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Post by introvert on Jul 15, 2022 3:08:37 GMT
You bet! And even if the confrontation happened in private, if she felt embarrassed or attacked (her perception) and she's not into trying to maintain a connection (avoidants aren't) then she's going to do what unavailable people do. And it hurts someone who wants a connection. I love the old standby phrase: "We wanted different things." So simple, so pure. And of all people to contact me today. A group of friends was meeting near my house. They didn't let me know? (I guess they figured I was working, etc). And she reached out. That went a long way for me. We didn't even get to talk since I could only be there for 30 minutes or so and ended up needing to chat with someone there about something more pressing, but as we were leaving, I talked to her about something light and it felt nice -- But man it is so so tough on me when I feel like "somethings wrong" with a connection, again I know it's trauma based, but it's such an immense "all is right in the world" that I really don't consciously think about -- more that it's automatic. I guess welcome to anxious attachment, geez! So, I'm confused. All the complaints you made about her, was that just you being dysregulated? Or do you really think of her as the person you have described (entitled and doing the easy thing while taking advantage of your hard work, without contributing much etc etc). Does all that go away because she reached out? What happens next? |
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Post by seeking on Jul 17, 2022 1:28:29 GMT
So, I'm confused. All the complaints you made about her, was that just you being dysregulated? Or do you really think of her as the person you have described (entitled and doing the easy thing while taking advantage of your hard work, without contributing much etc etc). Does all that go away because she reached out? What happens next? Good catch. I don't actually know. I guess I'm "in my stuff" here as they say. |
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Post by seeking on Jul 17, 2022 1:31:45 GMT
I think it just turns out that I think I'm always the "sensitive one" the "borderline-ish" one so I put it on me that I'm sure it was just me. I never really know how to draw a boundary with someone unless they are very overt. Passive, avoidant, a little negligent, non-committal - sort of the more subtle stuff, has me confused and blaming myself usually.
Even with people who can be more overt, it takes me a while to make sure it's "them and not me" and I have "evidence" (i.e., for instance other people's validation or witness) before I cut someone off or end it or withdraw. Even then I have to remind myself, like Oh wait, yeah, they did that thing - hard no.
But this doesn't have hard lines - it might just be me making it up kind of thing, perceiving things the wrong way, etc. <---- that's the typical way in which I get "confused," and this sort of thing happens.
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Post by usernametaken on Jul 17, 2022 3:05:30 GMT
So, I'm confused. All the complaints you made about her, was that just you being dysregulated? Or do you really think of her as the person you have described (entitled and doing the easy thing while taking advantage of your hard work, without contributing much etc etc). Does all that go away because she reached out? What happens next? Good catch. I don't actually know. I guess I'm "in my stuff" here as they say. Both can be true. I feel we may be alike that when someone hurts us if the connection is broken it magnifies the hurt. Then when they repair it we feel so relieved that hurt feels a lot less and like oh well, I'll get over it. |
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Post by introvert on Jul 17, 2022 4:59:21 GMT
I think it just turns out that I think I'm always the "sensitive one" the "borderline-ish" one so I put it on me that I'm sure it was just me. I never really know how to draw a boundary with someone unless they are very overt. Passive, avoidant, a little negligent, non-committal - sort of the more subtle stuff, has me confused and blaming myself usually. Even with people who can be more overt, it takes me a while to make sure it's "them and not me" and I have "evidence" (i.e., for instance other people's validation or witness) before I cut someone off or end it or withdraw. Even then I have to remind myself, like Oh wait, yeah, they did that thing - hard no. But this doesn't have hard lines - it might just be me making it up kind of thing, perceiving things the wrong way, etc. <---- that's the typical way in which I get "confused," and this sort of thing happens. I've seen you refer to your instincts/intuition a few times. And that you usually just trust them. But in this post, I see you making assumptions based on a hunch, about her and what she'd say in an imaginary conversation, how she would react. I don't think that is fair, either to her or to yourself, to mind read and call it intuition. Especially when you're triggered, Id hit the pause button on accepting hunches. I'm not knocking intuition because I'm intuitive myself. But without having clear, secure communication, you are making assumptions out of fear of being dismissed. That's not intuition, it's insecure fear. It's possible that you even develop a fear that you decide is intuition or a hunch, then read things into situations using confirmation bias. That happens to people. It just creates more suffering. What seems clear is that you don't have enough information, you're a little back and forth in your head about it, and you haven't offered her an opportunity to clarify anything for you. Secure relating includes asking questions and starting difficult conversations. I know it's vulnerable and triggering, but maybe spend some time with that and find out how you can take good care of yourself by opening doors of communication. Im suggesting it because this obviously causes you some distress that maybe could be relieved by communicating with your friend about them. She isn't your sister, or your family. You may be reading her with bias, or she may truly be uncomfortable with you for some reason, and knowing what the truth is could set you both free from some stress. If a conversation asking about a change you've noticed is too uncomfortable, for either one of you, then the relationship is probably destined to be awkward and uncertain. Just a few thoughts, take them or leave them .  |
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Post by introvert on Jul 17, 2022 13:58:42 GMT
What I've found to be one of the most important aspects of secure relating, is eliminating false perceptions and projections. These are eliminated through a variety of means... through healing attachment wounds and instinctive self protective reactions, through conscious behavior changes, through developing positive actions of self care, etc etc.
Insecurity is founded in faulty perception- the perception that the self and others are as we've come to expect through previous experiences. Insecure relating relies upon pattern, not necessarily upon reality, to inform the heart and mind. Patterned expectations, patterned fears, patterned perceptions patterned reactions.
Stepping out of insecure relating means recognizing that and gradually putting a halt to patterns in one's own perceptions (of self and others) and making effort to discover the reality of self and another person.
This involves pausing, recognizing the pattern taking place, and rather than going with it, actually questioning it. If you don't become skeptical of the pattern and pause it, it will continue with you as a passenger. You have to stop, recognize, and take different thought actions and different external actions.
Question the story internally, and question the story externally. Have the conversations, that are difficult to have. Growing into secure relating involves risks... the risks that what you believe to be true (fearfully) may be true. And if it is? Then you take internal and external steps to take care of your self.
So if you question your internal patterned narrative, and ask the other person involved if the story you are telling yourself is true, and it IS... then you also have to take internal and external action to help yourself through that.
Say you have the hard conversation, the one that is questioning your narrative... and you get dismissed.
That's when you pay attention to your patterned internal response (shame, blaming the self, emotional anguish) and you question ThAT, pause, and introduce new words and responses to your self. You can take external action by creating boundaries to protect yourself from the confirmed reality.
But if you don't actually question the narrative and just rely on the emotional push pull inside yourself, then you are just stuck in the loop. When she is less interactive, you will tell yourself the same obsessive story. You will feel critical of her, and interpret her negatively. Then if she simply reaches out, it will regulate you and all will be right with the world. In this pattern, someone else is in control of your internal experience and you are just riding the insecure roller coaster.
My boyfriend and I have had to develop a whole new skill set of asking instead of assuming, being vulnerable around our assumptions and allowing the other to speak their truth instead of insecurely assuming it. It's been a painful and confusing process to build this and we still work on it. But the work is paying off... FAR fewer insecure emotional calamities take place. And if one begins to arise, we can take care of it much sooner, and repair.
If you are uncomfortable it's up to you to speak up, rather than try to come to conclusions on your own with a negative, fear based bias. The other person may not align with your assumptions at all, may not even be uncomfortable! They may not have much to actually talk about, they may see nothing the way that you do. They may or may not be harboring resentment. The only way to know is to ask and listen to their truth. They may not be able to articulate it, based on where they are on their own process. But we as insecures growing need to be aware of the tendency to assume other people's minds. We have to allow them an opportunity to speak their own minds before we take over with our own internal patterns.
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Post by introvert on Jul 17, 2022 15:28:01 GMT
In my opinion, it's far more vulnerable to initiate a conversation asking if you've hurt someone, than to initiate a conversation confronting them about how they've hurt you. If you avoid doing that, then it could be said that you're taking the easy way out, doing what's easier. I get that itsm's not emotionally easy... but it's passive and not assertive, it's insecure behavior and not empowered. It's just self protective. Which could be fine if you were trapped in your own head with confusion and negative beliefs.
So really, being secure is not just about setting boundaries. It's also about asking for help and support when you need it. With tasks, logistical loads, and emotional difficulty. And if someone is unable to respond empathetically or sympathetically to your ask, to your vulnerability, then you have an imbalanced relationship and decisions about that reality are in order. All of it takes conscious choices to find the healthy way forward.
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Post by seeking on Jul 17, 2022 16:09:58 GMT
Good catch. I don't actually know. I guess I'm "in my stuff" here as they say. Both can be true. I feel we may be alike that when someone hurts us if the connection is broken it magnifies the hurt. Then when they repair it we feel so relieved that hurt feels a lot less and like oh well, I'll get over it. This made me cry. So yes. Like my sister is really not a safe person for me. But if she were to act really nice or do something I hope she would do, I'd probably let it all go. And feel like "the world made sense again." It's that complex relational PTSD - no human wants to feel betrayed by their own blood or people they've come to put trust into (repeatedly). Eventually, like a child, you blame yourself - that's your locus of control. "It must be me." And that's what I'll do, unless, like I said - I have hard evidence that it's not (someone physically struck me, they were verifiably abusive, etc) then I've learned to not go back (even though *that* was not always the case, sadly). |
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Post by seeking on Jul 17, 2022 19:22:09 GMT
In my opinion, it's far more vulnerable to initiate a conversation asking if you've hurt someone, than to initiate a conversation confronting them about how they've hurt you. If you avoid doing that, then it could be said that you're taking the easy way out, doing what's easier. I get that itsm's not emotionally easy... but it's passive and not assertive, it's insecure behavior and not empowered. It's just self protective. Which could be fine if you were trapped in your own head with confusion and negative beliefs. So really, being secure is not just about setting boundaries. It's also about asking for help and support when you need it. With tasks, logistical loads, and emotional difficulty. And if someone is unable to respond empathetically or sympathetically to your ask, to your vulnerability, then you have an imbalanced relationship and decisions about that reality are in order. All of it takes conscious choices to find the healthy way forward. I get this. I've done this. I can do this with my close friends. I already said that it wouldn't make sense for the friend in question or, like, my sister. They would deny it. I know this from experience. Then I end up looking even more "needy" or "weird" to an avoidant and I think they avoid more. They don't want that kind of closeness/intimacy. I could be wrong, but that's just my experience. And maybe there are parts of them that appreciate it. But it gives me the feeling that they are like "God, what does she want now?" like I'm starting drama. I don't say this from a place of "intuiting" it but from living it. |
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Post by seeking on Jul 17, 2022 19:24:18 GMT
And even if someone like my sister were to receive that, she'd prob go off on all the ways I wronged her, and I'm not really in a place to repair anything with her. I'm sure she'd be the first to tell me all the things I do wrong; she has very little self-reflection/ability to own her own stuff.
The average friend though, this is not a problem with.
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Post by seeking on Jul 17, 2022 19:26:58 GMT
Case in point - I just thought of this - but a friend called me the other day and only had a short while to talk - I caught her up on something major (that she knew about) (the fact that we have to move - again) and then we had 5 minutes and she was venting about her mom and had to go, and the next time we talked, I said "I'm sorry if I didn't leave enough room for that in our convo. If you were calling to get some support about your mom and I blathered on about my house." And she was like, "Nope! I wasn't calling for any reason, just to say hi and it's all fine." That's normal for me.
But lots of people I find can't interact like that. They're all "huh? what are you talking about?" Like that would be too much intimacy for them already.
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