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Post by introvert on Sept 19, 2022 18:19:44 GMT
In my experience, people give themselves away pretty quickly. Generally it’s an “off the cuff” remark in date 1 or 2. “I’m not good at relationships” - believe them. It doesn’t even have to be relationship talk. I assure you that if you’re open to it, you’ll hear it and alarm bells will ring. Ah yes, wow, note to self. I remember him saying things like "you're pobably better at relationships than I am" because he never had a relationship that lasted longer than a year versus the longterm relationships I've had. He was looking for a stable relationship because his previous relationships weren't. He never blamed his exes though, he always spoke fondly of them. I actually loved that about him. I did find it strange that he was friends with all his exes. And he spoke positively about everything in the beginning. As I got to know him better, I realized that the reality was a little different from the optimistic picture he painted. I'd say, if someone you want to have a monogamous relationship with suggests polyamory, then you can surmise that you have incompatible relationship goals and it's not about anyone converting anyone else to their lifestyle, it's incompatibility. |
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Post by jolene on Sept 19, 2022 19:28:14 GMT
There are times that being friends with all your exes is a red flag. I say this as someone who is good friends with some of my exes! If the person is friends with all their exes, you need to gauge if it's because they can't and don't want to let go of any of their "options" OR if they never fully emotionally process breakups and their ego / anxiety levels can't handle the prospect of disconnection. Either of those are red flag reasons. A healthy approach to exes, if the topic comes up, is not speaking negatively of them (anyone who says all their exes are crazy is a red flag) but being able to articulate briefly why things went wrong, take accountability for your own part in that, and perhaps even what you changed / learned from it. But again, this should be a brief and reasonably easy conversation with someone secure, not drawn out or fawning over or droning on about or overanalyzing exes, and trauma bonding with you about breakups along the way (creating speedy and false intimacy with you). It's not healthy for this topic to come up on the first few dates, either, that's a boundary issue because someone would be oversharing with someone they barely know at a time they should be focusing on getting to know you and building your connection together. I've read some other posts here about FA exes in particular who suddenly weren't in love anymore, but couldn't let go. The exact same happened with me and I suspect it's part of the reason he stayed friends with his exes. I never got the impression that he saw them as an option to go back to, he seemed genuinely happy for them. He never tried to make me feel jealous, at least not that I know of. He just couldn't cut the cord, not even with the one who made him feel like he couldn't do anything right. I'm actually the exact opposite now that I think about it. I tend to get too attached. I jump in with both feet and I put my heart and soul in every relationship I enter. However, when I feel like I've tried everything but nothing worked, I leave and I never go back. I never reach out to exes or befriend them. I wish them well from a distance. |
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Post by jolene on Sept 19, 2022 19:42:06 GMT
Ah yes, wow, note to self. I remember him saying things like "you're pobably better at relationships than I am" because he never had a relationship that lasted longer than a year versus the longterm relationships I've had. He was looking for a stable relationship because his previous relationships weren't. He never blamed his exes though, he always spoke fondly of them. I actually loved that about him. I did find it strange that he was friends with all his exes. And he spoke positively about everything in the beginning. As I got to know him better, I realized that the reality was a little different from the optimistic picture he painted. I'd say, if someone you want to have a monogamous relationship with suggests polyamory, then you can surmise that you have incompatible relationship goals and it's not about anyone converting anyone else to their lifestyle, it's incompatibility. If I'd known he wanted a polyamorous relationship, I would have never entered this relationship. He presented himself as someone who pursues monogamy. We agreed on that. It happens that people change and change their minds about things, but in my opinion, if he really wanted to go for it, he should have left as soon as he knew I didn't want to pursue a non-monogamous relationship, instead of pressuring me into one to get what he wants. That's manipulation, not just incompatibility. |
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Post by stevie on Sept 19, 2022 20:05:17 GMT
I'd say, if someone you want to have a monogamous relationship with suggests polyamory, then you can surmise that you have incompatible relationship goals and it's not about anyone converting anyone else to their lifestyle, it's incompatibility. If I'd known he wanted a polyamorous relationship, I would have never entered this relationship. He presented himself as someone who pursues monogamy. We agreed on that. It happens that people change and change their minds about things, but in my opinion, if he really wanted to go for it, he should have left as soon as he knew I didn't want to pursue a non-monogamous relationship, instead of pressuring me into one to get what he wants. That's manipulation, not just incompatibility. I'm not a professional but to me it sounds like narcissistic or borderline traits. They present themselves with a false self and show you only the best parts of themselves when you meet. As you described in your first post, he was everything you wanted, until he wasn't anymore, because that's who he really is. I'm sorry you had to go through that. Not too long ago I went through the same and I hope you can find the strength to redirect your focus back on yourself. |
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Post by introvert on Sept 19, 2022 20:19:04 GMT
I'd say, if someone you want to have a monogamous relationship with suggests polyamory, then you can surmise that you have incompatible relationship goals and it's not about anyone converting anyone else to their lifestyle, it's incompatibility. If I'd known he wanted a polyamorous relationship, I would have never entered this relationship. He presented himself as someone who pursues monogamy. We agreed on that. It happens that people change and change their minds about things, but in my opinion, if he really wanted to go for it, he should have left as soon as he knew I didn't want to pursue a non-monogamous relationship, instead of pressuring me into one to get what he wants. That's manipulation, not just incompatibility. I'm sorry, that wasn't clear to me when reading your post. You wrote that his reaction to you having past sexual issues was to suggest polyamory, and that he suggested that on more than one occasion. So what I'm saying is that although you were blindsided, and it hurt, it's a deal breaker, and it wasn't clear to me at all that the suggestion didn't come up early on. |
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Post by jolene on Sept 19, 2022 21:18:29 GMT
If I'd known he wanted a polyamorous relationship, I would have never entered this relationship. He presented himself as someone who pursues monogamy. We agreed on that. It happens that people change and change their minds about things, but in my opinion, if he really wanted to go for it, he should have left as soon as he knew I didn't want to pursue a non-monogamous relationship, instead of pressuring me into one to get what he wants. That's manipulation, not just incompatibility. I'm sorry, that wasn't clear to me when reading your post. You wrote that his reaction to you having past sexual issues was to suggest polyamory, and that he suggested that on more than one occasion. So what I'm saying is that although you were blindsided, and it hurt, it's a deal breaker, and it wasn't clear to me at all that the suggestion didn't come up early on. No, I'm sorry, I could have been more clear about that. He suggested this after about 6 months and one of the reasons he brought it up was because I told him about my sexual experiences. It became a common topic, but it weren't honest and open conversations about our needs. That would have been a different story. He often sent me on a guilt trip ("if you really loved me, you would do X,Y,Z") and mainly prioritized his needs. I doubted myself a lot because I felt guilty for not being able to give him what he wanted. Instead of moving the goalposts, it should have been a dealbreaker indeed. |
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Post by alexandra on Sept 19, 2022 21:46:51 GMT
"if you really loved me, you would do X,Y,Z" This is another huge red flag. It's always an extremely toxic thing to say and not how healthy love works. I stand behind my earlier post that if you dive into your side and focus on rebuilding yourself, you don't end up needing to watch for or be hypervigilant about red flags. But, in this thread, you are amassing quite a list to keep for the future  |
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Post by introvert on Sept 19, 2022 23:17:12 GMT
I'm sorry, that wasn't clear to me when reading your post. You wrote that his reaction to you having past sexual issues was to suggest polyamory, and that he suggested that on more than one occasion. So what I'm saying is that although you were blindsided, and it hurt, it's a deal breaker, and it wasn't clear to me at all that the suggestion didn't come up early on. No, I'm sorry, I could have been more clear about that. He suggested this after about 6 months and one of the reasons he brought it up was because I told him about my sexual experiences. It became a common topic, but it weren't honest and open conversations about our needs. That would have been a different story. He often sent me on a guilt trip ("if you really loved me, you would do X,Y,Z") and mainly prioritized his needs. I doubted myself a lot because I felt guilty for not being able to give him what he wanted. Instead of moving the goalposts, it should have been a dealbreaker indeed. I mean, I get it.... during the last year of exploring dating and relationships before I met my current partner of almost three years, I experienced some of the most disrespectful, humiliating things. I hit bottom with staying quiet about who I am and what I'm about. Scared straight you might say. I found my voice and stopped hushing my own objections to someone else's agenda. I developed my own vision and committed to it. The relationship I am in now started and continues with openness and respect and care. But it took letting myself down because I didn't know any better, before I could stand up for who and what I am. |
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Post by introvert on Sept 19, 2022 23:21:13 GMT
"if you really loved me, you would do X,Y,Z" This is another huge red flag. It's always an extremely toxic thing to say and not how healthy love works. I stand behind my earlier post that if you dive into your side and focus on rebuilding yourself, you don't end up needing to watch for or be hypervigilant about red flags. But, in this thread, you are amassing quite a list to keep for the future Yes, security doesn't come from a defensive,hyper vigilant perspective. Security comes by learning how to respect, love, and trust yourself however that can be accomplished. The. red flags in someone else become almost laughable. The red flags to pay attention to are our own habits... people pleasing, lying to ourselves, silencing ourselves, forcing ourselves to do what doesn't feel right, expecting blood from a turnip, etc. Acting habitually out of emotional dysregulation, clinging, running, avoiding, all the things that we do when we don't know better, those are the red flags. It's all inside. |
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Post by mrob on Sept 20, 2022 4:36:21 GMT
I think the whole seeing other people thing, whether it be purely for sexual reasons or polyamory, is a way of distancing for an FA. Guilt trips? Yuck.
When I got here I didn’t have many exes. Enough to see a pattern. After some time and a few more I realised that the exes I was “friends” with were those where they had finished it. Time to look at me again. I am genuine friends with the lady whose breakup got me here and it has been the hardest relationship to redefine and maintain. Genuinely rewarding, but very, very difficult. She gets married next month.
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Post by iz42 on Sept 20, 2022 6:05:55 GMT
I think the whole seeing other people thing, whether it be purely for sexual reasons or polyamory, is a way of distancing for an FA. Guilt trips? Yuck. This sounds familiar. My ex was FA and he spent a lot of time hypothesizing about non-monogamy. I don’t think he actually wanted to be non monogamous, and he says now that he would be too jealous, but during our relationship he brought it up all the time. I started to feel inadequate and like I wasn’t meeting his needs. When I brought this up more recently, he had no memory of even talking about it. He was in a bad place with his mental health at the time and I think that fantasizing was a way of distancing. That whole dynamic was familiar to me. It was comforting to orient myself around meeting his needs even when it was directly harming me. Lots of painful stuff played out there. |
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Post by jolene on Sept 20, 2022 10:27:32 GMT
No, I'm sorry, I could have been more clear about that. He suggested this after about 6 months and one of the reasons he brought it up was because I told him about my sexual experiences. It became a common topic, but it weren't honest and open conversations about our needs. That would have been a different story. He often sent me on a guilt trip ("if you really loved me, you would do X,Y,Z") and mainly prioritized his needs. I doubted myself a lot because I felt guilty for not being able to give him what he wanted. Instead of moving the goalposts, it should have been a dealbreaker indeed. I mean, I get it.... during the last year of exploring dating and relationships before I met my current partner of almost three years, I experienced some of the most disrespectful, humiliating things. I hit bottom with staying quiet about who I am and what I'm about. Scared straight you might say. I found my voice and stopped hushing my own objections to someone else's agenda. I developed my own vision and committed to it. The relationship I am in now started and continues with openness and respect and care. But it took letting myself down because I didn't know any better, before I could stand up for who and what I am. This goes both ways I guess. I genuinely believe that he didn't do these things consciously, or to hurt me. I think he doesn't really know who he is and what he wants and I thought I knew what I wanted, but I didn't enforce boundaries until it was already too late. The damage was already done and we hurt each other so much. He's already dating someone else, because he wasn't in love with me anymore anyway and I'm left to pick up the pieces. It hurts. I don't want to take it all out on him because rationally I know it has nothing to do with me and he's probably hurting just as much, but it really sucks to realize that someone hasn't been honest and transparant from the get go, especially because he always said he valued honesty. If he wants a non-monogamous relationship, go for it. It he wants to build a succesful career and work 24/7, go for it. If he needs an independant woman who can give him space for weeks on end, that's okay. If he doesn't want kids the next 5 to 10 years and doesn't want to move in together for the time being, that's fine. I could have immediately concluded that we were not compatible. But I had to find out gradually 6 to 18 months later, while I've been pretty clear about what I was looking for in the first few months and he presented himself as if he wanted the same. Even though I could have pulled the plug earlier and need to work on that and I know he didn't do this consciously, I think it's still messed up. |
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Post by jolene on Sept 20, 2022 12:29:16 GMT
Hey everybody,
I just wanted to say thank you. I really appreciate everyone thinking with me and giving me feedback. I think I just need to give myself some space to clear my head, grieve, and process a relationship that clearly wasn't a loving relationship. I fell in love with potential and I need to accept the fact that I'm going to be angry and sad for a while in order to overcome this. It happened, I can't change what I allowed to happen, and as some of you said I can only control myself and the way I handle it. I think I'm going to write down all the things that happened and do some research on red flags and what it says about me, because in hindsight I definitely had a lot of doubt and was hard on myself about that. I've always seen myself as a strong woman who knows what she wants and sometimes had to fight for what she wants. I've always been proud of being able to stand up for myself and stand my ground, but sometimes I don't even know who I am anymore. I feel like I've lost a part of myself in the process of trying to love him, which is something I've never experienced before.
So again, thank you. I'm glad I found this forum since it already taught me so much by reading all the posts. It's really bizarre to read how similar some stories are to mine and in some way it's nice to know that it wasn't all my fault. That I did my best with the little knowledge I had. And that he did his best with the little knowledge he had.
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Post by sunrisequest on Sept 21, 2022 1:34:38 GMT
Hey everybody, I just wanted to say thank you. I really appreciate everyone thinking with me and giving me feedback. I think I just need to give myself some space to clear my head, grieve, and process a relationship that clearly wasn't a loving relationship. I fell in love with potential and I need to accept the fact that I'm going to be angry and sad for a while in order to overcome this. It happened, I can't change what I allowed to happen, and as some of you said I can only control myself and the way I handle it. I think I'm going to write down all the things that happened and do some research on red flags and what it says about me, because in hindsight I definitely had a lot of doubt and was hard on myself about that. I've always seen myself as a strong woman who knows what she wants and sometimes had to fight for what she wants. I've always been proud of being able to stand up for myself and stand my ground, but sometimes I don't even know who I am anymore. I feel like I've lost a part of myself in the process of trying to love him, which is something I've never experienced before. So again, thank you. I'm glad I found this forum since it already taught me so much by reading all the posts. It's really bizarre to read how similar some stories are to mine and in some way it's nice to know that it wasn't all my fault. That I did my best with the little knowledge I had. And that he did his best with the little knowledge he had. Go gentle on yourself as you process. Lessons are always there for learning and it sounds like you're open to them, which will only lead you to a better place. But there needs to be lots of space for grief and anger and sadness etc... I wonder if experiences like this sometimes make us look at ourselves and wonder wtf happened, and whether we are broken. But sometimes, I think all that is required is some fine-tuning, some awareness of what could be done better next time, and lots of self love... keep believing in the process and in the strong woman that you are. |
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