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Post by seeking on Jan 26, 2022 14:04:30 GMT
So Part 2
I'm on another site - one that is more particular to the pandemic. The app doesn't work great and this guy wrote me and right away just mentioned his email address (otherwise, there's no chance you'd really connect with anyone - ). So I looked him up - good job, not sure where he lives or how old. And nice photo.
I write, and he writes me back. And shares that he was at a recent gathering I knew about. I asked him how it was, he sent me photos - a quote (that I ended up putting on my FB page, b/c I loved it).
He said we could meet halfway (he lives in another state).
There was nothing creepy about him.
We wrote 3 long emails to each other in one day and there's one from him this morning with the photos I requested (he only had one on his profile and the same one on his professional pages). He's 7 years older, 3 grown kids - was married until recently - basically probably married for 30 years.
He seems SECURE. I'm all OH. This is what people are talking about.
There's no game. There's no cling or desperation. There is a friend vibe with a lot of questions and interest (knowing we already have the same interests/values b/c of the site we met on).
There are timely responses. Request (asked his age, photos) are met. He even shared a zoom link and said - we can meet here sometime.
It feels like textbook secure. Like this is nice, I'm interested. I'm not running off in fantasy land about him. I'm curious. I'm not like OMG, he's hot (he's fine). I think talking to him first without more photos made me not "swipe left" on him.
I don't have the same feeling I do about the other guy. But I have a relieved feeling because it has also been so hard to meet someone with my same values - really hard.
So that's all for now.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 26, 2022 14:10:53 GMT
seeking, it sounds like you are putting too much stock in a profile. It's a good thing that you clicked on someone using words that resonate with you- that's a step in the right direction. But they are just words. An online profile is just a hello- and should only count as hello (we both know, after all the "surprises" that come next even after SO MANY WORDS. Just words! Try curiosity yourself, don't assume a good fit based on words. Treat words as A Hello, then the next step is not "getting to know you over a screen using just words..." it should be to engage lightly and arrange a meeting to have polite conversation and explore after the initial introduction. It's possible to project so much- thinking this person fits... for all you know he's talking about curiosity to explore kinks, or conspiracy theories. Emotional intelligence can be "stop being so sensitive." Truly, words on a screen mean nothing when it comes to online matching, you have to be patient and prudent and explore the individual in person.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 26, 2022 14:16:33 GMT
Recently divorced, after 30 years can spell trouble for you. It takes a while to process and move on from a relationship, and 30 years is a very significant time to be in a dynamic that ultimately didn't work. My advice is to slow down and use critical thinking, not to be negative but to balance your YES with a Maybe, maybe not, I have a lot of discovery to do!" And I'm not taking about being a detective, I'm talking about letting him unfold over time and first of all, face to face.
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Post by seeking on Jan 26, 2022 14:39:19 GMT
seeking , it sounds like you are putting too much stock in a profile. It's a good thing that you clicked on someone using words that resonate with you- that's a step in the right direction. But they are just words. An online profile is just a hello- and should only count as hello (we both know, after all the "surprises" that come next even after SO MANY WORDS. Just words! Try curiosity yourself, don't assume a good fit based on words. Treat words as A Hello, then the next step is not "getting to know you over a screen using just words..." it should be to engage lightly and arrange a meeting to have polite conversation and explore after the initial introduction. It's possible to project so much- thinking this person fits... for all you know he's talking about curiosity to explore kinks, or conspiracy theories. Emotional intelligence can be "stop being so sensitive." Truly, words on a screen mean nothing when it comes to online matching, you have to be patient and prudent and explore the individual in person. Yeah, it was a combination - words, photos, interests (more introverted style), the work he does in the world. I get the "just words" But I also super trust my instincts and have been online dating for YEARS (and years and years) so my radar and detectors are pretty strong and well-tuned. I find people online fickle, And it's fine.
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Post by seeking on Jan 26, 2022 14:41:56 GMT
Recently divorced, after 30 years can spell trouble for you. It takes a while to process and move on from a relationship, and 30 years is a very significant time to be in a dynamic that ultimately didn't work. My advice is to slow down and use critical thinking, not to be negative but to balance your YES with a Maybe, maybe not, I have a lot of discovery to do!" And I'm not taking about being a detective, I'm talking about letting him unfold over time and first of all, face to face. It's on my radar, no doubt. Trust me I'm pretty FA and trying to be secure, so I'm actually trying not to get hung up on it. He was a couple years away from retiring and his wife wanted to "cash in" - he shared that much. So now he's still working. I'm actually not sure how long he's been married for but his youngest is 22 and his oldest, I think, is like 31. I get what you're saying but I think you have me a bit wrong. I'm wayyy waayyyy wayyy too critical thinking. I'm trying to change it up. I thought I was being more "secure" by just kind of going with the flow and exploring this. There is a friend vibe right now. And it feels simple.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 26, 2022 14:55:05 GMT
Fair enough, let us know how it goes!
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Post by cherrycola on Jan 26, 2022 15:59:51 GMT
To me and maybe this isn't coming across right in your posts, you still seem to be dating from a place of scarceness. When you do that it causes you to place to much weight on things too early. I have one friend who was raised secure and he always encourages me to date from a place of abundance. There are so many people out there and you could be surprised with who you are compatible with.
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Post by seeking on Jan 26, 2022 17:22:55 GMT
username - yes, I think you picked up on that.
I know this is going to sound dramatic. But I know what I'm looking for (and I've been VERY open to what I'm not looking for). I have literally been dating online for 20 years. I've seen it all. I have learned not to waste a lot of time. And now I'm much more refined in my search. When someone comes across my connections, I'm pretty good - at 50 - having done this for so long, at recognizing a very rare potential match. I'm super crazy intuitive, have a sixth sense. I'm gonna trust myself on that one, even if people here want to say I could NEVER KNOW. I can. I do. I believe myself. Because I have lots of evidence.
It makes no sense to me why guy #1 didn't write back.
I don't know if it's me coming from a place of scarcity or if it's actual reality. If I've been dating on multiple sites for the past 5 years straight and it's very rare to a) find a guy who can put a sentence together/isn't a player/isn't saying "hey sexy"/doesn't have shirtless shots of himself b) find a guy not like that but then deal with multiple other issues (they ghost/they have like 9 kid/they're clearly insane) c) find the very rare handful of guys I would actually talk to on the phone and then from that very very small percentage -- which is what I'm working with now -- I end up talking to the guy, or he ends up ghosting (a lot of this lately, which is what I'm trying to figure out or just - whatever) or it goes to a conversation, and a possible meeting.
I live in a state that's the top 3 when it comes to lockdowns. So sometimes it's a phone call to zoom to person. I'm not trying to avoid meeting people in person.
So I don't know if you'd still call that scarcity? I guess. And if so, I can work on it. But I don't really see how I can work on my scarcity issues if that's the facts of what's happening.
So of the 2-4 guys I've been interested in over a period of weeks now, 2 have ghosted, and 1 is the guy I mentioned that I'm emailing.
I honestly thought I was doing the right thing - I thought this was what I'm supposed to be doing - overlooking silly niggling things that my FA wants to perseverate on. Finding him a little "boring" or no "exciting" but telling myself, yes, this is what it's supposed to feel like, not focusing on appearance, appreciating his steadiness, and responsiveness, taking his long marriage as a sign of possible secure/stability.. Seeing him as a rare man that can actually HOLD a conversation about intelligent things, respond, and want to meet (really rare - but is that my scarcity?)
And then to come here and find out none of that matters. In fact, his 30-year marriage (ended 3 years ago) is a red flag?
I'm just super confused I think at this point.
I guess I thought it's very normal to have a reaction of disappointment when through all of his, I finally come across a guy that is a lot of what I'm looking for then he ghosts. I also thought I was steering myself very carefully in the right direction by taking it slow as an FA and not deactivating over someone that seems healthy (so far) - and making requests, and observing him meeting them. And, frankly, just observing without deactivating.
I thought that was huge progress? And kind of came here excited to celebrate it a little.
So I don't know. There's no one to date. I filter a lot (not to a fault) so I don't have to waste $50 on a sitter and many hours making plans, getting ready, etc. No one has actually even passed my most basic filters on that one for a year and a half now. Unless I wanted to just go out to go out with a bunch of people who are clear to me (without having to go out with them) that they're not what I'm looking for.
Sorry if I sound upset, I just feel exasperated and like a complete alien
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Post by cherrycola on Jan 26, 2022 17:50:54 GMT
I didn't mean my post to bring you down, I'm sorry. I think everyone here has just seen the same patterns over and over and until you can really dive in and see your own patterns you are going to continue having the same problems.
I get that feeling of finding someone great, and you get excited and then things don't work out and the more you view them as scarce the more you are sad and questioning why it didn't. You are also going to be more likely to overlook problems if you think this person is rare. As I've gone along I've learned to hold my expectations a bit, and treat it more like research. I'm engaging but I'm also observing.
He could have disappeared for a dozen reasons that have nothing to do with you. They range from completely benign to nefarious.
- Something in his personal life came up - Feels you are too great and got scared - Is actually married - Just wanted some validation - etc etc etc
I would think continue to chat with this guy, but when people show me concerning things I do probe into them a bit. Did he learn anything from his marriage ending? What is he looking for now? Is he open to growth and self work? Good communication does not always mean secure attachment but it is a good sign. I look for things like what is their relationship with their mother. Their friends, etc. If I see any contempt directed at their mother then I nope out.
I recently had a phone date with a man who had 3, 6 year relationships, it was a red flag and I had to probe into it more. He regrets how his last one ended, he said his view on relationships has completely changed now. He has read some of my favorite books and is working on himself, so I'm going ahead with eyes open to see if his actions align with his words. He also brought up exes way too soon. Past me would have overlooked it but I am weary of someone who overshares. Are their other boundaries also poor?
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Post by seeking on Jan 26, 2022 18:22:28 GMT
I didn't mean my post to bring you down, I'm sorry. I think everyone here has just seen the same patterns over and over and until you can really dive in and see your own patterns you are going to continue having the same problems. I guess I'm not seeing them as problems? I truly thinking I'm doing all I can. I can't make up guys to come across my matches. When one does it is *genuinely* rare, and reminds me of a universe where you match with people "in your league" kind of thing. And it does seem scarce. Does that make *me* scarce, though? So naturally when those guys DO come along I'd want it to get off the mat a bit. But when it can't even do that, it feels frustrating. I get that a MILLION things could have come up - I get ghosted all the time. I get it. But all I was saying was for it to happen with this guy felt pretty disappointing. A guy like him doesn't come around that often.
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Post by seeking on Jan 26, 2022 18:23:50 GMT
I get that feeling of finding someone great, and you get excited and then things don't work out and the more you view them as scarce the more you are sad and questioning why it didn't. You are also going to be more likely to overlook problems if you think this person is rare. As I've gone along I've learned to hold my expectations a bit, and treat it more like research. I'm engaging but I'm also observing. I think there is a misunderstanding here. I do not overlook problems. I can very easily, however, make up problems where problems don't exist. This is my FA specialty. I used to (about 8 or more years ago now) overlook problems. Then I really got that and stopped and so I way way way more discerning now. I may be too discerning at times, but that's okay with me.
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Post by seeking on Jan 26, 2022 18:27:05 GMT
I would think continue to chat with this guy, but when people show me concerning things I do probe into them a bit. Did he learn anything from his marriage ending? What is he looking for now? Is he open to growth and self work? Good communication does not always mean secure attachment but it is a good sign. I look for things like what is their relationship with their mother. Their friends, etc. If I see any contempt directed at their mother then I nope out. This is what I mean though and why I feel like I'm really not getting it. I didn't see that a long marriage was "concerning" I thought, if anything, it's actually a good thing? He maintained a marriage for THAT LONG? Raised 3 kids? Held down a job? Has interests? Sounds like a normal, healthy person to me. As far as what happened in his marriage, I don't know. I will ask. But we both met on a kind of special interest app - so right now I think we're both just floored that there are other people out there LIKE US. And that's as far as I got. I'm not even sure he's romantic partner material. I'm just celebrating that I haven't gone all FA on him in 24 hours time. I look for all those things too plus like 100 more things. So I'm not sure how I gave the impression I don't. It's been less than 24 hours since he and I started talking. It's nice getting to know someone without pressure, for once. Like with some guys if you don't message them back in like 4 hours, they unmatch.
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Post by seeking on Jan 26, 2022 18:28:44 GMT
I recently had a phone date with a man who had 3, 6 year relationships, it was a red flag and I had to probe into it more. He regrets how his last one ended, he said his view on relationships has completely changed now. He has read some of my favorite books and is working on himself, so I'm going ahead with eyes open to see if his actions align with his words. He also brought up exes way too soon. Past me would have overlooked it but I am weary of someone who overshares. Are their other boundaries also poor? Yep, these are all good things to observe, I would be right where you are at, exactly. In fact, I may have already dropped him, FA-style, and felt relief.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 26, 2022 18:32:34 GMT
It isn't that a long marriage is concerning, it's that processing the loss of a long marriage can take quite a bit of time as someone figured themselves out, grieves, recovers from feelings of resentment or disappointment, finds a new normal, and creates a vision for the rest of their life. It's not a red flag but it's not a green flag, it's a yellow flag, which means proceed, but slow down and use caution. Discovery does take quite a bit of time, and I was simply cautioning after the AP type rush you have described (very recently) in terms of putting someone on a pedestal.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 26, 2022 18:34:35 GMT
However, I don't think my feedback is helpful to you, the sense I'm getting is that you feel deflated by it. I am sorry that we aren't understanding each other, and I'd be happy to give you space around this process while you explore your own feelings and thoughts.
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