Post by charonsobol on Feb 28, 2022 22:59:39 GMT
Hi all
I'm a male (don't know what attachment type, I guess I must be AP) that was dating a female DA for 3 months.
We got to know each other over a dating app, chatted 3 weeks then we saw each other and dated for 3 months. Was all very very good. Saw each other once a week (with sleepover). Texted daily (was too much for me to be honest).
Eventually she started to pull away
- less texting (I'm fine with not texting much but it started to trigger me because she never was like this before so I got a bit anxious)
- took way longer to respond
- saw me only a few hours the last few times (no sleep over, this was after 3 months)
- then she was busy like 2 weeks in a row after that and no contact for 4-5 days
She always responded when I wrote her though. So when we had no contact I also didn't write because I didn't want to seem needy and thought if she wanted to hear she would initiate.
At the start if I didn't write back she asked if I was still alive. She also said it's a shame we don't live closer because we can't see each other more and get to know each other better. She also gave me a present and cooked for me or wrote sometimes she would like to have woken up beside me and called me sweetie etc. this all stopped when she started to pull away, actually already got less a bit earlier.
After she started to pull away I thought I wanted to know what she wants from me. I had gotten anxious because I didn't understand what I did wrong all of a sudden. So I asked if she still wanted me the way in her life like before (obviously I was confused because we dated 3 months intensely then all of a sudden this happened and I did give it 3 weeks before asking her this).
So her answer to my question was that it's not that she doesn't really want it but she should say no, it's better for us, especially for me. She also mentioned when I'm with her it's all great and only good, but away I have doubts and am anxious. She also said I can be in her life in some other way, at least for now it should be this way. So I responded saying I can't be friends, this is not how I want her in my life, said it hurts a bit but I'll try to move on and that I enjoyed the times with her. She just wrote "ok was nice too with you
"
So 5 days later I couldn't wrap my head around this and asked to talk and she agreed. It wasn't a bad talk per se, but I didn't understand. I said it would have been understandable if she just lost interest or an ex came back or something like this. But she said it was just that message when I asked her... so I was baffled. She then offered me again a friendship at least for the time being. (meaning not more at the moment) I thought this would give me false hope and she just keeps me around to see if she wants to have me or not (I thought this, didn't say that). I declined again, because I don't want her to be a friend, I want more and I said this, I said I want the sex and the touching etc. not a friendship. I told her that at least we could agree on that I give her space and if she liked what we had I would hear from her. She answered but she doesn't know if this is in a month, 3, 6 or maybe it could be never (I didn't understand that at the time). She said I shouldn't wait on her and I said I won't wait, but if she did like it to contact me.
That was 50 days ago, no contact from either side.
My question is
- should I reach out to her? (at the moment I would like to and see how she responds) or should I just see and if she contacts me ever again? (I'm afraid I'll just move on because I already started going on dates again, but I actually like her too much, despite all of what happened)
Most will probably respond and say that I should stay no contact and that I should work on me. Thing is, had I known what a DA is, I wouldn't have gotten anxious because I would have understood and not cared too much. I actually like a lot of time for myself as well (like to live alone, see my friends, not bring someone to my family and introduce or be introduced to partners family etc.)
For anyone actually reading this post, thanks. If you give any sort of answer, even more thanks!
I'm a male (don't know what attachment type, I guess I must be AP) that was dating a female DA for 3 months.
We got to know each other over a dating app, chatted 3 weeks then we saw each other and dated for 3 months. Was all very very good. Saw each other once a week (with sleepover). Texted daily (was too much for me to be honest).
Eventually she started to pull away
- less texting (I'm fine with not texting much but it started to trigger me because she never was like this before so I got a bit anxious)
- took way longer to respond
- saw me only a few hours the last few times (no sleep over, this was after 3 months)
- then she was busy like 2 weeks in a row after that and no contact for 4-5 days
She always responded when I wrote her though. So when we had no contact I also didn't write because I didn't want to seem needy and thought if she wanted to hear she would initiate.
At the start if I didn't write back she asked if I was still alive. She also said it's a shame we don't live closer because we can't see each other more and get to know each other better. She also gave me a present and cooked for me or wrote sometimes she would like to have woken up beside me and called me sweetie etc. this all stopped when she started to pull away, actually already got less a bit earlier.
After she started to pull away I thought I wanted to know what she wants from me. I had gotten anxious because I didn't understand what I did wrong all of a sudden. So I asked if she still wanted me the way in her life like before (obviously I was confused because we dated 3 months intensely then all of a sudden this happened and I did give it 3 weeks before asking her this).
So her answer to my question was that it's not that she doesn't really want it but she should say no, it's better for us, especially for me. She also mentioned when I'm with her it's all great and only good, but away I have doubts and am anxious. She also said I can be in her life in some other way, at least for now it should be this way. So I responded saying I can't be friends, this is not how I want her in my life, said it hurts a bit but I'll try to move on and that I enjoyed the times with her. She just wrote "ok was nice too with you
"So 5 days later I couldn't wrap my head around this and asked to talk and she agreed. It wasn't a bad talk per se, but I didn't understand. I said it would have been understandable if she just lost interest or an ex came back or something like this. But she said it was just that message when I asked her... so I was baffled. She then offered me again a friendship at least for the time being. (meaning not more at the moment) I thought this would give me false hope and she just keeps me around to see if she wants to have me or not (I thought this, didn't say that). I declined again, because I don't want her to be a friend, I want more and I said this, I said I want the sex and the touching etc. not a friendship. I told her that at least we could agree on that I give her space and if she liked what we had I would hear from her. She answered but she doesn't know if this is in a month, 3, 6 or maybe it could be never (I didn't understand that at the time). She said I shouldn't wait on her and I said I won't wait, but if she did like it to contact me.
That was 50 days ago, no contact from either side.
My question is
- should I reach out to her? (at the moment I would like to and see how she responds) or should I just see and if she contacts me ever again? (I'm afraid I'll just move on because I already started going on dates again, but I actually like her too much, despite all of what happened)
Most will probably respond and say that I should stay no contact and that I should work on me. Thing is, had I known what a DA is, I wouldn't have gotten anxious because I would have understood and not cared too much. I actually like a lot of time for myself as well (like to live alone, see my friends, not bring someone to my family and introduce or be introduced to partners family etc.)
For anyone actually reading this post, thanks. If you give any sort of answer, even more thanks!
