Post by seeking on Feb 7, 2022 1:41:45 GMT
I don't think I understand my daughter's father. Or even what happened. Though I once thought I did.
It's a weird situation now, and I'm just reaching out here for some support.
He and I had our daughter - she's 12.5. We were awful together. I was so fiercely AP with him, like nothing I've ever experienced. Part of me came alive at the thought of finally settling down. Having a partner, and being a mom and a "normal life" (before that I was mostly a gypsy). But he wouldn't commit. He was extreme avoidant. It was torture.
We split when she was 2. Then he came back. I took him back because I thought it was the right thing to do - being we had a kid. It didn't last. And we split again when she was four for the next three years, I thrived. I felt good without him - I was meeting men, felt I could still have another child, which I desperately wanted, had support from my family and was making it work. But it's like he kept doing things that would destabilize us - stop paying child support, be asleep while our young daughter was at his house - like the whole weekend - make comments to me, threaten to take her, then change his visitation on a dime and leave me having to change my work schedule, etc.
My friends observed that "every time you get back on your feet," he is there taking you down.
It was surreal. I ended up in 2015 with PTSD seemingly out of nowhere. I got very very sick and had to spend nearly 2 years recovering. It was the most harrowing time of my life. I thought I was going to lose my mind or die.
Finally, I decided on a fresh start, and my daughter and I moved to another town, she started a school, and I felt really good.
A couple months in, he tried to get me back, again. It made my body sick. But I went with it, again. I wanted our life - as a family. And so I gave it my all. But he was back to his usual ways - hiding stuff from me, not texting, lying. Once he said he was going to Walmart and didn't come back!
Such weirdness. I was done. I was giving up on my dream of having another baby, and he said he didn't want one. I remember that conversation and crying.
At the holidays we went out to dinner and I remember he was so cheap with money, I had to act super grateful. We all said what we wanted for the new year and he said "M" - and I was like, what does that mean? Later, he tried to tell me "marriage." ?
I also remember the conversation where I told him he needed to do something. That we had to break the cycle in both our families. He looked like he was asleep.
And after that our daughter was hospitalized, twice. It was eye opening (she has a lot of special needs) and he ignored all of it and told me to stop being neurotic. In fact, the night I took her to the ER and she was admitted, he was yelling at me to relax, that she had a cold (she nearly died. She had double pneumonia). After, we went to an evaluation - together - and it her autism was confirmed. He was there. He later denied it.
Then one day, he wrote me an email (we were together but not living together) and it said, "We're toxic together."
A couple months later, he was introducing our daughter to a new woman. Turns out the new woman was pregnant. She was a widow (whose mother left when she was young) and had two little kids.
My daughter, nearly 8 at the time, lost her mind. And the next 2 years involved constant outbursts. My life turned upside down. He ignored us and tried to keep us quiet. I accepted the woman, the new baby - all for the sake of our daughter. But it was a horror show.
Then my daughter got diagnosed with mold illness, and I had to leave our home and all of our belongings. Right before I did, my ex filed in court to reduce his child support. This was right as I was trying to move into a new home, had to lose everything we owned, and start over.
He tried to tell the court I had Maunchaussen by proxy. His girlfriend, who I was nothing but nice to, called child protective services on me and the person who came to our house saw right through it. By that point, I was in DV counseling because my ex was bullying me and emotionally abusive (obviously). DV said this was vexatious litigation. I couldn't understand it. He tried to tell the court he was destitute, and lied and said he had cancer (meanwhile he was living off his girlfriend) ... I won't go into all that. It was the most nightmarish thing of my life and my daughter experienced now more secondary trauma.
All of that ended just over a year ago. I'm still paying my legal expenses, and he filed for bankruptcy (and got his wonderful reduction) (but didn't win anything around more custody, etc).
My daughter stopped wanting to sleep over their house. She was having panic attacks. He was threatening me, but I would go back and get her. she hasn't slept there in over a year.
He sees her on occasion. He always gives me a hard time about not seeing her. But I hold out so that he spends actual time with her (ie. comes here to see her) otherwise, she just goes there and it's chaos at the house with 3 kids, 2 dogs, a cat, 2 adults, and she can't take it for more than a few hours - and he'll nap while she plays with the kids.
Anyway, a few weeks ago - as my daughter is enduring this pandemic, and all of us are just trying to survive - she's having increased OCD and severe separation anxiety to the point where I can't even leave our house to take our dog for a walk (in front of our house) - - I am homeschooling her, single (obviously) working, trying to create a business to support us, working with her therapeutically - and he tells me his GF is pregnant. Again. Like intentionally.
I guess at this point. I don't get what this is. I'd like to know what this is. How this is. Like do you know what I mean? It's like I live in the twilight zone.
So anyway, he came by today to help our daughter with something, chatted with her for a couple hours (which is super weird to me since he's not a chatty person?) and they decided to not eat at the restaurant they went to and brought the food back here. I knew he was going to tell her tonight. So I'm upstairs. And I hear her happily chatting with her dad - and then the energy shift big time.
He's about to leave soon. So now I have more on my hands.
I don't even know what I'm supposed to be doing. I've always wanted to protect her from him and like run away. But I'm doing the best I can, supporting her through it.
Even at one point, I thought his GF was pregnant a few months back and I said something to her and she was like "What!? No! They can't even handle the kids they do have!" And if that were the case, she said, "I'd never talk to him again."
So we'll see.
Just wow.
It's a weird situation now, and I'm just reaching out here for some support.
He and I had our daughter - she's 12.5. We were awful together. I was so fiercely AP with him, like nothing I've ever experienced. Part of me came alive at the thought of finally settling down. Having a partner, and being a mom and a "normal life" (before that I was mostly a gypsy). But he wouldn't commit. He was extreme avoidant. It was torture.
We split when she was 2. Then he came back. I took him back because I thought it was the right thing to do - being we had a kid. It didn't last. And we split again when she was four for the next three years, I thrived. I felt good without him - I was meeting men, felt I could still have another child, which I desperately wanted, had support from my family and was making it work. But it's like he kept doing things that would destabilize us - stop paying child support, be asleep while our young daughter was at his house - like the whole weekend - make comments to me, threaten to take her, then change his visitation on a dime and leave me having to change my work schedule, etc.
My friends observed that "every time you get back on your feet," he is there taking you down.
It was surreal. I ended up in 2015 with PTSD seemingly out of nowhere. I got very very sick and had to spend nearly 2 years recovering. It was the most harrowing time of my life. I thought I was going to lose my mind or die.
Finally, I decided on a fresh start, and my daughter and I moved to another town, she started a school, and I felt really good.
A couple months in, he tried to get me back, again. It made my body sick. But I went with it, again. I wanted our life - as a family. And so I gave it my all. But he was back to his usual ways - hiding stuff from me, not texting, lying. Once he said he was going to Walmart and didn't come back!
Such weirdness. I was done. I was giving up on my dream of having another baby, and he said he didn't want one. I remember that conversation and crying.
At the holidays we went out to dinner and I remember he was so cheap with money, I had to act super grateful. We all said what we wanted for the new year and he said "M" - and I was like, what does that mean? Later, he tried to tell me "marriage." ?
I also remember the conversation where I told him he needed to do something. That we had to break the cycle in both our families. He looked like he was asleep.
And after that our daughter was hospitalized, twice. It was eye opening (she has a lot of special needs) and he ignored all of it and told me to stop being neurotic. In fact, the night I took her to the ER and she was admitted, he was yelling at me to relax, that she had a cold (she nearly died. She had double pneumonia). After, we went to an evaluation - together - and it her autism was confirmed. He was there. He later denied it.
Then one day, he wrote me an email (we were together but not living together) and it said, "We're toxic together."
A couple months later, he was introducing our daughter to a new woman. Turns out the new woman was pregnant. She was a widow (whose mother left when she was young) and had two little kids.
My daughter, nearly 8 at the time, lost her mind. And the next 2 years involved constant outbursts. My life turned upside down. He ignored us and tried to keep us quiet. I accepted the woman, the new baby - all for the sake of our daughter. But it was a horror show.
Then my daughter got diagnosed with mold illness, and I had to leave our home and all of our belongings. Right before I did, my ex filed in court to reduce his child support. This was right as I was trying to move into a new home, had to lose everything we owned, and start over.
He tried to tell the court I had Maunchaussen by proxy. His girlfriend, who I was nothing but nice to, called child protective services on me and the person who came to our house saw right through it. By that point, I was in DV counseling because my ex was bullying me and emotionally abusive (obviously). DV said this was vexatious litigation. I couldn't understand it. He tried to tell the court he was destitute, and lied and said he had cancer (meanwhile he was living off his girlfriend) ... I won't go into all that. It was the most nightmarish thing of my life and my daughter experienced now more secondary trauma.
All of that ended just over a year ago. I'm still paying my legal expenses, and he filed for bankruptcy (and got his wonderful reduction) (but didn't win anything around more custody, etc).
My daughter stopped wanting to sleep over their house. She was having panic attacks. He was threatening me, but I would go back and get her. she hasn't slept there in over a year.
He sees her on occasion. He always gives me a hard time about not seeing her. But I hold out so that he spends actual time with her (ie. comes here to see her) otherwise, she just goes there and it's chaos at the house with 3 kids, 2 dogs, a cat, 2 adults, and she can't take it for more than a few hours - and he'll nap while she plays with the kids.
Anyway, a few weeks ago - as my daughter is enduring this pandemic, and all of us are just trying to survive - she's having increased OCD and severe separation anxiety to the point where I can't even leave our house to take our dog for a walk (in front of our house) - - I am homeschooling her, single (obviously) working, trying to create a business to support us, working with her therapeutically - and he tells me his GF is pregnant. Again. Like intentionally.
I guess at this point. I don't get what this is. I'd like to know what this is. How this is. Like do you know what I mean? It's like I live in the twilight zone.
So anyway, he came by today to help our daughter with something, chatted with her for a couple hours (which is super weird to me since he's not a chatty person?) and they decided to not eat at the restaurant they went to and brought the food back here. I knew he was going to tell her tonight. So I'm upstairs. And I hear her happily chatting with her dad - and then the energy shift big time.
He's about to leave soon. So now I have more on my hands.
I don't even know what I'm supposed to be doing. I've always wanted to protect her from him and like run away. But I'm doing the best I can, supporting her through it.
Even at one point, I thought his GF was pregnant a few months back and I said something to her and she was like "What!? No! They can't even handle the kids they do have!" And if that were the case, she said, "I'd never talk to him again."
So we'll see.
Just wow.
