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Post by seeking on Mar 1, 2022 14:35:45 GMT
Having been insecure and secure, I'm still very sensitive to shifts. But in regards to matching energy, I now always come from an assumption of, "whatever is going on with them probably isn't about me" and then go about my business without worrying too much about it. As opposed to what I used to do, which was assuming everything someone did was in response to something about me, then lean back to observe and try to match very deliberately. Even if matching wasn't what I wanted to do at all if I were being true to myself... but the idea of not scaring them off was more important than anything else. That wasn't how I read what seeking was doing here, it was more about re-regulating herself first rather than taking actions specifically to influence the other person to achieve a goal. Yes, this is exactly that I did - I stepped back, felt my feelings, noticed that some of them were pretty disproportionate, worked a bit to reframe that this likely had nothing to do with me, didn't chase him, didn't act out or punish (protest behavior), I just rode with it so I could also see his pace - what he was doing. And really, other than the part I mentioned above (that has been activated for a while now anyway - not just from him), I rode it out okay and it felt different. Even a friend of mine who I told briefly said "two years ago you would have stopped talking to this person." Which was great for me to hear - I ruled out everyone regularly.
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Post by seeking on Mar 9, 2022 20:02:48 GMT
I feel stuck.
This guy and I are still talking consistently. We had another 2 hour phone conversation yesterday. We email regularly. But it's all about world events - and a little about personal stuff but more like "likes dislikes interests" not like personal relationships, family, etc. If I bring up my mom he doesn't say much. If I bring up my ex, he doesn't say much. But we are avidly talking about life during a pandemic, people I meet, etc.
I love his voice. I enjoy him. But I become attached. In fact, last night, I think I even had a dream about him.
Normally (meaning when I was less conscious about this stuff), I would let things proceed and be unclear, etc. His plan is to drive up here when things get warmer and do a "day trip" (it's a 3 hour drive each way). He said he already mapped out my town etc. But I get the feeling he'd be coming because he likes adventures?
yesterday, we did talk more about life - he is retiring soon and he has this thing where he spent a lot of time in discussion with others and look at what retirement right look like - he would have traveled, however due to the pandemic, that's not happening. And so he talked about inner peace.
I could not relate to that. I'm only 7 years younger, but I have SO many things I would do - learn another language, write a book, start a garden, learn how to can or preserve food, etc. etc. He's a very interesting guy - active (wakes up early, swims, does poetry, still works, etc) but I guess it wasn't what I imagined? Like he wasn't like "Oh, find a partner, and ______________"
So I just wonder what he is doing. It's giving me a lot of anxiety to not know. And yet outright asking feels weird. We're clearly "friends" right now - we keep in touch, we enjoy each other. But there is no talk of anything else. And that doesn't mean that's not on the table. Just my anxious parts are like Hello? What is your intention?
He said when he came up here we can "walk and talk" - and I imagine that is what we'd do. I imagine it would be a long "courtship" of just hanging out and getting to know one other.
And that seems nice - compared to the chaos and intensity of other situations. And it's not like I have to stop dating for this.
But I would love some feedback right now.
Thank you.
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Post by cherrycola on Mar 9, 2022 23:53:28 GMT
But I get the feeling he'd be coming because he likes adventures? I wouldn't automatically assume that. Maybe seeing you is part of the adventure for him? So I just wonder what he is doing. It's giving me a lot of anxiety to not know. And yet outright asking feels weird. We're clearly "friends" right now - we keep in touch, we enjoy each other. But there is no talk of anything else. And that doesn't mean that's not on the table. Just my anxious parts are like Hello? What is your intention? This is a hard one, I can completely relate to that anxiety. Are you feeling this because feeling attached is starting to make you feel vulnerable and you don't want to get attached romantically to someone who may not feel the same back? Sometimes when I really want to ask someone something like this, but I feel maybe it is the wrong time or should really be done in person then I set a "goal" for myself in my head. At X time I will ask for clarity, and I kinda figure out what I want to ask. It helps me establish a sense of control. So you could tell yourself when I see him I will ask him about this, and then you know in your head it is going to be resolved on that date, one way or another. It may also help to remind yourself no matter what happens, you have your own back, you are awesome and you have gained a new friend from this. The other option is to be open and let him know "I have really enjoyed getting to know you, and am starting to develop feelings for you, are you open to a long distance relationship?"
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Post by seeking on Mar 10, 2022 0:08:46 GMT
Are you feeling this because feeling attached is starting to make you feel vulnerable and you don't want to get attached romantically to someone who may not feel the same back? Yep. It feels like an expenditure of energy for me, and if he already knows he's not looking for anything (duh, though, why would he be on a dating site - although a sort of underground not-straight-forward one) ... I'm noticing that I'm starting to share more "intimate" emails with him. Rather than the safe "hey did you see that new headline in politics" - it's about God, or life in a way that is more intimately related to ourselves. And this is the first time he responded in language that felt more intimate. he may be pretty neurodivergent - so that's my only "clause" on this - like that may explain some of this. And I'm okay with that. But what he wrote tonight - because I told him I appreciated something about our conversation yesterday and would love if he kept me posted on updates since I didn't want to look for the information directly myself as it's all just too overwhelming and he said "I can be your filter," and just the way he said it - ah, my heart. And then he said how I was something to him (about the stuff I post) - it was a sweet moment. But I am also trying to interpret it with a little "sweetness" versus how I would with a friend - like I helped my friend yesterday who messaged me at 7 in the morning b/c her kid was really sick. I did that on instinct. And she would do that for me. But that's different. ? But I guess I don't want to expend energy going "aw, that makes me feel closer to him" or "gives me hope" -- and I don't know how to do that - because my heart feels open, and when my heart feels open, it wants to know if it has somewhere to direct the love and if it's mutual or if it's not going to go anywhere (well, my head wants to know)
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Post by seeking on Mar 10, 2022 0:09:25 GMT
The other option is to be open and let him know "I have really enjoyed getting to know you, and am starting to develop feelings for you, are you open to a long distance relationship?" OMG, I'm such a baby. this feels terrifying, lol
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Post by alexandra on Mar 10, 2022 0:29:07 GMT
My partner and I started similarly. We couldn't meet for a while, kept talking until we could. As a result, we really kept things more friendly than anything else, even when we were having virtual "dates," because there was just no way to answer questions about does this work, is there attraction in person, where is this going, until after meeting and trying to date for a little while. It's an exercise in patience, but I don't think there's anything to read into with his approach either way right now. You can ask him generally what he's looking for to make sure a relationship isn't off the table, but I wouldn't expect him to otherwise be sure about anything yet with this set of circumstances.
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Post by seeking on Mar 10, 2022 0:38:30 GMT
That's interesting, Alexandra. And now you have a solid relationship.
I guess, for me, there's something agonizing about a) not knowing if a relationship is off the table, b) not wanting to ask, and c) his coming up here still being a ways away, and not altogether an easy thing (I have my kiddo and while she can go to her dad's, she doesn't sleep at her dad's) - ugh. So I don't know. It feels anxiety provoking, rather than exciting and I know my heart is going to be involved - it also feels like pressure.
I think I should at least first suggest a zoom meeting? He had at first, and I was more like "let's talk" but it would be nice to see him - kind of making the experience less like sudden if he's not at all in person someone I'm interested in. I think that will at least give me a little head's up.
I guess, now what I'm realizing is that I really don't mind the communication or the distance - if we met and say kissed and there was interest, I'd be all about it. But not knowing where this is going/stands is hard to navigate. And I honestly D R E A D first dates! And first kisses. They are miserable to me. So activating! It also feels weird to go from a friend vibe to something more. I don't have a ton of experience with that. But I'm sure it's pretty normal.
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Post by seeking on Mar 10, 2022 1:02:59 GMT
I think there's just a feeling of me getting attached and fearing rejection is what it comes down to.
I have a good friend who I used to talk to more on the phone but not in a while but we email regularly. He and I were "together" a few times here and there back when I lived in the same state as him. But he's an intellectual equal and there is definitely a fondness and affection for him that I've always had. But I know we'll never be together or may not even ever see each other again -- but I think with this guy it's all up in the air, and my brain doesn't like not knowing.
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Post by anne12 on Mar 10, 2022 3:51:05 GMT
Check out Arthur Arons 36 questions. You can ask your date some of theese questions to find out about eachothers values. You can choose to only ask some of the questions. This Will help your partner to feel heard and seen amorebeautifulquestion.com/36-questions/ Also remember that you are allowed to interrupt him if he talks too much. A lot of women would think that it’s rude but not a (masculine leaning) man. jebkinnisonforum.com/post/45660/ - well maybe not if he is neurodivergent as they sometimes like to talk a lot about their special interests without being aware of the other person, who wants to move on to another topic. And a zoom date if you haven’t already. There are tips in the dating thread about what you can do on a zoom date e.g. play a game - backgammon, chess, choosing a recipy and making food together, watching a movie together, playing your favorite music (and dance) ect. You can go for a walk together using a go pro I think both Esther Perel and Mathew Hussey came up with some suggestions under the pandemic. (Maybe alexandra can remember) youtu.be/VIfxOSVsC18 - Mathew Hussey, pandemic dating tips How to get out of a Waiting position - jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/2890
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Post by alexandra on Mar 10, 2022 3:54:21 GMT
Set a Zoom date! It's more helpful and the next escalation from a phone conversation.
I continued dating others, in person who lived closer, until we met (even though he didn't). Not more than one or two dates, and at that time I wasn't kissing anyone because of the pandemic. Just slowly getting to know people. And not clicking with them in person, even though they lived nearby! But it helped me pace things and not over-invest with someone I hadn't actually met yet, while also allowing me to appreciate the connection we were building being better than the others, even without knowing for sure if there would be physical chemistry. We discussed that -- how much of a bummer it would be to meet and have zero attraction -- but it wasn't a problem and translated to a relationship in real life!
I'm also assuming this guy sees you as potentially more than a friend because you haven't met but he is putting in effort to speak regularly.
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Post by alexandra on Mar 10, 2022 6:01:42 GMT
And a zoom date if you haven’t already. There are tips in the dating thread about what you can do on a zoom date e.g. play a game - backgammon, chess, choosing a recipy and making food together, watching a movie together, playing your favorite music (and dance) ect. You can go for a walk together using a go pro I think both Esther Perel and Mathew Hussey came up with some suggestions under the pandemic. (Maybe alexandra can remember) We did watching movies together, taking free "virtual tours" of art collections and archeological sights, early in the pandemic there were streams of concerts and operas to watch, I've played online games or had a "happy hour" drink from home to socialize with friends... after my partner and I started dating for real, sometimes if we needed to be apart but wanted to have a date, we'd get the same ingredients to cook the same meal and eat it together over video. For our first video date we just talked, though, without activities. But that worked because it wasn't awkward since we turned out to be compatible people. www.travelandleisure.com/attractions/museums-galleries/museums-with-virtual-tours
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Post by seeking on Mar 10, 2022 15:17:54 GMT
I'm also assuming this guy sees you as potentially more than a friend because you haven't met but he is putting in effort to speak regularly. Yes, I'll ask him to do zoom next. And as far as what you said here, not necessarily - he seems to have a LOT of friends and is really a people person. He is always referring to this friend or that friend. And even some woman who he said "we get along" (whatever that means) (lots of his friends are women though) -- and maybe it's really just 5 people but sounds like a lot. He's in a lot of groups online too and church. He sets up calls (zoom) with an online friend overseas (and he did a picnic with her) -- so that's just him, I think. But his driving 6 hours round trip in one day seems more like potentially more than a friend? I don't know - because he said since he couldn't travel much, he was going to be doing "day trips" and so maybe I'm a day trip. He is a super curious guy so he likes new things and new places.
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Post by alexandra on Mar 10, 2022 18:48:45 GMT
Did he meet those friends on dating sites or were they people he knows in person? I have lots of friends too, but in context, I wouldn't consider a random person I met online who I was putting lots of effort into talking to as I waited to meet a "friend." Personally, if there was no romantic potential but I liked them as people, I'd clarify it was a friendship if we met over online dating, because otherwise it's assumed to be more since we were both looking and I didn't want to lead anyone on. It would help you if you felt comfortable asking about that, but since you're not right now, I still think most men don't want to put in that effort with a woman they don't actually know if they're not interested UNLESS they have major commitment issues and are only looking for pen pals.
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Post by seeking on Mar 11, 2022 1:35:36 GMT
Did he meet those friends on dating sites or were they people he knows in person? I have lots of friends too, but in context, I wouldn't consider a random person I met online who I was putting lots of effort into talking to as I waited to meet a "friend." Personally, if there was no romantic potential but I liked them as people, I'd clarify it was a friendship if we met over online dating, because otherwise it's assumed to be more since we were both looking and I didn't want to lead anyone on. It would help you if you felt comfortable asking about that, but since you're not right now, I still think most men don't want to put in that effort with a woman they don't actually know if they're not interested UNLESS they have major commitment issues and are only looking for pen pals. Thanks, Alexandra - I don't know - he's an odd one (in a good way) but he talks about all these "friends" - but, yeah, I don't get the impression he's driving 6 hours to meet them. I guess it's just odd because there is really no flirting - unless my own neurodivergence is missing it, haha. I will up things a bit by setting up a zoom for our next chat - he keeps saying he's looking forward to our next chat, and had an idea last night where we can talk about books, music, movies (instead of the usual politics, etc) - but whatever we talk about, I think at this point it would be good to see him and hopefully give me some more info! Today I barely thought about it because I'm so crazy busy. But I guess it's on the days I talk to him, that I'm caught up in wanting to know where this is going. So I can be patient. I'm not actually dating otherwise b/c I'm really done with the online thing (at least for now and maybe a good long while)
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Post by cherrycola on Mar 21, 2022 1:15:59 GMT
How are things going?
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