|
|
Post by tnr9 on Jan 5, 2023 0:17:53 GMT
I think you are confusing FA and narcissist a bit…as well as giving her too much credit as “purposely” doing things. I would say that a majority of insecure pairings start off hot and heavy….whether it is AP with DA, FA with FA, AP with FA….the point is that in the beginning of things there are 2 people who don’t know anything about the other person…so it is easy to project fantasies upon them (consider your own reaction to what you perceived as her coming on hot and heavy). The point is…it is natural as time progresses and people become more real to each other, that things cool off a bit. The issue isn’t the cooling off, but the extreme actions and reactions to this cooling off. If you are anxious…you likely pursued her to get a “validation” fix while she was in her…”I don’t know about this, I need space to figure it out” mindset. Neither is necessarily wrong or right….the issue is there is a lack of respect of boundaries and lack of communication. I am FA but I tend to lean anxious in relationships…so breadcrumbing is not something I do…..nor do I think any FA purposely breadcrumbs. I think there is a lot that is going on inwardly with any insecure person and it can lead to a lot of misunderstandings and miscommunications. As someone very familiar with the anxious mindset…it is going to take a lot of work on your part to stop analyzing her actions and really focus on your own…but that is where the true healing begins. I don't think so she purposely does it either. She's a good person. The breadcrumbing is her uncertainty about what she wants, and/or her lack of ability to maintain boundaries. Do secure people never analyze the behavior of others? Serious question. I didn't know this if that is the case. The difference is that secure people validate their “analysis” by talking to their partner. An insecure person tends to ruminate on an analysis that is completely within his or her own mind. There is no validating or asking questions due to a fear of losing the other person. All insecure attached individuals have boundary issues….whether it is a case of boundaries that are like walls, or non existent boundaries or boundaries that fluctuate between walls and non existence. |
|
|
|
Post by alexandra on Jan 5, 2023 1:22:21 GMT
In addition to what tnr9 said about communicating and not assuming or mind-reading, the secure analysis also doesn't obscure the bigger picture. Which is, can this relationship meet my needs and are we actually compatible? "Can it meet my needs" isn't from a selfish perspective, it's from more like the perspective of put your own air mask on first in an airplane emergency before helping others. The best way to be a good partner to someone else is to be as healthy and present as you can be, mentally, physically, emotionally. So getting drained by a confusing situation or drowning in an attempt to save someone else doesn't set you both up for success together. |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jan 5, 2023 16:38:24 GMT
Something to keep in mind on the whole breadcrumb thing... an outside observer might ask: "What self-respecting person is going to scramble for crumbs?" Pigeons do that, healthy people don't. I'm not calling you a pigeon. But step back and turn a constructively critical eye on your own behavior... that's where the issue is. If someone tosses me a crumb I'm not going to lick the sidewalk for it. I've been in demeaning, awful, embarrassing relationships, so I'm not bashing or pretending I'm better. But take a look at who you've become in this deal. Then try to heal. That's what we are doing here, just about all of us. Breadcrumbing is the term I read about that somewhat describes this post breakup situation. She was clearly throwing me fresh baked honey wheat loafs soon after the breakup, and I was responding in kind although I knew to be cautious. When the loafs turned to breadcrumbs is when I started to over analyze and feel upset enough to post this. This is also when I should have just shrugged and walked away it seems. Actually probably should have gone no contact right after the breakup. That was the plan too. Then I saw her at work and I caved. I was hit with all kinds of emotions and I just had to talk to her. I asked her if I could call her later, she responded well and we started talking again. Oh well, live and learn. Also I understand your metaphor and I take no offense. It makes perfect sense. It's good to know I'm not alone on this journey. Your response is pretty normal when someone shifts radically. It triggers abandonment. The kicker is that the triggering of your own abandonment wound is what makes you keep chasing crumbs, loaves, entire sandwiches. It becomes a vicious cycle that insecure attachers get stuck in. It isn't easy to extricate yourself but you definitely can, people here have, I have. I'm on the avoidant end but it's not east facing my insecurity either. You're in the right place to begin to address your own issues, welcome. |
|
