Observing This

Thank you for sharing this.

This feels really profound to me right now.

And I hope you don't mind me commenting more - this is about my experience, but what you said is inspiring me to say this.

This is exactly what is happening right now. There was a time I couldn't be around my father without taking a benzo. Anything he said to me felt like an attack and was so incredibly triggering. I hated him but loved him, was truly terrified of him (granted, yes, he was physically violent to my mother and did hit me once). I was at the height of my victim status..... I was also physically sick. My ex had just basically abandoned our kid and payment toward anything. That was 7 years ago. 

Whatever the reason, I now talk to my dad several times a week. I listen as he talks *at* me -- I no longer feel super triggered by him not really knowing what I do. I do still have some abandonment around it. I do still have some hurt, anger. But not really resentment. No blame. I'm no longer a victim. I've also let go of a lot of that around my ex.

I see my clients who are still stuck - mired in blaming parents and insisting they do better, change, be different, meet their needs, etc. I remember being there. I see the futility of that. 

This is also true with my mother--all her ADHD ways that triggered my "I must not be enough," "My mother doesn't like me," etc... isn't about me anymore. I have compassion for her--I know her early trauma. I wish I could help her in some way. 

*From that place* -- it was like I was picking people I could still work all this out with. Who had a charge for me in some way. It was like I'm writing about in another post on the drama triangle - I needed someone who could be in the triangle with me, likely the victim or perpetrator. 

Now I'm in a weird no-man's land. I'm no longer attracted to those types. I no longer identify as victim. I do still rescue (in friendships) and I'm working on that. But it's uncomfortable, foreign, new. 

I'm also not looking for a "daddy" to rescue me like I used to. That feels like the unhealthy version of what I'm looking for now - which is a male figure to be a male (like in the example I left about my friend). Still thinking about this. 

But I think until we do that work with our parents, we are in the victim mentality and all that comes with that -- I know this now from experience (only very recent experience). It feels huge. 

Introvert, that was a great post and helps me to see some of the path ahead.

It took my parents being in a car accident that nearly took them both a year and a half ago for this change to happen. I want the time I have with them now and I cherish it and get to know them in new ways. They are more vulnerable now too I think b/c of it. Prior to it, they were both still very active in their own unhealthy behaviors, but it changed them and it changed me. My dad is still a disaster in many ways. But I have more context for them now - like you said you are aware of their tragic family stories and fewer resources, less awareness and it makes my heart hurt for them in ways..... my dad told me the other day he regrets that he worked in a factory his whole life and did things he never should have done -- and now has a lung condition from it... He didn't have the support and encouragement to do things he wanted. Neither are doing fun things in their forced retirement (from the accident) they have a disaster of a home they have to clean up from my dad's many years of hoarding. But they do love us -- my sister and I -- and their grandkids. But they are more like children in many ways. And eventually they'll need more of my care, which will get complicated.

But, like you said - the anger is justified. But I'm not living from that place right now. I'm also not "forgetting" because all of it shaped my life and is the work I'm doing now to heal. But forgiving? Yes. And there is so much freedom in that. More than t he cliche of it will ever allude to!

I don't know that it's important to meet this guy at all, so this isn't an encouragement to do so... but for what it's worth my partner is extremely frugal (with a wealth of assets because of it though....) and I am not frugal (lived so restricted during single mom years I went the other way I think lol).

We have separate finances, and I make my own decisions and he makes his own decisions around things like this. Dating or being in a relationship with a person needn't change how you shop, eat, or take care of your kid. Financial compatibility is important but again if you are maintaining financial independence to a large degree it's not a huge issue, at least not a deal breaker.

Again, you can interpret him but don't know his thoughts about your lifestyle unless you have actually asked and discussed.

So this situation can be a big learning experience even if you just call it off and don't meet. It may be that you don't have enough interest to meet and that's appropriate, but just know that the lack of meeting and communicating is something you can adjust next time around with someone.

Yes. This.

And your point taken about the compatibility, etc.

Ty.

Not at all off base. This really helps.

I think it is separate.

Years ago? I think it was merged -- I was looking for someone to rescue me. I wanted someone to provide for me. I had a mom and sister who married men and mostly stopped working when they had kids. I wanted that lifestyle.

Now I've had most of my life without that - except for the one year my daughter was a baby and I mostly took care of her (though still worked). And I'm used to it. I feel like it's healthy for me to say I want this and this versus kind of lie to myself or pretend or act independent but secretly want this. I'm honest about it. But, yes, I see how it is separate from the father wound and how the two could easily merge at times.... but they are separate. 

And I love the idea of a healing relationship. 

My brain is still wrapping itself around these words. 

But I think I know what you're talking about. The last line is what hits home.

I just dug up a lot in therapy this morning. I can write more about it and maybe it's the "hole" -- but for now, I'm wondering if ...

Feeling overwhelmed, feeling lonely, feeling isolated, feeling a sense of not "being a part of things"/belonging, wanting to feel seen, witnessed, desiring connection are "holes"? And meeting someone who meets that is "rescue"? Or if that's normal? I think that's what my brain is trying to understand. 

Isn't that the whole gestalt of why people form connections (romantic relationships/partnering) in the first place? Unless there are just zillions of codependent situations out there, it seems like I'm not alone in that. But I do know there's an issue. I guess I'm having a hard time really grasping and separating out the issue versus human longing/wiring.

I don't mean to keep being so contradictory but for clarification I'm not super romantic! In fact, I think if someone were to ask me my love language, it would be helping me with sh*t! Lol. Mow the lawn? Build a shed? Pick up groceries? Yeah, baby, lol. 

This is why I get envious of women who are married and have partners they have kids with b/c the emotional investment is there -- meaning they're in it together. Now I'm in the awkward position of hoping someone will want to be invested enough to help. Rather than that being "built in" when it's your own kid and family. Those women don't have to want that b/c they are getting it. I'm "wanting" it and then it looks like I'm filling a hole. 

I guess I'm just trying to figure out the hole thing b/c even though I do see possibly where the dad wound stuff is (therapy session today), I am still not able to view my need as a hole. I have single mom friends who are in relationships before the one they're in even ends! My ex did that. That seems to speak of a hole. My ex even voiced that he had a hole to fill years ago when he met and I didn't know what he was even talking about. It's why he wanted kids, he said! WTF? How did I even just skip over that.

I was busy commuting to another country, wanted to write a book and told him we should travel first. I was living life and knew I had to find a partner b/c my clock was ticking but was otherwise happy having affairs.

And then I ended up in France one time and my good friend just bought a house and was pregnant with her second child and I had this weird feeling--I was going on tour busses and seeing families together and like "hm..." I think I was so (and still can be) darn neurodivergent it never even occurred to me people had timelines and got married, bought a house, had kids, etc. So I started to think, hm. Well maybe there's something to that -- this traveling does get lonely. Maybe I'm not 100% satisfied.  I end up meeting a guy through a craiglist ad looking for writers groups in Rome. He convinces me to come to come to Rome (I was about to fly home). I travel from France to Rome, we meet and hang out and fall for each other. We have a blast - always laughing hysterically, enjoying one another, clunkily speaking Italian together. And then I get an email from my mom saying. "It's happening."

She was referring to my sister getting engaged. Something in me felt so .... wrong. Here I was at some internet cafe doing what? Roaming around random countries. What exactly was I doing? I longed I guess for something "recognizable" or "Organized" or that made sense or that.... got my parents approval? It was all very unconscious at the time and I felt a new tension that got so strong, I left Rome. Left the guy. I was devastated. But it was like I had no control over this....

All our talk of books and walks, and fun. He wanted kids and a family and mentioned marriage (as in, would you ever get married to me at some point?) 

I left.

I started dating hedge-fund guys in NYC. (My sister's fiancé was a finance guy). I was miserable. I dated with the intent of marrying. And soon. (The guy in Rome had a job as a tourguide and had no money and I thought I had to have a provider, like my sister.)

I thought the life I was living was wrong and something was wrong with me and I needed to straighten out my act and get it together.

The guy in Rome and I tried to make it work but he wasn't willing to come to the states, and I was now deadset on following some script. 

It's a pretty hard story. I don't think I ever shared it here. It's hard to even write. 

I met my ex. I had a dark night of the soul after that. Which I know now why. I must have had some prescience of what was to come? He was always "undecided" about me. "And now I decided I like you." 

A month or so in, he said, "Let's do the unconventional thing and have a baby." I was 36. I knew my time was running out (back then it felt like it already did). He was handsome, young, had a job, had similar family dynamics... I said, "no, let's go to Italy." And told my mom I was buying us tickets for Christmas. And she said, "That's too soon." 

Ha, well by November I was pregnant. 
He never intended to marry me.
The rest is history. 

Sorry for just blurting all that out. But I just wonder if *that girl* the one that didn't get near-destroyed through narc-abuse in this situation with my ex -- had a hole? Maybe. But sometimes I relate to her more than my wounding that developed since meeting my ex. 

I did try to tell him I wanted to travel and bring our daughter back to Italy and "world school." I had so much joy and life in me then. He hated all of that and threatened me. 

Here I am 14 years later. My daughter (who doesn't know much of this) teachers herself Italian and asks me if we can go. .... weird stuff.