ron
New Member
Posts: 17
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Post by ron on May 22, 2022 19:43:59 GMT
I have been reading a lot of threads on this Forum and I'm feeling pretty overwhelmed-seeing how far I have to go to becoming more Secure. Reading the Forum I have developed more compassion for DAs and how they developed their style and what their experience of relationships and life, in general, is like for them. I still wouldn't knowingly get involved with a DA since, unless they are a very mild version, would likely be triggering for me. Another Anxious Avoidant dance isn't good for anybody. My compassion for DAs is linked to greater compassion for myself, which seems to have grown in tandem. Having grown up with a Borderline PD mother and a Schizoid PD father never prepared me to have any self-compassion. I am working with a therapist currently and she often gives me homework to complete between sessions. I am compulsive about completing every assignment but recently struggled when she asked me to create some self-affirming statements to focus on. It was one of the hardest writing assignments I have had to ever deal with. I finally completed the exercise but what I came up with felt completely phony and like none of the statements applied to me at all. Applicable to other people, but not to me. I never realized quite how harsh I am with myself. I think some of this harsh judgementalism carries over to how I view others too. I never really saw myself as such a judgmental person and this experience was very eye-opening for me. The most helpful recovery tool for me so far is reading this Forum. I feel like I am in a huge group therapy process, with some members insecure in the way that I am, some insecure in other ways and with many members further along the growth process towards Secure than I am.
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Post by introvert on May 23, 2022 2:35:47 GMT
I have been reading a lot of threads on this Forum and I'm feeling pretty overwhelmed-seeing how far I have to go to becoming more Secure. Reading the Forum I have developed more compassion for DAs and how they developed their style and what their experience of relationships and life, in general, is like for them. I still wouldn't knowingly get involved with a DA since, unless they are a very mild version, would likely be triggering for me. Another Anxious Avoidant dance isn't good for anybody. My compassion for DAs is linked to greater compassion for myself, which seems to have grown in tandem. Having grown up with a Borderline PD mother and a Schizoid PD father never prepared me to have any self-compassion. I am working with a therapist currently and she often gives me homework to complete between sessions. I am compulsive about completing every assignment but recently struggled when she asked me to create some self-affirming statements to focus on. It was one of the hardest writing assignments I have had to ever deal with. I finally completed the exercise but what I came up with felt completely phony and like none of the statements applied to me at all. Applicable to other people, but not to me. I never realized quite how harsh I am with myself. I think some of this harsh judgementalism carries over to how I view others too. I never really saw myself as such a judgmental person and this experience was very eye-opening for me. The most helpful recovery tool for me so far is reading this Forum. I feel like I am in a huge group therapy process, with some members insecure in the way that I am, some insecure in other ways and with many members further along the growth process towards Secure than I am. Hi Ron, and welcome! I've been focusing on transforming my own inner critic, and I've posted a couple threads in the DA forum about that. Maybe give one of those exercises a shot, I found them so helpful. One is from a site called Compassionate Mind or something like that... it was great. I'll tag you. |
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ron
New Member
Posts: 17
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Post by ron on May 23, 2022 3:05:52 GMT
Thanks Introvert, I look forward to reading the threads you mentioned! I do a Loving Kindness Compassion daily meditation and I am looking for additional exercises to help me in this area  |
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Post by tnr9 on May 23, 2022 16:25:29 GMT
I have been reading a lot of threads on this Forum and I'm feeling pretty overwhelmed-seeing how far I have to go to becoming more Secure. Reading the Forum I have developed more compassion for DAs and how they developed their style and what their experience of relationships and life, in general, is like for them. I still wouldn't knowingly get involved with a DA since, unless they are a very mild version, would likely be triggering for me. Another Anxious Avoidant dance isn't good for anybody. My compassion for DAs is linked to greater compassion for myself, which seems to have grown in tandem. Having grown up with a Borderline PD mother and a Schizoid PD father never prepared me to have any self-compassion. I am working with a therapist currently and she often gives me homework to complete between sessions. I am compulsive about completing every assignment but recently struggled when she asked me to create some self-affirming statements to focus on. It was one of the hardest writing assignments I have had to ever deal with. I finally completed the exercise but what I came up with felt completely phony and like none of the statements applied to me at all. Applicable to other people, but not to me. I never realized quite how harsh I am with myself. I think some of this harsh judgementalism carries over to how I view others too. I never really saw myself as such a judgmental person and this experience was very eye-opening for me. The most helpful recovery tool for me so far is reading this Forum. I feel like I am in a huge group therapy process, with some members insecure in the way that I am, some insecure in other ways and with many members further along the growth process towards Secure than I am. Hey Ron…..I am FA and becoming secure isn’t my “goal”…my goal is simply to trend in a more secure direction. The way I do that is to write 1 or 2 behaviors I would like to work on. I don’t pick attributes that are really hard to change but ones which I feel I will have success in moving the needle. Then I track week to week how I am doing….I notice both steps forward and steps backwards but just note them. After 6 months…I look back to see how much progress I have made and decide if I want to keep working on those 2 behaviors or pick new ones. This keeps it all reasonable and I have a better chance of not giving up and not feeling overwhelmed because the goals are much smaller. Some behaviors I have worked on include….1. Recognizing when I am feeling stressed and choosing to do breathing exercises instead of calling my mom. 2. Notice when my body feels numb and do a body scan (basically awaken my body so that I am better able to know where I end and another person begins. 3. When I am on the road…use the halt method….do not react to others when I am hungry, angry, lonely or tired. 4. Get a full night’s rest by turning off the tv, social media at 9 pm. 5. Acknowledge when I feel sad or depressed and let myself just feel those emotions without judgement. The point is…even if I never fully achieve earned secure…I feel and behave so much more authentic then I used to and that has been wonderful. I wish you all the best on your journey. |
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ron
New Member
Posts: 17
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Post by ron on May 23, 2022 19:38:09 GMT
I have been reading a lot of threads on this Forum and I'm feeling pretty overwhelmed-seeing how far I have to go to becoming more Secure. Reading the Forum I have developed more compassion for DAs and how they developed their style and what their experience of relationships and life, in general, is like for them. I still wouldn't knowingly get involved with a DA since, unless they are a very mild version, would likely be triggering for me. Another Anxious Avoidant dance isn't good for anybody. My compassion for DAs is linked to greater compassion for myself, which seems to have grown in tandem. Having grown up with a Borderline PD mother and a Schizoid PD father never prepared me to have any self-compassion. I am working with a therapist currently and she often gives me homework to complete between sessions. I am compulsive about completing every assignment but recently struggled when she asked me to create some self-affirming statements to focus on. It was one of the hardest writing assignments I have had to ever deal with. I finally completed the exercise but what I came up with felt completely phony and like none of the statements applied to me at all. Applicable to other people, but not to me. I never realized quite how harsh I am with myself. I think some of this harsh judgementalism carries over to how I view others too. I never really saw myself as such a judgmental person and this experience was very eye-opening for me. The most helpful recovery tool for me so far is reading this Forum. I feel like I am in a huge group therapy process, with some members insecure in the way that I am, some insecure in other ways and with many members further along the growth process towards Secure than I am. Hey Ron…..I am FA and becoming secure isn’t my “goal”…my goal is simply to trend in a more secure direction. The way I do that is to write 1 or 2 behaviors I would like to work on. I don’t pick attributes that are really hard to change but ones which I feel I will have success in moving the needle. Then I track week to week how I am doing….I notice both steps forward and steps backwards but just note them. After 6 months…I look back to see how much progress I have made and decide if I want to keep working on those 2 behaviors or pick new ones. This keeps it all reasonable and I have a better chance of not giving up and not feeling overwhelmed because the goals are much smaller. Some behaviors I have worked on include….1. Recognizing when I am feeling stressed and choosing to do breathing exercises instead of calling my mom. 2. Notice when my body feels numb and do a body scan (basically awaken my body so that I am better able to know where I end and another person begins. 3. When I am on the road…use the halt method….do not react to others when I am hungry, angry, lonely or tired. 4. Get a full night’s rest by turning off the tv, social media at 9 pm. 5. Acknowledge when I feel sad or depressed and let myself just feel those emotions without judgement. The point is…even if I never fully achieve earned secure…I feel and behave so much more authentic then I used to and that has been wonderful. I wish you all the best on your journey. I agree with you tr9 that it makes much more sense to focus on my incremental progress than it does on reaching Earned Secure, since I have no way of knowing how long that would take, and I can only take my journey one step at a time regardless. I really like your idea of limiting my focus to 2 relatively easy behaviors at a time and checking progress weekly and at 6 month intervals. This seems like it would increase progress and prevent scattering my efforts and ending up feeling overwhelmed, as I have felt recently. I am going to try this approach out. Thanks for your input and good suggestions! |
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