying, it's manipulating. Trying means having the conversation. I do wish you the very best here! Thanks introvert.. Okay, I need to open more windows so all of you maybe get a different saying or no We both guy, i think the gay stuff also take a big role since we live in Asia, so maybe it contribute to the stress and pressure as well. He is being very vulnerable with me in the beginning 1. He is living alone with his mom, that expect too much on him, toxic, but he can't leave her cause somehow still love her. 2. Mom and dad divorced, step dad died 3. His first relationship, he became a 'slave of love' for this girl, then she cheated on him 4. He got interest in guy, fall into another relationship and said being manipulated So I kinda understand why he became like this, i know I'm not a savior or hero but still.. Is there any tips beside leave him alone and move on? I really want to try at least one month, thank you guys
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Post by tnr9 on Jan 19, 2022 7:14:33 GMT
Hi there….about the “calm” thing. I dated an avoidant leaning FA guy and he said the same thing to me….that I needed to be more chill. The chill thing is actually a way that the guy you have been seeing thinks will help to regulate his own nervous system (just like keeping things to text only)….but….you can’t regulate it. Nor can you remain chill/calm while he is the one who is dictating the terms. At some point, and I say this from experience, you will grow to resent having to change to suit his needs while he does nothing to meet yours. I understand where you are coming from though…I get the hope…I get the desire…I understand that you wants do over and a different outcome….I have been there….all of us old timers on these boards have…and it just did not work out. The thing about your relationship starting off so well…most do…because you do not really know each other yet. Everything is based on potential and possibility…once you get to know someone…you can’t go back to that same place. Yes this is my first time, i also never been in relationship before, this one so intense and romantic and dreamy in the beginning.. I know I'm being stubborn here.. But.. if I want to try, since I never tried, i need your opinion 1. He told me several times that I need to take things slow and let it flow What did he meant by saying that, is it only to give a false hope? 2. I still chat regularly with him, he also initiate it too sometimes.. If I want to give it a try, do you think I need to be a good friend? That care but not too much and not showing any neediness Or should I try no contact? If so how to start ot to do it Or better.. I just pour it all like what I want and just leave him if he's not responding, I'm confused. 3. One of my language to him was act od service - gift. i readed somewhere that actually it make them stressed? Cause when I gift something they will think about hidden agenda, or I need to give something back, or stuff like that, is it true? So better I never give him anything? 4. He kinda like my voice, singing, one time he asked me to sing for him before bed (in our 'break' after honeymoon period) is he miss me or just what 5. One time he asked me to play online game with him, he said it's gonna be fun, in our honeymoon period we played mobile legends together, and in our break he suggest different game, is he just being friendly or actually want to spend time with me but virtually? I hope you can give me some insight, really grateful for everyone here 1. He told me several times that I need to take things slow and let it flow What did he meant by saying that, is it only to give a false hope? No…he means..do not have expectations. Taking it slow and letting it flow means letting it just “be”…which means it could just be friends, it could be friends with benefits, it could be a relationship that only last a couple of months. If anything…he is telling you to not have “hope” but just accept whatever is. 2. I still chat regularly with him, he also initiate it too sometimes.. If I want to give it a try, do you think I need to be a good friend? That care but not too much and not showing any neediness. Being a good friend will likely result in….being a good friend. A lot of times FAs want to keep the door open to friendship, they do not see a reason to end the connection…but simply downgrade it to a less committed, more casual relationship where they can come in and out without there being any defined responsibility to the other person. This can often feel like a return to things being fun and flirty…but without proper boundaries, can really pull at your heartstrings. Or should I try no contact? If so how to start ot to do it. No contact does not work if your motive is to win him back…that is manipulation and will back fire. Going no contact is so that you can work on yourself without the distraction of him darting in and out. But it has to be a decision to prioritize you. Or better.. I just pour it all like what I want and just leave him if he's not responding, I'm confused. 3. One of my language to him was act od service - gift. i readed somewhere that actually it make them stressed? Cause when I gift something they will think about hidden agenda, or I need to give something back, or stuff like that, is it true? So better I never give him anything? Again…you are looking for an angle. Everyone has a preferred “gift” as far as love languages go…that has nothing to do with his attachment. Do you know what his love language is? Did you ever discuss with him whether he appreciates your gifts of service? Part of the AP insecure attachment is mind reading….trying to guess at what the other person thinks or feels without directly communicating…without asking questions. 4. He kinda like my voice, singing, one time he asked me to sing for him before bed (in our 'break' after honeymoon period) is he miss me or just what. It just means he likes your singing. Doesn’t mean he misses you unless he specifically says he misses you. 5. One time he asked me to play online game with him, he said it's gonna be fun, in our honeymoon period we played mobile legends together, and in our break he suggest different game, is he just being friendly or actually want to spend time with me but virtually? He is just being friendly. I read a lot of hope in the above…a lot of trying to read his mind or read into things. This is why I think that being friends is not such a good idea…..because you will want things to be different from what they are. Unless he specifically says he misses being in a dating relationship with you…everything he is saying and doing are things he is viewing from a strictly friendship and non committed perspective. He basically gets to enjoy your company and attention without having to earn it…while also keeping you in a friend zone.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 19, 2022 14:55:54 GMT
Hi ryon91 , The backstory adds layers of complexity, but doesn't change the fundamental truth that you cannot influence his motivations concerning a relationship with you. It sounds as though he has a lot of pain around relationships, and also may not even be resolved about his sexuality as same-sex relationship is new to him. His process is personal and one that he has to navigate the best he can, and unfortunately his conflictedness whether it's about relationship or sexuality, has impacted you. But there is nothing you can or should do to influence him or win him over. It takes deep work and sometimes lots of living and getting it wrong to resolve attachment insecurity, and although I'm not familiar with sexual orientation issues I can imagine that if he does have conflict around that it will be very complex and related to his family, your culture, and his own internal workings. I could be wrong about that of course, he may simply be grappling with avoidance but in either case, as much as you would like to return to what was, he's made it clear that his intention has changed. I'm sorry you're in this difficult situation, and I do urge you to examine your own anxieties and responses to see if you can relate to the anxious preoccupied style. If so, the information about your own style will help you more than information about others, because it holds the key to learning how to be healthy yourself, so you can choose healthy partners.
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Post by ryon91 on Jan 20, 2022 11:10:14 GMT
Hi ryon91 , The backstory adds layers of complexity, but doesn't change the fundamental truth that you cannot influence his motivations concerning a relationship with you. It sounds as though he has a lot of pain around relationships, and also may not even be resolved about his sexuality as same-sex relationship is new to him. His process is personal and one that he has to navigate the best he can, and unfortunately his conflictedness whether it's about relationship or sexuality, has impacted you. But there is nothing you can or should do to influence him or win him over. It takes deep work and sometimes lots of living and getting it wrong to resolve attachment insecurity, and although I'm not familiar with sexual orientation issues I can imagine that if he does have conflict around that it will be very complex and related to his family, your culture, and his own internal workings. I could be wrong about that of course, he may simply be grappling with avoidance but in either case, as much as you would like to return to what was, he's made it clear that his intention has changed. I'm sorry you're in this difficult situation, and I do urge you to examine your own anxieties and responses to see if you can relate to the anxious preoccupied style. If so, the information about your own style will help you more than information about others, because it holds the key to learning how to be healthy yourself, so you can choose healthy partners. Thanks introvert, I am working on myself My AP rise up after the sudden change in our relationship, I didn't do anything different yet he sees me wrong or too much. It's been almost a month since our last meet up, yet the last met up also very short and I already feel some wrong. I'm working with my anxiety, and been doing much better than the first time he pull away. As for now, I'm trying to approach him in different way, being a good friend. not trying to manipulate him, but at least to meet him once again. So far he is more responsive now compared to the chat after the break up. Then I will talk, cause somehow I feel I can't be healed if haven't seen him again one more time and talk I want him to know about attachment style, he once said he dunno what to do about his sickness about attachment, but now I know and want him to know. I might not for him, might not be with him, but I want to try again this much I'm really grateful for this forum
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Post by Deleted on Jan 20, 2022 14:26:33 GMT
Hi ryon91 , The backstory adds layers of complexity, but doesn't change the fundamental truth that you cannot influence his motivations concerning a relationship with you. It sounds as though he has a lot of pain around relationships, and also may not even be resolved about his sexuality as same-sex relationship is new to him. His process is personal and one that he has to navigate the best he can, and unfortunately his conflictedness whether it's about relationship or sexuality, has impacted you. But there is nothing you can or should do to influence him or win him over. It takes deep work and sometimes lots of living and getting it wrong to resolve attachment insecurity, and although I'm not familiar with sexual orientation issues I can imagine that if he does have conflict around that it will be very complex and related to his family, your culture, and his own internal workings. I could be wrong about that of course, he may simply be grappling with avoidance but in either case, as much as you would like to return to what was, he's made it clear that his intention has changed. I'm sorry you're in this difficult situation, and I do urge you to examine your own anxieties and responses to see if you can relate to the anxious preoccupied style. If so, the information about your own style will help you more than information about others, because it holds the key to learning how to be healthy yourself, so you can choose healthy partners. Thanks introvert, I am working on myself My AP rise up after the sudden change in our relationship, I didn't do anything different yet he sees me wrong or too much. It's been almost a month since our last meet up, yet the last met up also very short and I already feel some wrong. I'm working with my anxiety, and been doing much better than the first time he pull away. As for now, I'm trying to approach him in different way, being a good friend. not trying to manipulate him, but at least to meet him once again. So far he is more responsive now compared to the chat after the break up. Then I will talk, cause somehow I feel I can't be healed if haven't seen him again one more time and talk I want him to know about attachment style, he once said he dunno what to do about his sickness about attachment, but now I know and want him to know. I might not for him, might not be with him, but I want to try again this much I'm really grateful for this forum I understand, and please don't think that I am criticizing you. It's just that I know the pain of insecure attachment myself and that healing comes first from the inside. Many people have tried to show their love interest the way to healing attachment, by sharing information. You can do this, and it may plant a seed for him, for sure. But of course you have to let go of the outcome. Since he already has some awareness and said he doesn't know what to do, offering him some material to read or suggesting a therapist who works with attachment are things you could do. Ultimately I'd like to see everyone in the world overcome this, wouldn't that be nice! But people have their own process and their own outcomes that we are completely powerless over. In the meantime, I am glad that you have found this forum and hope that you can get a lot of good support here. Have you checked out the healing threads in the general forum?
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Post by pumpkinbear on Jan 22, 2022 14:08:19 GMT
wow love this ! sobering ! 😏 Thanks for your input! I will put things in consideration, Since it's my first experience dealing with avoidant partner, I learned a lot, and somehow I'm healing and learn more about myself through this period of time. I will give him chance since it's the first, if things didn't get better after a month I will leave happily that I tried and learn. I'm setting boundaries for now, chat casual, not asking for meeting up since it's trigger him thinking that I'm needy, and share mostly positive vibes Wish me luck 🤞 I can see the need to try it out and explore things further with him, and of course it's your choice! I'll caution you just as I would my daughters: watch yourself. Literally- look at what you are doing. I wrote above that a man or woman who can't communicate their true intentions are a waste of your time, and the same goes for you here- you're playing a little game to be pleasing to him in hopes that he'll come around. It's not going to work out how you hope, and that's because a solid relationship is not built on games, and it's not built with an unaware avoidant or an unaware AP person for that matter. Rather than wish you luck I'd like to challenge you to be honest with him, and not play this silly game. You are being two people here .. be one person, be yourself. Give up trying to please him and be what he wants and stand up for who you are, what you want, and don't let him boss you and control you- if he doesn't want a relationship then you don't want him, right? Why are you making this all about what he wants? Avoidants should NOT be the ones calling all the shots in a relationship, that I can tell you. They suck at it. Any insecure person sucks at this. See if you can have the courage to tell him that you are interested in a relationship with him, but if he is not interested you would like to move on, happy that you at least had the conversation. Because playing this chill little game with him isn't trying, it's manipulating. Trying means having the conversation. I do wish you the very best here!
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