Making FA aware of hers attachment style

I'm going to flip the question. What made you seek out help for your own insecure attachment style? Was it self-motivated? Was it something another person told you to do? Would you have been receptive if they had, or resentful that they think they know what's best for you better than you? Especially if it's someone you sometimes need space from?

You can't control someone else's process around trauma and attachment style. The only time I've seen someone make any leeway in sharing information is if the person came to them 100% on their own to ask for help... and even then it still depends on if that person is ready to listen or change.

You are not contributing to someone's long history of trauma by walking away from a friendship or relationship that isn't working, and isn't working in no small part because they have trust issues and are pushing you away. You are actually demonstrating healthy boundaries by not enabling them to treat you poorly (silent treatment counts as poor treatment). The idea of being a savior and having a special relationship is an AP fantasy that does not respect who the other person is or where they are at, because it projects what you think they need onto them instead of allowing them to have the autonomy to be who they are. That turns into codependence. Your coach is right that this person needs serious professional help, not someone who means well but is working through their own issues to "teach" them how to accept love.

The only thing you can possibly say is, "have you ever heard of attachment theory? I learned about my own attachment style and it's really helped me in my own life. Everyone should look it up and learn about it sometime." And leave it at that. But I strongly agree with your coach's advice. It isn't giving up to recognize incompatibility, it is healthy to let go, with love, of friendships that are unbalanced and don't work smoothly. She is not your project to work on, focus on yourself instead.

It's understandable that you have compassion for her and want to help. I agree with alexandra that the only thing appropriate to do is mention it, and then you ought to relinquish any control or agenda for her healing process, it's not appropriate to do anything to try to influence or steer that though you may be coming from a good place.

If you don't want to leave her then that's your prerogative. Do be mindful of any boundaries she's set. If you are acting out your AP style here it will take you down that road and leave you frustrated in due time, there is no rush to get to the bottom of your own insecure relationship style, it will be there until you fully resolve it. In the meantime, there's a saying... when the student is ready, the teacher appears. I always took that to mean that what you have in your life is there for a reason... to teach you something about yourself really. So maybe you will come to see that she's not here for you to help, she's here to challenge the parts of yourself that are the fixer, healer, helper parts of you which are insecure and come from a well meaning but untimately dysfunctional place. For more information on the fixer, healer, helper mentality, search those terms on the site Baggage Reclaim. You may identify with what is revealed there.

It isn't sad, though, it's empowering. It is within anyone's own control to change into whoever they want to be if they really want to do it. You don't need another person to do anything for you, it is all within your own control. It helps immensely to have professional help, of course, but I think it would be far sadder if no one could change or heal without relying on knights in shining armor to swoop in and make decisions for them!

You cannot give another person worth. They need to choose to learn to believe in themselves. If someone believes they are worthless and will always be left, they will always find a way to keep believing it, and yes sabotage things, even if the other person never "leaves." Because it is about themselves not about the other person. The wound is within themselves, and until they learn not to abandon themselves first, they will keep pushing others away no matter what. Maybe slower with some people than others, but if these wounds are unaddressed, they'll still do it down the line. You cannot love an adult into loving themselves. They need to love themselves first before they can properly love others.

AP look to other people to emotionally regulate them, due to various complicated reasons from their past, and due to trusting others more than self. They have major issues emotionally regulating themselves. But they also tend to project that on others, that everyone needs someone else to emotionally regulate them. This isn't actually true. DA flat out resent it, partially due to distrust of others. FA go back and forth since they switch between anxious, looking for the codependent external emotional regulation (partially due to distrust of self), and avoidant, not wanting it at all (partially due to distrust of others). Secure people will want a balance with healthy boundaries: they'll seek a supportive partner but not one who tries to enmesh and save the day because a mature, healthy adult needs to be able to self-soothe. Comfort with independence and inter-dependence, appreciating support but still knowing and wanting to be responsible for their own moods and reactions.

Children need help grounding their nervous systems and need others to emotionally regulate them when they are too young to do it themselves, but in doing so, they are taught by the others over time how they can learn to self-soothe, and make the transition into doing so as they get older. If a child never learned this, and it is typical enough for insecure attachers to not get the opportunity, then they need professional help to show the way because you don't quickly and subconsciously learn and internalize this stuff as an adult in the way you could as a child. And because it's a combined effort of rewiring your own nervous system, healing trauma, and learning new skills.

Trying to "help" someone do this when you are a romantic partner completely screws up the relationship, in regards to one of you essentially becomes the parent instead of a romantic partner, the other will lose attraction to you, there is enmeshment, it screws up boundaries, it does not create a healthy dynamic over time at all. It does not create a partnership of equals, either.

In order for someone to show up in a relationship, they need to feel okay with themselves, and be whole on their own. If they have an insecure attachment style, then they need to decide as an adult to take the responsibility to get there, even though it wasn't their fault they had a rough past. It doesn't change the fact they did have a rough past and have to learn how to live in a better way for themselves and heal.

If you want to be with her, you need to accept her exactly as she is, even if she never changes. If she does decide to get help, then great for her! She will change and you will see if you still like each other and want the same things even after she is different. But it is her decision. One thing I can tell you from years of screwing up myself is that if you are in a romantic relationship and believe it would just be so great if the other person would only change in some way, then the relationship is doomed.

You don't have to end everything. You can be just friends if you truly have no romantic agenda, and it would not distract you from building new connections with other women. It also sounds like you've already assessed her ability, but you don't like the answer (you didn't like the coach's answer and hoped you would hear something different here). Just don't settle for breadcrumbs... having a significant other who will still text you but ignores you in person is not a functional relationship.

This is the perfect approach. In my opinion. It'd be cool to have a FAQ with top recommendations for how to address an unaware person- this should be at the top of the list!

Good points, true.

And anyway, I think the odds of the personal in question biting and delving into AT are extremely low based upon what I've seen. It's an insecure fantasy, all of it. Ive never seen that pan out. I am nearly certain people here asking would love to provide that special update and let us know we are all wrong if we are wrong. Never had one single person come back and say things worked out like they hoped. Not one single time and I've seen this question posted a LOT.

Even if that person is interested and curious about attachment if someone isn't in the place to do the emotional work, it won't really do anything for them.

They may read some material, understand it in theory but not really "get" how it is showing up in their relationships or how to even start to fix their patterns. I've seen this response more than once.

Exactly. It took many situationships to even get me to start understanding how attachment was causing issues for me. Then months of reading, a year of weekly therapy and then even more reading and I'm still a massive work in progress. When I started I got it but didn't really get it.