How funny, we all like to sleep alone and like to rock ourselves, also. Girls Rock. 😜
Do you have a rocking chair, either of you deannaelizabeth ? I love my big fat rocking recliner.
heck yeah! i have a wooden rocking chair outside on my apartment balcony. i sit in that bad boy all the time, staring up into the trees! but then i go inside and do it somemore on the couch. i love it! i may get a big fat rocking recliner when i move in with the dude. i had one before and it was bliss and i put a lot of miles on it for sure.
i dont have a preference sleeping alone or not, i kinda love sleeping in the bed with him when we are together, so i dont have that one feature. but the weird thing is, when he is not visiting me, i wont sleep in my bed, i sleep on the couch. its not even a couch its a loveseat, so my legs are hanging off, why dont i just get into my bed? dont ask me!
what a fascinating and beautiful detour and discussion on this thread @introvert and elizabeth . I too love to listen to music and rock and get lost in thoughts. I too have found myself rocking less when cohabiting with a partner, but I've never stopped altogether and eventually all of them have walked into a room and seen me doing it which has been interesting ... always a turning point, & each time it was because I thought I was home alone. Nothing negative ever came of it, and it usually prompted some good discussion which brought us closer. With my last live in boyfriend, we had separate bedrooms - by then I'd figured out, aged fortysomething that I functioned best when I had space and proximity. He hated it though, & ultimately we fizzled out.
I've only recently started to think of rocking as a way to regulate / self soothe as it's intensified now that I am living alone for the first time in my life. I'm still getting used to it, & I think it's part of why I've taken the break up with FA ex so hard - it has coincided with this new phase of life. I realise living with people has been a way for me to not disappear entirely into my ancient coping mechanisms and habits. Lots to think about! Thanks all.
i have been 'caught' a few times too. i find it so embarrassing! it just must look so strange to others with no context. it is encouraging to think it never ended badly for you when someone saw you doing it, and it lead to openness and discussion. i guess that's why i have already told him i 'do something weird' incase i get busted. lol. i wonder what he thinks it could be?
the only thing i would say from my own experience is that once you live alone and no one is there to stop you doing it, it is easy to just fall into doing it constantly, because it feels so nice, and there is no risk/threat to being alone in the mind, but it can put a person in a holding pattern where, as you said, you can almost disappear and stop growing and spend all the time processing thoughts but no new experiences. in retrospect i think at times i should have maintained a healthier balance of making sure i get out and about and do things, even if i do them by myself, just to keep a life going outside of my mind, no matter how much i like it there! for a time, i didnt want to do anything else and i dont think that was healthy. but it sounds like you are aware of that. i think i had this moment where i realised that no one was gonna stop me doing it, and if i wasnt careful, i would look back on my life and see that all i did was live in my own mind, rocking. so i started to find some things to do. sometimes i have to force myself to go out and have some fun, because it doesnt seem as enjoyable as the trusty rocking, as weird as that sounds. its probably just the safety of it, as opposed to putting myself out in the world, even to have some fun, which feels much more fraught, but i make sure i go out and live a little bit, and afterwards i never regret going out and doing something. (but then of course afterwards i have to have a good rocking session to think it all over and disect and analyse everything that happened when i went out into the world - haha)
it must be quite intense to be living on your own for the first time! overall, do you like it?
@introvert - girls who rock! what's not to love about that! whether it be girls with guitars and/ or rocking chairs. I don't actually have a dedicated rocking chair - couch and bed being my favourites - but one day, who knows
elizabeth - I totally agree it is easy to get lost in thoughts, music and rocking at the expense of engaging with the world. I have a job and I socialise a lot so I'm not too worried though it makes me realise rocking was once a stolen moments or emergency thing but now I do it more often.
I'm still getting used to living alone - it suits me in so many ways and it has been very helpful in terms of processing break up and attachment issues, including because I now see a pattern I've had of moving in with my partners too soon, then needing space (I am classic FA in that sense). At first I thought it would be temporary but it's been about a year now and this looks like the way it is going to be, so I'm trying to embrace it.
I wonder what your partner must imagine the 'wierd' thing is you do- I once told a friend I lived with something similar and when she did walk into a room while I was rocking out to some music videos she actually said 'oh this is what I do when I'm alone too!' 🤣
I was going to start a new thread this week updating my situation, partly as a way of thanking this forum for all the support and wisdom provided, and also as a way to reflect on what it's been like becoming more 'aware' of attachment issues since the sudden break with my ex back in March. But this week has thrown a couple of curve balls, and the original title of this thread still seems pertinent, so here goes...
Re: the ex. I confess to still looking at him on social media now and then (he de-friended me but did not block), but there wasn't much to see. He's been very quiet. From my last attempt to contact him with a text back in April, I've resisted the urge - and that resistance has required some vigilance, including reading over posts on here, and other sites, therapy, affirmations...whatever it takes really. I stopped wishing he would contact me. In the last month, it's felt sad really, a disappointment, rather than an all-consuming situation which it was for the first two months.
Then earlier this week, I asked my sister whether my ex had ever gotten in touch with her partner again to procure some pot (which he did the day after it blew up between us). She said he had a number of times, and suddenly I was upset all over again - and angry this time, in an inarticulate way. I really had blamed myself when it ended so spectacularly between us, but now I was enraged. So I texted him and said so - ie. that I'd been in lots of pain too, including because he disappeared so abruptly from my life & so soon after the 'I love you's'. All the while composing it, I had the critter voice in my head, 'don't do this, you will ruin any chance you had'...I hate that that popped into my mind before 'don't do this, it will set back your hard won progress' or any of the other lessons I have learned, including that what he does with his life now is none of my business. Anyway, I sent it, and of course nothing back, and that is no surprise and a relief, as well as an alarm bell that I am still recovering from what happened with him.
The other curve ball is that I went on a date with a new person. It's someone I met online, and the date was fun and he was terrific company. However, I did not feel a spark, whereas he let me know he is very keen to see where it all goes. I told him a little about the ex, that I want to be cautious, and he seemed receptive, while also eager to accelerate things (on date one - red flag?). I feel I'm in a strange limbo space - aware of my own FA tendencies, but still in the grips. I don't know what to trust because my feelings are all over the place, plus I can see my own patterns more clearly - i.e. I tend to give people interested in me a chance because of the validation they provide - but inevitably I end up hurting everyone if that's the place I start from. I don't know what's best with this new person, for him and for me. I experienced full on limerence with the ex, the attraction was off-the-charts and it abruptly ended that way. I've read and received all sorts of conflicting advice about whether or not it's good to date when trying to do deep inner work. Distraction from my wounds and trauma has been my default to date. I guess I can just proceed with caution ...right?
People often say that they are ready to date - but that is often on the cognitive level
Maybe you are not ready on the emotional level or the instinctive level or the spiritual level ?
It could maybe be a good thing to work more with yourself before doing serious dating
I can also encourage you to get in contact with your inner devine feminine woman ect.
There are some regulating tools and other tips and tricks in the dating thread - general discussion forum
If you have got some desorganised attatchment style, it can be difficult to trust your body’s signals. There’s also some regulating tools especially designed for people with some disorganized attachment style in the dating thread
You can build sparks and attraction in many different ways in a relationship- it doesn’t have to be there right away
It sounds like you could benefit from doing the two chair anger exercice with your ex right now ?
Maybe you also need to do some boundarie exercises with your body ?
You can journal and use the boundarie setting model to process your emotions. Sounds like you sended the text in a triggered state ? Maybe you can make a deal with some of your friends to send the text to them in the future instead ?
Thank you anne12 for the useful advice & guidance on multiple fronts. I will pursue all of it.
I do think I was in a triggered state when I wrote to the ex, & it is distressing because I thought I was past that stage with him, or that I had learned to push through including by texting friends instead. It reminds me of the importance of no contact for my own healing, including not asking others about him. That is what tipped me over - I was so angry that he has continued to use a contact in my world when he deactivated on me so completely I fell apart. It's been an all consuming effort to recover and learn from it & I guess that effort goes on. It's also really sad generally - I have compassion for him, but it's bad for me to dwell on his side of things.
As for the date, yes I've had a deep dive into the dating threads. I need to go slowly, but date dude is already texting a lot and seems to presume his interest means we're good to go. After one date! I wonder if I once would have found it reassuring, now I feel the need to put the breaks on.
If you feel you just have to text: STOP! Feel where in the body you feel the urge to text. Put your hand on that bodypart and tell the feeling, that the feeling is allowed to be here right now, but you are in charge and you are the one who decides what is going to happen.
The rubberband method: Use the rubberband method and put a rubberband around your wrist on your arm. .Every time you think of the other person, you easily pull out the rubberband - you can change the wrist. This method gives your brain a micro shock. This method Will help you to become present in the precent moment. IT gives you a micro shock.
A good sentence for the ambivalent to say to themselves: What goes wrong for many is that they let others decide their feelings, inner states and external actions. Not intentionally, but completely unconscious. The auto pilot takes over and creates internal turmoil and often external turmoil.
When we let others decide on our feelings, inner states and external actions, it typically happens completely unconsciously and based on one's inner work models. These are the ways we perceive others and ourselves and how we handle this situation. People, with ambivalent attachment, are particularly vulnerable to others deciding their feelings, inner states and external actions.
WHAT CAN YOU DO? These automatic patterns - can be managed to a certain extent by placing a conscious choice between impact and response. For example, a person could have asked himself: What do I want How can I be affectionate to myself You can decide to focus on something else,
Stop the thought as soon as it approaches ... do something physical or read something, sometimes it may be helpful to get the nervous system to land - also by the watertank exercise.
You can start doing this immediately. Type it down: Many times daily - that's every time there's something you're reacting to either because of others or your own internal judge - say to yourself: “I choose to ...”
Put yellow post-it notes around in your home and at your work, where it says “I choose to ..." - so that you remember this.
Then you train that muscle to put an active choice, so that others do not have as much control over you. (Stephen Covey's book 7 good habits.)
Thanks again anne12 - that first tip was so very useful when I first busted up with the ex. Obviously I've lapsed this week, but I do feel much more on top of the urge for contact. I love the second tip re: good sentence for the ambivalent to say to themselves. Already with the new person, I find myself bending to the direction they've laid out and I really want to stop that, and be more conscious about what I want and am comfortable with.
Hi deanna, it sounds so normal to me that you'd want to take things slowly after the experience you've just had and what you're still healing from.
It sounds like you have lots of awareness around what's going on for you at the moment and how that might potentially affect a new relationship. I don't think there's a right or a wrong to whether you enter something before you're fully healed, as long as you're doing what feels good and right for you in any given moment. Perhaps this is an opportunity for you to really refine the art of setting boundaries around what you need at this time and honour that, and see how he reacts to that? If nothing else, it will be good practise, even if nothing comes out of it. If he is wanting to move quickly and that makes you feel uncomfortable, I think that's fair enough, especially given what you've been through. Perhaps he needs some clear-cut communication about exactly what you need and you can see how he reacts to that? i.e. does he need to know you need less messaging and no commitment until you've had time to see whether this is something you really want?
Ahhh the message to your ex... well I imagine the idea of sending any kind of message to him has probably come in and out of your mind so many times since he disappeared... and you had a moment where the urge became too strong. Absolutely understandable. I hope you can forgive yourself for that. It sounds like you have already taken note of the fact that it didn't help you to reach out... and perhaps strengthened the knowledge that he hasn't got the capacity to come towards you with a reasonable explanation for anything or any type of additional closure. It's a pity, but now you know for sure. This is a pattern I imagine that would have been present in your relationship had it continued. I also agree - talking about him to others, looking at their social media - it's hard not to do those things, but they really do send you backwards.
You mention the instant chemistry with your ex. I wonder how many of us who have experienced this crazy off-the-charts connection end up getting stuck afterwards because of it? Even though logically we know it's not healthy (well, I didn't so much at the time, but I do now!), there seems to be some sort of fear that we'll never reach those heights ever again. Almost like it was a drug. I have learned to see that that crazy connection I had with my ex right off the bat wasn't actually real or true. There was a lot of mirroring involved, him listening carefully to what I was saying and showing me what he thought I wanted to see rather than what was real, and for me it was filling up a deep void in terms of being seen and wanted. But it has really helped me to change my thinking around the fact that what he showed me so early on, and all of the promises, plans for the future and early expressions of love etc, were not actually coming from his heart, but actually from his fear and wounding. And me accepting them was coming from my wounding. Perhaps this is stuff you've already processed and know, but this is something that has really sunk in quite deeply for me in the last few weeks and it's helped sooooo much in letting go of a lot of the pain and disappointment I was feeling of not having that connection any more, and not being sure if I'd ever have it again. I now feel it's seeping into my subconscious and my body that I don't want that again. I'm starting to feel it in my body rather than just knowing it on an intellectual level.
p.s. I have also been dipping my toes into the apps, but I have been so so picky - and really feeling into each interaction and what my gut is telling me about it. I haven't met anyone yet - just phone chats and text conversations. I knew each one of them wasn't right, and I feel strangely good about the fact that I can just see that and let it go. It's baby steps over here!! good luck as you progress through this x
Thanks so much for your empathy & understanding sunrisequest. I know you've been dragged right through it, but it seems you've also made some real breakthroughs & are really looking after yourself. I know how hard that is. Part of what gave me such a fright this week was how tenuous any sense of progress I'd made suddenly seemed to be. But it's not. I just can't rush and I have to be vigilant about my triggers and past patterns.
Recently I had a major professional challenge and it was so stressful, but I emerged from it triumphant. It felt so good to be consumed by something else! To get my validation elsewhere- including my own talents. But lurking beneath the surface of it all was a continuing wish I'd somehow lure my ex back, or at least have the opportunity to show him I didn't need him. Classic attachment stuff still playing out, but at least I can see it.
As for dating, you're right - I must communicate what I'm comfortable with. Here I can see my old patterns already threatening to re-emerge too - ie. I am ambivalent about new person but because he seems to have retreated a bit after seeming quite keen, I am feeling a little insecure already. I can see how easy it is to step into projection and push-pull and all that stuff. Baby steps is totally the way I need to go. Wish me luck! I am sending you every good wish too. x
So pleased to hear you had some work success that felt fulfilling and validating... amazing!
As for the thoughts that linger underneath about your ex... I think a massive part of the journey is that you have the thoughts, you see them, and you choose what you want to do with them... and if you choose a way that ends up being healthy for you as a person, then you're totally winning. But we all choose the things we know we're not meant to do some of the times, and that's okay as well, because there are learning opportunities in those moments.
When I think back to a decade or so ago, I was mostly unaware of how my attachment patterns were manifesting, and how they were affecting my relationships. Although there's always so much more to learn, and always will be, I can literally see the gap between my mind pushing me to act in a certain direction, and then me deciding whether I'm going to act on it or not. I think meditation and self-care are the things that allow me to keep a really decent gap between thought and action. And then some patterns have just melted away completely. It's nice to think about that in reflection.
Sending you lots of luck in the dating journey - and thank you for the good wishes. I have a felling you're going to be just fine!