Post by introvert on Aug 31, 2023 15:02:52 GMT
If cohabiting is the best route to continue developing your relationship, perhaps a gentle but candid conversation with her to express your vulnerabilities? Just so you don't have your concerns and needs bottled up inside ready to explode any time you get triggered. Also, maybe you can develop a good financial strategy of saving some of your money and growing your own little nest egg, as a support for your own autonomy and financial independence?
Just trying to find ways for you to make a practical choice for the relationship while acknowledging and embracing your needs for independence and self-reliance. Also, having an agreement in place for what happens if the arrangement proves to be problematic. In my case, I established that if we chose not to continue the relationship, I would maintain rights as a tenant for a reasonable period of time ... meaning no "eviction" of me in the heat of the moment, no emergency regarding shelter. Having the conversation helped me feel that I represent my own needs well, and established a sense of having a mature and reasonable agreement in place should we need to part ways. Some would say that is sabotaging and creating doubt, I say it's just fair and practical. We all have to have a plan B, because sometimes, many times, things don't turn out as we would like them to.
Thank-you for the validation. And the sound advice. She has already suggested some practical agreements, and I agree it's probably for the best if not terribly romantic.
Aside from one or 2 "tolerable" red flags. She has been largely reasonable. The problems are mostly mine.
Simply, the relationship has done what they always do in the nervous system of an FA. It has gone from honeymoon, to deterioration. Once a source of comfort, now of fear and added stress.
Of course, this is a well documented pattern in FA. Good starters and Ender's... no ability to achieve anything sustainable.
Well, one way to look at it is, is the current arrangement sustainable? It sounds like it's not, and sometimes the next step (cohabiting because of distance and finances) isn't perfect but also not the end of the world should it not work out. We don't get any guarantees in life, and it's pretty rare to have every problem solved before you make the next move, make a choice, take a leap. You've survived the fallout before and you can do it again should things go south. This is how I've approached risk, and I'm alive and well. The critical thing for me is: understand what I need, and articulate it, and act on it. Find a way to save some money and build your safety net. Go in to your cohabitation with the aim to preserve the relarionship, grow it and meet the challenge of overcoming obstacles rather than allowing them to keep you in your insecure patterns. A growth mindset can really be empowering, especially if she's interested in the same objectives.
You won't find a perfect partner, you won't be a perfect partner. The right partner will be the one that you can make mistakes with, and repair with. The right partner will be interested in your sore spots and want to help you heal or at least protect them, as a partner not as a mother or caretaker... an active partner in your own self-motivated and self-directed process.
Success is realized exactly one day at a time. TRY to be present consciously in today, in the current situation, and not borrow a bunch of crap from the past or fear for the future... take care of your business today with you partner and see how you two can navigate your concerns together, as a team.
If you can prioritize communication, it may help you get things out of your head and into working reality. It may be the next step in a relationship that stands the test of time. Finding that out will definitely mean taking some risks, just try to Guage how much risk you are willing to take.
People bankrupt themselves in marriages for goodness sake, they buy houses and cars together and divorce, and they survive. It's all down to what you are prepared to accept and take responsibility for. In any case, it sounds like you're doing pretty good. I bet you'll be ok whatever you decide.