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Post by cherrycola on May 20, 2024 4:49:35 GMT
The numbness is starting to subside, and I miss him, then I feel ashamed for missing him. It's insane, I've known him for three months, it's a blink of an eye. So doing this in lieu of texting him. Because this isn't a romcom and the only thing a text will achieve is prolonging the hurt. And while I understand his motivations, maybe better then he does, that just makes it worse? I go back and forth on how could he do that to me, and then empathy for what the experience was / is like for him. Is he sad and alone? How is he dealing with this? I think it's easier for me to believe he is a good person. Then I find myself angry at him. Angry that he blew things up in such a spectacular way that I can't see how we salvage a friendship. Angry that the only option left is for me to have to set and uphold boundaries, which I hate him for making me do. Angry that he had the nerve to imply I was sooooo special that he still wanted to be my friend. Part of me, really wanted to slide back into dysfunction with him. I am fairly sure had I not walked away, he would not have ended things himself. And with all that said, I STILL want to forgive him and be friends. I know I sound crazy, he doesn't deserve my friendship. He used to say it was creepy the degree in which I understood him. I could share my own experience, something crazy that I hadn't shared with anyone or didn't think is even understandable, and it would be his exact thoughts/experience. They say that is common with avoidants, that soulmates feeling, but I have never felt that before him. I also just miss talking to him, for hours, about anything. Philosophy, science, politics. I've tried to engage my friends in those discussions, and got no where. I also miss feeling safe in his arms. I remember tnr9 posts about B and feeling safe. I have done the hugging, the tapping, the inner child and I can't come close to how safe I felt with him. One time with him, I felt so safe and warm my entire body relaxed and I started to sob. He didn't miss a beat and just comforted me. Just like how he comforted me that last day, while his actions were hurting me. If that isn't irony of how I feel about my mother, then I don't know what is. I'm also working thru old shame, that I did similar things to my ex, even said eerily similar things to him. "I'm not attracted to you and I am not sure I ever was". It took me a year before I split back on him and realized how cruel I had been and just how handsome he is, and then he ended up suffering from an ED after. So it's this double whammy of re-visiting really old wounds. And how can I not forgive someone when our experiences overlap in the way they do. But I do realize forgiveness is for me, as much as it is for him, and friendship need not be inclusive. |
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Post by sunrisequest on May 20, 2024 20:17:53 GMT
This is a lovely post Cherrycola, with all the feels and all the emotions going on, and they all make perfect sense, and you have incredible awareness.
Forgiveness for you and for him is a great place to land. And of course you're going back and forth after experiencing that level of closeness and connection, but then knowing it can't be sustained in a healthy way into the future. It's a lot, and you did the right thing.
Just wanted to acknowledge it all, and say I get it. x
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Post by alexandra on May 20, 2024 20:40:34 GMT
He used to say it was creepy the degree in which I understood him. I could share my own experience, something crazy that I hadn't shared with anyone or didn't think is even understandable, and it would be his exact thoughts/experience. They say that is common with avoidants, that soulmates feeling, but I have never felt that before him. I also miss feeling safe in his arms. I remember tnr9 posts about B and feeling safe. I have done the hugging, the tapping, the inner child and I can't come close to how safe I felt with him. One time with him, I felt so safe and warm my entire body relaxed and I started to sob. He didn't miss a beat and just comforted me. Just like how he comforted me that last day, while his actions were hurting me. If that isn't irony of how I feel about my mother, then I don't know what is. From how you wrote this, I feel like it's less about your mother and more about you. Consider that you may be seeing him as a proxy for yourself and how you want to treat yourself, but it's easier to have that compassion and understanding for another person than for yourself. Your trauma lines up just so, but try to stay no contact with him and feel all these feelings of grace for yourself. Are you sad and alone? How are you dealing with this? Give yourself those questions and that empathy, don't project it onto him instead. |
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Post by tnr9 on May 21, 2024 1:03:24 GMT
I also miss feeling safe in his arms. I remember tnr9 posts about B and feeling safe. I have done the hugging, the tapping, the inner child and I can't come close to how safe I felt with him. One time with him, I felt so safe and warm my entire body relaxed and I started to sob. He didn't miss a beat and just comforted me. Just like how he comforted me that last day, while his actions were hurting me. If that isn't irony of how I feel about my mother, then I don't know what is. I am glad my post was helpful in that you could relate to it. I am trying to remember how I healed from missing B….from making him my safe person to making that myself. If I recall properly my therapist asked when I missed B and it was always when my nervous system was a bit haywire from a stressful day or event. I think what she and I did was multi pronged….safety is a core need and she and I agreed I needed that, but it could not be pinned to B….i had to find other sources of safety. Also, we worked on my nervous system…but more from an acceptance that I would be ok and treating myself with 1 kind treat…a favorite food, a bubble bath, a massage…just something to show myself that I mattered. I don’t recall the day I stopped craving B’s hugs…I think it truly is due to a greater acceptance of myself. I do wish you all the best on your journey. |
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Post by cherrycola on May 21, 2024 2:09:15 GMT
Ohhh, excellent insights. Thank you. I went to book a counselling appointment, but unfortunately my counsellor has vanished. So I am struggling a bit to digest all this. I did locate a replacement but someone who doesn't know you, doesn't hit the same. I definitely struggle with self compassion.
I do feel sad and alone, which is odd because my need for connection is typically quite low... So I've called or seen pretty much all of my friends, but it's impossible to be present, and I just feel even more sad and alone with them. I've been trying to do all the typical self-care things, but they also ring a bit hollow. So instead I am using spite to fuel me because I do not want to be like him in anyway, and I can see how my own lack of integrity to myself plays out in my life. So I applied for a new job that terrified me, made a to-do of things I have been avoiding and doubled down on my fitness. I want to be the type of person I want to date, so that means getting to the next level of emotional maturity.
There is zero risk of me texting him because when I asked for space he said to text him when I was ready and I said no, that if he was serious he could reach out to me in a few weeks and I would let him know how I felt. What is left of my pride won't let me text him. Even just typing this, makes me upset. He can respect my need for space, but he couldn't respect me enough to tell me the truth!? He was always so big on respect of boundaries, yet he left out the one glaring area of when he wants to cheat on his partners.
I've gone over my red flag notes from all the previous men, to see what I am missing, what is my pattern, what is going wrong. I came up with 2 guys who were possibly more secure than the rest. But 2 out of 30 is startling and means I must be filtering wrong from the start. I had one guy who I thought was secure but then after 2 dates he told me he didn't want something "serious" and I had the common sense to walk away that time. I also have a strange pattern of the men all having some sort of neurodivergence. I have purple/pink hair and while it seems crazy, because surely mature, emotionally available men would also like my hair color... maybe that is attracting the wrong crowd? At least I can say that I rejected 2/3 of them myself on the 1st date due to their red flags.
Edit: For as sad as I am. And hurt. I do also love myself an astounding amount compared to when I started. And I can be proud of how far I've come. I think my resilience has also improved and when I fall I do tend to pick myself up a lot faster.
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Post by tnr9 on May 21, 2024 3:11:33 GMT
Ohhh, excellent insights. Thank you. I went to book a counselling appointment, but unfortunately my counsellor has vanished. So I am struggling a bit to digest all this. I did locate a replacement but someone who doesn't know you, doesn't hit the same. I definitely struggle with self compassion. I do feel sad and alone, which is odd because my need for connection is typically quite low... So I've called or seen pretty much all of my friends, but it's impossible to be present, and I just feel even more sad and alone with them. I've been trying to do all the typical self-care things, but they also ring a bit hollow. So instead I am using spite to fuel me because I do not want to be like him in anyway, and I can see how my own lack of integrity to myself plays out in my life. So I applied for a new job that terrified me, made a to-do of things I have been avoiding and doubled down on my fitness. I want to be the type of person I want to date, so that means getting to the next level of emotional maturity. There is zero risk of me texting him because when I asked for space he said to text him when I was ready and I said no, that if he was serious he could reach out to me in a few weeks and I would let him know how I felt. What is left of my pride won't let me text him. Even just typing this, makes me upset. He can respect my need for space, but he couldn't respect me enough to tell me the truth!? He was always so big on respect of boundaries, yet he left out the one glaring area of when he wants to cheat on his partners. I've gone over my red flag notes from all the previous men, to see what I am missing, what is my pattern, what is going wrong. I came up with 2 guys who were possibly more secure than the rest. But 2 out of 30 is startling and means I must be filtering wrong from the start. I had one guy who I thought was secure but then after 2 dates he told me he didn't want something "serious" and I had the common sense to walk away that time. I also have a strange pattern of the men all having some sort of neurodivergence. I have purple/pink hair and while it seems crazy, because surely mature, emotionally available men would also like my hair color... maybe that is attracting the wrong crowd? At least I can say that I rejected 2/3 of them myself on the 1st date due to their red flags. Edit: For as sad as I am. And hurt. I do also love myself an astounding amount compared to when I started. And I can be proud of how far I've come. I think my resilience has also improved and when I fall I do tend to pick myself up a lot faster. I think instead of analyzing your dating history and looking for red flags….why not give yourself a chance to explore what being sad and alone means. Where and how do you experience feeling sad and alone in your body? |
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Post by cherrycola on May 21, 2024 17:30:46 GMT
tnr9 I feel very called out (but in a good way). You are right, I'm intellectualizing instead of feeling. I'm having a very hard time sinking into my body and just feeling everything. It's all just there in my chest. A heavy sadness.
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Post by tnr9 on May 21, 2024 18:18:41 GMT
tnr9 I feel very called out (but in a good way). You are right, I'm intellectualizing instead of feeling. I'm having a very hard time sinking into my body and just feeling everything. It's all just there in my chest. A heavy sadness. What does the heaviness feel like? Can you go even a bit deeper into the feeling from your body? 🙂. For instance…I had moments of feeling a tightness in my throat. My therapist and I determined that feeling of tightness stemmed from feeling like I had no voice as a child. So I did visualization exercises of a ball going down my throat (opening it up) and I also would write down what it was I wanted to say but did not feel I had a voice to. |
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Post by cherrycola on May 22, 2024 20:11:29 GMT
I have been having a really hard time with this. I feel all strong painful emotions in my chest so it can be hard to tease them apart. So I've been trying to allow that heaviness and then something strange happened. Without thinking about her and without meditating my inner child came up to me holding a teddy bear and I could feel her loneliness. She's come twice now and I just allowed her to be with me. But now I feel like a crazy person.
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Post by tnr9 on May 22, 2024 22:08:13 GMT
I have been having a really hard time with this. I feel all strong painful emotions in my chest so it can be hard to tease them apart. So I've been trying to allow that heaviness and then something strange happened. Without thinking about her and without meditating my inner child came up to me holding a teddy bear and I could feel her loneliness. She's come twice now and I just allowed her to be with me. But now I feel like a crazy person. That is great work….we all still have our inner child and there is a lot to learn from letting her have some space to speak to the loneliness. Also, I think her holding a teddy bear is important and something to be curious about. What did the teddy bear mean to her? |
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Post by cherrycola on May 29, 2024 12:01:29 GMT
tnr9 I'm not sure what the teddy bear means to her yet but I have been allowing her to take up as much space as she desires. It's been helpful I think.
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Post by cherrycola on May 29, 2024 12:12:08 GMT
So I've been feeling a lot better. Ran into him in public last week and processed that. Have mostly accepted there was nothing I could have done and the way he ended things was un-necessarily messy and mean.
Then this morning my brain unwrapped something new, just a random comment that triggered me anxious and I shrugged off as me being too sensitive. But it was ultimately what caused the discussion that triggered him.
He turned to me while making me dinner and jokingly said "you keep me so sexually satisfied, I don't think I would be able to have another women even if I wanted to" and on the surface it sounds fine. But now I feel crazy, that it feels gaslighty. The subtext feels like "I could have another women, I just don't want one... for now". At the time, it was a reminder that we were not actually a thing and then it felt his feelings for me were conditional. It was obviously also a lie since he went out and immediately found someone new to sleep with.
Maybe I am being overly sensitive. Definitely should have mentioned it to him instead of trying to have a what are we conversation, but obviously I wasn't able to unpack the "why" until now.
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Post by tnr9 on May 29, 2024 14:35:52 GMT
So I've been feeling a lot better. Ran into him in public last week and processed that. Have mostly accepted there was nothing I could have done and the way he ended things was un-necessarily messy and mean. Then this morning my brain unwrapped something new, just a random comment that triggered me anxious and I shrugged off as me being too sensitive. But it was ultimately what caused the discussion that triggered him. He turned to me while making me dinner and jokingly said "you keep me so sexually satisfied, I don't think I would be able to have another women even if I wanted to" and on the surface it sounds fine. But now I feel crazy, that it feels gaslighty. The subtext feels like "I could have another women, I just don't want one... for now". At the time, it was a reminder that we were not actually a thing and then it felt his feelings for me were conditional. It was obviously also a lie since he went out and immediately found someone new to sleep with. Maybe I am being overly sensitive. Definitely should have mentioned it to him instead of trying to have a what are we conversation, but obviously I wasn't able to unpack the "why" until now. It isn’t you being too sensitive….but…it is you creating a story in your head….and one that doesn’t honor you. When I read it, I read it as he really did enjoy having sex with you. FAs are very “in the moment” which is why he can say one thing at a time and something different at another time. What your brain is doing is trying to read a deeper meaning that has no real context (meaning, that deeper meaning was not validated by him). This is a very AP behavior…trying to mind read, interpret and create a story that isn’t ever validated. But your brain now has this story and it is easy to react to a story when it isn’t called out as such. Brene Brown uses….”the story in my head is….” When she starts to go down the rabbit hole of mindreading. I have found it incredibly useful since I too find myself “interpreting” things without validating them. I would also recommend exploring why interpretation of his sentence made it out like you were not special. |
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Post by iz42 on May 29, 2024 20:54:06 GMT
Did you hear it as "I am sexually satisfied right now, but if that changes, I might go look for sex elsewhere?" If so, I can see that being pretty triggering.
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Post by cherrycola on May 29, 2024 21:01:37 GMT
Did you hear it as "I am sexually satisfied right now, but if that changes, I might go look for sex elsewhere?" If so, I can see that being pretty triggering. 100% it felt like a reminder that he owed me nothing. We aren't committed and he could just go off and date at anytime. But hey the sex is good so I'm sticking around. It's not something I would ever say to someone I was dating. If I was going to make a similar joke I would leave the other men out of it ? So while I can 100% see my own AP story telling here, I also have to honor all the small little distancing things he did/said while we were together. I was staying in my own adult space and then he kept bringing things up that just felt bad. Like jokes about how a one sided poly relationship would be perfect, because he didn't want me to go out and date other men. It always felt like there was something under the joke. Or when I picked up pieces here and there of a previous 8 month situationship that he stayed in because the sex was amazing, but he never developed feelings for her. That was also deeply triggering for me. I did point blank ask him how I was different, and he said he saw himself being happy with me, so I took it at face value. And with more context of him monkey branching to a new girl before he was done with me, and then coming back to me, then her... It even more so doesn't feel like I necessarily read into things wrong. I think he was actively trying to keep me a certain distance. |
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