Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 31, 2023 15:02:52 GMT
I understand and empathize with all you've written here, krolle. If cohabiting is the best route to continue developing your relationship, perhaps a gentle but candid conversation with her to express your vulnerabilities? Just so you don't have your concerns and needs bottled up inside ready to explode any time you get triggered. Also, maybe you can develop a good financial strategy of saving some of your money and growing your own little nest egg, as a support for your own autonomy and financial independence? Just trying to find ways for you to make a practical choice for the relationship while acknowledging and embracing your needs for independence and self-reliance. Also, having an agreement in place for what happens if the arrangement proves to be problematic. In my case, I established that if we chose not to continue the relationship, I would maintain rights as a tenant for a reasonable period of time ... meaning no "eviction" of me in the heat of the moment, no emergency regarding shelter. Having the conversation helped me feel that I represent my own needs well, and established a sense of having a mature and reasonable agreement in place should we need to part ways. Some would say that is sabotaging and creating doubt, I say it's just fair and practical. We all have to have a plan B, because sometimes, many times, things don't turn out as we would like them to. Thank-you for the validation. And the sound advice. She has already suggested some practical agreements, and I agree it's probably for the best if not terribly romantic. Aside from one or 2 "tolerable" red flags. She has been largely reasonable. The problems are mostly mine. Simply, the relationship has done what they always do in the nervous system of an FA. It has gone from honeymoon, to deterioration. Once a source of comfort, now of fear and added stress. Of course, this is a well documented pattern in FA. Good starters and Ender's... no ability to achieve anything sustainable. Well, one way to look at it is, is the current arrangement sustainable? It sounds like it's not, and sometimes the next step (cohabiting because of distance and finances) isn't perfect but also not the end of the world should it not work out. We don't get any guarantees in life, and it's pretty rare to have every problem solved before you make the next move, make a choice, take a leap. You've survived the fallout before and you can do it again should things go south. This is how I've approached risk, and I'm alive and well. The critical thing for me is: understand what I need, and articulate it, and act on it. Find a way to save some money and build your safety net. Go in to your cohabitation with the aim to preserve the relarionship, grow it and meet the challenge of overcoming obstacles rather than allowing them to keep you in your insecure patterns. A growth mindset can really be empowering, especially if she's interested in the same objectives. You won't find a perfect partner, you won't be a perfect partner. The right partner will be the one that you can make mistakes with, and repair with. The right partner will be interested in your sore spots and want to help you heal or at least protect them, as a partner not as a mother or caretaker... an active partner in your own self-motivated and self-directed process. Success is realized exactly one day at a time. TRY to be present consciously in today, in the current situation, and not borrow a bunch of crap from the past or fear for the future... take care of your business today with you partner and see how you two can navigate your concerns together, as a team. If you can prioritize communication, it may help you get things out of your head and into working reality. It may be the next step in a relationship that stands the test of time. Finding that out will definitely mean taking some risks, just try to Guage how much risk you are willing to take. People bankrupt themselves in marriages for goodness sake, they buy houses and cars together and divorce, and they survive. It's all down to what you are prepared to accept and take responsibility for. In any case, it sounds like you're doing pretty good. I bet you'll be ok whatever you decide. |
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Post by krolle on Aug 31, 2023 19:14:58 GMT
Thank-you for the validation. And the sound advice. She has already suggested some practical agreements, and I agree it's probably for the best if not terribly romantic. Aside from one or 2 "tolerable" red flags. She has been largely reasonable. The problems are mostly mine. Simply, the relationship has done what they always do in the nervous system of an FA. It has gone from honeymoon, to deterioration. Once a source of comfort, now of fear and added stress. Of course, this is a well documented pattern in FA. Good starters and Ender's... no ability to achieve anything sustainable. I relate to this so much. While I'm not necessarily condoning co-habitation - that's all up to you and I think you still have some legit concerns about her behaviors (from previous post).... know that the brain is predictive. And with FA we have hypervigilance around being hurt in relationship. So the brain will always get stirred up and aggravated the closer we get. There's a way that you can "retrain" this like you would a reactive dog or a scared-to-death toddler. You be the safe parent to those parts of you. i.e., "we're just going to go slow. I'll be right here" My take, though, is you both have work to do to be safe parents (to yourselves)- she on her codependency/coping strategies/boundaries and you on being self-sufficient and confident - i.e., if you did have self-sufficiency (i.e., money in the bank so that if things don't work out, you have a back-up) you can say to your parts "I've got this. We'll try this out and take it one step at a time." But right now that might be harder to do because the adult in the room is having trouble with self-sufficiency (which is part of healing). When you are both able to lead with functional adult selves and you have your witness on board for the parts that are scared and traumatized, things go much more smoothly. I don't meant this as judgement in any way! Just sharing from my own experience. No Judgement was experienced.... And honestly, I actually like judgement if I respect the source and the way it's delivered. But your comments are appreciated. It's nice to know you're not alone in your difficulties. You hit the nail on the head about about getting closer stirring us up. I guess the current nomenclature is "vulnerability". I intensely dislike being vulnerable. For reasons you partly described. I'm too sensitive to risk being abandoned once the person becomes an attachment figure. So now I'm in that zone with her I get this constant feeling of being on edge. Regarding your comments on re-parenting. Then I have mixed feelings about that. The concept is triggering for me in a general sense. The only time I have understood it (at least I think I have) is during psychadelic experiences. The normal experience of my cognitive processes and emotions are stressful constant dissociated rumination. It's like there are 50 different voices in my head screaming at me at once. I only vaguely 'interact' with them.. , more-so I am "acted upon" by them. aka uncontrolled rumination. And all of their messages are of Negativity and hopelessness. An internal psychic storm where there is no chance of "parenting ". However previous times I have tried psilocybin (I should add I'm not recommending this, and that it is decriminalized in my area of the world, I'm just sharing my experience). And I have had strange quietness of the mind during those times. Instead of a thousand voices screaming at me, it was like having a one on one coffee date with my inner dialogue. When a thought cropped up I didn't like, it was saying, don't worry about it, things will be ok. And the dialogue did feel quiet parent, or perhaps friend like. Maybe that's something like inner parenting? As far as I can imagine My internal atmosphere seemed tranquil enough to listen. |
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Post by seeking on Aug 31, 2023 20:30:07 GMT
I don't know if I used the term re-parenting. I don't like it either. I think what I meant by be safe parents to yourself is that you're not coming to each other with unhealed 2 year old parts.
Like you said their are 50 voices screaming all at once. What do you do with those when you get close to your partner? What role does she play? Where do you go?
If you are merged with any of them, it can be a problem. But if you can witness (I prefer this to "parent") them and they have that sense of someone being there, something else can happen.
You can always make a request - kind of like with your psilocybin experience - "hey everyone, I'm going to talk to all of you but lets quiet down first" (give them something to do, somewhere safe to be) and ask that one or two come forward first.
I had this experience today during a healing session I do online in a group. I have had neck pain for days that actually threw me off balance and also stomach issues. My "parts" tend to somatize.
The neck pain was a SCREAMING Part. She was screaming and screaming and I just witnessed her. Got curious. Huh, this is interesting. When I could sort of move her farther out from me (i.e., not screaming inside my neck), I could see her and she was about late 20s/30s - she knew who she was and this (my current self) was NOT IT. She was enraged at my father for not being there, for dumping all his shit on her for years. For "ruining her precious life" as she reported (and I witnessed). This went on for a while. I was lying down and getting this relaxation work done (remotely - like a guided meditation type thing) and I just watched her. Next my stomach acted up, and it was a baby - no words. The woman took the baby. Then I asked gently if I could take the baby, that maybe she was in no state to be caring for a baby. And she agreed. I soothed the baby and I stayed with her. Eventually she managed (with my loving witness, compassion, curiosity) to be more where she wants to be -- writing, in a cottage, in a beautiful home with an amazing husband and her children (oddly, I actually dreamt about this last night - this "alter me") and also have been listening to a song on repeat for weeks now where the singer just screams (my daughter said it's called "belting") but it was weird that I couldn't stop listening to it?
Sorry to go on about that, but hopefully that can help give an example. And my neck pain is gone now and no more stomach pain. And I can feel this shift inside and more access to calm, and feeling more clear and capable in the outside world.
It also helps to have an IFS therapist. But just understanding that model can help navigate some of this. Vulnerability is bringing up "exiles" who've been profoundly hurt and they've got protectors who are sure not going to let that happen again! And who don't always discern when it's safe - for example, a firefighter type protector is just that - he's going to come in and see everything as a fire that needs to be put out. Blow it all away, even the goodstuff. And witness can come in and say "I see that this is getting pretty close to the fire."
So don't worry so much about "reparenting," but more bringing awareness to who might be leading at any given moment... is it a part that has access to space, calm, regulation, and can witness? Or is it parts taking over and possibly making the other person a parent.
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sorgin
Junior Member
Posts: 69
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Post by sorgin on Aug 31, 2023 20:37:27 GMT
I relate to this so much. While I'm not necessarily condoning co-habitation - that's all up to you and I think you still have some legit concerns about her behaviors (from previous post).... know that the brain is predictive. And with FA we have hypervigilance around being hurt in relationship. So the brain will always get stirred up and aggravated the closer we get. There's a way that you can "retrain" this like you would a reactive dog or a scared-to-death toddler. You be the safe parent to those parts of you. i.e., "we're just going to go slow. I'll be right here" My take, though, is you both have work to do to be safe parents (to yourselves)- she on her codependency/coping strategies/boundaries and you on being self-sufficient and confident - i.e., if you did have self-sufficiency (i.e., money in the bank so that if things don't work out, you have a back-up) you can say to your parts "I've got this. We'll try this out and take it one step at a time." But right now that might be harder to do because the adult in the room is having trouble with self-sufficiency (which is part of healing). When you are both able to lead with functional adult selves and you have your witness on board for the parts that are scared and traumatized, things go much more smoothly. I don't meant this as judgement in any way! Just sharing from my own experience. No Judgement was experienced.... And honestly, I actually like judgement if I respect the source and the way it's delivered. But your comments are appreciated. It's nice to know you're not alone in your difficulties. You hit the nail on the head about about getting closer stirring us up. I guess the current nomenclature is "vulnerability". I intensely dislike being vulnerable. For reasons you partly described. I'm too sensitive to risk being abandoned once the person becomes an attachment figure. So now I'm in that zone with her I get this constant feeling of being on edge. Regarding your comments on re-parenting. Then I have mixed feelings about that. The concept is triggering for me in a general sense. The only time I have understood it (at least I think I have) is during psychadelic experiences. The normal experience of my cognitive processes and emotions are stressful constant dissociated rumination. It's like there are 50 different voices in my head screaming at me at once. I only vaguely 'interact' with them.. , more-so I am "acted upon" by them. aka uncontrolled rumination. And all of their messages are of Negativity and hopelessness. An internal psychic storm where there is no chance of "parenting ". However previous times I have tried psilocybin (I should add I'm not recommending this, and that it is decriminalized in my area of the world, I'm just sharing my experience). And I have had strange quietness of the mind during those times. Instead of a thousand voices screaming at me, it was like having a one on one coffee date with my inner dialogue. When a thought cropped up I didn't like, it was saying, don't worry about it, things will be ok. And the dialogue did feel quiet parent, or perhaps friend like. Maybe that's something like inner parenting? As far as I can imagine My internal atmosphere seemed tranquil enough to listen. I have the same feeling while on psychedelics. There is a tense and an uncomfortable feeling at the begining, usually resolved, followed by a calmed state where I feel I become my wiser and older version of myself, soothing myself, telling me how everything is gonna be ok, it is not as bad as I see it, etc. I am still "me" (I haven't tried high doses and I don't want to). Honestly I am enthusiastic seeing how psyquedelics are opening very interesting research lines regarding mental health. What I find interesting the most about it is its (seemingly) capability to boost neuroplasticity, so pretty much a change booster if used with other therapies. Time and accumulative research data will tell what is it usefull for and what not. Sorry to steal your thread. Sending hugs from the other side of the big lake  |
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