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Post by kaleidorain on Sept 13, 2023 20:40:29 GMT
And if it's any consolation, at your age I had zero clue about attachment and had a kid with an abuser... you are young in terms of when people develop self awareness. You have a strong chance at co-creating a safe, loving relationship in the future, and it starts with you first. You can do it I have zero doubt. It's so nice of you to reassure me this way! Thanks  My relationship with my late partner has been a safe secure one for the first years, later it got toxic. So I have an idea of what it looks like luckily. I am trying to maintain my mental health now that we are NC and apart, it's haaaarrrd. I don't even know if it's worth it to see him when I come back just to hear about his fears to be dumped but anyway. There is time still..10 days ahead where I will try to do something for me in my home country. Will try. Will try. I swear I will try to maintain the calm while he is completely NC. |
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Post by Deleted on Sept 13, 2023 21:52:07 GMT
And if it's any consolation, at your age I had zero clue about attachment and had a kid with an abuser... you are young in terms of when people develop self awareness. You have a strong chance at co-creating a safe, loving relationship in the future, and it starts with you first. You can do it I have zero doubt. It's so nice of you to reassure me this way! Thanks My relationship with my late partner has been a safe secure one for the first years, later it got toxic. So I have an idea of what it looks like luckily. I am trying to maintain my mental health now that we are NC and apart, it's haaaarrrd. I don't even know if it's worth it to see him when I come back just to hear about his fears to be dumped but anyway. There is time still..10 days ahead where I will try to do something for me in my home country. Will try. Will try. I swear I will try to maintain the calm while he is completely NC. It may be that as you experience the same old thing time and time again with awareness, you will get sick of it or even become disgusted. When someone is inconsistent with me, I turn away, it's a major turnoff. Maybe it will turn you off now that you see how it happens so predictably. Every single time. It becomes ridiculous after a while. |
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Post by kaleidorain on Sept 13, 2023 22:09:05 GMT
It's so nice of you to reassure me this way! Thanks My relationship with my late partner has been a safe secure one for the first years, later it got toxic. So I have an idea of what it looks like luckily. I am trying to maintain my mental health now that we are NC and apart, it's haaaarrrd. I don't even know if it's worth it to see him when I come back just to hear about his fears to be dumped but anyway. There is time still..10 days ahead where I will try to do something for me in my home country. Will try. Will try. I swear I will try to maintain the calm while he is completely NC. It may be that as you experience the same old thing time and time again with awareness, you will get sick of it or even become disgusted. When someone is inconsistent with me, I turn away, it's a major turnoff. Maybe it will turn you off now that you see how it happens so predictably. Every single time. It becomes ridiculous after a while. Very interesting and true what you say. At the same time I am pretty sure this is a closure for him. Or an attempt to reduce even more the contacts and meet once in a while which is not possible for me; I don't see how he would want to come back to what we had. Concerning me, I now told my self I have to be compassionate with myself. I am 34 and 34 is still pretty young in this era + I had a partner dying at my 30-31 in very peculiar circumstances, so my path and processes cannot be the same as anyone else and it's ok if I am or feel late in some points of my life, if there is something like that we should stick to (and I guess there's not in reality). Thanks so much again |
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Post by tnr9 on Sept 14, 2023 3:25:56 GMT
It may be that as you experience the same old thing time and time again with awareness, you will get sick of it or even become disgusted. When someone is inconsistent with me, I turn away, it's a major turnoff. Maybe it will turn you off now that you see how it happens so predictably. Every single time. It becomes ridiculous after a while. Very interesting and true what you say. At the same time I am pretty sure this is a closure for him. Or an attempt to reduce even more the contacts and meet once in a while which is not possible for me; I don't see how he would want to come back to what we had. Concerning me, I now told my self I have to be compassionate with myself. I am 34 and 34 is still pretty young in this era + I had a partner dying at my 30-31 in very peculiar circumstances, so my path and processes cannot be the same as anyone else and it's ok if I am or feel late in some points of my life, if there is something like that we should stick to (and I guess there's not in reality). Thanks so much again The most important thing is to realize that none of his “stuff” is about you…he is reacting to fears from a long time ago and deeply ingrained within him. He may circle back due to a fear of abandonment…..but that, again, is about him and not about you. You have the right to see the flashing warning signs and put boundaries up that protect you. |
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Post by kaleidorain on Sept 14, 2023 11:58:34 GMT
Very interesting and true what you say. At the same time I am pretty sure this is a closure for him. Or an attempt to reduce even more the contacts and meet once in a while which is not possible for me; I don't see how he would want to come back to what we had. Concerning me, I now told my self I have to be compassionate with myself. I am 34 and 34 is still pretty young in this era + I had a partner dying at my 30-31 in very peculiar circumstances, so my path and processes cannot be the same as anyone else and it's ok if I am or feel late in some points of my life, if there is something like that we should stick to (and I guess there's not in reality). Thanks so much again The most important thing is to realize that none of his “stuff” is about you…he is reacting to fears from a long time ago and deeply ingrained within him. He may circle back due to a fear of abandonment…..but that, again, is about him and not about you. You have the right to see the flashing warning signs and put boundaries up that protect you. I thank all of you for the support in this hard time. I am at my place and it's not easy at all, going through a lil surgery next week also, and avoiding all the places that makes me remind of my late partner. There is his photo or depicted images of him all over the town as his death was reported by media for the specific circumstances it happened in, so it's hard and it's not at all a vacation. Sorry the off topic, but this together with AP and the half-rupture with my guy are being a struggle for me. I feel calmer today but I guess it is a rollercoaster and still I think about what will happen once I go back. We will me, we said it already, and I will have to ask him to tell me what happens in his mind in details, even if the results is not positive but at least I have it clear. I got the sensation that for being that distant now, and due to his FA attachment, he is already detached from me. I also made a call to him before landing the day after we met where I told him I felt used, but not sexually, it was more a 'used for all your troubles and confused feelings' but to be honest I didn't mean or think it really. I guess it was a way to reassure myself, to listen that he was not doing so. AP.... Of course he said he did not want any body to think he used them, and we both said that meeting was Everytime beautiful. But he was cold after my statement. Fee days after was his bday and I reached out (I know he wanted me to, he had told me so before my departure) and he was cold, content that I reached out but not asking much about my travel. I said I care about him and that I think of him and he said 'thanks...I have thought about you too' and we said that we would meet at my return. Still he was colder than what I thought, I think maybe cause I told him I felt used. I don't know if it's a trigger for FAs. In any case this forum is helping me so much. I mean, you are following up with me and supporting someone you don't even know in a rough time. I just wish my life was easier and more adapt to a 34-y-old woman. I feel a baby sometimes, and this even considering I have a good (but precarious) job and have traveled the world alone living in dozens of countries. I guess not having a stable relationship makes me feel this way and it sux. I don't know why this is so important to me but I guess cause too many friends have stable relationships or so. Like...I feel a child widow! Thanks again |
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Post by Deleted on Sept 14, 2023 13:36:24 GMT
Ha, who cares if a person who wants to meet up and then disappear is triggered by the idea that it seems they are using someone? That should be a wake up call instead of something to sulk over, frankly.
And if you think he isn't using you, think again. He is definitely using you for the good things, the "beautiful" things. Make no mistake, thats what ATTACHMENT is about. ATTACHMENT is not to be confused with love, it is an instinctive response to an attachment figure, and it takes the shape of trauma. Do not confuse trauma-based relating with love. You are using him too, like it or not. Pay attention to your own words about sex, earlier. And your attachment system is activated into craving, craving which you MUST satisfy, or be miserable. That is not Love, it's unmet attachment needs. Two radically different things. It may feel like love in the craving phase, but is missing key ingredients of love, freedom and stability. Fear and pain and worry and despair go with attachment, not love.
Love includes the desire to meet the real emotional and practical needs of the beloved. Love moves beyond survival into mature regard for the wellbeing of self and others. Love is not all about enjoying beautiful moments which stroke the ego and body parts and then disappearing, it is consistent, unafraid, and able to take responsibility, not hiding like a wounded fearful creature.
Love isn't desperate clinging, anxiety, sexual arousal, confusion, avoidance, or pain. Attachment can be all of those things and more.
It's fair to say, you two are attached and affection happens between you. But who could say that this dead end, painful, confusing, inconsistent entanglement is Love? Think of how a good mother or father would take care of their children, every single day, as a priority. That is Love. Think of how couples you know approach life together as partners, consistent and reliable, prioritizing the relationship because they are ABLE to. That's love. This hide and seek game is not Love it's attachment and it won't yield what love yields. It's apples and oranges.
I'm not bashing you, at all. And I'm not saying either of you have bad intentions. Attachment is all about using another person to meet deep, unmet survival needs in a dysfunctional, damaging way. That's why it feels so shitty. It IS using another person to feel better, that's what it is. And that's why when someone gets healthy and heals their attachment wounds, they stop "loving" like this. They outgrow it, and stop hurting themselves and others with attachment based trauma dynamics.
Love shows up whether it feels good or not, because its not all about feeling good. If someone only shows up when it feels good, they are using you for something, selfishly, whether they realize it or not!
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Post by Deleted on Sept 14, 2023 13:54:39 GMT
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Post by kaleidorain on Sept 14, 2023 16:47:27 GMT
Ha, who cares if a person who wants to meet up and then disappear is triggered by the idea that it seems they are using someone? That should be a wake up call instead of something to sulk over, frankly. And if you think he isn't using you, think again. He is definitely using you for the good things, the "beautiful" things. Make no mistake, thats what ATTACHMENT is about. ATTACHMENT is not to be confused with love, it is an instinctive response to an attachment figure, and it takes the shape of trauma. Do not confuse trauma-based relating with love. You are using him too, like it or not. Pay attention to your own words about sex, earlier. And your attachment system is activated into craving, craving which you MUST satisfy, or be miserable. That is not Love, it's unmet attachment needs. Two radically different things. It may feel like love in the craving phase, but is missing key ingredients of love, freedom and stability. Fear and pain and worry and despair go with attachment, not love. Love includes the desire to meet the real emotional and practical needs of the beloved. Love moves beyond survival into mature regard for the wellbeing of self and others. Love is not all about enjoying beautiful moments which stroke the ego and body parts and then disappearing, it is consistent, unafraid, and able to take responsibility, not hiding like a wounded fearful creature. Love isn't desperate clinging, anxiety, sexual arousal, confusion, avoidance, or pain. Attachment can be all of those things and more. It's fair to say, you two are attached and affection happens between you. But who could say that this dead end, painful, confusing, inconsistent entanglement is Love? Think of how a good mother or father would take care of their children, every single day, as a priority. That is Love. Think of how couples you know approach life together as partners, consistent and reliable, prioritizing the relationship because they are ABLE to. That's love. This hide and seek game is not Love it's attachment and it won't yield what love yields. It's apples and oranges. I'm not bashing you, at all. And I'm not saying either of you have bad intentions. Attachment is all about using another person to meet deep, unmet survival needs in a dysfunctional, damaging way. That's why it feels so shitty. It IS using another person to feel better, that's what it is. And that's why when someone gets healthy and heals their attachment wounds, they stop "loving" like this. They outgrow it, and stop hurting themselves and others with attachment based trauma dynamics. Love shows up whether it feels good or not, because its not all about feeling good. If someone only shows up when it feels good, they are using you for something, selfishly, whether they realize it or not! This is wise! I loved it. It's super interesting and it gave me solace. I just have to lose the part of me who says I should be with someone at this age as many ppl around me and not be a 'widow' as I am ehehehe I think this is something I really really have to work on. Don't know specifically how so if you have resources (but I know it's off topic, sorry) You are welcome. I think I saw a thread on It somewhere here. It was something that never interested me but it became strong with being 34 and not having the idea of it, because my tragedy/trauma happened when I was about to be 31, in the pandemic, for which I haven't even noticed my early 30s and I am like....how I am 34?? It's impressive for me, I can't believe it. And I can't believe I think to so many things related to 'I am alone and I shouldn't'.. Later I tell my self it's fine cause I had a trauma and as I said before my process is obviously different from others'. But you no social constructions in one's mind...): Thanks again, great inputs introvert, really. Thank you so so much |
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