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Post by alexandra on Jan 19, 2022 22:46:39 GMT
cherrycola I think I tried Match when I was 30. So it may not be so different after all. I don't know that you can still do this, but a few years ago you had visibility to all Match and ok cupid matches without having to swipe through anything. So I took a look at the Match profiles versus the ok cupid profiles to see if they were mostly the same before I committed to paying. I ended up paying for a month just to see anyway, but at least where I am, it was mostly more of the same as the free sites. I tried talking to one guy who didn't answer but then oddly ended up at an in person event I was also attending a few days later. I mentioned messaging him and we went on a date that was really good for both of us... and then he ghosted. So I didn't have a good enough or unique enough experience with Match to warrant continuing to use it, personally. HOWEVER, I also wasn't filtering well yet, as I was still AP and not dating securely yet. So you may have a different experience for a couple reasons... hopefully a better one!
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Post by seeking on Jan 20, 2022 0:27:23 GMT
You know, I also get wanting someone who had "been there" to see and understand me... but what I found is that people with similar histories or circumstances also had a lot of baggage and kindred was not necessarily good! Ha! What's REALLY been healing is to have a someone in my life like my boyfriend who DOESNT have all my same issues and experiences, and in fact is very very different... who can be compassionate and accepting. That's been pretty profound. It's like another level of acceptance- no, he didn't experience the same things, he doesn't experience the world the same way that I do, but he's open to me and it's required me being vulnerable to put it all out there without the instant comfort of camaraderie or familiarity. So, you might be limiting yourself without realizing it, thinking that you need a certain kind of empathy and familiarity and understanding, not really realizing the generosity of love in someone quite different from you. I used to seek shelter in familiarity but it was real growth to be myself and tell my story and represent Introvert as she is without being guaranteed instant acceptance and understanding. I had to be challenged to be true and not hide, and help him understand me. This brought up a lot and made me think - and so I'm going to just get really vulnerable here and see what comes out... First reaction was - I have no interest in people outside of my world really - I mean, I do. But like if they had a really really interesting job/career/passion/pursuit, I could. I don't think the person needs to have gone through the exact same thing as me but I'm an HSP so I don't have a lot of tolerance for people who glide along on the surface. I am not interested in someone who just wants to watch TV and zone out together. So I guess I just meant this more that this person had a lot in common with me - but I don't need those exact things - someone whose "Been through a lot?" Yes, definitely. Depth of character and someone who has some wisdom and gets it in certain ways feels really crucial to me. I don't even have friends who aren't like this so I don't see myself having a partner like this. It would just feel too imbalanced all the time - like I was the one with all the "stuff" - I'm probably not putting it well - but underneath all that, another thing I realized is this idea of being a "burden" to someone who is not in my shoes. I have follow a certain diet, I don't drink, I avoid loud noisy places, I go to bed early, I can't be around mold. I have a kid who is "quirky" to say the least. Like that's not gonna be something for the average joe. And it does feel like a bit of a liability so I suppose I'm self conscious about that and tend to search for people who have their own "stuff" - maybe that way mine won't seem like "a lot" -- I guess it's a form of protection.
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Post by alexandra on Jan 20, 2022 1:19:56 GMT
seeking, I don't think it means you need to look for someone with their own "stuff." You need to find someone laid back who doesn't see yours as an inconvenience. Some people will and some won't think much of it. Maybe they'll also have stuff and maybe they won't. It's about stuff fitting together rather than you can make assumptions about whether they do or don't have stuff being predictive about how you get along. But what you're saying is you feel like your stuff is a burden so you don't deserve someone who also doesn't have burdensome stuff. Even if you don't realize or exactly mean for that to be what you're saying. Someone(s) likely made you feel that way in the past, you internalized it, and you're not compassionate enough about yourself with it. Which will make it harder to meet another person who will hold that compassion too. I know we've discussed your "love vision" in the past. And I think what you're saying about depth, a growth mentality, and maturity is great. There's no reason you should settle on any of that. I just wonder if your vision is getting a bit limited by your own assumptions about who would "have" you, and it being limited by your own self esteem levels.
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Post by seeking on Jan 20, 2022 2:05:46 GMT
Alexandra - what you're saying makes sense - although my brain is like NO REALLY - IT'S TRUE.
And anyone who likes me with where I'm at is just desperate.
I guess this is really old stuff. Which is why I have a hard time liking people who like me because I don't trust it.
I'm really surprised this would even still be alive in me.
I feel pretty confident most of the time.
I don't love my appearance at the moment - at all, actually, but I'm doing what I can within reason - getting a hair consult Saturday, new jeans, eating not in a way to lose weight but that helps my body heal - it is what it is.
But as soon as I say that it flips to realizing I feel very confident about myself in many ways - just not ways that seem to matter to most men. Like I'm happy with where I am in my career, I am proud of myself as a parent, and as a human. I know I'm deep and kind and sensitive and nurturing and communicative. I think I'm actually a catch and often can't understand (but can) why men pass me up - but the "I can understand" part is because they may not be looking for someone stable, sane, etc or more like a person they can "save" or fix or who is super sexy kinda thing.
I'm cerebra/inward and earthy.
I think if I'm honest some of it is I don't want to have to change a lot about my lifestyle - right now, I'm pretty much wearing the same outfit of a lot because I'm working on a huge project. I'm not into fussing about my appearance to wear I look great all the time. I like my alone time. I am raising a daughter single-handedly.
I think it's fair to say that's not a fit for a lot of people - and that "not being a fit" is okay, but it also wears me down over time. I think if I find someone whose got "stuff" he'd a) appreciate me more b) would notice my flaws less? maybe? c) would be wrapped up in his own stuff to not notice I am kind of lazy about my appearance, etc etc.
So like the guy with the narc ex he'd appreciate that I'm not a narc. I guess it would give me more value? (Just sort of writing this out as it comes to me - not sure I know).
I think that's a really FA way to be? Or super anxious attached? Not sure.
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Post by seeking on Jan 20, 2022 2:10:03 GMT
I guess what it comes down to - which I've touched on before on this topic - is just someone who has the same values - like his values wouldn't be having rowdy fun every weekend or "getting out" - he'd be more of a homebody like me, or a reader/writer, contemplative. Lifestyle-similarities. He'd value intellect and emotional EQ over appearance. If that guy even exists.
I also think I just don't ever want to be rejected on the basis of my body/appearance. I feel pretty hypersensitive to that - and that is pretty early stuff with early caregivers who placed A LOT of importance on physical appearance and surface stuff that meant nothing to me. So I guess that's where this is coming from!
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Post by cherrycola on Jan 20, 2022 3:16:54 GMT
I totally get the urge to find someone with "stuff". The tricky part about this is, you can't always know if they have dealt with it. My ex had stuff. I recognized a ton of the things he was going through and if I'm honest it was one of the things that attracted me to him. As @introvert mentioned it also caused some unhealthy projection on my part. By the time I realized he hadn't really dealt with and wasn't able to deal with his stuff it was too late.
I also 110% understand the body thing. I have a great job, a house, hobbies etc. But I am overweight even after losing 40lbs and I know men judge me on it. I get the sense some men think I'm an easyhookup. Others treat me like a fetish.
The thing is, I know I am pretty, I just do not photograph well, even with immense effort. Most dates are shocked by how different I appear in person.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 20, 2022 3:45:46 GMT
I guess what it comes down to - which I've touched on before on this topic - is just someone who has the same values - like his values wouldn't be having rowdy fun every weekend or "getting out" - he'd be more of a homebody like me, or a reader/writer, contemplative. Lifestyle-similarities. He'd value intellect and emotional EQ over appearance. If that guy even exists. I also think I just don't ever want to be rejected on the basis of my body/appearance. I feel pretty hypersensitive to that - and that is pretty early stuff with early caregivers who placed A LOT of importance on physical appearance and surface stuff that meant nothing to me. So I guess that's where this is coming from! It's REALLY good to take this out and look at it in good company here though! I relate to so much of what you wrote above, even down to being HSP and having that impact so much of my lifestyle that compatibility seemed impossible to me. (Even before I knew what HSP was, I knew that I'm the odd bird who stays home and does quiet things in the warm warm etc etc. ) What people do "normally" had no appeal to me and I thought someone I fit well with would have to be a very particular kind of guy. NOPE. That's not how it worked out. My guy is impervious to all things lol. He's sensory TOUGH, no sensitivity there. I have extremely sensitive hearing- he is severely hearing impaired. Think about watching a movie- lawd. Thermostat wars. He's got undiagnosed adhd I am sure! So he's very intelligent, genius maybe- but quiet intellectual type? NO. He's adventure man, always planning a new adventure. I'm a homebody! I'm spiritual, he's rational engineer head. Opposites! ๐๐๐ I have 4 kids, two at home... still parenting teens , been a single mom with that special kind of hardship for a long time.. His single son has graduated with a masters because he's as gifted as his dad at 23, working for a major corporation making way more than I do! Ha. It all was challenging for me at first for the reasons that you mention. I sooooo get it. What it required was communication, and two people with empathy and a desire to learn to love well. Listening, arguing (YES!), learning how to resolve conflict, and expand ourselves to accommodate the other. I feel very high maintenance sometimes as a pre-menopausal HSP woman, believe me. I feel so capable of being by myself and never having to worry about who has my back. I do, I did, all the time and I was comfortable like that. I had to outgrow my comfort zone and ask for help, ask for support, be vulnerable sharing my quirks and needs and limitations and he's responded very, very well in a way that makes me feel truly understood and truly loved. I read somewhere that love is made more beautiful when the person you love is flawed, imperfect, challenging. I wouldn't say my sensitivity and needs are flaws.. but you get what I'm saying? It's easy to love "perfect" and it's easy to love "easy". But is that the most beautiful that love can be? And, I stepped way outside my physical type to choose him- I chose well. So there is no insecurity between us about physicality, it's the real thing and I know exactly where you're coming from. I just want to encourage you that this can turn out much better than you think, in VERY unexpected ways. You don't have to curate the perfect man to "get" you- you need to love yourself as is, share yourself as is, let yourself be imperfect and vulnerable and "high maintenance" and the man for you will embrace all of it if you trust him to. I don't want to sound to fantastical here but that kind of thing really happens, and not just to me I see it in the secure couples around me. Just keep an open mind and embrace yourself and open to the idea that none of that is an obstacle. You have to love you first(even if imperfectly) and then someone will reflect that back to you. I swear!
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Post by cherrycola on Jan 20, 2022 4:17:48 GMT
@introvert that gave me all sorts of warm fuzzies. Thank you!
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Post by Deleted on Jan 20, 2022 5:13:40 GMT
@introvert that gave me all sorts of warm fuzzies. Thank you! ๐๐งก
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Post by seeking on Jan 20, 2022 13:11:14 GMT
Introvert - it's okay if you don't want to answer this, but then what do you think drew you guys together? He liked you online, and you passed, right? You met in person and got to know each other. Sounds like he pursued you. So what do you think it was? This story helped me a lot - and gives me hope, inspiration, and yes, I'm "high maintenance" (although not in the traditional sense) - but, you're right, I can feel that shift. That guy is out there. (I think)
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Post by seeking on Jan 20, 2022 13:12:42 GMT
Username - congrats on the weight loss!
And, yes, same here - I don't photograph well - and I don't put my absolute best photos out there (fearing I won't live up to them in person) so it's usually a nice surprise, which helps my anxiety I suppose
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Post by Deleted on Jan 20, 2022 14:37:46 GMT
Introvert - it's okay if you don't want to answer this, but then what do you think drew you guys together? He liked you online, and you passed, right? You met in person and got to know each other. Sounds like he pursued you. So what do you think it was? This story helped me a lot - and gives me hope, inspiration, and yes, I'm "high maintenance" (although not in the traditional sense) - but, you're right, I can feel that shift. That guy is out there. (I think) Well, he did pursue me but he was really mellow about it- what initially drew us together in person was that we passionately share a hobby and that's what I was doing when he encountered me. He loved that I love what he loves! He found me attractive but was really intrigued that I share his passion. We also have the same deep values, and he appreciated that I am a good mother and that I prioritize my kids, he adores children. He hasn't become deeply involved with my kids but over time they all have met and are warm. He's very involved with my little grandchildren. Also, I am accepting of him and his quirks! He's mentioned that he appreciates that. Being quirky myself and very aware of it, I noticed his adhd traits and frankly missed the big picture of that until I learned more here! But it's real. I've accepted that and work with it. My friend put it this way... "You're his person! And he yours." In a spiritual sense I think that what drew us together is that we are willing, and uniquely positioned, to grow together, to challenge and support each other in a meaningful way. In a mundane sense, it was doing stuff together and enjoying it.
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Post by seeking on Jan 20, 2022 14:54:40 GMT
Introvert what you just wrote REALLY helps - spelling it out that way makes sense. I can see someone loving what a good mom I am, respecting the work I do in this world, sharing the same values. Etc. So what you wrote makes it possible for me to see that things are... well, possible, for me. I guess I'm just swimming in the wrong waters. And my hobby might be like a writer's group. But obviously in a state of lockdown, that's not happening at the moment.
But this definitely helps me shift things.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 20, 2022 15:22:17 GMT
Introvert what you just wrote REALLY helps - spelling it out that way makes sense. I can see someone loving what a good mom I am, respecting the work I do in this world, sharing the same values. Etc. So what you wrote makes it possible for me to see that things are... well, possible, for me. I guess I'm just swimming in the wrong waters. And my hobby might be like a writer's group. But obviously in a state of lockdown, that's not happening at the moment. But this definitely helps me shift things. One thing about online dating to really keep in mind.... profiles, by nature of being profiles, are SO superficial. The first thing you have to do is describe your body type!!! And then it's a series of facts about you and some pics... I mean, it's really not an amazing platform. True, it works for some people. I was shallow and avoidant enough to swipe left on my boyfriend (this was quite a while before we met in person, thank goodness). Why? He seemed nice, accomplished, maybe too good, haha... and I didn't like his picture. I was avoidant to be sure. It's so easy for the insecure in yourself to say no to every opportunity that might be something, right? It's easy to hide online, and come up with reasons that that person just isn't the one, remaining unavailable because of unfinished business in ourselves. I was actively growing and taking care of myself when we encountered each other in real life. I still wasn't ready for anything, and still wasn't attracted to him either! But over time his qualities made him handsome to me and now we are like peas and carrots (square and round, green and orange but great together hahaha). I'd say, shift your perspective away from the stats you have to enter on the online platform--- still try that if it suits, but shift your perspective and follow your desires and your passions. See yourself as you want to be seen- as a woman, a writer, a friend, a mother, a lover. Anne12 has posted a lot about how to love yourself, and maybe some of those tips could assist you in that shift. Take really good care of you because you find yourself worthy of that, and you enjoy yourself!
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Post by seeking on Jan 26, 2022 13:50:11 GMT
So as life would have it, literally 5 days after I wrote this post, someone matched with me who was THE GUY I had in mind when I wrote this. In his profile he said he was looking for "intelligence" "self-awareness" and EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE and curiosity. Wanted to cultivate joy.
When I looked at his profile, so many things happened at once. I felt a bit panicked, then I couldn't believe it. Then I felt this feeling of THIS.
I want to explain that because it somehow feels important. It was like he was my "league" even though I don't always own that - professional, smart, good looking, self aware. But when I match with people day after day after day, I am matching (seemingly) with parts of myself that are not that - they are accepting way less, going "lower" etc. Just out of my league, and not in a good way (I don't do the other out of my league, I don't bother). It just felt nice to have a reflection of myself that felt accurate and like - yes, this is the kind of person I imagine myself with.
I wrote him first (it's Bumble) and his email back was like M E L T - he was like "Oh, Seeking, hi. Thank you for connecting. Etc etc." Like the "Oh, my name." Ugh. And it didn't' feel creepy.
Again, I had so many feelings happen all at once - like maybe life DOES make sense. There ARE guys out there. It just DOES take time. Confirming everything I was told and finally going "OH"
We exchanged a few messages - but he picked asking me about something that wasn't really a huge thing right now - like I put that I'm a "future homesteader" (I was, but maybe haven't updated that) (things change). And I just sort of meant it to be cute - I wrote other things about my life.
So he asked me where, and I said it's more a dream than a plan. And he was like "Ohhh. I thought you meant like Alaska or something."
So I said, "Do you have any interest in a cozy homestead?"
I really didn't mean it like I was inviting him to that, just checking his thoughts - maybe he was into it too? But he said, "I'd have to really think about it."
The convo was just weird and felt like not bad, nothing terrible. Just like I was projected on - like he had this idea I was some pioneer woman.
Because then nothing.
I couldn't believe it.
I actually woke up in the middle of the night and checked.
The next day I got a notification of a message and my instant thought was "Oh, phew, the world isn't that bizarre. It makes sense."
But it wasn't him. He never wrote back.
I don't get it.
Side note: I know, I know - I shouldn't have ran all of the place with it - but I did reign myself in - it's just that those parts of me longing for this got "activated" and so when I was getting panicky - He's here! He'll go away! - I just re-directed myself (which I was really proud of myself for).
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