Post by introvert on Feb 23, 2023 14:42:08 GMT
That's great that you can say this.
I think it would be the same for me, although I haven't really had that opportunity in a long time.
But I was actually just thinking about this the other day - or, more, that it came to me.
He started doing intermittent reinforcement right from the beginning. I don't know if this was intentional or not -- but I know I had a "dark night of the soul" -- it was a lot of "I'm here, I'm not here." "I like you, . . . disappear." "I decided I like you." (Somehow that felt like I had to be chosen). It was all so bewildering - but perfect for someone like me who had zero self-confidence, and a lot of shame and a father who didn't show up for me. I can see where my brain became addicted to it - like a dopamine hit. It was all so horrible. I feel sorry for that version of me.
I don't remember any intermittent reinforcement, but that's not really my "hook" if you will. I think that pairings can be uniquely triggering, depending on our own internal narrative AND what's going on in our lives at the time. There are overall patterns to dysfunction, but the over arching one is simply being emotionally unavailable to myself.... it all started there for me, that's the way I see it and process it.
I think my whole adult life had changed the most by understanding myself and being present to what's going on inside me, and relationships ith other people are secondary. In other words, being able to empathize with myself means I'll get my needs met and I don't need a particular person to do that... there is no shortage of kindness in the world and I can find belonging through a meditation app, my own practices, and also through human connection (it used to be primarily nature that made me feel welcome in the world).
When I met this guy, I was just trying to do what people do and make my life easier I guess. Who knows, but I had no idea about true connection. I wasn't looking for "love", I was looking for partnership in a more practical sense. Boy did I blow that, I guess I didn't have any good modeling for that either hahaha