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Post by iz42 on Aug 30, 2022 19:49:57 GMT
I hope you're all doing well. It's been a while since I last posted. I've been with my boyfriend for around 14 months now. It's been a very positive experience overall. I have done a lot of work on my own attachment and have become much more secure than I was before (I was AP in my last relationship). I feel like I'm able to be vulnerable with him in a way that I've never been before. I communicate in a more secure and direct way and I'm able to set boundaries. We have fun together and enjoy each others' company. He's supportive and not threatened by my accomplishments. In general I feel like our dynamic is pretty reciprocal.
That said, we both have ADHD and we both struggle with emotional regulation and rejection sensitivity. And although he seems secure in most ways, some avoidant tendencies have started to surface as things have progressed. To back up a little, I initially believed he was secure because he had no trouble committing to me. He has been fully "in" the relationship since we decided to be exclusive. I have never questioned his level of commitment. He regularly communicates that he loves me and wants to be serious with me. Not in a love bomb-y way, just in a nice slowly-growing-closeness way. While he isn't the best texter, he is mostly consistent with his communication and he makes an effort in that regard. He always does his best to adjust and meet my needs whenever I express them. We've talked about a timeline for moving in together and he's open to doing couples therapy in order to be fully prepared for that. He's never given a sense that he feels stifled by commitment.
When we first met, he was in individual therapy but going very sporadically and I don't think much was getting accomplished. He started to realize that he was often getting dysregulated and not actually processing his emotions very well. Over the past few months he's gone through the process of finding a new therapist who specializes in trauma and somatic therapy and he has weekly sessions now. He says that in childhood he was taught to suppress his emotions and his coping strategy in adulthood has been to push people away rather than reach out or open up. He was married before and I have the sense that he was pretty avoidant in that relationship. I have explained that in order to feel close to him, it helps for him to be vulnerable with me, and I can tell it's hard for him. He says he wants to open up but he sometimes shuts down inadvertently. He gets frustrated when that happens and says he wants to work on it. There are a few times when I've gotten pretty triggered when I sense him pushing me away. I don't go into protest behavior and I am always careful to give him space (maybe too careful - sometimes I obsess about giving him enough space), but it alarms me when I get triggered. I feel impatient with myself and I also start to become hypervigilant about the relationship and things working out. I probably have some unrealistic expectations about recovery being a linear path. I know there are always setbacks. I do feel encouraged that he is aware of his issues and working on them. It's just demoralizing to put so much effort in and still feel like the same patterns are arising. I'd appreciate any feedback or reassurance.
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Post by alexandra on Sept 1, 2022 1:40:34 GMT
I probably have some unrealistic expectations about recovery being a linear path. I know there are always setbacks. I do feel encouraged that he is aware of his issues and working on them. It's just demoralizing to put so much effort in and still feel like the same patterns are arising. I'd appreciate any feedback or reassurance. I think this is probably true, and you're having a tough time with the speed of change and that you're both not on exactly the same "schedule." It can easily take a couple years to work through and implement changes when you've got attachment issues, and having ADHD just adds to that. That's normal, and only you can decide if the relationship dynamics really work for you. The questions I have are, what have you been doing to work on your own rejection sensitivity? It sounds like he is doing what he can at his speed, so assuming you want to stick around, it's probably most productive for you to lean into managing yourself when you get triggered so you don't spin out. Do you have exercises to pause and regulate yourself when the abandonment fears and rejection sensitivity is popping up? One of the objectives of earning secure, in my opinion, is keeping yourself grounded and regulated even when your loved one isn't. Total depersonalization when they're struggling with something unrelated to you so you can give support and be present without getting resentful. It is still a careful balance because that does NOT mean being supportive if it's always at your own expense. Which is why the goal is to be okay no matter what (through solid trust in yourself), which allows you to have more conscious control over deciding how you wish to respond to things. You also need to figure out how much progress and at what speed works for you. He will probably be making non-linear baby steps for a while. I think it's really positive that he's checking and adjusting and trying something else when something wasn't working for him. He's in a growth and accountability mindset, which is good. That being said, if he is struggling, he still shouldn't be taking it out on you, and you should not feel subjected to him taking it out on you. So if you're frustrated that you're still struggling a bit with the connection but he's otherwise working on it and treats you fairly and respectfully but sometimes triggers you just because people with insecure attachment styles get triggered and trigger each other, then it's about maintaining good communication, managing your own triggered state, and deciding on your needs and if his current trajectory is acceptable. If he's triggering you because he's lashing out in an unacceptable way (think: emotional punching bag when he's upset) but you're trying to be patient because you know he has problems, that is a different story and likely means you need to reassess if this relationship as it is is good for you. But that doesn't sound like it's what is happening here, and you're more frustrated to not be in exactly the same emotionally secure place yet. FWIW I'm neurotypical so it may be different, but my healing was not linear and was like a step function. So I'd have sudden "epiphanies" and mindset shifts seemingly out of no where, and I'd take a big jump in security and my thoughts and behaviors would change in that direction. Then I'd stagnate for a while, going forwards and backwards and sideways, and get frustrated that nothing would really change, and I couldn't predict when it would happen again while I kept working on myself, and then a big jump would happen again. Things would just click. My last push was when I got triggered for several days after the second breakup with my FA ex and then woke up one morning just "getting" it and not wanting to go through all that pain again like I did during the first breakup because it suddenly seemed pointless. And then I was secure... so I would not have predicted things would go that way in my process at all. But I really couldn't predict anything about how healing went, it just happened when it happened as long as I stuck with it. |
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Post by cherrycola on Sept 1, 2022 3:18:00 GMT
I'm ADHD so thought I would chime in.
My moving towards secure is also all over the place. I've been in weekly therapy for a year and had a six month relationship in the middle of it. I still get triggered. I still use protest behaviors sometimes. I still am not always a great communicator. But more and more I'm feeling more sure of myself and how to navigate conflict and issues. I'm quicker to come out of a trigger and can sometimes self correct after communicating poorly. It really is a fits and starts and it can be really hard to see how far I've come.
If you are struggling with rejection sensitivity then CBT/DBT and self regulation are going to be really important for you. I still feel it, maybe it'll never go away completely but I can list off all the alternative things that could be happening that aren't me being rejected and then take a time out to bring my nervous system back.
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Post by iz42 on Sept 1, 2022 4:45:42 GMT
I've been working with the same therapist for about 2 years and I feel like that's been immensely helpful with the rejection sensitivity. My diagnosis is fairly recent, so most of my life I was in the dark about why I was having such strong reactions to things. I knew I was sensitive but it was always wrapped up in a lot of shame. So now I feel less shameful about it and can recognize when I'm triggered and work on self soothing. It's a huge relief to know that it's not something uniquely wrong with me, but just how my brain works. I've noticed that all of my research into attachment theory (I feel like I sometimes went overboard in the research as a way of intellectualizing my problems) has made me a bit more likely to put people into attachment categories. So now that some of these challenges have come up with my boyfriend, part of me wants to categorize what's happening as an anxious-avoidant trap and to say oh well this isn't going to work. I have a huge fear of missing red flags. I feel like I have to be very vigilant because of red flags I've missed in the past. So instead of being able to see the situation in all of its complexity, I sort of panic and go into black or white thinking. This stuff is mysterious to me because I utterly lacked a model for healthy relationships growing up. I tend to make some black or white assumptions about what good relationships look like. In my idealized view, a secure relationship does not have arguments or moments of disconnection. Nobody ever gets their feelings hurt or gets disappointed. Intellectually I know that can't be true, but I've never seen what a secure relationship looks up close like in real life so it's hard to imagine. When I compare my own relationship to that idealized picture of what I view as secure, I start to go down a negative spiral. I have to acknowledge that my boyfriend and I have made progress in terms of difficult conversations - I am now better able to interrupt him when he reacts defensively to things, and we've had some progress with co-regulation in those scenarios. Rather than going into fight/flight, my initial response when he is dysregulated is to freeze. I've done some work on recognizing what's happening and getting out of the freeze state so I'm better able to engage. He's also working on empathizing and connecting with me when I'm upset. Our conversations in the past few months have been much less escalated and we're able to repair things and get back on track. He doesn't lash out at me. He does have unprocessed anger that he's working through, but he's usually able to explain what's going on in a way that doesn't feel hurtful. I've sensed that the intense anger he had about his own life struggles earlier in our relationship (issues at work, general life challenges, etc.) has dissipated. I've been surprised how in a few months of therapy he's been able to learn pretty quickly how to identify and articulate his feelings. And he's more aware of his tendency to shut me out. My reaction in the past has been to hyper-fixate on what I'm doing so that I don't trigger him. This means that I work extremely hard to give him *plenty of space* at all times. I'm very comfortable with space in general - I feel fine with giving him space if that's what he tells me he wants. But when I don't know what's going on, I make assumptions and I start to get anxious. I'm sharing more of this with him now. He agrees that he has to learn to identify his needs and be more transparent. Sometimes he doesn't know what he needs even when I ask, which is hard, but hopefully that will improve over time. I think my biggest fear is that we're going to stall in our progress and things won't work out. I don't like that I have to just wait and see what happens. It's hard to live with that level of vulnerability. It's going to take a lot of work to get to a fully secure place together, which feels scary and vulnerable, but I love him and I do feel like it's worth it. I probably have some unrealistic expectations about recovery being a linear path. I know there are always setbacks. I do feel encouraged that he is aware of his issues and working on them. It's just demoralizing to put so much effort in and still feel like the same patterns are arising. I'd appreciate any feedback or reassurance. I think this is probably true, and you're having a tough time with the speed of change and that you're both not on exactly the same "schedule." It can easily take a couple years to work through and implement changes when you've got attachment issues, and having ADHD just adds to that. That's normal, and only you can decide if the relationship dynamics really work for you. The questions I have are, what have you been doing to work on your own rejection sensitivity? It sounds like he is doing what he can at his speed, so assuming you want to stick around, it's probably most productive for you to lean into managing yourself when you get triggered so you don't spin out. Do you have exercises to pause and regulate yourself when the abandonment fears and rejection sensitivity is popping up? One of the objectives of earning secure, in my opinion, is keeping yourself grounded and regulated even when your loved one isn't. Total depersonalization when they're struggling with something unrelated to you so you can give support and be present without getting resentful. It is still a careful balance because that does NOT mean being supportive if it's always at your own expense. Which is why the goal is to be okay no matter what (through solid trust in yourself), which allows you to have more conscious control over deciding how you wish to respond to things. You also need to figure out how much progress and at what speed works for you. He will probably be making non-linear baby steps for a while. I think it's really positive that he's checking and adjusting and trying something else when something wasn't working for him. He's in a growth and accountability mindset, which is good. That being said, if he is struggling, he still shouldn't be taking it out on you, and you should not feel subjected to him taking it out on you. So if you're frustrated that you're still struggling a bit with the connection but he's otherwise working on it and treats you fairly and respectfully but sometimes triggers you just because people with insecure attachment styles get triggered and trigger each other, then it's about maintaining good communication, managing your own triggered state, and deciding on your needs and if his current trajectory is acceptable. If he's triggering you because he's lashing out in an unacceptable way (think: emotional punching bag when he's upset) but you're trying to be patient because you know he has problems, that is a different story and likely means you need to reassess if this relationship as it is is good for you. But that doesn't sound like it's what is happening here, and you're more frustrated to not be in exactly the same emotionally secure place yet. FWIW I'm neurotypical so it may be different, but my healing was not linear and was like a step function. So I'd have sudden "epiphanies" and mindset shifts seemingly out of no where, and I'd take a big jump in security and my thoughts and behaviors would change in that direction. Then I'd stagnate for a while, going forwards and backwards and sideways, and get frustrated that nothing would really change, and I couldn't predict when it would happen again while I kept working on myself, and then a big jump would happen again. Things would just click. My last push was when I got triggered for several days after the second breakup with my FA ex and then woke up one morning just "getting" it and not wanting to go through all that pain again like I did during the first breakup because it suddenly seemed pointless. And then I was secure... so I would not have predicted things would go that way in my process at all. But I really couldn't predict anything about how healing went, it just happened when it happened as long as I stuck with it. |
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Post by alexandra on Sept 1, 2022 5:05:09 GMT
In my idealized view, a secure relationship does not have arguments or moments of disconnection. Nobody ever gets their feelings hurt or gets disappointed. Intellectually I know that can't be true, but I've never seen what a secure relationship looks up close like in real life so it's hard to imagine. When I compare my own relationship to that idealized picture of what I view as secure, and I start to go down a negative spiral. Well let me confirm your suspicions-- this isn't true. In a secure connection, you still argue but you fight fair: communicating about the issues at hand instead of turning it into lashing out or making cruel remarks that are personal attacks. You try to state if there's other factors unrelated to the other person making it harder to emotionally regulate in the moment (ie, I'm currently hungry / tired / stressed / uncomfortable / frustrated / have PMS / not feeling well, etc.) because maybe that means it makes sense to try to work through the issue at a later time. Or that there's an easy solution (let's eat dinner now before doing anything else). These examples may be whatever, I'm just trying to think of general things that might make anyone cranky lol, but the list also shows that anyone can be any of these things and end up starting an argument that has nothing to do with their partner. A secure attachment means you also know that you'll still be committed to each other after each disagreement, and you trust each other that you care about the other and have good intentions towards your partner. One argument that isn't about a relationship dealbreaker coming to light isn't going to harm the foundation of the relationship. In fact, arguing is important! You learn how to communicate better, how to fight fair with each other, and if you can problem solve together. This is all VERY important when the alternative is someone bottles up their feelings and stuffs them down instead of speaking up, because eventually that causes a relationship to implode. So, constantly arguing isn't good, but you should try to see if you can view occasional arguments and disagreements as a good thing. My relationships that have gone the worst were the ones in which we never fought. The other person was stuffing down issues and I got blindsided, never even knowing anything was wrong, so we never had a chance to fix anything. In regards to the anxious-avoidant trap, I think you're missing a piece here. The anxious-avoidant trap is a recipe for failure when one or both partners is unaware and/or refusing to do anything to address their own issues. That isn't the case in your situation at all. As long as you're seeing effort and progress, which you are, I don't think you're doomed at all. Which goes back to the point cherrycola and I were both making. When you're getting triggered, instead of spinning out about your boyfriend and fear of lack of compatibility, you need to double down focusing on yourself and trusting yourself in that moment, and pause yourself before making any assumptions (AP assumptions are almost always the most negative!). The doubt comes from lack of connection to yourself, not feeling strong in your identity, abandoning yourself and not being able to stay present. All things you probably have been working on as you have dealt with being AP, but which you aren't done healing and building your self-esteem up to a healthier place yet. That's okay, you should still be proud of the strides you've already taken, and you're still a work in progress, which is fine. Do you see your relationship with your therapist as modeling what a secure attachment looks like? It's not romantic, but it should be one healthy example for you. |
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Post by iz42 on Sept 1, 2022 6:29:35 GMT
Do you see your relationship with your therapist as modeling what a secure attachment looks like? It's not romantic, but it should be one healthy example for you. That's a really interesting question. I feel like my relationship with my therapist is secure in the sense that I know she is trustworthy and I believe that she will always be honest with me. She has been immensely helpful because of how much she challenges me. She doesn't let me get complacent. She makes me think about things in new ways by asking questions, rather than guiding me one way or another. So she has helped me find some self-trust in that way. With past therapists I felt like I was being told what to do, which made things worse because I believed that I should trust them over myself. She also has helped me learn how to sit with difficult emotions. Beyond that, the relationship is too one-sided to see it as a model. She is a newly practicing therapist and her boundaries are very rigid. I think she's still exploring how much she wants to share of herself. But as it is, I know almost nothing about her or her own life even after 2 years. She keeps things very formal, which is fine, but there isn't a general sense of ease that I would think would come with a secure relationship. I think you're absolutely right that I still need to work on self-trust. This is one of my core issues. When I was a child my mom enmeshed herself with me - she overprotected me and didn't allow me to face challenges on my own. The result was that I felt dependent on her emotionally. This lasted from when I was a young child into adulthood and I've only really been able to work on it in the past 5 years or so. My dad was emotionally absent for most of my childhood. I get easily frustrated with myself for not having more self-confidence, but the way I was raised made it very difficult (if not impossible) to develop a strong sense of myself. This was compounded by having ADHD and the rejection issues that come with that. I don't really think I'll ever get to a place of complete self-trust and I have to accept that it's just one of the big challenges in my life. I turned 40 this year and to some extent I feel like it's part of my personality. I can beat myself up or I can accept it. If I focus on it too much as a flaw rather than celebrating the steps forward I have taken, I quickly fall into a shame spiral. I do see how I've made progress over time and I'm much more aware of my issues and my strengths than I was 5-10 years ago. I'm certainly stronger in my overall sense of myself and my ability to set boundaries with others, which is completely different from my younger self. |
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Post by iz42 on Sept 1, 2022 20:34:01 GMT
I'm ADHD so thought I would chime in. My moving towards secure is also all over the place. I've been in weekly therapy for a year and had a six month relationship in the middle of it. I still get triggered. I still use protest behaviors sometimes. I still am not always a great communicator. But more and more I'm feeling more sure of myself and how to navigate conflict and issues. I'm quicker to come out of a trigger and can sometimes self correct after communicating poorly. It really is a fits and starts and it can be really hard to see how far I've come. If you are struggling with rejection sensitivity then CBT/DBT and self regulation are going to be really important for you. I still feel it, maybe it'll never go away completely but I can list off all the alternative things that could be happening that aren't me being rejected and then take a time out to bring my nervous system back. It's nice to hear from someone else with ADHD. It's interesting because I'm largely aware of when my rejection sensitivity is triggered and I can articulate what's happening, but it still impacts my nervous system. I'd like to work on some DBT exercises to help with that. My boyfriend is in a place where he's making progress in therapy and starting to share more of himself with me, but then he feels vulnerable and pulls back. I know that's normal and it's not my fault, but in the moment it really feels like rejection. It sends me into overthinking mode where I feel like I have to be careful about what I do or say or he will abandon me. The reality is that there is a lot of stuff he hasn't shared and may never share. I'm okay with that on an intellectual level, and I'm able to recover from being triggered pretty quickly, but it does trigger me sometimes. |
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Post by iz42 on Sept 2, 2022 18:06:58 GMT
I've been doing some processing the past few days, and it feels like a big step for me to start to genuinely accept myself despite my challenges - it's almost paradoxical but it's always been hard for me to feel like I'm still worthy despite my struggles with self-worth and self-trust. It's one thing to acknowledge that my emotional growth and self-esteem was hindered by my mom's enmeshment, but it's another thing to be able to see that it wasn't necessarily my fault. I think I believed that if I had worked harder or had a stronger personality, the dynamic with my mom wouldn't have developed. It doesn't seem as straightforward as other kinds of trauma or abuse because I know she genuinely wanted to help and protect me. She had a hard time in her own family and she wanted the best for me. She also struggled with emotional regulation and she was probably triggered when I got upset as a child. Where it became really unhealthy was that she lacked boundaries, and over time she came to rely on me to meet her own emotional needs. Her overprotection made me feel emotionally dependent on her. The world felt very scary and like if I didn't rely on her, things would just fall apart. Some of this explains why I have struggled with anxious attachment and why I have had long term relationships with some other APs - the dynamic of enmeshment felt very familiar. Above all else I have to forgive myself for allowing myself to become overly dependent on my mom as a child. If I can do that, hopefully I can release some of the shame around it.
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