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Post by seeking on Jan 23, 2023 3:43:39 GMT
tnr9 actually, I just re-read this "narcs push for children and marriage to lock in supply. Not necessarily from the partner when the push is for children, but from the children. " Maybe I am not sure what you mean, but do you mean using the children for supply? Maybe not. But if so, not sure I can even imagine that.
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Post by seeking on Jan 23, 2023 3:48:47 GMT
I just wanted to share this -- and thank you all for your insights and feedback here -
My daughter had to track her dad down all day. He's sick (fever, maybe cv, idk) but couldn't get him to give her a call to help with math. When he finally did (he texts her things like, "I was sleeping," rather than giving her a time) (as if she cares). I overheard them on Zoom. And I had *that moment* -- and this happens often -- when I'm like, "Oh, actually, maybe he is just a regular guy and there was something really wrong with me - or, at the very least, we just weren't compatible. And GF saw the good in him and maybe he isn't a bad guy."
I went and dismissed my reality again. Seems like a specialty of mine?
But then suddenly, my daughter said from the other room "That was an hour and I only did half of it!" I was like, Dad got off the call with you just like that? She said yeah he told me I could do the rest on my own. They weren't on the call for an hour. And the fact that he never asks her how she's doing with school, with math - ever. We have to chase him, write him several emails, she has to text him repeatedly. That all competes with the above reality I seem to like to portray to somehow - hurt myself?
Anyway, I'm feeling like it's easier for me to hold on to things at this very moment. To see more clearly rather than to let things blur . . .
And, yes, he did text me to ask to talk to her teacher (he isn't paying for her online classes and has no idea where she even attends) - and he did apparently text her that he loved her.
But I still can trust the feeling I have in my body versus his occasional "helps his kid with math" moments. Just saying - that's huge progress for me.
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Post by usernametaken on Jan 23, 2023 5:20:38 GMT
When we are young and our parents are not safe, we have to learn to disassociate from that. So instead of thinking my parents are not safe we think "there is something wrong with me" and continue to cling to them. Perhaps that is some of what is happening here? You are so used to dismissing yourself to stay connected to others that it's just an unconscious habit at this point.
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Post by tnr9 on Jan 23, 2023 18:30:50 GMT
tnr9 actually, I just re-read this "narcs push for children and marriage to lock in supply. Not necessarily from the partner when the push is for children, but from the children. " Maybe I am not sure what you mean, but do you mean using the children for supply? Maybe not. But if so, not sure I can even imagine that. Correct…as a source of validation, a legacy, an extension of himself. |
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Post by seeking on Jan 23, 2023 19:32:32 GMT
tnr9 actually, I just re-read this "narcs push for children and marriage to lock in supply. Not necessarily from the partner when the push is for children, but from the children. " Maybe I am not sure what you mean, but do you mean using the children for supply? Maybe not. But if so, not sure I can even imagine that. Correct…as a source of validation, a legacy, an extension of himself. Oh ew. When I thought about this as a possibility, I remembered the times he'd ask our daughter to go places that made no sense - like a party at his girlfriend's mom's house. It would be so inconvenient for my daughter and she wouldn't want to go and he'd insist, and I never got why. He couldn't care less about her autism, how she's doing in math, if she has needs, if she wants to spend time with just him - but it was important for him to go to GF's mom's house. So that explains it. Ew ew ew. It's like saying, "See, I'm a decent guy. Look at me taking care of my daughter." Plus, even my daughter (who is 13) questions how he can have more kids when he (and these are her words) "Can't even take care of the ones he does have." Between his GF's two kids who lost their dad, one is on the spectrum, and my kid, that's plenty of needs to be met right there -- not to mention continuing to bring more into the picture. So yep. This would make a lot of sense in his context. |
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Post by seeking on Jan 23, 2023 19:35:43 GMT
And I suppose at this point, with 4 kids - 2 who've come to see him as a father figure, and now two together - GF has even more motivation to not see reality with him. I really don't get how. The writing's been on the wall. But I can't imagine fighting behind a guy in court to take resources from his child and say that he's so disabled, he can't possibly pay support and calling CPS on that woman. That said a lot to me about her. Who knows if she'll ever figure it out.
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Post by seeking on Jan 24, 2023 2:09:15 GMT
When we are young and our parents are not safe, we have to learn to disassociate from that. So instead of thinking my parents are not safe we think "there is something wrong with me" and continue to cling to them. Perhaps that is some of what is happening here? You are so used to dismissing yourself to stay connected to others that it's just an unconscious habit at this point. This feels like such a beautiful recognition. Thank you. And yes. It's the primary subject of therapy right now - not so much with the details I shared here or specifics, but as a pattern. It's been life-changing coming out of it. |
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Post by annieb on Jan 26, 2023 16:24:40 GMT
Seeking, my old friend. Sorry I’ve been MIA. I read the three parter and started reading everyone’s responses. This may have already been mentioned but look up Cassandra Syndrome. It might be helpful. Also read about Aspergers spouses.
I went through something along the same lines with the last guy I dated, and I continued to date on and off for no other reason than confusion. I myself ended up in the Cassandra Syndrome Facebook group that was immensely helpful for me to finally end that relationship for good.
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Post by annieb on Jan 26, 2023 16:38:22 GMT
And just the very random tidbit I’ve learned from abusive people is that they feel like they are the victim and they abuse you because they project whatever abusive qualities their primary caregiver had unto you and then fight you. I hear what you say about not wanting ti be the “victim” in the narcissistic dynamics and listening ti coaches about that and falling into that category by default. Remember that it’s only in that dynamic that you’re their perceived abuser that they fight and of course unbeknownst to you as you’re not fit for the battle they crush you into a victim. You’re not everyone’s victim with a walking target on your back. I’m glad you’re able to Susa these people out and avoid and leave the dynamics now before they have a chance to affect you.
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Post by seeking on Jan 26, 2023 23:22:15 GMT
Thanks annieb - I appreciate you chiming in. I'm sure the Asperger's played a big role. He just had a side to him though that it was more than that. It was like he wanted to destroy me - what he put me through in court was way way worse than someone who is neurodiverse and not emotionally available. Granted, I think his GF had a lot to do with it. I think, as to your second response here, I was the "shared enemy" - in the early days, I think it bonded them somehow. Don't ask me how I know this but I got the sense that she moved in and decide she agreed with his story (that he was a victim of me) and possibly even escalated that more - since she only had one side of the story. And went after me. She told me to stop berating him and abusing him! And then gave herself the permission to do things like call child protective services on me, ask for passwords to social media - all through their lawyer. But I didn't know him to be quite that "overt" - he was more covert. But beyond the GF, I always got the sense that he despised me in certain ways. He still does. He's given me SO much power and fights me within each interaction. I can sit here doing absolutely nothing and somehow how I'm doing something to him. Even when we were in court, he made himself the victim. As if I were the one who started it (I wasn't, and kept asking to go to mediation and for it to end). |
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Post by seeking on Jan 26, 2023 23:23:47 GMT
Also, the guy I was posting about here in another thread is just odd. I don't know if it's Asperger's or what, but I don't think I can do it again. He's a much safer person - as far as I can tell. (Whereas my ex had red flags from day 1). But there's something really odd about him.
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Post by annieb on Jan 27, 2023 19:38:40 GMT
Ooof seeking, that is rough. They bonded over the narcissistic victim/ abuser rigmarole. That’s just a whole new level of toxic. But to your point of it was “all you”, having had similar thoughts. It’s only “you” insofar as you stay in the dynamic. To Alexandra’s point when you were a child developing you did not have the tools to defend yourself nor did you have a sense of right and wrong that you can trust because you are being constantly gaslit by your abusive parents. That you trust and love by default as their child. A child. As adults if we perpetuate these relationships and for the life of us we can’t learn to exit them then that’s where our responsibility begins as far as staying. That’s not you though, you left.
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