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Post by tnr9 on Feb 5, 2024 4:58:51 GMT
I am completely torn tbh.... I said I would move mountains for her so to be there for her and support her through this tough time while hoping to restart the relationship when she's ready seems the least that I can do. Then, the other side of the coin is where I'm angry and hurt that she's prepared to throw away the great relationship that we had and not prepared to work it through....
Its been such an amazing year with the most amazing girl, but sometimes I wish it hadn't happened as I was in such a great place with myself before we met and I gave her my heart.
But…..you don’t have to be torn…that is the beauty of the situation….she has told you that she wants to handle things…so you don’t have to “be there” for her. You are the only one holding onto that so you are the one who can stop holding onto it. Relationships are always a risk….and the best that can come from any break up is to take from it any lessons that you can apply going forward….no point really in being angry at her or at yourself.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 5, 2024 5:03:57 GMT
Pledging loyalty and unwavering support to someone who wants to be on their own is a recipe for disaster. If you were having remodeling done to your home and making payments as you go, but the builder told you they can't build anymore, they are pulling out and don't know ifnthey will ever be back to work on your project, would you continue making payments while you wait and see? Of course not, and of course we are talking about emotional attachment and not a home project. But think of it in terms of what they have in common. You're making an investment without commitment. You're committed to her without her being committed to you. When does that ever work?
If she told you flat out "we are done and I'm not coming back", would you be there for her in the way you are? Your willingness to move mountains should require some reciprocity should it not? Loyalty should be mutual, no?
Regardless, if it's not possible to pull back at this point then ride it out, time will reveal all.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 5, 2024 5:13:23 GMT
I am completely torn tbh.... I said I would move mountains for her so to be there for her and support her through this tough time while hoping to restart the relationship when she's ready seems the least that I can do. Then, the other side of the coin is where I'm angry and hurt that she's prepared to throw away the great relationship that we had and not prepared to work it through.... Its been such an amazing year with the most amazing girl, but sometimes I wish it hadn't happened as I was in such a great place with myself before we met and I gave her my heart. But…..you don’t have to be torn…that is the beauty of the situation….she has told you that she wants to handle things…so you don’t have to “be there” for her. You are the only one holding onto that so you are the one who can stop holding onto it. Relationships are always a risk….and the best that can come from any break up is to take from it any lessons that you can apply going forward….no point really in being angry at her or at yourself. Wait what? Anger has to have a point? Anger is an emotional response to loss here, completely natural. It's ok for him to acknowledge his feelings, they aren't pointless. His feelings can provide information about what he needs and he can learn from them. Nobody breaks up without lots of emotions, nobody just nods, packs up their lessons and moves on freely to apply them. In this case I would say Anger points to a legitimate attachment need, which is to have the security of a commitment. After a year and talk of a future, it's a legit part of his loss. What he can learn from it is that he is worthy of commitment and not to offer it unilaterally because that is very painful. The Anger is telling some truth here in my opinion and alerting him to the need to protect his own interests. |
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Post by anne12 on Feb 5, 2024 6:16:05 GMT
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Post by anne12 on Feb 5, 2024 6:36:46 GMT
“… We still message each other every day and have had a few video calls which is great but …”
- Why ? What do you talk about ?
”..I may have sold myself short and handed my love to her on a plate although we were both madly in love…”
- Why do you think you did this ?
”madly in love” ?
- or maybe it was just all the love chemicals and all the sex ?
Women in menopause do not get as affected by the bonding hormone oxytocin when having sex as they used to do earlier in their life
Men on the other hand can get more bonded when they start to loose testosterone as they age
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Post by dallan73 on Feb 5, 2024 7:42:24 GMT
Thanks for the links anne12We talk about whats happening in each others lives.... Whats happening with work... Hows her dad... Whats happening with my kids (they're at Uni).. I'm getting work done on my house (hows that going)... We also talk about us (how I miss her but respect her wanting to be on her own)... In terms of selling myself short, I did/do worship her and would do anything for her... I would continually tell her how I feel about her and what she means to me. Tell her I love her... There was a genuine connection.... She was the one (early on) who talked about going away together, getting a place together.... She said I was so nice to her and always knew the right things to say.. It was going great and then she felt there was something wrong and thought menopause (hence GP) this was around July.... Roll forward to October and I then felt that I was starting to chase my tail a little and giving more than I got back... We did have chats all through this and she said that at the start she thought the timing was perfect and she could give the best person of herself... Roll forward to October and she said the timing couldnt be worse and that she would never have asked our mutual friend if there was someone to date... Our chats in December I admitted to her that I also thought that we could have gone on a break to let the dust settle but I didnt want to lose her. |
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Post by anne12 on Feb 5, 2024 8:01:38 GMT
Ups !…
” I would continually tell her how I feel about her and what she means to me. Tell her I love her...”
Do you know what is your purpose by telling her this all the time ?
Do you know her love language?
Sometimes constantly telling a woman this, can actually be a turn-off
You also seem to be a more feminine leaning man ? (In your energy) Is that correct?
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Post by dallan73 on Feb 5, 2024 8:28:49 GMT
tbh I have no idea what her love language is.... I am so wet behind the ears where it comes to this which I suppose is not great for someone hitting 50.
The thing is, I feel/felt I really did know her... We talked about a lot of stuff and she said she has opened up and told me more than anyone else she's been with..
In terms of me, I was a bit of an alpha tbh but after separating from my wife (where she constantly said I treated her like one of my mates) I really opened up and tried to do the opposite, giving my heart.
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Post by anne12 on Feb 5, 2024 10:27:34 GMT
What is your definition of an alpha male ?
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Post by dallan73 on Feb 5, 2024 10:30:43 GMT
 good question.... Quite closed with their emotions... Likes spending time with their friends, loves sport etc... TBH, when I went to counseling after my marriage ended, that was the first time I'd cried since I was a kid! It definitely helped me get through it although it looks like its opened up a whole new side to me..... Given whats happened recently, I'm not sure I like it. |
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Post by anne12 on Feb 5, 2024 15:32:02 GMT
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Post by dallan73 on Feb 5, 2024 15:52:14 GMT
This is turning into an education..... Why don't you get taught this at school ... Thanks for sending this through... It really is very interesting. I've had further chats with the girlfriend (well now ex) and we're meeting up on Thursday afternoon for a walk and a bite to eat. Its something that we used to do quite regularly when we were together. I want it to be by and large a light hearted and fun 'date' but was going to use it as an opportunity to say: 1) I'm the best thing thats happened to her (which I firmly believe) 2) She's making the biggest mistake of her life 3) She shouldnt mistake my affection and love as a sign of weakness or being a woose. 4) Make it clear that I'm not going to chase her anymore and that she needs to reach out to me when she's ready. 5) I don't want to be in the friend zone. (this will hurt me the most) Its a big call but I feel its the best way to try and move forward. |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 5, 2024 15:56:31 GMT
Connection is not commitment. It's the basis for developing commitment, but in this case commitment did not develop because she is not emotionally or physically available.
Do you feel fundamentally unable to accept this?
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Post by Deleted on Feb 5, 2024 15:59:10 GMT
This is turning into an education..... Why don't you get taught this at school ... Thanks for sending this through... It really is very interesting. I've had further chats with the girlfriend (well now ex) and we're meeting up on Thursday afternoon for a walk and a bite to eat. Its something that we used to do quite regularly when we were together. I want it to be by and large a light hearted and fun 'date' but was going to use it as an opportunity to say: 1) I'm the best thing thats happened to her (which I firmly believe) 2) She's making the biggest mistake of her life 3) She shouldnt mistake my affection and love as a sign of weakness or being a woose. 4) Make it clear that I'm not going to chase her anymore and that she needs to reach out to me when she's ready. 5) I don't want to be in the friend zone. (this will hurt me the most) Its a big call but I feel its the best way to try and move forward. How dare you criticize her decision to take this time for herself to address her deep pain? How dare you say it's the biggest mistake of her life? The problem has become clear to me... you are self absorbed and controlling and unable to respect her boundaries and needs, and treating her in a very disrespectful and condescending way. |
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Post by dallan73 on Feb 5, 2024 16:02:47 GMT
@introvert I'm trying to understand why that is and if its down to her issues with menopause etc... I'm happy to accept that but want to understand whether it was me or timing/circumstance. I am effectively saying that I'm not going to run after her anymore as I have laid all my cards on the table and its not enough.... Now I could be shooting myself in the foot and ruin all connection at any level but it is difficult to sit back and do nothing. Do you suggest I just walk away, no communication and just leave her be?
I'm definitely not criticising her decision and I'm definitely not controlling and self absorbed, I have bent over backwards to support her, be there for her, love her etc.... I feel she has lost any respect for me as a man tbh.
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good question....