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Post by iz42 on Nov 6, 2022 7:44:38 GMT
I’m realizing that in grappling with my relationship with my ex who was FA, I have taken on most of the responsibility for what happened between us. It was my own issues that allowed me to get involved with him in the first place, and therefore I put myself in that situation and allowed myself to be mistreated. I was codependent. Focusing on him allowed me to escape from my own issues. He was an alcoholic and he did and said cruel and hurtful things. I know it was my responsibility to take better care of myself. It feels shameful and bad and hard to forgive myself for abandoning myself in that way.
It’s in the past now (thank goodness) and I have learned a lot since then, but this whole topic is pretty triggering and I can tell that when I start to relive those memories I slip into some black-or-white thinking. I think maybe it’s easier to believe that the way he treated me was my fault because that gives me more agency in the situation. I felt helpless at the time so maybe blaming myself gives me some sense of control back. At the same time, I’m letting him off the hook for mistreating me, and blaming myself tanks my self esteem.
Does anyone relate to this?
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Post by anne12 on Nov 6, 2022 10:23:39 GMT
Terry Real talks about how the responsibility in a relationship is not always 50/50 - sometimes its 90/10 ect. - jebkinnisonforum.com/post/49154Brangelina - jebkinnisonforum.com/post/49195/If you have a tendency to turn anger inward and blame yourself, then it can damage your self worth and then the two chair anger exercise can be useful (Its inspired by Leonard Jacobsen). The exercise works on the instinktive level. The exercise involves taking back your power, your vitality and energy Do you know the exercise ? You can do it with the help of your therapist if needed. jebkinnisonforum.com/post/46532/Gift Exchange exercise - from the healing your broken heart thread. The exercise works on the instinktive level. - jebkinnisonforum.com/post/31864/Does the article about fawning from a female perspektive help you, to become kinder towards yourself ?: “In trauma studies, we have tended to regard the nervous system as sex and gender neutral. However because women, on average, have far more estrogen than most men do, women are disproportionately impacted by the social nervous system, both its strengths and weaknesses. Estrogen is a bonding hormone that primes us to be perceptive and attuned to other people’s experiences……..” Females and fawning - jebkinnisonforum.com/post/49256/Do you use pendulation when you are getting stuck - jebkinnisonforum.com/post/13370/You can talk to your inner little girl in a kind way, forgive her and give her a hug, and tell her that She is allowed to PLAY now ? That you, your inner devine woman, will take Care of things from now on. (There are exercises from this as well) What does your therapist tell you to do ? Is it possible that there is too much trauma energy in your system, so that your nerveus system needs more support to process what happend ? I have read/seen, that it can be typical for people with adhd to use black and white thinking What kind of regulating tools has she given you for these type of situations ? |
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Post by alexandra on Nov 6, 2022 19:04:22 GMT
I think it's okay to grapple with understanding that you were a victim in certain ways while choosing not to fall into a "victim mentality." And even being a victim isn't exactly your fault: in addition to him choosing to treat you in unacceptable ways, you were probably primed by damaged adults earlier in your life to think such treatment was normal or acceptable, and didn't fully know better. Then the question becomes, as an adult, how do you handle finding yourself in that situation and recovering from it, when you do start to become aware of what was really going on (that it was toxic and you stayed for some time because you didn't know how not to abandon yourself then)? You could choose to let it define you and stay stuck in the new trauma that situation created for you without fully processing forever. Or you can recognize that people can change and grow and heal. Which you've done in several ways since then, you did fully exit the relationship and outgrow the dynamic you had with him, which is great.
It takes time to fully process and heal, and it sounds to my not-expert opinion that you need more time to do that. Something to bring up with your therapist and discuss, if you're still going. It does take two people to continue a dynamic, it's never solely one person's "fault" (though it may not be an even 50/50 split), but there's futility after a point in assigning blame. It stops you from accepting that it happened and was what it was and then you chose to respond to the entire experience by changing in ways that were beneficial to yourself. Because holding onto assigning blame is going to keep you stuck in the anger or sadness stages of mourning. Beating yourself up may serve a purpose for a little while (denial and bargaining are stages that need to be experienced before acceptance as well), but if you can't forgive yourself and recognize you have agency NOW, then there's more work required to finish processing your emotions about it. Some of which hopefully anne's exercises will help as well.
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Post by iz42 on Nov 7, 2022 21:09:41 GMT
Thank you anne12 and alexandra. I really appreciate the exercises and thoughtful responses. This all started with a rushed conversation at the end of a therapy session that apparently triggered me, and there wasn’t enough time to address it. I have to wait a few weeks to see my therapist again but I will bring it up then. The thing that was most upsetting was that it made me think I might be abandoning myself in a similar way in my current relationship. I don’t actually think that’s true in general, but it might be true in small ways and I have to keep paying attention to it. It’s productive to see this so I can address it, but I need to be able to do that without getting stuck in beating myself up. It’s scary and demoralizing to realize that I still have blind spots even when I’m working so hard to address them. The narrative that replays when I’m triggered is that I “deserved” to be mistreated by my ex because of how I handled things. I don’t think I’ve ever processed this in therapy and I guess that’s why it’s coming up. My therapist mostly helped me emotionally separate from that relationship and set boundaries with my ex. What I need to focus on is that I am worthy of being treated well, and I am capable of advocating for myself to get my needs met. I’m doing this now even though it’s hard and uncomfortable. My boyfriend and I are both working hard on supporting each other and there has been good progress. |
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lj
New Member
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Post by lj on Nov 21, 2022 22:39:47 GMT
You need to somehow stop the blame its hard I do it also i probably will never stop. As an outsider looking in we would see it but we cant see it for ourself. .. it's horrible feeling. I had a therapist quit because I kept saying it's my fault. I coukd not stop saying it. I just said it all the time. Today I had a crying fit . Saying it was all my fault. 13 years I don't think im going to get better to be honest. Don't help I run back into the fire . I hope you get better. It is not your fault I promise you it was not
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Post by tnr9 on Nov 23, 2022 8:07:44 GMT
I’m realizing that in grappling with my relationship with my ex who was FA, I have taken on most of the responsibility for what happened between us. It was my own issues that allowed me to get involved with him in the first place, and therefore I put myself in that situation and allowed myself to be mistreated. I was codependent. Focusing on him allowed me to escape from my own issues. He was an alcoholic and he did and said cruel and hurtful things. I know it was my responsibility to take better care of myself. It feels shameful and bad and hard to forgive myself for abandoning myself in that way. It’s in the past now (thank goodness) and I have learned a lot since then, but this whole topic is pretty triggering and I can tell that when I start to relive those memories I slip into some black-or-white thinking. I think maybe it’s easier to believe that the way he treated me was my fault because that gives me more agency in the situation. I felt helpless at the time so maybe blaming myself gives me some sense of control back. At the same time, I’m letting him off the hook for mistreating me, and blaming myself tanks my self esteem. Does anyone relate to this? I completely relate…it took 5ish years to “mostly” process my relationship and break up with B..and there are still times I miss the fantasy of him. I too would blame myself instead of him…mirroring my childhood experiences with both of my parents. It was much, much easier to blame myself then to see my parents as fallible. B was also a heavy drinker and had a drug problem. He did say some inconsiderate/mean things (and believe me, it has taken a long time for me to own that about him) but what for me was far worse was the carrot dangling…..where he would talk about buying a house together etc. I now know that he was being “in the moment” when he said those things but man did I take those possibilities to heart. It crushed me when he back peddled by stating he had “doubts”. For me…the journey has been to embrace that all humans are complex…and only in movies are there designated good and bad people. |
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