Post by lovebunny on May 21, 2023 15:10:07 GMT
Hi seeking . Thank you for checking in! I know it sounds bad, but hear me out
The poly guy I'm involved with isn't new, he was someone I'd already been seeing for about a month and a half before breaking up with poly exbf. So he's a pre-existing condition, if you will.
He is long distance, married, and so far hasn't triggered any stress in me. Perhaps because it's low stakes for me, I only see him once a month or so, I'm not interested in him as a life partner (he already has one, anyway we're not compatible on that level because he's poly and not into nature enough.) He already knows I'm looking for something more serious with someone, and when I find a candidate our thing may end or become platonic.
In the meantime, we have great, honest, deep conversations, he shows up once a month or so, and it's like a mini-vacation from my life. He sweeps me off to some place I could otherwise not afford, I get some of my needs for sex/touch/attention attended to, then we return to separate lives in separate states.
So far, he's been very consistent, true to his word, and even when my body had stopped responding to exbf due to emotional trauma, my body responded just fine to this guy. It should have been a huge hint to me that my time with exbf was coming to an end.
I believe he is securely attached so it's been interesting to observe what interactions with him look/feel like, and to hear how his open r'ship with his wife of 35+ years works.
For the record, I never said (and I don't know if I want) to be fully monogamous, but more like monogam-ish or mono-flexible, like how I see a lot of folks in the queer community handle their long-term r'ships, with a little more sexual freedom than in heteronormative r'ships. I'm talking a well-negotiated, well-designed r'ships that puts the partnership first and keeps anything else uber-casual and occasional. But I also think I could be just fine being monogamous with the right person.
What I could NOT do was share my boyfriend with a local, single, second girlfriend, way too close to poly on the mono-poly spectrum for me. Somehow in this case, being the "guest star" to the married poly guy doesn't feel bad. I'm not jealous of his wife, I don't want to build a life with him.
I had a date this past week with a gentlemen older than me by 14 years, he was handsome and charming, but also long distance. He drove 8 hours to meet me, which was flattering. He says he's open to monogamy or nonmonogamy, when I asked him how many women he was currently sleeping with he said 3 (!) I said I didn't want to do poly, if we we got serious would he let them go? He said if that's where our r'ship went, sure. He's still talking to me, but I don't know if I/we're going to pursue this seriously.
I think I'll text him today for some clarity on his vision of a r'ship.
I am still anxious a.f. in general, some of it is because I am scared to run into exbf and open the wound afresh, that still fills me with terror. I'm also having tons of anxiety surrounding the play I'm in. I was cast as the lover of a beautiful woman young enough to be my daughter, and I'm getting a little too into it. Like I find myself getting jealous when she's had her attention on me and the director takes away her attention, nonsense like that. I fantasize about how I might seduce her (no idea lol.) It takes a great deal of effort to remember that our closeness isn't real, yes, she's pansexual, but in a monogamous r'ship (we had dinner once and talked about our orientations) and has given me no indication that she finds me desirable.
I'm also worried I'm not emotionally stable enough to pull off this performance. I feel tense and self-conscious, I'm struggling to remember lines and prop business, and it's a friggin' two woman show, I need to pull myself together! So mostly, I've been focusing on the play and not dating or socializing or worrying about making more money. It's taking up all of my anxious attachment energy!
The poly guy I'm involved with isn't new, he was someone I'd already been seeing for about a month and a half before breaking up with poly exbf. So he's a pre-existing condition, if you will.
He is long distance, married, and so far hasn't triggered any stress in me. Perhaps because it's low stakes for me, I only see him once a month or so, I'm not interested in him as a life partner (he already has one, anyway we're not compatible on that level because he's poly and not into nature enough.) He already knows I'm looking for something more serious with someone, and when I find a candidate our thing may end or become platonic.
In the meantime, we have great, honest, deep conversations, he shows up once a month or so, and it's like a mini-vacation from my life. He sweeps me off to some place I could otherwise not afford, I get some of my needs for sex/touch/attention attended to, then we return to separate lives in separate states.
So far, he's been very consistent, true to his word, and even when my body had stopped responding to exbf due to emotional trauma, my body responded just fine to this guy. It should have been a huge hint to me that my time with exbf was coming to an end.
I believe he is securely attached so it's been interesting to observe what interactions with him look/feel like, and to hear how his open r'ship with his wife of 35+ years works.
For the record, I never said (and I don't know if I want) to be fully monogamous, but more like monogam-ish or mono-flexible, like how I see a lot of folks in the queer community handle their long-term r'ships, with a little more sexual freedom than in heteronormative r'ships. I'm talking a well-negotiated, well-designed r'ships that puts the partnership first and keeps anything else uber-casual and occasional. But I also think I could be just fine being monogamous with the right person.
What I could NOT do was share my boyfriend with a local, single, second girlfriend, way too close to poly on the mono-poly spectrum for me. Somehow in this case, being the "guest star" to the married poly guy doesn't feel bad. I'm not jealous of his wife, I don't want to build a life with him.
I had a date this past week with a gentlemen older than me by 14 years, he was handsome and charming, but also long distance. He drove 8 hours to meet me, which was flattering. He says he's open to monogamy or nonmonogamy, when I asked him how many women he was currently sleeping with he said 3 (!) I said I didn't want to do poly, if we we got serious would he let them go? He said if that's where our r'ship went, sure. He's still talking to me, but I don't know if I/we're going to pursue this seriously.
I think I'll text him today for some clarity on his vision of a r'ship.
I am still anxious a.f. in general, some of it is because I am scared to run into exbf and open the wound afresh, that still fills me with terror. I'm also having tons of anxiety surrounding the play I'm in. I was cast as the lover of a beautiful woman young enough to be my daughter, and I'm getting a little too into it. Like I find myself getting jealous when she's had her attention on me and the director takes away her attention, nonsense like that. I fantasize about how I might seduce her (no idea lol.) It takes a great deal of effort to remember that our closeness isn't real, yes, she's pansexual, but in a monogamous r'ship (we had dinner once and talked about our orientations) and has given me no indication that she finds me desirable.
I'm also worried I'm not emotionally stable enough to pull off this performance. I feel tense and self-conscious, I'm struggling to remember lines and prop business, and it's a friggin' two woman show, I need to pull myself together! So mostly, I've been focusing on the play and not dating or socializing or worrying about making more money. It's taking up all of my anxious attachment energy!
" YOU TREATED ME LIKE CRAP THEN DUMPED ME! What exactly did you think we were going to be to each other after that? Friends? What would that even look like? I don't keep single straight guy friends that I just like, hang around with. Why would I do that with you?