|
Post by tnr9 on Oct 11, 2022 3:43:35 GMT
Anne12, I’m not sure how to move a thread? Anyway, if you’d like to, its fine by me. I do agree maybe more relevant to FAs now. I’ll check out the links! I definitely have no idea how to tell if I’m concerned about danger or if I’m getting an FA fear response. They feel the same, maybe? i did ask over and over for friends to meet him. The most alarming thing that happened was when his friend that i hadn’t met before, sat down and said ‘he’s a total psychopath.’ My boyfriend was in the kitchen pressing his perfect coffee from Brazil in his perfect way by using all his weight instead of using a button with a machine (he literally was straddling and contorted trying to achieve this…it was not a French press) and it was meant to be a joke because he is an absolute perfectionist for certain but i had googled signs of psychopath that week, so it was hard for me to feel easy about it. My friends tell me stop googling all these things and they say I’m looking for reasons to not be with him…but this week of no silence shows that it wasn’t just me being scared. He is from another country. He is eastern european. So a lot of his strange behaviors i wondered if they were cultural and it was difficult to tell if it was him,me or upbringing/culture. Honestly…I think all of this analyzing and googling and ruminating is just pointing you away from looking at whether or not the 2 of you are a good fit. Two insecure people coming together causes buttons to be pushed and insecurities to heighten. I would encourage you to take a step back and consider the overall flow of this relationship and not just his traits, actions etc. Has this relationship brought out the best in you? Has this relationship allowed you to grow? Do you feel that the communication has been open? If the answers are no…..then I would say you have your answer.
|
|
|
Post by alexandra on Oct 11, 2022 23:33:40 GMT
anne12, we can't really move threads, so how about starting a related one with the info on the FA board, and just put a link to the first page of this thread for reference?
|
|
|
Post by anne12 on Oct 12, 2022 4:52:03 GMT
|
|
|
Post by alexandra on Oct 12, 2022 5:57:25 GMT
anne12 you went above and beyond by copying and pasting the entire thing, thanks!
|
|
|
Post by introvert on Oct 14, 2022 19:27:15 GMT
Anne12, I’m not sure how to move a thread? Anyway, if you’d like to, its fine by me. I do agree maybe more relevant to FAs now. I’ll check out the links! I definitely have no idea how to tell if I’m concerned about danger or if I’m getting an FA fear response. They feel the same, maybe? i did ask over and over for friends to meet him. The most alarming thing that happened was when his friend that i hadn’t met before, sat down and said ‘he’s a total psychopath.’ My boyfriend was in the kitchen pressing his perfect coffee from Brazil in his perfect way by using all his weight instead of using a button with a machine (he literally was straddling and contorted trying to achieve this…it was not a French press) and it was meant to be a joke because he is an absolute perfectionist for certain but i had googled signs of psychopath that week, so it was hard for me to feel easy about it. My friends tell me stop googling all these things and they say I’m looking for reasons to not be with him…but this week of no silence shows that it wasn’t just me being scared. He is from another country. He is eastern european. So a lot of his strange behaviors i wondered if they were cultural and it was difficult to tell if it was him,me or upbringing/culture. Honestly…I think all of this analyzing and googling and ruminating is just pointing you away from looking at whether or not the 2 of you are a good fit. Two insecure people coming together causes buttons to be pushed and insecurities to heighten. I would encourage you to take a step back and consider the overall flow of this relationship and not just his traits, actions etc. Has this relationship brought out the best in you? Has this relationship allowed you to grow? Do you feel that the communication has been open? If the answers are no…..then I would say you have your answer. This!
|
|
|
Post by mrob on Oct 15, 2022 2:41:40 GMT
This isn't a relationship it's an insecure power struggle. Your own line of thinking here is unhealthy, but you're focusing on him and his behavior. Try to step back and take a look at how you are showing up in this dynamic.... as a fixer (building him up so he can be confident) a martyr (I've done so much good for and this is how he treats me?). This is constructive criticism, not bashing. If his is protest behavior, what is your behavior? That's the insight you need to become healthier and choose available partners. Good luck. I know this hurts but only you can choose change. It's an illusion to think that if you do something different you might get something better from him.... that's the fixer / helper mentality, and it will never bring you happiness. Hooray. Sanity. Even as an FA, I can sniff manipulation a mile off, and I would recoil. If the OP is using attachment styles to get the right fit, I can say from personal experience, it doesn’t work.
|
|