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Post by introvert on Sept 13, 2022 17:49:27 GMT
I was dumped by an avoidant a couple of months ago. I am still not entirely sure whether he was FA or DA. I don't really understand why he ended the relationship, other than his avoidant issues and deactivating stategies - by his own admission, he was extremely attracted to me, he thought I was a wonderful person, and we had important shared values and common interests. In a rare moment of vulnerability when he was away, he told me how much he had missed me, how much he liked me and how he had been resisting getting closer due to the hurt he encountered in his previous relationship. I liked him so much that I put a great deal of effort into being a considerate partner as I didn't want to look back and know that I had messed up something so important to me. I tried my best to meet his needs (or at least as well as he could communicate what they were) and respect his values. In spite of this, he blew hot and cold, pulling away after any closeness or intimacy. He was constantly busy and tired and overworked and I felt that he used this as a distancing strategy. He picked faults with me and found endless trivial reasons why we weren't compatible and why he wasn't sure if he wanted to be in the relationship long term. My cat received more compliments from him than I did - he would only ever concede that I had some good qualities when listing my bad points that apparently made me an unsuitable long term partner (for example not being "spiritually developed" enough). He was obsessed with looking for red flags, would pathologise normal behavior, twist things I had said and tell me what I meant by them. He told me that I was too sensitive and easily hurt and even told me once, when he was telling me how "wearing" he found my behavior and I asked for an example of what I had done wrong, that it was unfair of me to ask him to justify how he felt. The relationship ended when I asked him if I was wasting my time because I just seemed to annoy him and make him unhappy. In a very cold and detached way, he told me that it "wasn't working" and that he needed "something different" and left, without even looking at me. We had a shared holiday coming up which he had booked for my birthday before he realised how annoying I was, and I do wonder if that was a trigger. I returned his things (I just left it at his door) and deleted him from social media because I didn't want to be kept updated on his life after he chose not to keep me in it. I know objectively that I am better off without him, but I still feel so hurt. I have been through so much trauma in the past, in an extremely abusive relationship (sexually and emotionally) that this man is the first person I had trusted to get close to for five years. And I just feel so discarded. His behavior after the breakup has continued to confuse me. He has reached out the occasional time, usually with a reason of some kind rather than just totally out of the blue. For my birthday he sent me some gifts and a card, in which he said he was sad and sorry about not spending time with me (what does that even mean?). I told him that I couldn't be friends as I felt too hurt and he told me that he had felt sad too. He said that he still thought about me and wanted me to know he still cared. I know that none of these things mean he wants to get back together and despite the feelings that remain, I would't want more of the same shitty treatment. What has really re-triggered all of the hurt is that, when we were together, he would always bring up the prospect of quitting his job and moving to a different part of the country (he brought it up initially after the first time we slept together) while also giving me the hope that he might stay and that we could make it work so that I continued to invest in the relationship. He mentioned it again in the birthday card he sent me though I didn't acknowledge it then. Then last week, he messaged me to say well done for something I had been involved in. We hadn't spoken for 5 weeks so I responded in a friendly and quite chatty way but stayed on the topic and didn't ask him what was going on with him as I didn't want to know. And then he brought the conversation to an abrupt end, telling me to take care and throwing in the implication that he was on the verge of quitting his job and moving. It almost felt as though he was trying to hurt me, even though I respected his wishes for the relationship to end and have got on with my own life without bothering him. I have even accomplished some things that I didn't know was capable of so despite the hurt, I haven't just spent the time pining after him. I don't know what response I am looking for here. I just feel hurt and confused, my trust in my own judgement has been damaged and perhaps it just felt cathartic to write it all down. Wow, that's really awful, how he treated you. That crossed the line into emotional abuse in my opinion. He may have more than insecure attachment going on. Do you have a therapist to help support you? |
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Post by honeybadger on Sept 13, 2022 18:47:00 GMT
I was dumped by an avoidant a couple of months ago. I am still not entirely sure whether he was FA or DA. I don't really understand why he ended the relationship, other than his avoidant issues and deactivating stategies - by his own admission, he was extremely attracted to me, he thought I was a wonderful person, and we had important shared values and common interests. In a rare moment of vulnerability when he was away, he told me how much he had missed me, how much he liked me and how he had been resisting getting closer due to the hurt he encountered in his previous relationship. I liked him so much that I put a great deal of effort into being a considerate partner as I didn't want to look back and know that I had messed up something so important to me. I tried my best to meet his needs (or at least as well as he could communicate what they were) and respect his values. In spite of this, he blew hot and cold, pulling away after any closeness or intimacy. He was constantly busy and tired and overworked and I felt that he used this as a distancing strategy. He picked faults with me and found endless trivial reasons why we weren't compatible and why he wasn't sure if he wanted to be in the relationship long term. My cat received more compliments from him than I did - he would only ever concede that I had some good qualities when listing my bad points that apparently made me an unsuitable long term partner (for example not being "spiritually developed" enough). He was obsessed with looking for red flags, would pathologise normal behavior, twist things I had said and tell me what I meant by them. He told me that I was too sensitive and easily hurt and even told me once, when he was telling me how "wearing" he found my behavior and I asked for an example of what I had done wrong, that it was unfair of me to ask him to justify how he felt. The relationship ended when I asked him if I was wasting my time because I just seemed to annoy him and make him unhappy. In a very cold and detached way, he told me that it "wasn't working" and that he needed "something different" and left, without even looking at me. We had a shared holiday coming up which he had booked for my birthday before he realised how annoying I was, and I do wonder if that was a trigger. I returned his things (I just left it at his door) and deleted him from social media because I didn't want to be kept updated on his life after he chose not to keep me in it. I know objectively that I am better off without him, but I still feel so hurt. I have been through so much trauma in the past, in an extremely abusive relationship (sexually and emotionally) that this man is the first person I had trusted to get close to for five years. And I just feel so discarded. His behavior after the breakup has continued to confuse me. He has reached out the occasional time, usually with a reason of some kind rather than just totally out of the blue. For my birthday he sent me some gifts and a card, in which he said he was sad and sorry about not spending time with me (what does that even mean?). I told him that I couldn't be friends as I felt too hurt and he told me that he had felt sad too. He said that he still thought about me and wanted me to know he still cared. I know that none of these things mean he wants to get back together and despite the feelings that remain, I would't want more of the same shitty treatment. What has really re-triggered all of the hurt is that, when we were together, he would always bring up the prospect of quitting his job and moving to a different part of the country (he brought it up initially after the first time we slept together) while also giving me the hope that he might stay and that we could make it work so that I continued to invest in the relationship. He mentioned it again in the birthday card he sent me though I didn't acknowledge it then. Then last week, he messaged me to say well done for something I had been involved in. We hadn't spoken for 5 weeks so I responded in a friendly and quite chatty way but stayed on the topic and didn't ask him what was going on with him as I didn't want to know. And then he brought the conversation to an abrupt end, telling me to take care and throwing in the implication that he was on the verge of quitting his job and moving. It almost felt as though he was trying to hurt me, even though I respected his wishes for the relationship to end and have got on with my own life without bothering him. I have even accomplished some things that I didn't know was capable of so despite the hurt, I haven't just spent the time pining after him. I don't know what response I am looking for here. I just feel hurt and confused, my trust in my own judgement has been damaged and perhaps it just felt cathartic to write it all down. Wow, that's really awful, how he treated you. That crossed the line into emotional abuse in my opinion. He may have more than insecure attachment going on. Do you have a therapist to help support you? It did feel that way, even if it wasn't intentional abuse. I think he was a very damaged person beyond a confident exterior. I don't have a therapist, and have mainly relied on friends to talk about how it has made me feel, but they can't understand the effect it has had on me and I don't bring it up any more as I can tell that they're bored of hearing about it and think I should just forget about it. If only it was so easy. I think it is hard for anyone who hasn't been involved with an avoidant, to appreciate the effect it can have on your confidence and self-esteem. |
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Post by introvert on Sept 13, 2022 20:34:05 GMT
I'm avoidant and I understand what you're saying... but my take on it is that each type of insecure inflicts wounds on their partners, mainly by triggering wounds already existing in their partners. Not everyone will respond to an avoidant with wounded self esteem, and no one is perfectly secure but a secure response to someone who is patently emotionally unavailable and not self aware (and emotionally toxic to boot) would be to protect oneself with boundaries and do the leaving. So while I am not at all pathologizing you, and I know that you are hurt by his hurtful behavior (anyone would be)... I do suggest that you try to find understanding about where your own wounds are that allowed you to remain in and respond to the dynamic as you have. It seems as though you have some fundamental attachment insecurity (anxious) and the attending insecure experience of relationship. Have you looked into your attachment style and your own vulnerability to
unavailable/unkind/unstable men?
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Post by honeybadger on Sept 13, 2022 21:00:12 GMT
I do fall on the anxious side of the attachment spectrum (and I realise that if I was more secure then I wouldn't have tolerated this behaviour and would have an easier time getting over it). But i was also able to tolerate his needs for space, for infrequent communication, and I didn’t feel threatened at all by him spending time with female friends even when they came to stay with him, so i don't feel that I was excessively anxious. But from what I've read on attachment theory, a very avoidant partner will being out amxious traits in even a securely attached person.
I definitely have work to do on myself. But I feel so afraid that I will just repeat this pattern, as I didn't see the red flags at the beginning and once they did appear, he had done such a good job of convincing me that I was the one ruining things with my supposedly dysfunctional behaviour that I really believed I needed to focus on being less annoying and watching everything I said. Now with hindsight I look back and feel a bit sick at how manipulated I was.
Thank you for taking the time to reply. I appreciate your input.
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Post by introvert on Sept 13, 2022 21:13:42 GMT
I do fall on the anxious side of the attachment spectrum (and I realise that if I was more secure then I wouldn't have tolerated this behaviour and would have an easier time getting over it). But i was also able to tolerate his needs for space, for infrequent communication, and I didn’t feel threatened at all by him spending time with female friends even when they came to stay with him, so i don't feel that I was excessively anxious. But from what I've read on attachment theory, a very avoidant partner will being out amxious traits in even a securely attached person. I definitely have work to do on myself. But I feel so afraid that I will just repeat this pattern, as I didn't see the red flags at the beginning and once they did appear, he had done such a good job of convincing me that I was the one ruining things with my supposedly dysfunctional behaviour that I really believed I needed to focus on being less annoying and watching everything I said. Now with hindsight I look back and feel a bit sick at how manipulated I was. Thank you for taking the time to reply. I appreciate your input. You're welcome. I don't have insight into the anxious trajectory of healing, at least not from an insider's view. But there are some healthy former AP's on the forum who can empathize completely and also point out what may be some blind spots or areas where more self awareness can really help you. I know that the behaviors you list seem healthy, and it's all relative, because the non-anxious ways of being happened in the context of a toxic relationship. So what I'm saying is that a need to be non-anxious to potentially make a good partner to an avoidant is in itself anxious behavior, that made you a good candidate for an equally unhealthy partner. It's true an avoidant can bring out anxiety in a secure. But the length and breadth of the involvement should be considered too. How long, how far, and how come you tolerated poor treatment is something to look at. Again, I'm not being critical or justifying him, I'm really trying to support you in finding the key to not being vulnerable to this dynamic again. There really is a path to secure relationships that many here are taking, and they can probably illuminate some things that can move you forward. Best of luck! If you stick around there is a lot of good information and advice to be had from our anxious leaning posters. BTW, I've been involved with an avoidant too and I know it's destabilizing. Avoidants can lean anxious with a more avoidant partner but I don't think to the degree- at least for me it was like being trapped but not in quite the same way. My point being, I validate that it's injurious to be with an avoidant. I've been with equally injurious anxious but that's not the point... the point is that insecure sucks and there is a lack of empathy and insight in an insecure mind. You can however progress to being able to spot the red flags, in yourself most of all! Your internal narrative can shift so that this no longer is a trap for you. |
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Post by tnr9 on Sept 13, 2022 21:32:30 GMT
I do fall on the anxious side of the attachment spectrum (and I realise that if I was more secure then I wouldn't have tolerated this behaviour and would have an easier time getting over it). But i was also able to tolerate his needs for space, for infrequent communication, and I didn’t feel threatened at all by him spending time with female friends even when they came to stay with him, so i don't feel that I was excessively anxious. But from what I've read on attachment theory, a very avoidant partner will being out amxious traits in even a securely attached person. I definitely have work to do on myself. But I feel so afraid that I will just repeat this pattern, as I didn't see the red flags at the beginning and once they did appear, he had done such a good job of convincing me that I was the one ruining things with my supposedly dysfunctional behaviour that I really believed I needed to focus on being less annoying and watching everything I said. Now with hindsight I look back and feel a bit sick at how manipulated I was. Thank you for taking the time to reply. I appreciate your input. Hi there….I am an FA who has leaned anxious in prior relationships. What has really helped me with addressing the question of…how do I ensure I never attract or fall for another unavailable and poorly matched partner again has been to look at my own relationship with my parents. In my therapy I uncovered deep trauma as a result of my parent’s own attachment issues along with a rather messy divorce. Through therapy I have discovered why I felt like I could only attract a man who was “broken” inside and had addiction issues. I also learned that I did not need to avoid these men, I learned that I needed to learn how to love and respect myself more….and out of that…I have become more aware of these men when I interact with them as well as being less attracted to them. The work is really an inside job rather then looking at external behaviors. You are more then welcome to read back over my 3 year journey to get over the last guy I dated. |
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Post by honeybadger on Sept 14, 2022 18:07:58 GMT
Thank you both for your replies. It is good to know that there are people who have managed the transition to secure. I'm aware of quite a lot of this, especially having read a lot into attachment theory since the breakup so I'm aware that what I'm feeling is partly the result of core wounds and an activated attachment system, and less to do with him. Sadly that doesn't make it that much easier. But I would agree that looking inwards is key and I do hope it is the last time I will get involved with someone so emotionally toxic.
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Post by mrob on Sept 15, 2022 7:15:54 GMT
It sounds like a textbook AP/FA experience. Blowing hot and cold is the FA signature. He probably has no idea how it all happened either, truth be known.
Sorry this experience happened, hopefully something good comes of it for you, painful as it is now.
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Post by teazel on Sept 15, 2022 7:46:19 GMT
There’s a lot here that I think might be blaming you for your experience, which isn’t fair. It wasn’t your fault. Like the previous poster said, this was textbook avoidant behaviour, you didn’t cause it. And you are out of the relationship now. Being hurt by what happened doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you. I came out of a similar situation a year ago and I’m still reeling from it now (that’s why I’m here) but I am healing. And a big part of that healing is that I’m learning not to blame myself. Sometimes this just happens and if you’re not used to an avoidant (as I wasn’t) it’s really freaking confusing. But I’ve had plenty of healthy relationships—whereas he has had none—so I don’t want to internalise his problems to me, when they are just that, his problems. So I want to say the same to you. Please don’t blame yourself. You’re bound to feel bruised. I’m getting over it now but it’s been a year. You’ll get there. This was just bad luck and you didn’t cause his behaviour by being “anxiously attached” or whatever.
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Post by introvert on Sept 15, 2022 13:33:52 GMT
There’s a lot here that I think might be blaming you for your experience, which isn’t fair. It wasn’t your fault. Like the previous poster said, this was textbook avoidant behaviour, you didn’t cause it. And you are out of the relationship now. Being hurt by what happened doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you. I came out of a similar situation a year ago and I’m still reeling from it now (that’s why I’m here) but I am healing. And a big part of that healing is that I’m learning not to blame myself. Sometimes this just happens and if you’re not used to an avoidant (as I wasn’t) it’s really freaking confusing. But I’ve had plenty of healthy relationships—whereas he has had none—so I don’t want to internalise his problems to me, when they are just that, his problems. So I want to say the same to you. Please don’t blame yourself. You’re bound to feel bruised. I’m getting over it now but it’s been a year. You’ll get there. This was just bad luck and you didn’t cause his behaviour by being “anxiously attached” or whatever. I think you are projecting your own narrative onto the posts that have supported OP in looking at her vulnerability to an unsuitable partner. It's an insecure perspective to take blame either from oneself or another for another person's behavior, and and not everyone here (in fact no one posting on this thread) retains the belief that one person is to blame for another's behavior. Individual responsibility is the notion and the reality that anyone coming through this learns. His behavior will happen with any partner, because it is intrinsic to him. Her ability to protect herself needs a little work and pointing that out isn't blame it's helpful insight. Ignoring red flags comes with a price tag and often happens because of harmful conditioning in early childhood. Again, to recognize that isn't blame it's understanding where these blind spots originate. It's unfortunate that the idea of blame persists, but it doesn't come from the feedback given on this thread. I've been here long enough to understand that and state it with confidence. |
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Post by introvert on Sept 15, 2022 13:52:41 GMT
Helping someone learn self defense is in no way blaming them for an attack. Recognizing postures and behaviors that compromise emotional or even physical safety is not victimizing the victim.
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Post by mrob on Sept 15, 2022 14:57:04 GMT
In my experience, there are two ways to look at this. In my case I could have continued repeating my pattern as I had for the previous 20 years. Instead, I stopped and started having a good look at my behaviour that contributed to that pattern.
Please, my intention is not victim blaming. In fact I think blame is a pretty useless word in circumstances like these where people are acting from subconscious triggers mostly brought on by trauma - on both sides.
It takes two to tango. While it’s possible for a securely attached person to be temporarily waived, the more common circumstance is for both to be insecurely attached. This is either an opportunity to grow or not I assure you from my own experience that these are patterns that don’t stop when they’re ignored. They just keep popping up again and again.
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Post by tnr9 on Sept 15, 2022 22:17:40 GMT
In my experience, there are two ways to look at this. In my case I could have continued repeating my pattern as I had for the previous 20 years. Instead, I stopped and started having a good look at my behaviour that contributed to that pattern. Please, my intention is not victim blaming. In fact I think blame is a pretty useless word in circumstances like these where people are acting from subconscious triggers mostly brought on by trauma - on both sides. It takes two to tango. While it’s possible for a securely attached person to be temporarily waived, the more common circumstance is for both to be insecurely attached. This is either an opportunity to grow or not I assure you from my own experience that these are patterns that don’t stop when they’re ignored. They just keep popping up again and again. I did not read any blaming of anyone on this post. I saw individuals providing insight and personal feedback. |
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