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Post by elizabeth on Jul 18, 2022 16:26:32 GMT
hi!
i am just wondering - what about what YOU want and need? is all of this confusion ok with you? what if he never makes a decision or is incapable of being clear and straightforward with you about his own wants and needs? it seems like you are letting him drive, which i get, because you are trying to be respectful of his perspective, however, what if your own perspective is getting lost in all this?
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io90
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Post by io90 on Jul 18, 2022 17:18:38 GMT
hi! i am just wondering - what about what YOU want and need? is all of this confusion ok with you? what if he never makes a decision or is incapable of being clear and straightforward with you about his own wants and needs? it seems like you are letting him drive, which i get, because you are trying to be respectful of his perspective, however, what if your own perspective is getting lost in all this? Thank you for answering. I am mostly okay when he is available. I want us to sit down and talk. I want to express what I need, that is seeing each other a bit more frequently, which is at least a video call now and then, since I am not physically there atm. My perspective? I don’t know. I love him honestly so much that it feels like my perspective is put behind. I know this is not healthy. I am so sad with all this. I am putting so much effort. I am tired.
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Post by elizabeth on Jul 18, 2022 19:27:05 GMT
hi! i am just wondering - what about what YOU want and need? is all of this confusion ok with you? what if he never makes a decision or is incapable of being clear and straightforward with you about his own wants and needs? it seems like you are letting him drive, which i get, because you are trying to be respectful of his perspective, however, what if your own perspective is getting lost in all this? Thank you for answering. I am mostly okay when he is available. I want us to sit down and talk. I want to express what I need, that is seeing each other a bit more frequently, which is at least a video call now and then, since I am not physically there atm. My perspective? I don’t know. I love him honestly so much that it feels like my perspective is put behind. I know this is not healthy. I am so sad with all this. I am putting so much effort. I am tired. At least it is a start that you can recognise it is not a healthy dynamic. As you say, you are putting in so much effort, but it seems without a care to your own well being and your own needs and desires. What are you going to do if he cannot fulfil them? No wonder you are tired. Do you believe that having someone to love is worth abandoning your own well being? Does it have to be this guy no matter what? Can you visualise yourself in a relationship with someone who is clear and straightforward about their feelings for you? Do you feel like that is an impossibility?
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Post by alexandra on Jul 18, 2022 19:54:19 GMT
What's difficult here is, it doesn't matter if he has feelings for you and is scared and confused. That is actually irrelevant in the bigger picture. He cannot show up for you. You are someone who is managing BPD, so it will add to your struggles immensely to have a romantic partner who won't commit and who mocks emotions. It isn't enough to "correct" your own behavior to not be clingy. You need to choose someone who wants a relationship and is emotionally mature and healthy enough to handle it, not someone who personifies all your deepest fears! If he's not capable of committing and he's struggling so much with handling his own emotions in a healthy way that you're not allowed to have any or you get mocked... what satisfying foundation can there be to build an enduring relationship?
You have taken the right initial steps in looking at this: you know it is nothing personal and he has his own issues. That is good, because it is true! It is not about you. Any person who says in early dating that they've lost feelings, they are not good enough for you, and cannot answer simple questions about how they feel or communicate with you well isn't ready to be a good partner. That has nothing to do with you, isn't your fault, you didn't cause it and you unfortunately can't change it. You're trying to find a way to safely communicate your feelings with someone who keeps showing you over and over that they aren't safe. That is why you are struggling so much with the situation.
I notice you said this has been your most stable relationship, though it was only stable for 3 weeks (during which you barely knew each other yet). Part of the problem here is your baseline expectations are messed up. This is not a stable or healthy situation that will make for a good romantic partnership. This is a mess, and one that he's not going to be able to work through with you because he's a mess. You've been in therapy and doing all this heavy lifting, and you're simply not on the same level because he lacks the skills you've learned.
If you can speak with your therapist about how you can objectively look at emotions, that may help here. Emotions can be overwhelming (especially for someone with BPD) and seem like the TRUTH. But they are actually a guide and a tool in themselves to help us. You love this man, you're very attached, you want what's best for him and for yourself too, hopefully. But it isn't enough because the relationship isn't working and never got off the ground in the first place. So that may mean sorting through these emotions, and what they are actually telling you: he is a special person to you but he triggers your fears of abandonment. He is not ready for the good relationship that you deserve. He can be loveable but that does not mean you should be romantic partners because a healthy partner will add to your life, not drain you. It is okay to wish him well and try to move on with your life.
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Post by usernametaken on Jul 18, 2022 19:56:47 GMT
I have BPD and like you am considered relatively normal by my counsellor. I am currently involved with an FA who is doing much the same things. Hot and cold. Won't let me go but won't stay close. It's really hard. You might want to go browse my dating as an FA thread because sometimes it is easier to gain perspective from seeing someone else experience something similar.
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io90
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Post by io90 on Jul 19, 2022 1:05:55 GMT
Hey all again, alexandra, thanks for the long answer. It’s not a 3-week thing, you might have been confused, I am sorry for that. It’s been like that for 5 months. The first three weeks were the honeymoon phase. He triggers me bad but when he “decides” to be sweet he is the sweetest. I am struggling to believe it is not my fault. I had a panic attack a few hours ago on a ship. I am trying to cope. It is hard. I am also triggered by distance. It would have been so much easier if I hadn’t left. I miss him so much. usernametaken I will definitely check this out, thank you!
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io90
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Post by io90 on Jul 19, 2022 1:19:00 GMT
I just think I might need to talk to him. He is not a mind reader. He should know how I feel. Maybe something along the lines “I enjoy your company and would be nice to have some video calls now and then, since I am not physically there anymore. I will be back, I am tying to, but maybe a call or two in a week would be ideal at the moment. What do you think?”
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io90
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Post by io90 on Jul 19, 2022 1:23:10 GMT
Thank you for answering. I am mostly okay when he is available. I want us to sit down and talk. I want to express what I need, that is seeing each other a bit more frequently, which is at least a video call now and then, since I am not physically there atm. My perspective? I don’t know. I love him honestly so much that it feels like my perspective is put behind. I know this is not healthy. I am so sad with all this. I am putting so much effort. I am tired. At least it is a start that you can recognise it is not a healthy dynamic. As you say, you are putting in so much effort, but it seems without a care to your own well being and your own needs and desires. What are you going to do if he cannot fulfil them? No wonder you are tired. Do you believe that having someone to love is worth abandoning your own well being? Does it have to be this guy no matter what? Can you visualise yourself in a relationship with someone who is clear and straightforward about their feelings for you? Do you feel like that is an impossibility? I cannot really picture myself with anyone else when I am in love. This is bad of course but right now this is the person I chose and I think he might have chosen me as well. Maybe I am asking for too much? I am starting doubting myself here. Maybe this is not normal on my part. Maybe this is how things should be…?
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Post by elizabeth on Jul 19, 2022 14:02:14 GMT
At least it is a start that you can recognise it is not a healthy dynamic. As you say, you are putting in so much effort, but it seems without a care to your own well being and your own needs and desires. What are you going to do if he cannot fulfil them? No wonder you are tired. Do you believe that having someone to love is worth abandoning your own well being? Does it have to be this guy no matter what? Can you visualise yourself in a relationship with someone who is clear and straightforward about their feelings for you? Do you feel like that is an impossibility? I cannot really picture myself with anyone else when I am in love. This is bad of course but right now this is the person I chose and I think he might have chosen me as well. Maybe I am asking for too much? I am starting doubting myself here. Maybe this is not normal on my part. Maybe this is how things should be…? hey, hope you are doing ok today, even though you are feeling hurt and confused and sad. when you say, you cannot picture yourself with anyone else when you are in love, the only danger i can see in this mindset is that you have to force yourself to fit into a certain sized box, that this is all or nothing, which i guess would make sense when your feelings are being entirely reciprocated, but the very last clear words you have received from him in this is that he is only comfortable with casual, and you want more. there is nothing wrong with wanting more, but i guess that is why i was asking how you would fare if he is unable or unwilling to give more? where does that leave you? i dont believe you are asking for 'too much' if you are asking for what you need and want, but ultimately sometimes we have to face that no matter how much we adore someone else, they are individuals with their own things going on and may not be able to meet our own needs, and that doesnt mean we should downplay or ignore our own needs just to be with this person, because in the long run you will likely not be happy when you are starving for the kind of love you deeply crave.
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Post by elizabeth on Jul 19, 2022 14:07:31 GMT
Hey all again, alexandra , thanks for the long answer. It’s not a 3-week thing, you might have been confused, I am sorry for that. It’s been like that for 5 months. The first three weeks were the honeymoon phase. He triggers me bad but when he “decides” to be sweet he is the sweetest. I am struggling to believe it is not my fault. I had a panic attack a few hours ago on a ship. I am trying to cope. It is hard. I am also triggered by distance. It would have been so much easier if I hadn’t left. I miss him so much. usernametaken I will definitely check this out, thank you! i know your reply was to alexandra, but i was curious why you would think this is your own fault? blame only complicates things anyway (in my opinion). what if things are just what they are, and people are just who they are, and no one is to blame? and are you sure you would be ok with someone who only "decides" to treat you well sometimes, when they feel like it ? what about your feelings?
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io90
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Post by io90 on Jul 19, 2022 18:02:16 GMT
Hey Elizabeth! Hey all! Basically I know what you say. And I understand. What I mean with “my fault”: It is me who is always ahead emotionally, since I am a BPD. I need to start regulating emotions again (started with my medication as of late). I should stop being impulsive and self-destructive. And this is not only about him, it is above all for my own good. Today it is much better I have to admit. In all aspects. I feel more secure and confident. And I am trying to build a future, too. Planing and scheduling is something I do as a person to sooth myself. It helps a lot for me to cope when things are unstable. And I am not talking about him, I am planing my future anyway. This is what we call healthy adult mode in schema therapy. Though honestly there always has to be something for me to freak out - but this is for a different forum 
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io90
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Post by io90 on Sept 4, 2022 9:47:05 GMT
Could someone please move the thread to FA? I have no idea How to do it
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io90
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Post by io90 on Sept 5, 2022 0:29:15 GMT
Hey, I deleted my initial posting by mistake. I feel bad now. I am very sorry. I would appreciate it if the admin closed the thread. I already posted to the FA section. Apologies again
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