Post by alexandra on Jan 21, 2023 18:40:04 GMT
I think this is simpler than you're allowing it to be as well. You knew he was totally emotionally unsafe for both you and a young child to have another kid with. Being a single mother with two kids, especially since one is special needs, is much more difficult than with one, and you didn't have another partner on the horizon. I think you knew deep down it was more important to protect yourself and a future child from him than to bring another person into that crazy-making and traumatic situation, so you made the choice to let the opportunity pass by. Which I think was the correct one than tie yourself to him for another 18 years. And if you're actually asking why you didn't leave him earlier to find a different partner for a child, I can see a lot of (subconscious) answers to that: didn't think you deserved better, didn't think you'd be able to meet someone in time, afraid you'd choose another guy just as bad, etc. All fear-based and steeped in insecurity.
The fact you are still processing that you didn't have a second child years later is very normal to insecure attachment styles, btw. They stop you from fully emotionally processing issues and you get stuck forever, unable to move forward, unless you work through trauma and security. FAs especially hate losing any options and have a really tough time with doors closing. It's also in line with disconnection from self, so processing is difficult anyway when you don't know how you feel in general. But it's kind of more about you can't get yourself through all the stages of grief, and get stuck in one or more. All insecure attachment styles have this emotional processing issue, having at some point been born out of trauma. The early trauma often needs to be at least somewhat healed or addressed to unlock the ability to move forward, but that's scary and pushed down for a reason so it's not easy.