Friend Issues Mar 22, 2023 2:27:21 GMT via mobile
Post by krolle on Mar 22, 2023 2:27:21 GMT
Thanks for this reminder.
Last night one of the friends I mentioned and I had a couple exchanges, and it just all felt so toxic and really hit on one my original wounds which is my father not respecting boundaries, to where people throughout my life felt I had early sexual violations. Nothing I recall -- but this person just made comments again about why can't we just talk on the phone, please. And I know once I get on the phone, there will be more demands, and more. Until I just don't exist, feel swallowed whole. My needs/boundaries/preferences, "no," doesn't matter. Or is met with resentment and passive aggressive comments.
So I kept the boundary. I was torn inside - I'm her friend, go ahead and call her. But I told myself, I'm not sure if I'm her friend.... and that's when it hit me, I may lose another "friend," --
And the grief and sadness overtook me. I was at last alone with myself, still. No distractions. <----- This is the place I think many codependents avoid. And here I was. It was sort of sickening. But I had to have some kind of faith that it was okay. I'd read enough, learned enough, believed enough that all the coping strategies in the world were just that - coping and managing and when that was happening, real healing couldn't take place.
So it was full sobriety. And it was awful.
But I saw how much I rely on these coping strategies. How certain relationships can distract me from my own stuff--unprocessed trauma, pain, unresolved issues.
I think that's why I get so triggered or see this as shadow work b/c I'm annoyed with other people for not doing their work, and seemingly relying on me as a distraction. Meanwhile . . . .
Anyway. More healing. But this has been such a transformative thread for me.
I understand the annoyance at other people for not facing their problems.And I have definately felt the sting of having to abandon people who you thought good friends and lovers because their toxicity is draining. As Im sure several have had to cut me out for similar reasons.
I'v heard it said we connect with people who are of similar emotional maturity as ourselves. Maybe you're frustrated that as you face this stuff and grow you are disconnecting with people who are still stuck at a less developed level.
And it's completely understandable to feel annoyed when you are trapped between a feeling of obligation and someone who will sap your willpower to reinforce boundaries.