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Post by seeking on Jan 19, 2022 16:28:22 GMT
I've been on dating sites for as long as I can remember. My whole life, probably.
I'm really over it. The last two interactions just push me over the edge.
In this day and age, you'd think there would be a lot more out there for singles who meet different categories - esp just simple intelligence and emotional intelligence in particular. I can't even honestly have a 2 minute chat conversation without it just being out right bizarre.
I live in a pretty sheltered world of neurodivergent folks, highly sensitive people, very intelligent, communicative people, and I just don't have tolerance for anything else most of the time - certainly not in the dating world.
Having to sift through dozens of male humans who can't even hold the most basic conversation is not something I want to spend anymore time on.
And before every tells me to join a bunch of in-person things- I just can't right now. That's not my reality. I have a child at home. She doesn't love staying with sitters. I can't afford sitters unless I am going on a date with a very potential match. It's very lock-downish where I live. Its also been like 12 degrees here. Yes, I can get out more, and I will.
But is there another way? Is there dating aspects to things like authentic relating? So much is online these days, I feel like there's got to be something where I can let my light shine and not be a 1 dimensional object.
Sorry if a lot of frustration is coming through here, but I guess sometimes it takes reaching a breaking point for things to shift!
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Post by tnr9 on Jan 19, 2022 16:43:51 GMT
I've been on dating sites for as long as I can remember. My whole life, probably. I'm really over it. The last two interactions just push me over the edge. In this day and age, you'd think there would be a lot more out there for singles who meet different categories - esp just simple intelligence and emotional intelligence in particular. I can't even honestly have a 2 minute chat conversation without it just being out right bizarre. I live in a pretty sheltered world of neurodivergent folks, highly sensitive people, very intelligent, communicative people, and I just don't have tolerance for anything else most of the time - certainly not in the dating world. Having to sift through dozens of male humans who can't even hold the most basic conversation is not something I want to spend anymore time on. And before every tells me to join a bunch of in-person things- I just can't right now. That's not my reality. I have a child at home. She doesn't love staying with sitters. I can't afford sitters unless I am going on a date with a very potential match. It's very lock-downish where I live. Its also been like 12 degrees here. Yes, I can get out more, and I will. But is there another way? Is there dating aspects to things like authentic relating? So much is online these days, I feel like there's got to be something where I can let my light shine and not be a 1 dimensional object. Sorry if a lot of frustrating is coming through here, but I guess sometimes it takes reaching a breaking point for things to shift! Have you considered meeting other people simply though your hobbies? I am not saying the dating pool is better or worse…but doing something you enjoy and finding people who also enjoy the same thing….makes it less of a task. I know in my area there is this “meet people while you do fun things” option. It is called My Social Calendar….and they have various activities such as cooking classes and hot air ballon rides. Just a thought about a different avenue to explore.
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Post by seeking on Jan 19, 2022 17:18:30 GMT
Thanks, TNR9, I think - like I was saying - in person social activities aren't going to be a good bet for me right now for a number of reasons - I don't really enjoy being in groups, it's 12 degrees here, I don't have childcare, and we are in a lot of lock downs here (things are closed for in person through part of february). This has been the case for a long time, so I'm trying to find other options outside of having to do a lot of work to do things I wouldn't ordinarily do to meet someone -
My hobbies are yoga (I do that at home since everything is virtual), reading, and writing, and watching and listening to personal development videos, doing trainings, healthy eating, researching, maybe some hiking, seeing friends, and being with my dog and kid.
I'm an introvert. And an Enneagram 6 wing 5- not exactly the type to go out to a class or group event - esp considering doing that would probably make me act less like myself. So do people like me still meet people?
I did want to attend a kirtan with a friend but I don't think she can go and I doubt I'd go alone (it's an hour away and childcare is an issue). I am going to be attending in-person meetings for an activism group. But I don't want to go into it with the attitude of scanning for single guys.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 19, 2022 17:37:10 GMT
seeking, I'm chiming in just to empathize with you. My online dating experience was horrendous, one because I habitually swipe left and it's so stupid and two because when I DID try to be genuine and introduce myself to men on there it quickly went south with inane sexual innuendo or weird stuff that you just can't make up. You and I are in a similar age group and the online community where I am is full of mid lifers who haven't figured it out so to speak. My best friend is going through the agony of it right now and expanded her search to what would amount to LDR- and got stung by that. She's avoidant but working on it- If say her picker is still broken so that accounts for some of it as well (as it did with me). Anyway, it really is difficult and I don't have good advice except to be patient until things shift with the pandemic and the child care situations. Those are real life obstacles that are really challenging. I met my guy before the pandemic and we were able to carry on- and I don't have childcare issues anymore. This may be a time of flying solo and being patient, in the absence of real opportunities for now.
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Post by seeking on Jan 19, 2022 17:49:41 GMT
seeking , I'm chiming in just to empathize with you. My online dating experience was horrendous, one because I habitually swipe left and it's so stupid and two because when I DID try to be genuine and introduce myself to men on there it quickly went south with inane sexual innuendo or weird stuff that you just can't make up. You and I are in a similar age group and the online community where I am is full of mid lifers who haven't figured it out so to speak. OMG - all of this *exactly* -
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Post by seeking on Jan 19, 2022 17:52:39 GMT
And, yeah, I'm okay with flying solo. I've been for 4 years now. It's a long time. More than most people would tolerate. And I've done so much work that it's really hard to be out there among a lot of just really unconscious - not self aware folks.
Did you meet your person online?
Mostly I have an attitude of no biggie - someone comes along, great. But I think the recent two exchanges hurt a bit - one, really. And so it made me really frustrated. I just began to wonder if maybe there is a site/method that is better suited for me and what I'm looking for.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 19, 2022 18:04:46 GMT
And, yeah, I'm okay with flying solo. I've been for 4 years now. It's a long time. More than most people would tolerate. And I've done so much work that it's really hard to be out there among a lot of just really unconscious - not self aware folks. Did you meet your person online? Mostly I have an attitude of no biggie - someone comes along, great. But I think the recent two exchanges hurt a bit - one, really. And so it made me really frustrated. I just began to wonder if maybe there is a site/method that is better suited for me and what I'm looking for. Ok well it's kind of funny, I swiped left and also turned him down in conversation online, he was kind and appropriate but I thought not my physical "type". (I learned a LOT about dating and relationships in the last two years haha!). Then I encountered him (without recognizing him) in person while engaged in a hobby, in person. We started talking and I declined to "socialize" with him but DID accept his offer to explore the hobby with him and he asked me out months down the road. I made the connection with the online profile fairly early on but neither of us mentioned it (another thing we joked about recently). Ive been solo for long periods in my life as well, and experienced growth during those times. My uncomfortable experiences with dating online (can we really call it that, sheesh) were not useless. I learned about boundaries that I needed to develop, my own facade, my own dysfunction rearing its head there. The most striking thing to me there is that my concept of "type" changed completely. From superficial to deep. And that continues to be a learning experience.
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Post by cherrycola on Jan 19, 2022 18:22:32 GMT
Oh I feel you here, I am very introverted and my hobbies skew indoors. My city is also in lock down after lock down, on top of being notoriously unfriendly to begin with.
I found that online dating has gotten better as I have gotten more intentional. When I started I was matching on anything that caught my eye and my profile was vague because I thought I wanted to attract as many people as possible. I also sort of "chased" people, and put in way too much effort to try to keep a chat going.
I came to realize I only want to spend my time on those who would match my lifestyle and want a serious relationship. Once I made my profile more specific I got far less matches but they are a lot better.
I no longer match with anyone who has anything dodgy in their profile. This includes "open to anything", "Looking to see where things go", "looking for love but open to a hookup" etc etc. I don't bother with people whose personality is travel, extremely active/fitness, anti-vaxxers, shirtless, or bed photos.
I look for green flags such as actual personality traits, and being direct that they only want something long term.
Matching their effort was a big change for me. I usually let them message me and I reject low effort "WYD". If I think they are someone really great, I'll reach out with a personalized opening, if I can't get a dialogue going I give up. If they drop off I may try once to restart it then move on. I do still get matches that try to convince me to have a hookup but the % has gone down. I really don't ask men out anymore, I may flirtingly suggest/hint they should ask me out but I've never had anything good come of me setting up a date.
I am going to be looking into eHarmony or Match.com next. I am hoping that their more in depth profiles causes the wishy washy/low effort people to not bother.
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Post by seeking on Jan 19, 2022 18:27:13 GMT
introvert, that's really helpful - the reminder that online dating is a good learning experience. I'm seeing that too - esp in the last 24 hours.
But how funny that you (or your "avoidant parts" maybe) swiped left! And then the guy showed up in person!
I sometimes wonder about that with the same guys showing up. But there are certain "hard nos" that I have right now that I have to honor for myself.
I think I just got a little connected in with someone the past 2 days - which is super rare. And ended up having dreams of feeling really connected to someone - and then waking up in the morning and feeling a slight shift in the world and a remembering of what it feels like to connect with someone and be excited about it - and then, as usually happens, he disappeared from my matches (which means he ended the conversation). Nothing happened on my end. It just took a little while for me to get past that. Hard for someone with attachment issues to kind of blow around in the wind at the mercy of people's whims. I'm fine. But mostly I think that longing is dormant in me. And when it gets activated it's hard to kind of just sit there and have it go nowhere (and just to be clear, I'm not talking about anything sexual at all -- not that there's anything wrong with that - but more just that longing for emotional connecting - )
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Post by seeking on Jan 19, 2022 18:43:09 GMT
usernametaken - I'm right there with you on all of that. My profile is actually very specific. And some don't even bother reading it (I can tell the ones) but it means A LOT less matches. In the past week, I talked to one guy that would have been a real prospect, but I had to give some thought to it and unfortunately turn him down - definitely a lot that wasn't on my checklist (he was shorter, etc) but the thing that made me not move on was that he has custody of both his disabled adult children. Which says A LOT about the type of person he is, and is attractive, but I just can't do it. However I was proud of myself for realizing his potential and checking it out a good deal. And being drawn to someone with qualities that matter... I was also proud of myself for noticing off the bat someone say he is a "reformed bad boy" - seems kind of innocuous, but why put that out there? And then tell me he has a "high emotional EQ" - and tell me about all the work he does on himself - but that he took custody of his kid (mom was a drug addict) but then gave back 50% custody. I'm trying not to be judgmental. But he definitely would have been my "type" in the past, and talking to him (even over text) made me feel really drained - he was the one who disappeared suddenly (so - it's fine). And the last guy who stated in his profile he's a therapist, which immediately made me think he had the potential to be decent and communicative started out "hi sexy" (??) I tried to converse with him and it was so confusing. Wow. So I just started thinking there's gotta be something for professional type people who can hold a basic conversation and have some self-awareness? ... maybe?
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Post by Deleted on Jan 19, 2022 19:10:45 GMT
introvert, that's really helpful - the reminder that online dating is a good learning experience. I'm seeing that too - esp in the last 24 hours. But how funny that you (or your "avoidant parts" maybe) swiped left! And then the guy showed up in person! I sometimes wonder about that with the same guys showing up. But there are certain "hard nos" that I have right now that I have to honor for myself. I think I just got a little connected in with someone the past 2 days - which is super rare. And ended up having dreams of feeling really connected to someone - and then waking up in the morning and feeling a slight shift in the world and a remembering of what it feels like to connect with someone and be excited about it - and then, as usually happens, he disappeared from my matches (which means he ended the conversation). Nothing happened on my end. It just took a little while for me to get past that. Hard for someone with attachment issues to kind of blow around in the wind at the mercy of people's whims. I'm fine. But mostly I think that longing is dormant in me. And when it gets activated it's hard to kind of just sit there and have it go nowhere (and just to be clear, I'm not talking about anything sexual at all -- not that there's anything wrong with that - but more just that longing for emotional connecting - ) Yeah it's pretty funny that my avoidant parts rejected him initially and then he showed up. When I was online dating I was pretty unhealthy I'd say, I was working on things but that process illuminated my issues a fair amount. I relate to cherrycola 's comments about evolving and becoming more intentional, but for me that was an internal process and I didn't stick around to for any outcomes because I abandoned it all after a while. I know what you mean about that wistful kind of awakening... stirring a longing for connection. Avoidants can feel that too and it usually results in forming some kind of unavailable fantasy connection where limmerance can be experienced with very little or only sexual contact, sheesh I'm glad I'm not there anymore! But that's not to say your longing isn't healthy, not at all- just relating to you. We all want connection but as that healing DA thread says, there's just a lot in the way. When I would get upset by something that happened in the online universe I would examine what it was triggering and work on that. There was plenty of material there haha. I don't think I participated in online dating in a way that could have ever led to anything good because I just didn't know enough about myself. It's been a process over years to grow and mature and evolve and this relationship I feel has been the fruit of that, but also an opportunity to deepen the learning and growth. But yea, the whole process is educational if you let it be that way!
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Post by seeking on Jan 19, 2022 21:18:28 GMT
Yeah it's pretty funny that my avoidant parts rejected him initially and then he showed up. When I was online dating I was pretty unhealthy I'd say, I was working on things but that process illuminated my issues a fair amount. I relate to cherrycola 's comments about evolving and becoming more intentional, but for me that was an internal process and I didn't stick around to for any outcomes because I abandoned it all after a while. I know what you mean about that wistful kind of awakening... stirring a longing for connection. Avoidants can feel that too and it usually results in forming some kind of unavailable fantasy connection where limmerance can be experienced with very little or only sexual contact, sheesh I'm glad I'm not there anymore! But that's not to say your longing isn't healthy, not at all- just relating to you. We all want connection but as that healing DA thread says, there's just a lot in the way. When I would get upset by something that happened in the online universe I would examine what it was triggering and work on that. There was plenty of material there haha. I don't think I participated in online dating in a way that could have ever led to anything good because I just didn't know enough about myself. It's been a process over years to grow and mature and evolve and this relationship I feel has been the fruit of that, but also an opportunity to deepen the learning and growth. But yea, the whole process is educational if you let it be that way! Yeah, stirring is a good word. I don't think there was much more too it than grieving a simple need for common courtesy ("Oh you live too far." "Sorry I don't think we're a match.") and noticing the younger "parts" of me wanting that attachment and then having to kind of curl up again. I think my only fantasy connection at this point is someone who can really understand my life. Feeling understood, feeling met/seen/heard those are all qualities that would be really nice - otherwise, I actually don't even think I understand the point of a relationship. So this last guy had a daughter my age - was a full-time single dad at times, wanted to go back to school for a masters in counseling (I do similar work), had to go to therapy with his kid who was traumatize (me too) - his ex is a narc. It was like 'Wow, someone who gets it." And he was journaling when we messaged and the same astro sign as me (which is rare, and felt important - minor thing but whatever). So that awakening of - could it be? Someone who can be a companion on this path? And then he was gone.
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Post by alexandra on Jan 19, 2022 21:19:08 GMT
cherrycola, that was all my experience too. Once I got very intentional and tightened my filters to eliminate noise, I had far fewer matches and dates but higher quality. My age range may be younger than yours, but I didn't find Match to be any better. Many people on there were also on the free sites. I've had friends looking for older age ranges have success with eharmony. seeking, if there are introverted hobbies that can be done even through online messaging groups, I do know of people who have met that way as well. These are younger person examples (when everyone was in their 20s), but through gaming, food groups (people sharing the same dietary restrictions, not like people discussing dieting), things like that where they weren't looking for romance at first but connected online and lived locally to each other, then it blossomed over the shared interests. Where I live, there's a person who started a dating event for people with similar complaints to yours that went fully virtual over the pandemic. I haven't really seen anything else like it, but I also haven't looked in cities outside mine. It's possible others are coming up with similar ideas other places, but I found it through social media connections and gave it a try when I was still single. I didn't meet any dates there but everyone was very nice, and I met a couple cool women.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 19, 2022 21:37:35 GMT
Yeah it's pretty funny that my avoidant parts rejected him initially and then he showed up. When I was online dating I was pretty unhealthy I'd say, I was working on things but that process illuminated my issues a fair amount. I relate to cherrycola 's comments about evolving and becoming more intentional, but for me that was an internal process and I didn't stick around to for any outcomes because I abandoned it all after a while. I know what you mean about that wistful kind of awakening... stirring a longing for connection. Avoidants can feel that too and it usually results in forming some kind of unavailable fantasy connection where limmerance can be experienced with very little or only sexual contact, sheesh I'm glad I'm not there anymore! But that's not to say your longing isn't healthy, not at all- just relating to you. We all want connection but as that healing DA thread says, there's just a lot in the way. When I would get upset by something that happened in the online universe I would examine what it was triggering and work on that. There was plenty of material there haha. I don't think I participated in online dating in a way that could have ever led to anything good because I just didn't know enough about myself. It's been a process over years to grow and mature and evolve and this relationship I feel has been the fruit of that, but also an opportunity to deepen the learning and growth. But yea, the whole process is educational if you let it be that way! Yeah, stirring is a good word. I don't think there was much more too it than grieving a simple need for common courtesy ("Oh you live too far." "Sorry I don't think we're a match.") and noticing the younger "parts" of me wanting that attachment and then having to kind of curl up again. I think my only fantasy connection at this point is someone who can really understand my life. Feeling understood, feeling met/seen/heard those are all qualities that would be really nice - otherwise, I actually don't even think I understand the point of a relationship. So this last guy had a daughter my age - was a full-time single dad at times, wanted to go back to school for a masters in counseling (I do similar work), had to go to therapy with his kid who was traumatize (me too) - his ex is a narc. It was like 'Wow, someone who gets it." And he was journaling when we messaged and the same astro sign as me (which is rare, and felt important - minor thing but whatever). So that awakening of - could it be? Someone who can be a companion on this path? And then he was gone. Oh I get that- the abrupt disappearance of even just someone you're introducing yourself too is disconcerting- it's a bit rude and could have a triggering impact, at least pinging disappointment. That's where the online culture becomes tainted- the lack of courtesy that is so commonplace. You know, I also get wanting someone who had "been there" to see and understand me... but what I found is that people with similar histories or circumstances also had a lot of baggage and kindred was not necessarily good! Ha! What's REALLY been healing is to have a someone in my life like my boyfriend who DOESNT have all my same issues and experiences, and in fact is very very different... who can be compassionate and accepting. That's been pretty profound. It's like another level of acceptance- no, he didn't experience the same things, he doesn't experience the world the same way that I do, but he's open to me and it's required me being vulnerable to put it all out there without the instant comfort of camaraderie or familiarity. So, you might be limiting yourself without realizing it, thinking that you need a certain kind of empathy and familiarity and understanding, not really realizing the generosity of love in someone quite different from you. I used to seek shelter in familiarity but it was real growth to be myself and tell my story and represent Introvert as she is without being guaranteed instant acceptance and understanding. I had to be challenged to be true and not hide, and help him understand me. I would say it's been a beautiful gift between us to be able to see each other and understand without having been in the other's shoes, it's meant building connection, trust, intimacy from the ground up. Lots of assuming could happen if you have too much in common, maybe even projecting, I imagine. Ao maybe you just don't feel safe or trusting around being seen but it's because u you ou haven't had that kind of relationship yet, and it might not be where you think it is. Just spitballin here.
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Post by cherrycola on Jan 19, 2022 22:20:01 GMT
cherrycola, that was all my experience too. Once I got very intentional and tightened my filters to eliminate noise, I had far fewer matches and dates but higher quality. My age range may be younger than yours, but I didn't find Match to be any better. Many people on there were also on the free sites. I've had friends looking for older age ranges have success with eharmony. I actually suspected that about match but have heard mixed things. I'm about to turn 36 and I know I can't rush things, but that anxiety of knowing I'll likely hit 40 before I even start trying for kids is starting to creep in. When you say older what age are we talking? I think my upper limit is 41.
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