Post by Deleted on Apr 19, 2022 17:49:19 GMT
Having any sort of daily routine helps me a lot. Wake up time.shower.eat even if drinking a Suplement like a smoothie. Then continue my project. Otherwise my life tends to get messy.
I also have this battle with partners, that my levels of affection,mindfulness and level of contributions can be hard for certain people. I think @introverttemporary has it right in that the workload just needs to be kind of shared evenly and the other person needs to be appreciated for what they bring and in return appreciate the person for the support and what they can bring.
As an avoidant being encouraged to participate is very helpful for me, but I am still way better at hauling dirt, building, most house maintenance other than cleaning. I am good at all those but slower, takes me 5x as long to do dishes etc. It's hard but just being mindful that the AP person.likely did do a lot of work and may be better at it. When they lash out acknowledge and appreciate them. Give them physical reassurance. Then at a notbto distant time or maybe even every day or 2 ask what is something you could do to be supportive. Try to be consistent.
Funny how closely so many of our relationship dynamics come into play too. It is super interesting reading all the posts on the forum. I learned way more than I ever could reading the basic attachment theory!
sorgin I will definitely keep my journey with the se therapy going on my thread. I have been over posting later because I'm stressed so I'm trying to limit myself to there for the most part other than to offer support or the odd post but I can't help myself sometimes.
Another is, I suspect that a more avoidantly leaning or a secure partner is the right match for an ADHD partner, rather than an AP partner. I say this because there are things as an avoidant that allow me to give him some much needed leeway as far as the time and focus aspect is concerned.
I cherish my own autonomy and the fact that I'm a grown woman who wants to live in a way that suits me. I have my priorities for how I want to spend my time and also don't want to be micromanaged, nor do I want to micromanage and it's not my tendency, not with my kids and not with my partner. So if I'm doing a project or engaged in an activity I find rewarding, the last thing I can tolerate is having that become a flashpoint or a power struggle. I want to keep my happy things happy and not do battle over them.
He's got big projects going on all the time, and he finds them rewarding and enjoyable. I see, that he is happy and content and feels proud and accomplished with his outcomes, as he should be. These projects entail disarray, lots of stuff, long hours spent working on them. I have no inclination to form a cloud over his happy pursuits by protesting the time needed, or the mess made, etc. I am a grown woman who would resent that tremendously if it were coming at me.
So, there has to be a reasonable middle ground, something that doesn't impinge him but also isn't unfair to me. Like keeping me waiting simply for having lost track of time. So we work with finding those amicable solutions that meet both our needs (because the reality is, he wants to go to dinner and have a date with me too- he's not avoiding me or regretting his plan!) Keeping him on track meets his objectives better too.
Its funny, we've had convos in reverse as well, with me being the one saying "I'm a grown ass woman and aren't you glad about that, lol. I won't be taking lessons on how to use the dish soap properly from you, thank you very much but I'd be happy to something else that's more fun!"😂
Being able to have a sense of humor, and mutual respect for the other as a capable adult with a different way of doing things goes a long way.
And understanding that none of the challenges are due to a lack of interest, rejection, or anything personally threatening is helpful too. An AP might really be challenged more severely by the preoccupation and distraction of the ADHD partner , taking it as a sign of rejection. I just want my dang dinner. It's not as emotionally loaded, I'm annoyed but not worried that there is another woman or something.