|
|
Post by learningalongtheway on Dec 13, 2017 22:00:48 GMT
Even APs (subconsciously) know there is such a thing as emotional pressure. If there weren't, wouldn't all APs be in relationships with each other? Experiencing emotional bliss? Actually, Jeb Kinnison's post on this ( jebkinnison.com/2014/05/05/attachment-type-combinations-in-relationships/amp/ ) suggests that AP pairings tend to fall apart due to not being great at anticipating the needs of the other, while greatly focused on sensing their own. I'm sure that's one aspect but he also says this about APs: "They feel they must always prove themselves and act to keep your interest—they want constant interaction, constant touch and reassurance, which other types can find maddening. As long as they are getting the attention they want, they will let their partner get away with being difficult in other ways—even negative attention is keeping the touch game going. If their relationships last, it is often because they have found a partner whose insecurities dovetail with theirs, who will participate in a dysfunctional game similar to what they were raised with. While the preoccupied have strong feelings and can discuss them when calm, their feelings are centered around their needs for attention and the failures of others to provide it on demand. They commonly blame others for not understanding their feelings and needs while not feeling safe enough in the relationship to describe them openly. They want to merge with their partner, so this type is prone to codependence—a dysfunctional mutual dependence where neither partner matures further. They are profoundly disturbed by and resist even short separations. The single Preoccupied badly wants a partner and spends a lot of time feeling lonely." linkI think that's exactly the point, an AP is creating emotional pressure because their actions revolve around getting the partner to meet their emotional needs/relieve their anxiety, and this greatly outstrips the AP's ability to make small changes that would meet the needs of their partner. "Timing, how much, and presentation" matter between people, and not catering to these individual differences, creates emotional pressure. |
|
|
|
Post by Jaeger on Dec 13, 2017 22:18:07 GMT
I think that's exactly the point, an AP is creating emotional pressure because their actions revolve around getting the partner to meet their emotional needs/relieve their anxiety, and this greatly outstrips the AP's ability to make small changes that would meet the needs of their partner. "Timing, how much, and presentation" matter between people, and not catering to these individual differences, creates emotional pressure. I get the feeling that we're saying largely the same thing. To keep it in the words of the post, "Timing, how much, and presentation" definitely matter. The point I was trying to make is that I think the specifics of those factors that we agree are needed differ largely for the different attachment styles and to a much lesser degree even within individual styles. Behaviour that is generally experienced as pressure by an avoidant is not necessarily experienced as pressure by a secure, and the same goes for the anxious. I think the thresholds between all attachment styles differ quite a lot. |
|
|
|
Post by tnr9 on Dec 14, 2017 3:06:54 GMT
Hi all...I am new here...and I am really curious. I see so many people post who have been in relationships with DAs that did not work out...but I would love to understand from the DAs on this board what you feel you need in order to build a long lasting relationship. Thank you you so much in advance for replying. I think APs really need to be honest with themselves about their needs and communicate that to their prospective partner. I know a lot of APs that aren't really aware of what they need. For example, when I first started dating my ex, he mentioned that he "hates overly emotional people". Yet, throughout the relationship, the only time he acknowledged my feelings was when there was an overt display of emotion. Simply telling him how I felt usually meant nothing to him. Of course, ironically, the more calm I tried to be when he had emotional outbursts, the more he viewed me as " uncaring" about how he felt "empathetic" etc. I've realized that he just hated the fact he couldn't control his emotions, which attracted him to someone who was avoidant (me), but he didn't really understand/acknowledge that he WANTS dramatic emotional displays. He would often pick fights to try to make me angry, and admitted to feeding me a lot of alcohol to get me to be more emotional. Second, and tying in with my first point, I think the partner just has to have a lot of patience. Remember where the avoidant is starting from in terms of their ability to communicate and rely on people and measure progress from there, instead of expecting them to change because you bought them flowers on something. Like a dog that grew up wild or in the streets, you wouldn't expect it to immediately trust you or rely on you compared to a dog that's raised in a home. Don't try to manipulate the DA in getting the emotional display you want. If you're AP and that definitely you need, date another person simultaneously, or just don't date DAs. I've already written about this extensively in other posts. - Secures are good at inviting people in to share their thoughts/feeling rather than demanding them
- When the DA does share their feeling, secures don't take it personally if its not what they wanted to hear. ex. the partner saying I'm not ready to do XYZ doesn't trigger emotional outbursts
- Secures are comfortable getting reassurance from people other than their partner
- Secures don't "dump" all their emotions/feelings onto one person
Those area few points but I honestly don't think I can even answer this question at stage in my life. Maybe a DA who is in a successful relationship can. For me, I realize that I will never be able to meet a persons relationship needs, because many people don't even know what their needs are, or they expect a single person to meet them (which is impossible), and because I'm avoidant. And I've learned that when people don't get their needs met they resort to slander, manipulation, and verbal abuse as "punishments". Therefore, I honestly cannot even imagine myself in a relationship, let alone along term healthy one.
Thank you for sharing. I appreciate the honestly that you have portrayed and I am sorry that your ex AP was unable to see where he was expecting you to be different from who you are. I think part of the problem for me is trying to understand DAs is like trying to understand Braille.....it is an 180 shift in perspective from where I come from. I am learning however....for instance, I used to take my mom's time boundary personally and I would get resentful at her limited time that she had for me...I would often also....treat that boundary as if it wasn't as important as my need for reassurance. I see now that her boundary with time is to her the same as my need for reassurance. I am trying to be better at sensing when she is about to shut down and end the conversation there. I think Mary really shined a light for me regarding boundaries and needs. Grateful to both of you for being here. |
|
|
|
Post by tnr9 on Dec 14, 2017 3:24:53 GMT
Regarding expressing "needs" to potential partners....one thing that I want to say regarding this from my perspective is.....expressing my needs as a child was met with a lot of negative responses. Both my parents displayed DA attachment with me so I have learned that expressing my needs does not usually result in having those needs met. So instead...I try to give my partner what I want in a relationship...which is oftentimes received by my DA partners as smothering/ needy behaviors. Meanwhile....I am interpreting all my DA parter' boundaries as abandonment/rejection. So this is where my work is.....to continue to acknowledge that my needs are as legitimate (and speak to them) as my partners...be it their needs or boundaries.
|
|
