DA reaching out after 4.5 months of break up
Apr 20, 2022 21:15:59 GMT
via mobile
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Post by andy39 on Apr 20, 2022 21:15:59 GMT
Hello everyone!
First of all, english is not my first language, so sorry for the possible mistakes.
I want to tell my story here after reading so many of yours during these difficult times.
My ex (DA, 27F) dumped me (27M) back in december. We had been together for 6months, but the connection was so strong since the beggining. She had been with many guys but never in a relationship, and I had a pretty long relationship before, so completely different cases. We clicked very well, we had a lot in common, the sex was amazing and the connection was brutal. Since the beggining she stated she wanted to be with me but had fear of commitment and she didn't want to hurt me. Nevertheless I gave her space during the relationship so she didn't feel trapped. She, however, went very fast. In the first month wanted to spend almost every single day with me, and after a month of dating we even planned going on holiday together and even got to meet her family (all of this under her iniciative). Things were great, just that due to her fear of commitment, every month or so she would feel a bit trapped and with a lot of anxiety but we managed it. Despite of all of this, she stated she wanted exclusivity. So in the end we functioned as a couple eventhough she struggled to give it a name (something I never put pressure on).
After 3 months I moved to another country, but the relationship went on well, we even travelled to visit each other. The relationship was growing up and was feeling great. In the 5th month, I had to move back to the city we originally met, but due to the fact that I had to start working straight away, I didn't have where to stay. She surprinsingly offered me to move with her temporarily while I couldn't find a place (in The Netherlands the housing market is crowded), to which I said no because I didn't want her to feel trapped again because of so much closeness. Eventually, after her insistence, I accepted, and she even said I could stay as long as needed. After 15 days she started to change her character, saying some bad things to me daily, stopping being close phisically, and I saw things were going wrong. Towards the last days I asked her what happened and we had a fight, all because I just told her how her acts were affecting me emotionally, for which she never assumed any responsibility. After that fight (there were no lacks of respect or mistreating) she said she needed some time to think about the relationship. In the end, after 15 days, and after having had a nice and lovely conversation on the phone where we told each other very nice things, she decided to have a conversation, a "quick one", "nothing serious" nor "to be worried about". She called me and told me she just wanted to be my friend, out of the blue. I was shocked (and still am). She never gave me a clear explanation, she manipulated me emotionally because when I told her she was acting egoistically for not being clear and for acting blindsided she told me I was accusing her of being egoistic (just turning things around to avoid responsibility) and many other things that hurt me incredibly. In Those days my grandmother was dying and she never cared or showed any support.
She left things like that and I never begged. I went to NC straight away, knowing that it was the only solution for my own healing. With all the pain I just was left like that and decided to go on the best way possible. Surprinsingly, she texted me back in the beggining of March (3months after NC) when I was still not recovered but feeling much much better. She wrote me "Hi, I hope youre well and that you are having so much fun with all the professional opportunities you're getting (I am a classical singer, so because of my job I need to post my concerts on social media, so that's how she knew). I understand if you don't want to have contact with me". I responded I am well thanks how are you, and well, after opening her the door, we talked for a couple of days and we eventually run "into each other by mistake" (she basically appeared in a concert I was gonna attend). After that, we kissed, she told me we would go on talking (as in the beggining of the relationship, it was her iniciative to say that) but never wrote me and dissapeared. As in the beggining of the break up, I went NC... And guess who wrote me three days ago? Her. Again, with an excuse, asking me if I was singing in a specific concert in our city that I told her about and to which I invited her last month when we kissed (which she could know without asking me because it's on the internet).
End of the back ground story. Now I can tell she has a dismissive avoidant attachment style, but despite I understand that, I don't get why she treated me like that and keeps coming back without first taking responsibility for her acts. She hurted me so much, despite of saying several times during the relationshio that "she would never ever hurt me, and that before doing that, she would prefer to suffer herself".
I gave so much for her, treated her well, with respect, lovingly, and took care of her every day. She knows it. I also know from a colleague that she knows she acted wrong with me. But I don't know why she doesn't express it, in case that's the truth.
I don't know, I am lost. I am going to therapy and after 4.5 months I feel much better, despite of the pain being still there. I feel I just don't want her to talk to me unless it is for a sincere apology. I am feeling used and like receiving breadcrumbs. I feel I just need to shut the door until she shows more iniciative (in case she wants to do something) but this ambiguity is so uncomfortable. It almost feels like she's playing with me, and I struggle because I tend to believe in people and in their "good" intentions. I also have the anxiety of needing tondo something, line making a move myself in order to fix things, when I think is not my responsibility. When she contacts me I answer politely and nicely, but I don't know what else to do.
I know it is a very long text, but it is my first time here and this is my story. I hope it was well written and understandable. Hope it is useful for many of you in a difficult situation like me, and hope to receive some feed back in case you would consider it appropriate.
Thanks a lot
First of all, english is not my first language, so sorry for the possible mistakes.
I want to tell my story here after reading so many of yours during these difficult times.
My ex (DA, 27F) dumped me (27M) back in december. We had been together for 6months, but the connection was so strong since the beggining. She had been with many guys but never in a relationship, and I had a pretty long relationship before, so completely different cases. We clicked very well, we had a lot in common, the sex was amazing and the connection was brutal. Since the beggining she stated she wanted to be with me but had fear of commitment and she didn't want to hurt me. Nevertheless I gave her space during the relationship so she didn't feel trapped. She, however, went very fast. In the first month wanted to spend almost every single day with me, and after a month of dating we even planned going on holiday together and even got to meet her family (all of this under her iniciative). Things were great, just that due to her fear of commitment, every month or so she would feel a bit trapped and with a lot of anxiety but we managed it. Despite of all of this, she stated she wanted exclusivity. So in the end we functioned as a couple eventhough she struggled to give it a name (something I never put pressure on).
After 3 months I moved to another country, but the relationship went on well, we even travelled to visit each other. The relationship was growing up and was feeling great. In the 5th month, I had to move back to the city we originally met, but due to the fact that I had to start working straight away, I didn't have where to stay. She surprinsingly offered me to move with her temporarily while I couldn't find a place (in The Netherlands the housing market is crowded), to which I said no because I didn't want her to feel trapped again because of so much closeness. Eventually, after her insistence, I accepted, and she even said I could stay as long as needed. After 15 days she started to change her character, saying some bad things to me daily, stopping being close phisically, and I saw things were going wrong. Towards the last days I asked her what happened and we had a fight, all because I just told her how her acts were affecting me emotionally, for which she never assumed any responsibility. After that fight (there were no lacks of respect or mistreating) she said she needed some time to think about the relationship. In the end, after 15 days, and after having had a nice and lovely conversation on the phone where we told each other very nice things, she decided to have a conversation, a "quick one", "nothing serious" nor "to be worried about". She called me and told me she just wanted to be my friend, out of the blue. I was shocked (and still am). She never gave me a clear explanation, she manipulated me emotionally because when I told her she was acting egoistically for not being clear and for acting blindsided she told me I was accusing her of being egoistic (just turning things around to avoid responsibility) and many other things that hurt me incredibly. In Those days my grandmother was dying and she never cared or showed any support.
She left things like that and I never begged. I went to NC straight away, knowing that it was the only solution for my own healing. With all the pain I just was left like that and decided to go on the best way possible. Surprinsingly, she texted me back in the beggining of March (3months after NC) when I was still not recovered but feeling much much better. She wrote me "Hi, I hope youre well and that you are having so much fun with all the professional opportunities you're getting (I am a classical singer, so because of my job I need to post my concerts on social media, so that's how she knew). I understand if you don't want to have contact with me". I responded I am well thanks how are you, and well, after opening her the door, we talked for a couple of days and we eventually run "into each other by mistake" (she basically appeared in a concert I was gonna attend). After that, we kissed, she told me we would go on talking (as in the beggining of the relationship, it was her iniciative to say that) but never wrote me and dissapeared. As in the beggining of the break up, I went NC... And guess who wrote me three days ago? Her. Again, with an excuse, asking me if I was singing in a specific concert in our city that I told her about and to which I invited her last month when we kissed (which she could know without asking me because it's on the internet).
End of the back ground story. Now I can tell she has a dismissive avoidant attachment style, but despite I understand that, I don't get why she treated me like that and keeps coming back without first taking responsibility for her acts. She hurted me so much, despite of saying several times during the relationshio that "she would never ever hurt me, and that before doing that, she would prefer to suffer herself".
I gave so much for her, treated her well, with respect, lovingly, and took care of her every day. She knows it. I also know from a colleague that she knows she acted wrong with me. But I don't know why she doesn't express it, in case that's the truth.
I don't know, I am lost. I am going to therapy and after 4.5 months I feel much better, despite of the pain being still there. I feel I just don't want her to talk to me unless it is for a sincere apology. I am feeling used and like receiving breadcrumbs. I feel I just need to shut the door until she shows more iniciative (in case she wants to do something) but this ambiguity is so uncomfortable. It almost feels like she's playing with me, and I struggle because I tend to believe in people and in their "good" intentions. I also have the anxiety of needing tondo something, line making a move myself in order to fix things, when I think is not my responsibility. When she contacts me I answer politely and nicely, but I don't know what else to do.
I know it is a very long text, but it is my first time here and this is my story. I hope it was well written and understandable. Hope it is useful for many of you in a difficult situation like me, and hope to receive some feed back in case you would consider it appropriate.
Thanks a lot
