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Post by yasmin on Dec 18, 2017 23:58:53 GMT
Would you be willing to tell me a bit more about your experience with your fearful avoidant ex boyfriend? Yes sure. Very briefly.... We met, he seemed lovely and he pursued me as a total gentleman saying he wanted a relationship. We had 3 or 4 dates and dating him from day one was virtually impossible. I put our conversation on the other thread if you want to read it. He basically started pulling away immediately, saying too much emotional intensity was too hard for him and making it generally difficult to spend time together. Everything was a problem. My bedroom was too hot. He was concerned I was too pretty for him. He just wanted to text me every night but was tough to make actual plans with. When I was patient and gave him space, he said he doubted we were right for each other because we lacked intimacy (at this stage I had spent a total of about 9 hours with him in a month!) and so he created a catch 22 -he didn't want to spend more time with me because it was too intense for him, and then he didn't want to continue dating because it was lacking intensity. Work that one out!!! I don't think he had any clue how crazy he sounded, I kept trying to calm him down (I am very chilled) but no matter what I did he had an obstacle. If I tried to walk away, he'd chase me back and start backtracking and saying he'd like to hang out. All the while, he kept going on about how much he wanted me sexually, but he actually seemed to avoid sex too, which was plain weird. He had sex with someone else (around our 4th or 5th date) and told me about it. Seemed incredibly destructive behavior, but whatever! Then he spent months trying to win me back, couldn't do enough for me. Eventually he built up to saying he wanted to try a relationship with me, and we started dating exclusively. He started talking about the future and he seemed serious about me. We did that for about three weeks, and he was really nice /loving and close to me and invited me on a vacation with him and we started to plan it - the day after the vacation conversation, he ghosted me. I didn't hear from him for 4 - 5 months. He then came back, apologising, saying he felt awful and that he'd got spooked because he was afraid. He spent months trying to get close to me, get my forgiveness and trust. Endless flirting, could not do enough for me and constant reminiscing and regret. I gave him another chance. He started the push-pull again almost immediately. This time it was different, he seemed genuinely upset and emotionally wrung out. I tried to ask him if he wanted a fresh start in a relationship and he said he saw me just as a friend. I said ok to being friends, he then asked me on a date, grabbed me and kissed me and right after he did that he ripped me apart and told me basically that I wasn't suitable as a girlfriend and gave me various hurtful reasons why (like I read horoscopes) and then he said when he met "the one", he'd know it and all his problems would disappear. I haven't seen him since! But what a rollercoaster this guy put me though. |
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Post by avoiddemons on Dec 19, 2017 0:19:08 GMT
Yes sure. Very briefly.... We met, he seemed lovely and he pursued me as a total gentleman saying he wanted a relationship. We had 3 or 4 dates and dating him from day one was virtually impossible. I put our conversation on the other thread if you want to read it. He basically started pulling away immediately, saying too much emotional intensity was too hard for him and making it generally difficult to spend time together. Everything was a problem. My bedroom was too hot. He was concerned I was too pretty for him. He just wanted to text me every night but was tough to make actual plans with. When I was patient and gave him space, he said he doubted we were right for each other because we lacked intimacy (at this stage I had spent a total of about 9 hours with him in a month!) and so he created a catch 22 -he didn't want to spend more time with me because it was too intense for him, and then he didn't want to continue dating because it was lacking intensity. Work that one out!!! I don't think he had any clue how crazy he sounded, I kept trying to calm him down (I am very chilled) but no matter what I did he had an obstacle. If I tried to walk away, he'd chase me back and start backtracking and saying he'd like to hang out. All the while, he kept going on about how much he wanted me sexually, but he actually seemed to avoid sex too, which was plain weird. He had sex with someone else (around our 4th or 5th date) and told me about it. Seemed incredibly destructive behavior, but whatever! Then he spent months trying to win me back, couldn't do enough for me. Eventually he built up to saying he wanted to try a relationship with me, and we started dating exclusively. He started talking about the future and he seemed serious about me. We did that for about three weeks, and he was really nice /loving and close to me and invited me on a vacation with him and we started to plan it - the day after the vacation conversation, he ghosted me. I didn't hear from him for 4 - 5 months. He then came back, apologising, saying he felt awful and that he'd got spooked because he was afraid. He spent months trying to get close to me, get my forgiveness and trust. Endless flirting, could not do enough for me and constant reminiscing and regret. I gave him another chance. He started the push-pull again almost immediately. This time it was different, he seemed genuinely upset and emotionally wrung out. I tried to ask him if he wanted a fresh start in a relationship and he said he saw me just as a friend. I said ok to being friends, he then asked me on a date, grabbed me and kissed me and right after he did that he ripped me apart and told me basically that I wasn't suitable as a girlfriend and gave me various hurtful reasons why (like I read horoscopes) and then he said when he met "the one", he'd know it and all his problems would disappear. I haven't seen him since! But what a rollercoaster this guy put me though. Our experiences are scarily similar, right down to mine also complaining that my bedroom was too hot (while just a few hours before he'd complained it was too cold!). WTH? Why do they do stuff like this? Mine didn't sleep with anyone else. But he is sooooooo skittish. |
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Post by yasmin on Dec 19, 2017 0:23:23 GMT
Well yours was different because you actually HAD a relationship. For me, I don't think that ever even happened. Just a long year of him asking for one / trying for one and then doing everything humanly possible to sabotage it when we were on the verge. I haven't had sex with him for nearly a year, so whatever his motivation is, it's emotional rather than sexual. He needs a therapist, not a girlfriend. As a sub note here: My "ex" does have relationships where he dates women for up to six months and who he sees very regularly. However, he tends to do it non-exclusively so if he is usually dating 1 - 3 at a time (he says he enjoys alternating)  and he also tends to be with women who are, for some reason or another, not suitable relationship matches. For example this summer there was one from overseas who he described as " a rough nymphomaniac that he could tolerate in small doses" and a "older woman who lives a few hours away who was discovering her libido late in life". So I guess he calls it dating but really it is non-intimate friends-with-benefits style situations that he is comfortable with. I f you asked him, he'd tell you he wanted a relationship - but then when he has the potential of one in front of him, he sabotages it. I really am not sure if he's an avoidant or an idiot  I am not a psychologist, but he does seem to tick a lot of the boxes. It might just be that he's a jerk! |
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Post by avoiddemons on Dec 19, 2017 0:31:02 GMT
My "ex" does have relationships where he dates women for up to six months and who he sees very regularly. However, he tends to do it non-exclusively so if he is usually dating 1 - 3 at a time (he says he enjoys alternating) and he also tends to be with women who are, for some reason or another, not suitable relationship matches. For example this summer there was one from overseas who he described as " a rough nymphomaniac that he could tolerate in small doses" and a "older woman who lives a few hours away who was discovering her libido late in life". So I guess he calls it dating but really it is non-intimate friends-with-benefits style situations that he is comfortable with. I f you asked him, he'd tell you he wanted a relationship - but then when he has the potential of one in front of him, he sabotages it. I really am not sure if he's an avoidant or an idiot I am not a psychologist, but he does seem to tick a lot of the boxes. It might just be that he's a jerk! Gosh!!!!! |
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Post by flowerpoww on Dec 19, 2017 1:10:01 GMT
He is setting up a catch 22! if you wanted to wait 5 years then he would probably magically want kids immediately. There is no winning with these people! Whatever you want, they will automatically want the opposite precisely because that's a barrier for you two. He sounds definitely like a fearful avoidant that I dated. Just a confusing mishmash of contradictory statements one day to the next. Would you be willing to tell me a bit more about your experience with your fearful avoidant ex boyfriend? I just posted a topic in the Fearful Avoidant section and the push-pull craziness I am dealing with: jebkinnison.boards.net/thread/380/fed-decide-cut-starts-care |
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cate
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Post by cate on Dec 19, 2017 2:05:52 GMT
Yasmin -
We may have dated the same person! 😀
My ex was different in that he did everything you’d do as a couple but INSIST he only saw me as a friend. Like he met my family. I met his. He even took me on a trip to meet his college buddy
We practically lived together at one point but there was always some skittish aspect to him. Like for instance we took a 3 week trip overseas but while there he limited our time as tourists insisting he had to work - which he didn’t. Or he’s snap at me and then wonder why I was upset. So while the trip was great - he put up barriers to bonding.
I think mine went really off kilter when he and I put an offer for a property together because sure - ‘just friends’ do that. After that fell through - he started asking for space a d taking long trips on his own and became so so busy.
I think mine veers between DA and FA. He can be very cold and prefers to not be around people and I know he doesn’t seek relationships. But he also has anxiety (he checks the boxes on almost all the ‘symptoms of a high functioning person with anxiety) so extra extra confusing!
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Post by flowerpoww on Dec 19, 2017 3:07:15 GMT
Well yours was different because you actually HAD a relationship. For me, I don't think that ever even happened. Just a long year of him asking for one / trying for one and then doing everything humanly possible to sabotage it when we were on the verge. I haven't had sex with him for nearly a year, so whatever his motivation is, it's emotional rather than sexual. He needs a therapist, not a girlfriend. As a sub note here: My "ex" does have relationships where he dates women for up to six months and who he sees very regularly. However, he tends to do it non-exclusively so if he is usually dating 1 - 3 at a time (he says he enjoys alternating) and he also tends to be with women who are, for some reason or another, not suitable relationship matches. For example this summer there was one from overseas who he described as " a rough nymphomaniac that he could tolerate in small doses" and a "older woman who lives a few hours away who was discovering her libido late in life". So I guess he calls it dating but really it is non-intimate friends-with-benefits style situations that he is comfortable with. I f you asked him, he'd tell you he wanted a relationship - but then when he has the potential of one in front of him, he sabotages it. I really am not sure if he's an avoidant or an idiot I am not a psychologist, but he does seem to tick a lot of the boxes. It might just be that he's a jerk! Gosh sounds like the guy I know. We never had an actual relationship. Suddenly he got scared of having sex with me and avoided it because we were "too attached". He keeps women on rotation for casual sex and they are mostly unattractive even though he is handsome. He considers me above his league looks wise but I think we're on par. But it's funny how they are comfortable with women they deem beneath them. |
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Post by yasmin on Dec 19, 2017 7:58:43 GMT
Mine wasn't handsome 😂
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Post by avoiddemons on Dec 19, 2017 10:21:09 GMT
Mine has repeatedly told me he is going to withhold sex because he feels it is making me too attached to him. Honestly, what he seems to really mean is that sex scares him because it makes HIM start to feel attached. Anyway, for all his talk of withholding sex he's never actually gone ahead and withheld it.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 19, 2017 15:09:47 GMT
Some of these guys sound like they have extreme anxiety and very low self esteem. Even though I am avoidant, I can't relate or make sense of the behavior.
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Post by tnr9 on Dec 19, 2017 15:20:06 GMT
Some of these guys sound like they have extreme anxiety and very low self esteem. Even though I am avoidant, I can't relate or make sense of the behavior. Mary...you fall closer to the DA side yes? I think some of these guys are more on the FA side. |
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Post by Deleted on Dec 19, 2017 16:10:14 GMT
Some of these guys sound like they have extreme anxiety and very low self esteem. Even though I am avoidant, I can't relate or make sense of the behavior. Mary...you fall closer to the DA side yes? I think some of these guys are more on the FA side. I would have to agree, if they are avoidant, then FA. I am way on the DA side. I have a good friend who is FA (by her own admission) and I don't understand her a lot either. My bf even says he doesn't see a lot of similarities between her and I. Even though I am avoidant, I find FAs really difficult to understand. I'm wondering if FA/AP is an even worse match than DA/AP. It appears to me with the FA/AP match, both are highly emotional, both are looking for reassurance, but neither get it. I don't know if other DAs are the same, but I do not have a push phase. My relationships with APs have been a constant push by the AP and a pull by me. The same ending, but a different dance. From reading on this forum. it seems with the FA/AP, it's a push/pull by both, and the phases never sync. |
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Post by tnr9 on Dec 19, 2017 16:29:30 GMT
Mary...you fall closer to the DA side yes? I think some of these guys are more on the FA side. I would have to agree, if they are avoidant, then FA. I am way on the DA side. I have a good friend who is FA (by her own admission) and I don't understand her a lot either. My bf even says he doesn't see a lot of similarities between her and I. Even though I am avoidant, I find FAs really difficult to understand. I'm wondering if FA/AP is an even worse match than DA/AP. It appears to me with the FA/AP match, both are highly emotional, both are looking for reassurance, but neither get it. I don't know if other DAs are the same, but I do not have a push phase. My relationships with APs have been a constant push by the AP and a pull by me. The same ending, but a different dance. From reading on this forum. it seems with the FA/AP, it's a push/pull by both, and the phases never sync. I think you are right....however, I think with a secure...the pull is more evident. I do believe my ex is FA but with me he was able to show more of his DA characteristics since I was the one doing the majority of pulling. I was trying to understand why I have had a harder time getting over him and I think it is because he did occationally show emotions and his self esteem was low...so I felt that my natural inclination to encourage was welcomed...whereas my DA partners did not act as if my encouragement was needed. |
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Post by Deleted on Dec 19, 2017 17:33:39 GMT
I would have to agree, if they are avoidant, then FA. I am way on the DA side. I have a good friend who is FA (by her own admission) and I don't understand her a lot either. My bf even says he doesn't see a lot of similarities between her and I. Even though I am avoidant, I find FAs really difficult to understand. I'm wondering if FA/AP is an even worse match than DA/AP. It appears to me with the FA/AP match, both are highly emotional, both are looking for reassurance, but neither get it. I don't know if other DAs are the same, but I do not have a push phase. My relationships with APs have been a constant push by the AP and a pull by me. The same ending, but a different dance. From reading on this forum. it seems with the FA/AP, it's a push/pull by both, and the phases never sync. I do believe my ex is FA but with me he was able to show more of his DA characteristics since I was the one doing the majority of pulling. I was trying to understand why I have had a harder time getting over him and I think it is because he did occationally show emotions and his self esteem was low...so I felt that my natural inclination to encourage was welcomed...whereas my DA partners did not act as if my encouragement was needed. I think yes and no. The pull was more evident with my secure bf because he asked me about it and maybe seemed more odd to him as he had never heard of avoidance. But I think less evident, because without the push, my pull was softer and less frequent. My experience with secures is very limited (he is my only one), but with him, everything seemed to be more in the open, he didn't react with emotion, but with logic and that spoke my language. Just thinking on this now, perhaps an FA momentarily gives you what you are seeking (the push phase), but cannot sustain it. It's a makeup/breakup cycle. With me, it's more of a constant. I can give the AP a little of what they are looking for (never enough), but it's a constant. |
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Post by tnr9 on Dec 19, 2017 17:55:52 GMT
I think you are right....however, I think with a secure...the pull is more evident. I do believe my ex is FA but with me he was able to show more of his DA characteristics since I was the one doing the majority of pulling. I was trying to understand why I have had a harder time getting over him and I think it is because he did occationally show emotions and his self esteem was low...so I felt that my natural inclination to encourage was welcomed...whereas my DA partners did not act as if my encouragement was needed. I think yes and no. The pull was more evident with my secure bf because he asked me about it and maybe seemed more odd to him as he had never heard of avoidance. But I think less evident, because without the push, my pull was softer and less frequent. My experience with secures is very limited (he is my only one), but with him, everything seemed to be more in the open, he didn't react with emotion, but with logic and that spoke my language. Just thinking on this now, perhaps an FA momentarily gives you what you are seeking (the push phase), but cannot sustain it. It's a makeup/breakup cycle. With me, it's more of a constant. I can give the AP a little of what they are looking for (never enough), but it's a constant. Perhaps....the push is what I am familiar with..it is what triggers my attachment system. The degree of the push also has some role....but now that I am not triggered (today) it is harder to say for sure. |
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and he also tends to be with women who are, for some reason or another, not suitable relationship matches. For example this summer there was one from overseas who he described as " a rough nymphomaniac that he could tolerate in small doses" and a "older woman who lives a few hours away who was discovering her libido late in life". So I guess he calls it dating but really it is non-intimate friends-with-benefits style situations that he is comfortable with. I
I am not a psychologist, but he does seem to tick a lot of the boxes. It might just be that he's a jerk!
