Difficult to cope with partner/Breakup (UPDATE)

Thank you for answering. I am mostly okay when he is available. I want us to sit down and talk. I want to express what I need, that is seeing each other a bit more frequently, which is at least a video call now and then, since I am not physically there atm. My perspective? I don’t know. I love him honestly so much that it feels like my perspective is put behind. I know this is not healthy. I am so sad with all this. I am putting so much effort. I am tired.

What's difficult here is, it doesn't matter if he has feelings for you and is scared and confused. That is actually irrelevant in the bigger picture. He cannot show up for you. You are someone who is managing BPD, so it will add to your struggles immensely to have a romantic partner who won't commit and who mocks emotions. It isn't enough to "correct" your own behavior to not be clingy. You need to choose someone who wants a relationship and is emotionally mature and healthy enough to handle it, not someone who personifies all your deepest fears! If he's not capable of committing and he's struggling so much with handling his own emotions in a healthy way that you're not allowed to have any or you get mocked... what satisfying foundation can there be to build an enduring relationship?

You have taken the right initial steps in looking at this: you know it is nothing personal and he has his own issues. That is good, because it is true! It is not about you. Any person who says in early dating that they've lost feelings, they are not good enough for you, and cannot answer simple questions about how they feel or communicate with you well isn't ready to be a good partner. That has nothing to do with you, isn't your fault, you didn't cause it and you unfortunately can't change it. You're trying to find a way to safely communicate your feelings with someone who keeps showing you over and over that they aren't safe. That is why you are struggling so much with the situation.

I notice you said this has been your most stable relationship, though it was only stable for 3 weeks (during which you barely knew each other yet). Part of the problem here is your baseline expectations are messed up. This is not a stable or healthy situation that will make for a good romantic partnership. This is a mess, and one that he's not going to be able to work through with you because he's a mess. You've been in therapy and doing all this heavy lifting, and you're simply not on the same level because he lacks the skills you've learned.

If you can speak with your therapist about how you can objectively look at emotions, that may help here. Emotions can be overwhelming (especially for someone with BPD) and seem like the TRUTH. But they are actually a guide and a tool in themselves to help us. You love this man, you're very attached, you want what's best for him and for yourself too, hopefully. But it isn't enough because the relationship isn't working and never got off the ground in the first place. So that may mean sorting through these emotions, and what they are actually telling you: he is a special person to you but he triggers your fears of abandonment. He is not ready for the good relationship that you deserve. He can be loveable but that does not mean you should be romantic partners because a healthy partner will add to your life, not drain you. It is okay to wish him well and try to move on with your life.

Hey all again,

alexandra, thanks for the long answer. It’s not a 3-week thing, you might have been confused, I am sorry for that. It’s been like that for 5 months. The first three weeks were the honeymoon phase. He triggers me bad but when he “decides” to be sweet he is the sweetest. I am struggling to believe it is not my fault. I had a panic attack a few hours ago on a ship. I am trying to cope. It is hard. I am also triggered by distance. It would have been so much easier if I hadn’t left. I miss him so much.

usernametaken I will definitely check this out, thank you!

I cannot really picture myself with anyone else when I am in love. This is bad of course but right now this is the person I chose and I think he might have chosen me as well. Maybe I am asking for too much? I am starting doubting myself here. Maybe this is not normal on my part. Maybe this is how things should be…?

i know your reply was to alexandra, but i was curious why you would think this is your own fault?  blame only complicates things anyway (in my opinion).  what if things are just what they are, and people are just who they are, and no one is to blame?

and are you sure you would be ok with someone who only "decides" to treat you well sometimes, when they feel like it ?  what about your feelings? 

Could someone please move the thread to FA? I have no idea
How to do it