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Post by alexandra on Aug 22, 2022 19:52:58 GMT
Time will tell if he meant what he said, but it also doesn't matter. He's not ready or willing, and after a year and a half, that's more than enough time for an emotionally healthy person to know how they feel about you and show you they can show up when the going gets tough. He is not, which is not fair to you, so waiting around will be a waste of your time. If you are secure, it will still hurt because breakups, loss, change, and transition still are painful, but you will recognize that this is not a reflection on you and the why doesn't matter. The outcome, that he cannot show up for the relationship you want and deserve, is what matters. In addition, my question for you is, why wouldn't you believe him? Why do you think this is an excuse in a way that reflects negatively on you? He was in distress, he even had physical signs of anxiety. FA is complicated and the result of trauma, and some can't even recognize they are emotionally unavailable for a relationship or communicate that. And it explains, though doesn't excuse, him breaking up with you after a year over text instead of in person, and him taking so long to tell you where he's at. Though FA are disconnected from self, as are all insecure types, so he may not have realized it until more serious commitment was on the table. You can't do anything about his issues though, unfortunately. |
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Post by anne12 on Aug 23, 2022 10:16:02 GMT
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Post by introvert on Aug 23, 2022 15:07:11 GMT
What do you mean, saying he was aloof?
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Post by alexandra on Aug 23, 2022 18:40:04 GMT
Is it true that once activated FA has a strong urge to go through the motions of breaking up with their partner in order to get relief? Does it matter if the FA is still in love with their partner? Yes. This has little or nothing to do with you and everything to do with their baggage and conditioning to distrust both others and self. FA upbringings are chaotic and they learn that the people they love and are attached to can hurt them unexpectedly, they can't receive healthy love, and they are scared of intimacy as a result. I’m happy that he wants to work on himself, however, does it make more sense for the FA to do the work on their own rather than being in a relationship? So yes, for the reasons I listed above, he needs to do probably years of therapy and work on his own before he can show up for himself in a healthy way. Only then can he also start to show up committed and healthy for a partner as well. While the feelings and love are still so strong between the two of us, is it realistic to be friends? Being friends right now won't be healthy for you until you've processed the pain of the breakup and started to move on. As long as you still want to repair the romantic relationship, you will be torturing yourself. Give yourself space for a few months before making any decisions about revisiting a friendship. I trusted him fully. The sudden ‘discard’ sent me into total confusion and tbh I’m not sure I can ever trust anyone again after this. This is where your feelings are telling you you may have some self work to do. Someone fully secure can recognize that one person breaking your trust should not be projected onto new people in the future who are totally different. The takeaway lesson here is not that you can't trust other people. It is that most people with an insecure attachment style who are unaware or have not started addressing their trauma will have trust issues themselves that will come out in the relationship. They may want to be in a long term, emotionally healthy and mature relationship, but they also may not be ready or able yet. Other people you meet will have taken initiative to start handle their issues and manage them or even fully heal, or maybe they were lucky enough to have always been secure and not have had to struggle at all. There's no reason to approach people as unable to be trusted. It is okay to approach people as curious and letting them show you over long periods of time if you can trust them or not. Attachment issues can take a year or two to fully impact a relationship and obviously show up, because it can take that long for someone's nervous system to start to see a partner as a permanent fixture. Which may then trigger their intimacy and and engulfment fears. |
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Post by introvert on Aug 23, 2022 22:42:27 GMT
He is an introvert. He has trouble discussing deep personal issues. He prefers people opening up while he keeps his cards close to his chest. He is very secretive and he would never leave his mobile unattended. Are all these typical FA behaviour? I believe everyone comes to our life as a teacher. I do not intend to go back to him but I like to learn from this experience. I see, was he otherwise consistent in contact with you, and in spending time with you? Did he keep his promises, follow through on things, and indicate that you were a priority? Just trying to get a sense of the relationship as the only real description we have is that you were spending time having fun and loving each other like teenagers, and I'm not sure what that means. Was the relationship conducted in a mature way that would indicate growing commitment and progression, before yoh brought it up, or was it more fun, less emotionally intimate, more casual less serious in terms of actions being taken to stabilize and progress the relationship... |
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Post by introvert on Aug 23, 2022 22:44:22 GMT
Something I have learned to look for is reciprocity... in emotional openness, sharing, trust, communication. Men and women differ here but if you sense that someone is not comfortable sharing emotional and personal experiences, and lets you take all the risks with vulnerability while they take none , it could point toward emotional unavailability.
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Post by anne12 on Aug 24, 2022 8:00:18 GMT
If he is desorganised he needs
The desorganised
Needs that things develop slow even if they can move fast themselves
,things has to be clear,
the respect of boundaries is important to them in relationships.
If they are very desorganised they can find it difficult to feel their own and the other persons boundaries.
If they are less desorganised they can maybe feel their boundaries, but then they can doubt if their boundaries are okay
They need That there is clarity in the relationship.
No ambiguities.
Clear communication.However, they may well have problems being clear and direct themdelves
.Smalll steps
That boundaries are respected and lovingly set
Vulnerability and closeness can also be a trigger
The disorganized:
Cohesion is dangerous and scary. This activates fight flight reactions. They may panic and feel that their body just wants to run away. They can also become aggressive and lash out.
Bundaries are hard to feel and to set and they have a lot of shame. This blocks vulnerability!!!
They can share too much or their system shuts down due to shame, so that they can't share their voulnarble feelings. This happens at the instinctive level.
The desorganized teach their partner what their boundaries are and they have to make sure to get them respected. And vice versa.
They have to divide their shame into small chunks and share little by little. And the same the other way around
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Post by anne12 on Aug 24, 2022 8:23:05 GMT
If he was in survival mode - which it sound like - then he can’t use his prefrontal cortex.
When we are in survival mode, there is no room for love, because we are busy surviving. It’s the most primitive level called the instinctive level (reptile brain) that has to be healed first in therapy.
Maybe sending you a text was the best, he could do at that time ?
Also a lot of men / people, don’t like to make their partner / their ex sad, mad ect. and then it is easier to send a text, than to deal with the other persons emotions (and get in contact with their own emotions)
People with some desorganized attatchmentstyle can have a tendency to be in and switch between fight, flight, freeze, fawn reactions.
Some are more a fleer /freezer some are more a fighter..
Some goes into a shutdown and a collapse
Certan situations can also trigger these reactions (situational disorganized attatchmentstyle)
Some people can be in functional freeze for many years.
”Is it true that once activated FA has a strong urge to go through the motions of breaking up with their partner in order to get relief?“
- yes
“Does it matter if the FA is still in love with their partner?”
- no, they can end things abruptly even if they are still in love with their partner
There could be something else going on of course.
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Post by mrob on Aug 24, 2022 9:39:43 GMT
I find the whole phone thing interesting. Was it like this from the start or did it happen as you went along?
If you haven’t read one of Jeb’s books, it’s worth the time. Get yourself acquainted with the somewhat topsy-turvy thinking of the insecurely attached as opposed to secure. It’s all good to ask lots of questions, but if you have a base to start from, you’ll have a better idea.
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Post by introvert on Aug 24, 2022 13:49:57 GMT
I find the whole phone thing interesting. Was it like this from the start or did it happen as you went along? If you haven’t read one of Jeb’s books, it’s worth the time. Get yourself acquainted with the somewhat topsy-turvy thinking of the insecurely attached as opposed to secure. It’s all good to ask lots of questions, but if you have a base to start from, you’ll have a better idea. I think reasons for cell phone privacy may vary... I don't allow access to my phone by anybody and it's because I have private conversations in my messages, with friends or clients and their privacy is as important to me as mine... not that my boyfriend would snoop but as a matter of principle I protect the privacy of those I interact with. |
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Post by introvert on Aug 24, 2022 16:05:35 GMT
What kind of selfishness and lack of empathy did you experience? I'm curious because it sounds like there were some extremes in the dynamic? Very close and commuter behavior combined with selfishness and a lack of empathy? Particularly with your descriptions of hiding his phone and ending abruptly, which you describe as a discard (Id agree)- do you think he may have some strong narcissistic traits?
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Post by alexandra on Aug 24, 2022 16:25:25 GMT
I find the whole phone thing interesting. Was it like this from the start or did it happen as you went along? If you haven’t read one of Jeb’s books, it’s worth the time. Get yourself acquainted with the somewhat topsy-turvy thinking of the insecurely attached as opposed to secure. It’s all good to ask lots of questions, but if you have a base to start from, you’ll have a better idea. No I haven’t and I’d like to. What’s the name of the book? Jeb manages the forum. The main site links you to his book: www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00IW6JYV0/ |
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Post by introvert on Aug 24, 2022 16:58:59 GMT
I feel that He is not exactly narcissistic because he doesn’t enjoy hurting people, he feels guilty and painful when he sees people suffer because of his behaviour. I understand. I wasn't necessarily getting at a diagnosis for him but trying to suss out what negative relationship behaviors were evident that you may have minimized or denied the importance of. Typically I have seen that the great relationship that ends suddenly was actually fraught with difficulties that required overcompensation from the "secure" partner. Not as a way to criticize but you mentioned wanting to learn from the experience, and I would backtrack to see how the dynamic formed around some insecurities that eventually caused the collapse. I think it's rarely one sided, and that's not to blame but to understand what happened and how to work through things so it doesn't happen again. The problem isn't so much not being able to trust others as much as it is not being able to trust our own judgement, discretion, or ability to have healthy boundaries. I don't know exactly how things were between you two but there may be some things to examine in what you look for as indications of emotional availability. Again, not criticizing but you've mentioned enough here to indicate there were potentially some red flags in yourself and in him, and being able to examine whether you had your bar too low in terms of intimacy or even empathy might help you get some insight. |
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Post by mrob on Aug 25, 2022 10:10:07 GMT
Thanks alexandra. The demon time zone difference! |
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Post by alexandra on Aug 26, 2022 16:36:08 GMT
Being more secure in a dynamic with someone who is not secure doesn't necessarily make you secure. It just makes you more secure relative to the other person. Have you taken any attachment style assessments? This is a good free quick one for starters that I have found to be accurate: www.web-research-design.net/cgi-bin/crq/crq.plChoose option B, and you can leave any demographic information questions blank if you'd like. (Option A works too but is much longer and requires an email address in case you want to observe any changes to your style repeatedly over time.) |
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