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Post by Deleted on Jan 25, 2022 21:48:54 GMT
One of my favorite sources for attachment info believes there are two different types of disorganized attachers. http://instagr.am/p/CR0RVm0LFwV I like her content because it is research based and really compassionate to both sides. It is clear from this that I am an anxious disorganized moving to secure and my ex was avoidant disoganized not moving anywhere. It really helps me put more of our relationship into context. I'll have to check this out. Makes sense to me!
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Post by tnr9 on Jan 25, 2022 22:01:39 GMT
Sooo…I will admit…the whole “moving to secure” baffles me. Tests are easy to pass when not triggered and most people can test secure when they are not challenged by an intimate partner who is insecure. How do you determine your journey towards secure? Also….people can lean AP or DA as an FA based on their partner of choice. Case in point….the guy I dated always chose women who liked him first and were AP leaning FAs or APs….whereas I have always chosen DA leaning FAs or Narcs. I don't use tests although I did one when I came here- I was highest percentage secure with 30 ish? % DA with a little slice of disorganized and a little slice of Anxious. But I am certain I am moving toward secure based on my relationship experiences, noticeable changes internally and in interactions, and the increasing health in our intimate relationship. Real advancement on both sides in responding vs reacting, awareness coupled with building new skills and new coping, improving conflict resolution, increased understanding and empathy, and a change in narrative. I don't know what a test would say but changes noted by myself, my partner, and all my friends and associates support a claim of moving toward secure. I get your situation @introvert….it is the cases where members are single and not seeing anyone that I am curious about. I know I have made improvements….but I will not say I am moving towards secure unless I put that into practice with a dating relationship. I just am curious how others who are single are making that assessment.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 25, 2022 22:32:53 GMT
I don't use tests although I did one when I came here- I was highest percentage secure with 30 ish? % DA with a little slice of disorganized and a little slice of Anxious. But I am certain I am moving toward secure based on my relationship experiences, noticeable changes internally and in interactions, and the increasing health in our intimate relationship. Real advancement on both sides in responding vs reacting, awareness coupled with building new skills and new coping, improving conflict resolution, increased understanding and empathy, and a change in narrative. I don't know what a test would say but changes noted by myself, my partner, and all my friends and associates support a claim of moving toward secure. I get your situation @introvert ….it is the cases where members are single and not seeing anyone that I am curious about. I know I have made improvements….but I will not say I am moving towards secure unless I put that into practice with a dating relationship. I just am curious how others who are single are making that assessment. I do agree with that- I think it takes a lot of time in practice to establish where you're at on the spectrum. I haven't always focused on attachment theory in my self growth but when I first became acquainted in it I thought I was pretty secure. Ha! I had made a lot (!) of progress when I started dating my boyfriend but anyone who has seen my journey here can see I've had a ways to travel and I'm still traveling! Two years in though and I feel like a very different person, and it's been in actual practice and progression of a long term relationship. Without that I would be way behind where I am now, the relationship itself provided the opportunities for awareness (of dysfunctional patterns) and then subsequent growth out of them.
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Post by cherrycola on Jan 25, 2022 23:20:07 GMT
Sooo…I will admit…the whole “moving to secure” baffles me. Tests are easy to pass when not triggered and most people can test secure when they are not challenged by an intimate partner who is insecure. How do you determine your journey towards secure? Also….people can lean AP or DA as an FA based on their partner of choice. Case in point….the guy I dated always chose women who liked him first and were AP leaning FAs or APs….whereas I have always chosen DA leaning FAs or Narcs. I 100% agree that I've also seen people who feel they are secure because they are not currently in a relationship and are perfectly regulated. Definitely a trap one can fall into if they haven't progressed enough in their work. I think AP are prone to this because of the belief that it is our partner that needs to change. Like @introvert it is primarily my change in behaviors, along with what my counselor says. I now choose to speak up assertively instead of passive aggressively. I try to ask questions if a behavior is confusing instead of guessing or mind reading. For the most part I no longer try to people please. My emotional regulation has increased greatly, so has a sense of different feelings and what I may need from people. I am definitely not secure but even my friendships have improved. When I sense resistance in myself to something I examine it and try to get to what the message underneath it is instead of just running away or not speaking up. I am learning how to say no and not over explain myself. For example my ex-husband came over to discuss taking his things after leaving them here for 2 years. When I asserted a clear due date because he was dragging his feet he got mad and stormed out. Even pushing me away when I tried to hug him goodbye. Past me would have never set a boundary, and on doing so would have backtracked completely after him getting upset. I was able to acknowledge the sting, recognized it had nothing to do with me and later was able to discuss it with him very calmly.
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Post by alexandra on Jan 26, 2022 1:47:42 GMT
A big thing for me in regards to progress was I stopped getting triggered anxious (by fear of abandonment). This was not something exclusively limited to romantic partners. It would happen the most in dating situations, but it could happen with friends or jobs or any overwhelming situation, though it took me forever to recognize what was going on. It didn't happen THAT often, but enough that I was familiar with it and confused by it since I otherwise felt regulated in most situations. I knew I was AP and never thought I was secure, but I still didn't make all the connections about why I'd be super logical and sensical... until these rare times that I wasn't lol. Once I was actually secure, those "episodes" stopped happening. While on the way to secure and still AP but showing improvement, I could recognize what was going on and self-soothe better or kind of accept that I'd need a few hours for the worst to pass without beating myself up about it.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 26, 2022 2:14:55 GMT
A big thing for me in regards to progress was I stopped getting triggered anxious (by fear of abandonment). This was not something exclusively limited to romantic partners. It would happen the most in dating situations, but it could happen with friends or jobs or any overwhelming situation, though it took me forever to recognize what was going on. It didn't happen THAT often, but enough that I was familiar with it and confused by it since I otherwise felt regulated in most situations. I knew I was AP and never thought I was secure, but I still didn't make all the connections about why I'd be super logical and sensical... until these rare times that I wasn't lol. Once I was actually secure, those "episodes" stopped happening. While on the way to secure and still AP but showing improvement, I could recognize what was going on and self-soothe better or kind of accept that I'd need a few hours for the worst to pass without beating myself up about it. Right- I get this. I still slip into deactivation sometimes but I am aware and reach out anyway, connect, it doesn't interrupt things and then it resolved. Of course for me it's opposite, turning from auto-regulation (self soothing) toward connection and intentional expression of where I'm at, ask for support, etc. Which I believe can be as difficult for an avoidant as self soothing is for anxious! But it's now the natural thing to do. My boyfriend does understand avoidance, I explained what I'm trying to work through early on in the relationship. I don't tell him every time it happens because it isn't necessary, and I don't need him to "do" anything about it- it's on me. But we have our signals... and when I just need to snuggle and be quiet and receive his presence he knows what's going on. It actually resolved very easily.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 26, 2022 2:15:30 GMT
Also, I reach out here and with my friend which is definitely the right direction!
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Post by tnr9 on Jan 26, 2022 3:45:49 GMT
A big thing for me in regards to progress was I stopped getting triggered anxious (by fear of abandonment). This was not something exclusively limited to romantic partners. It would happen the most in dating situations, but it could happen with friends or jobs or any overwhelming situation, though it took me forever to recognize what was going on. It didn't happen THAT often, but enough that I was familiar with it and confused by it since I otherwise felt regulated in most situations. I knew I was AP and never thought I was secure, but I still didn't make all the connections about why I'd be super logical and sensical... until these rare times that I wasn't lol. Once I was actually secure, those "episodes" stopped happening. While on the way to secure and still AP but showing improvement, I could recognize what was going on and self-soothe better or kind of accept that I'd need a few hours for the worst to pass without beating myself up about it. Although I see improvements along those lines…I have chosen to continue to state that I am an AP leaning FA. I see absolutely nothing wrong with having that particular attachment…it isn’t all of who I am….but having been told by my psychiatrist dad that I was “this close to normal” as a kid…I don’t really feel an urge or desire to call myself “earning secure”. Not until I have tackled the biggest of all my triggering relationships. And I still have FA moments…so I am still working on my toolbox.
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Post by tnr9 on Jan 26, 2022 4:06:36 GMT
Soooo…it seems this topic is triggering to me….not 100% sure why….but I had a pretty visceral reaction…..anger/sadness that I think it tied to some old need in me to defend my parents perspectives that there was (is) something “wrong” with me. I didn’t quite get why people saying they were on their way to secure bothered me so much…but I think it has opened wide another opportunity to address some old wounds regarding how my parents viewed and spoke of me. I realize now that my questioning was just a distraction from the real issue that resides within me….so I will use this new information to discuss this with my therapist.
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Post by seeking on Jan 26, 2022 15:13:36 GMT
Its an interesting question about earning secure - and esp when single.
That is the case for me. I've been single for a long time now.
I would say I'm earning secure, but in baby steps. I am AP leaning FA (learning that here).
I see it in my relationships with friends - my daughter - clients - all over the place.
A client can stop our relationship and I would reflexively wonder what I did wrong. Now I just roll with it and take their word for it. I used to not be able to tolerate lengthy emotional conversations with my daughter. Now I stay present as much as I can and witness (versus try to fix) (thanks to her feedback). There's a lot more "rolling with things" than reactions. And even when I have reactions, I don't indulge them. I have way stronger boundaries. A way stronger sense of myself (which I think is huge for AP). I don't people please (also huge). I can judge less ("FA less")
But yeah, being in an intimate partnership would be the real test - I still think I have a LONG way to go there...
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Post by cherrycola on Jan 26, 2022 21:06:15 GMT
Soooo…it seems this topic is triggering to me….not 100% sure why….but I had a pretty visceral reaction…..anger/sadness that I think it tied to some old need in me to defend my parents perspectives that there was (is) something “wrong” with me. I didn’t quite get why people saying they were on their way to secure bothered me so much…but I think it has opened wide another opportunity to address some old wounds regarding how my parents viewed and spoke of me. I realize now that my questioning was just a distraction from the real issue that resides within me….so I will use this new information to discuss this with my therapist. I am glad you have someone to discuss that with. I am very negative towards my progress, so my counsellor keeps encouraging me to see all the things I do differently now. I am not my diagnosis. So I try to frame things as I am healing, I am on a path? I am definitely not secure and have a lot of work left to go. I can get by back up a bit when people said they are "earned secure" when their actions do not reflect security, but I haven't been able to pin down the underlying wounding.
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