FA ex reached back out and I'm shocked by her words

Truth isn't an array of options at a cafeteria. You can't just slide your tray down the line and pick the dishes you'd like. What is personalized is belief. You have your beliefs, and I have mine. What we believe is person-relative. The difference here is incredibly important. Some of our beliefs are true. Some of our beliefs are not. In neither case is the truth itself personalized. My beliefs include the view that God exists. Maybe your beliefs don't. There is only one truth, however. God exists, or God doesn't. To substitute beliefs with truths as if they are synonymous is dangerous, enabling behavior that ignores logic, reason, and objectivity. And sometimes, most definitely most of the time, our beliefs are the truth. But that doesn't make it ours. That doesn't make it personal. It is what is it is independent of personalization whether there is overlap or not.

While our perspectives and beliefs in the world are diverse, the truth is not. I find it incredibly beneficial to understand and hear out other perspectives and beliefs in fact. But the truth? It's unwavering. It isn't there to be personalized. Our seeking of it is one of life's greatest journeys, and our discovering of it may or may not confirm our beliefs. If we're trying to talk about someone's perspective, we shouldn't call it their "subjective truth". That term itself is a conflicting misnomer. We should call it their belief, because that's what it is.

To apply this logic to this thread. My FA ex believes I am a narcissist. I believe I am not a narcissist. Is either of us right or wrong? Yes, absolutely. The truth is that I am not a narcissist. Thus, I am in fact right, and she is wrong. Will the truth influence or change her belief? No, no it won't. She will live her life with the belief that I am a narcissist, and I will continue living my life with the belief that I am not. In this example, my belief happens to overlap with the truth that I am not a narcissist. But that doesn't make it mine. And, again, the distinction is incredibly important.

"The truth shall set you free". There's a lot of wisdom in that statement.

Respectfully, you may find that this belief/attitude will make your life much more difficult than it needs to be specifically related to this situation you've described, and more generally. There is no objective truth in subjective experience, of which all relating is. You have your experience, she has hers. Both are valid and true for each of you because that is what is alive in you. In that sense, there is not one truth; there are at least two and probably many more running concurrently, and all of them are valid.

This "there can be but one truth" is a fantasy sold to us by our culture, and all it does is perpetuate opposition because in that narrative someone has to be right, and someone has to be wrong. Your tender heart yearns for something beautiful, AND in the process it can cause unintended pain and upset for her. At the same time, her tender heart yearns for something beautiful (to not suffer, to be seen and understood, to be autonomous, etc.), AND in the process it causes you unintended pain and upset. I don't know either of you, but I'm confident that neither of you really wants upset for the other.

What is clear is that you're hurt and it makes total sense that you're hurt given what you've described. It's an awful feeling to experience what you've experienced. That you seem resentful and somewhat indignant about what hurts you points to your very valid unmet needs. Find a way to meet those needs yourself, inside your own life, because that's what you have agency over. You don't have agency over this other person's thoughts, feelings, or behavior – that's a total fantasy, and any attempt to gain agency over it is only going to lead to suffering.

Personally, when I find myself being pretty sure that others should learn to think and feel and speak and behave differently, then I find I'm thoroughly grounded in fantasy where I have absolutely no agency over what anyone else might ever do. I'm essentially standing in a place of disempowerment. Once I realize that I myself can learn to think and speak and behave differently, then I'm firmly grounded in reality where I have agency over what I do, and the environment I tend in my relating. This is true accountability and responsibility, and it has the tendency to reduce opposition.

I love this response! And really feel like there's so much juice you can get from digging into this way of thinking... there's a lot that can be learned from disassembling ideas of there being a right and a wrong in any given situation, and just focusing on understanding the pain and yearning that someone is feeling.. and also trying to tend properly to your own pain and yearning...

Some people use really dysfunctional ways of expressing their hurt and pain, but it's the same feeling underneath it. It's not wrong, it's just a very unskilled way of expressing it.

Interestingly, us AP's can get the finger out as a way of soothing our own pain. Well, not just AP's, anyone can do that... but often this analysis of action and behaviour, and the assigning of right and wrong, victim and villain... narcissist or fearful avoidant or whatever other label it is we see fit in that moment... it all distracts us from the pain and confusion that we feel, and our wish to be treated better.

To clarify that was in my text which is in the front page. Confusing, I know. The letter preceded that and it was part of a back-and-forth that lasted a few weeks after her deactivation in late February. That stretch was part of my AP tendencies of truth-seeking and her further distancing, etc. She was mildly receptive during that time. Cold, but receptive. My letter was empathetic to her, but at the time I was not aware of fearful avoidancy. I did tell her in the letter that I felt it was inappropriate of how she ended things, how she didn't give me a phone call or provide any clarity as to why she ended things, but that I wanted the best for her and wished her well. It was very much filled with "I believe..." statements.

That part of my text was in reference to that. "I don't blame you anymore <for the way you ended things>". Because, at the time of the text, I understood her FA tendencies. I knew she didn't intend to hurt me and that it was all a defense mechanism to protect herself. I still realize that. The whole point of this thread was to try to gain understanding as to why she chose to partake in the "rewriting of the history" of what occurred between us, because everything points to the contrary of what she said in her last text to me where she lashed out. Our time together, in person meet-ups, her behaviors, texting, etc. It speaks to someone who cared about me, who said she loved me, called me pet names, and invited me into her world. Not someone who colored me black including all of our past experiences.

This has been an interesting thread for its twists and turns. You talk of nuances, I disagree. I think the main message if this forum is “look at yourself”, and “How have you put yourself in a position to be disappointed” as well as “now knowing about the AT dynamics of both parties, what action are you taking for you?” While there are times we get caught up in the minutiae, these messages prevail in every part of this forum. That’s why it can sometimes seem harsh and arbitrary, but it’s out of personal experience.

I wish you all the best.