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Post by happyidiot on Jul 18, 2019 6:59:51 GMT
People high in anxiety tend to get sick a lot. Digestive system problems, headaches, neck/backaches, more severe or more frequent colds/flus, etc. It's not because we are "faking it," but the anxiety is a contributing factor. The mind and body are not separate!
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Post by gaynxious on Jul 25, 2019 21:31:35 GMT
I saw a lecture on attachment types by a Scottish researcher where she said avoidants typically get sick often because they have week immune systems due to the stress of their inability to handle the emotions of others. Not sure how robust this is but it’s a data point.
My avoidant ex was sick very frequently, I have HIV positive friends that get sick less often.
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Post by happyidiot on Aug 3, 2019 3:23:28 GMT
Gosh, it is SO hard sometimes to not think someone is faking it! When someone says they feel sick so often and uses their illnesses as an excuse for acting distant, refusing intimacy or sex, or for flaking or ghosting. I know I just said above that people are not faking it, but sometimes it can be very hard to believe. Or even if I know they aren't faking it, I can still take it personally. Like it makes me feel awful to think that someone so badly doesn't want to have sex with me that it gives them a stress headache.
I often don't feel well, and illnesses like colds cause me more distress than they seem to cause the average person, but I work very hard to not have that harm my relationships and to keep my commitments. I make an effort to avoid things that don't tend to make me feel well (like eating things that I know upset my stomach) when I have a date or plans with a friend and I take medications and things when I am not well. So when I see someone with some minor sickness like heartburn, that they got from drinking milk when milk always gives them heartburn, refusing to even take an antacid and whinging nonstop about their heartburn and saying they don't want to cuddle because of it, I feel very uncared about. Same with if a friend cancels plans at the last minute because she got her period.
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Post by nathan on Aug 8, 2019 6:10:58 GMT
This has been a topic I’m so interested in! I personally get sick very often and notice a correlation to times of stress and getting ill. I didn’t notice at first. Also the amount of stress is proportionate to the severity of actual physical symptoms! I remember specifically once being really triggered AP and getting a horrible stomach virus in the following week and not getting hungry for a couple days as a result, another time an ear infection that made me feel like I was dying because I would get dizzy and hear ringing. When I found out other people with attachment problems got sick more often than normal too it finally clicked and made sense all these times. I think there is some truth to it. Glad to say I’m doing better though 😁
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Post by throwaway1713 on Aug 12, 2019 1:41:39 GMT
Wow this has just blown my mind! Yes, yes he did.
He was regularly ill, would get flu-like symptoms frequently. He’d end up in bed unable to do anything, which would mean I’d take care of him, bring him food, drinks, medicine.
He has allergies, some of which were super severe when he was younger. He also experienced a really bad case of hives while we were together. They lasted for days and covered his whole body.
He would periodically also hide in bed, under the covers sometimes, not speaking or communicating with me in any way. Like a giant boulder in the bed. My brother suffered childhood trauma and expressed extremely difficult behavior, shutting down etc as we were growing up, so this behaviour by my ex didn’t phase me. I understood the engulfment experience without knowing that’s what it was with my ex. So I would periodically check in on him, make sure he knew I was still there and provide food/drink, but leave him to it. I knew it was like a storm and it would pass. He would always come back, sometimes slowly and in stages, but he’d make it out eventually. The bed being a safety net whether he was ill or in emotional turmoil was the connecting factor.
He’d sometimes also get quite agoraphobic and not want to leave the house. By all accounts this has improved, he’s managed to keep his current job, which involves lots of interactions with the public, for the past 2 years.
Fascinating thread, thank you for bringing this up!
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Post by Dualcitizen on Feb 11, 2020 9:35:59 GMT
Necro, but may add something. My ex. always ill, hypochondriac basically. Just gastro, general cold/flu, once every 6 weeks or so. Just thinking if you're in a state of near hyper arousal all the time (which she definitely seemingly is and it's now causing panic attacks among other more serious health issues) as this chart shows, it's no wonder, and makes total sense. Along with some reading on the Vagus Nerve/polyvagal theory and it's tie to psychosomatic symptoms. catherinehale.co.uk/understanding-our-trauma/Now I think about this chart also, her subsequent depressive state, numbing out, even witnessed a full freeze in place (she walked into a pub) after a period of no contact after my stricter boundaries, seemingly points to a Hypo arousal state being reached, and she mentioned "overwhelmed" as well. Certainly all the pieces are falling into place in terms of the behaviour, actions and words, and a link with childhood trauma, which she also mentioned numerous times. Abusive Narcissist father basically and a codependent mother. Also insomnia huge |
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Post by nyc718 on Feb 11, 2020 16:20:04 GMT
Yes, that was one big reason why I left my ex FA, because his physical issues were getting worse as we were getting closer, and that on top of the emotional issues was just to me a losing battle. He had gluten issues, breathing issues, neck pain, poor sleep, plantar fasciitis. He couldn't identify hunger and didn't seem to be hungry usually, even though he would devour his food after not eating for long periods of time. We just had no chance and I had to walk away. |
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Post by kittygirl on Feb 11, 2020 16:59:32 GMT
Oh wow! I had never really put these pieces together but I have a close FA friend who I have mentioned on here before....anyway when things start escalating with his relationships he will start to get more and more sick. Just last weekend a girl he is seeing asked him to hers for the weekend and he was "so ill" but went anyway. Once he got back he phoned me and when I asked how he was feeling he said "You know I think I just was dreading going over there so much that it manifested itself in an actual illness. I feel great now!" (of course because the weekend was over)
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Post by Helsbells on Feb 12, 2020 13:25:04 GMT
I think I have mentioned this before as it is something that I began to notice after the first month with my Ex FA. He started to get boils breaking out over different parts of his body, mainly groin and underarms.
Then his eczema flared up really bad. He told me he hadn't had a flare up in such a long time. Baring in mind he had been mainly single for over 5 years.
He then became almost an insomniac due to chronic shoulder pain which caused him to toss and turn all night. None of these conditions he complained about for the first month or so. It definitely seemed to be linked to us becoming closer and more intimate.
It's funny because when I go home to see my parents who I am severely avoidant with I become Ill and tend to cut my visits short due to feeling unwell.
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Post by dhali on Feb 12, 2020 16:39:20 GMT
I’m fa and very rarely get sick. Once every couple of years. And I have kids who get sick A few times per year. I personally find this thread to be grasping at straws. Also waaaaay too much focus on other people. Almost disturbingly so. Should we also analyze what time during the day they poop first?
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Post by kittygirl on Feb 12, 2020 18:12:43 GMT
I’m fa and very rarely get sick. Once every couple of years. And I have kids who get sick A few times per year. I personally find this thread to be grasping at straws. Also waaaaay too much focus on other people. Almost disturbingly so. Should we also analyze what time during the day they poop first? Dude really? I mean I guess I get what you are getting at but I am telling you something an FA TOLD me. I'm not grasping at straws at all. I would have gotten a notarized letter but I felt that was too much.
Dualcitizen posted an article that chronic experience in a trauma state causes a depression in immune system but you don't have to rely on him. Read the scientific articles yourself. You've said you are a "slight" FA so perhaps your immune system isn't affected in the same way?
All we are doing is sharing personal stories. It's a bit solipsistic to assume because you don't sick in response to this kind of stress that no one does.
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Post by nyc718 on Feb 12, 2020 18:31:48 GMT
I’m fa and very rarely get sick. Once every couple of years. And I have kids who get sick A few times per year. I personally find this thread to be grasping at straws. Also waaaaay too much focus on other people. Almost disturbingly so. Should we also analyze what time during the day they poop first? How is sharing about what we have experienced with others focusing way too much on others? Do you not believe that trauma can manifest in the body as sickness and disease? What I find disturbing is that you can't look outside of yourself and see this isn't about you. |
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Post by dhali on Feb 12, 2020 19:30:55 GMT
Whatevs. You can believe anything you want. But I love the scientific studies in here about illnesses associated with attachment type.
This is what falls under anecdotal at best, amongst a highly biased sample set, who also all share the common attribute of searching for answers to explain things they find unexplainable. Yes, we should gather this data and the reference it later when newcomers come by desperately seeking answers on either how they are at fault, or not at fault for a seemingly perfect relationship exploding.
“OMG, yes! He totally got sick In The first 2 months! So textbook”
Aliens to poke at, or is it that you’re actually concerned for their well being?
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Post by amber on Feb 12, 2020 19:58:06 GMT
Check out the ACE study on the link between childhood trauma and chronic illness later in life. Of course this doesn’t apply specifically to a particular attachment style,ie FA, but it does show a strong link between illness in adulthood as a result of trauma as a child. The study was done on 17,000 adults so is considered to be comprehensive and reliable in terms of its findings. Just my two cents.
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Post by Dualcitizen on Feb 12, 2020 20:04:42 GMT
I’m fa and very rarely get sick. Once every couple of years. And I have kids who get sick A few times per year. I personally find this thread to be grasping at straws. Also waaaaay too much focus on other people. Almost disturbingly so. Should we also analyze what time during the day they poop first? I personally am merely passing on information on my experiences which I thought may be helpful? I would have thought a wide cross section of experiences (trial and error) may strike a lightbulb moment for some and open up new pathways for learning about themselves? It's all on a spectrum, and so, it maybe more chronic cases this occurs? I can understand how information may seemingly be "finger pointing", and my wording may be inappropriate potentially, but I have used words like "seemingly" etc, not 100% saying but insinuating uncanny similarities? The post may come across as if you're at fault all the time. Which you are not Dhali. It does take two to tango and what happens with one couple will vary with another, and surely this is in relation to attachment styles? I am secure with a 10-15% anxious and avoidant tendency.I am a logical thinker, my job is associated, and I like to nut things out, and I find the attachment stuff fascinating to be honest, the patterning basically. Also I will add, definitely my ex. was moreso in a semi-depressed state at that time, admitted as much at around the 2 month mark when she couldn't keep the facade up any longer, said she felt like she was having a nervous breakdown. So again it does sort of link to the chart I mentioned. My relationship wasn't perfect, it was highly passionate, but I noticed instantly really there was something up, but due to being a divorcee and having kids, she did have health issues, (I think in shades of grey and give people a chance), and she was nice and did nice things for me, which also endeared me to her, even if it was a bit over the top at the time in early dating. I feel in retrospect, me slowing the relationship from her whirlwind start may also have played a part in her withdrawing (i.e. feeling like the other person is not putting in the same effort) Why I think she is F-A, the low self esteem coupled with texting me and telling me she wanted to get back together all the time, and it cycled for a short time before I nipped it in the bud. My actions of harsher boundaries and removing her from social media but readded when she came back, appeared to further increase her hypervigilance (she literally lashed out at me numerous times for no real good reason on harmless jovial statements), had full dissociation moment - Freeze in place, her anxiety was through the roof generally, she actually became sicker and was basically almost hypochondriac in nature worrying about literally every little thing etc etc, so it matches that chart moving from a hyper arousal to hypo arousal state. She was also very very negative, inner critical voice in full flight "I'm worthless, I can't do anything right" etc Also I'll link this Australian lady, who is F-A and suffers from CPTSD, her body totally shut down at one stage, couldn't walk/talk etc due to unprocessed trauma, had to have a carer. Her name is Linda and I've talked to her, she's a lovely person. Heartwarming to see her recover. www.youtube.com/channel/UCHG-PPjaH-0d7G1Fhpi_jGg |
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