Plan to re-gain trust of disorganized ex

Hi there…I was with a full blown NPD for 3 years….and based on the information you have provided…it is difficult to tell if he has NPD…however, the fact that he has been unable to be there for you but expects you to be there for him is a huge red flag. Also…the fact that he feels ok with telling you who you are is also a big red flag. I find that people who do this often have boundary issues….knowing where they end and the other person begins and vice versa.

I'm left wondering if I have provided him with a safe enough enviroment to work on issues, I guess not, which is why I want to talk to him and do so in the least triggering way possible.
Advices?

This is not your job….feeling safe actually resides within our self and is often based on our own nervous system. Also….he would have to choose to change…that is again not something you have any influence over.

I'd like to add that most of the commenters replying to you have avoidant attachment styles they are working through, whether DA or FA, and they are still advising that this man is not treating you in an acceptable way.

Hi ale , it sounds like you've already done some good work to try and understand the impact your upbringing has had on you and your relationships. It's a lifelong journey sometimes isn't it, but am glad that you've already seen some good effects from understanding yourself a bit better.

My quick thoughts on the paragraph above... I don't think it really matters whether the energy behind someone telling you they have limitations is to avoid responsibility or whether it's to ask for reassurance that you'll accept them the way they are... the end result is the same. They cannot do the things they are saying they cannot do, and as alexandra quite rightly said, we should believe people when they tell us these things, and not expect them to change it on our or the relationships behalf.

So this really comes down to you and your needs. Are you able to be in a relationship where the other person isn't able to support you? Or see your side in things? Would you REALLY be able to live with his flaws exactly as they are for any length of time? What do you really desire from a relationship? What are your needs? Have you taken the time to really explore this and understand what kind of support and love and acceptance you desire from a partner? If you are okay with accepting his flaws, then what is the reason you're okay with this? Why do you not deserve or expect more for yourself?

When you asked him whether he really wanted to work on things and he retreated - I think that was your answer in a nutshell. For whatever reason, that's all he's capable of at this point in time. He might wish he was capable of more, but ultimately he knows he's not. Asking someone if they are prepared to work on something is a fair question for you to ask, and you shouldn't feel bad for placing questions or expectations in front of someone else. We can spend time trying to twist ourselves into pretzels, wondering if we can make the situation even easier for someone/take away their challenges... but that's his journey, and he needs to figure some of that out on his own: how to find safety within himself whilst being in a relationship, how to ask for what he needs. It sounds like you've made it clear you're understanding and willing to work on things as a general stance, but he's responded otherwise. It hurts and is frustrating, but perhaps accepting that and letting him feel the consequence of that decision is the kindest thing you can do for both yourself and for him.

People who warn you are not good to date, but there is a flip side to this. People who take the warning and proceed tend to fall into categories as well.

There are those so uncomfortable with facing their own flaws, missteps and inadequacies that they are more than willing to partner with a problematic person and let THAT person be the one who needs to address their flaws. This usually keeps the "good" person occupied for a good long while, because the "flawed" person is unhealthy and not really looking to alter their behavior, and they don't really have to. Because the "good" person is there being good enough to overlook their flaws. How nice! In this way, the good person never has to look at their own liabilities and imperfections, they are focused on the flawed person and who can argue- it's so bad that a warning was issued. Perfect cover for both partners to hide out in, comfort zones are enjoyed by all.

Then, there are the real rescuer types. These are the people who also focus on the flaws of the partner, and tolerate them, but inject an almost supernatural ability to heal others into the mix. This may come from over-empathy, and a need to prove that they are deserving of love by proving to others that they too are deserving of love. The problem is, there is no real healing going on because the other person isn't trying to be healed... they are trying to get laid, pass time, avoid themselves, or something else not on the menu for the healer. And the healer eventually finds that this has been an illusion, and is left to face their own need for healing or repeat the pattern again.

Another type might be an avoidant, more *comfortable with the distance created by a truly unavailable partner. An avoidant does not identify with "needs", so a partner who is patently incapable of meeting "needs" isn't a terrible prospect. They also might be accustomed to being attacked, and able to dismiss it without taking it to heart. In fact , the "flawed" partner's issues tend to take up all the space in the relationship, preventing the intimacy and reciprocity expected in a real, secure relationship. They don't ever have to show up vulnerable because... they are the capable ones. They don't look flawed next to the person who issues warnings about themselves. So, it can work, for a little or a long time... until the avoidant realizes that this too is a crappy deal and unsustainable. Until the avoidant realizes that they are no longer comfortable being unseen and unimportant, that they actually do have needs and don't have endless energy to expend on someone willing to take as much as they can give. (Avoidants tend to offer acts of service rather than I love you's and quality time, don't forget. There is plenty to take from an avoidant who shows up with acts of service. ) Finally, when it becomes obvious that is truly one sided.. the avoidant might be forced to take a good look at themselves, realizing that they got themselves into this and they are going to have to find a way to get themselves out. It can be a real wake up call. Yep, avoidants choose unavailable people too, and there are all kinds of flavors when it comes to unavailable.

Unavailable is unavailable and like attracts like. The humiliation of being used can break avoidants and anxious both. I've seen it, I've experienced it. It's what finally leads many of us toward healing and learning how to take care of ourselves.

What I don't see, is secure people being attracted to and pursuing someone who is obviously unavailable, and who flat out says so. They don't fall for potential. They have better plans for their future than being treated poorly with no end in sight. They don't limit themselves and their lives that way. Unavailability turns a secure person off, and they don't need to try to get their needs met by an unavailable person- they ain't got time for all that.

At any rate, there is nothing really wrong with giving it a shot. It's just tough to find advice on how to do that from a group that can't get behind you with it.