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Post by lovebunny on Mar 14, 2024 15:00:55 GMT
Update. So the self-aware anxiously-attached guy is basically my boyfriend now, with talk about what a future together might look like. I even accidentally called him my boyfriend to his face, he didn't object lol. I took down my dating profiles, there was nobody I was talking to seriously anyway and I was sick of being on them. I feel lucky to have found one person who is a valid candidate for life partner and it seemed like a waste of time and energy to keep looking.
So the good news:
He's still super sweet, no sign of aggression or misogyny or possessiveness. He just got a new hairdo that's more stylish, and I've been more physically attracted, wanting to hold his hand in public, play with his hair, etc.. He's looking into buying a place here, putting down roots. Honestly, him owning a home would make him more attractive to me, as spending time in the r.v. where he lives with his 2 big dogs is unpleasant, nothing against the dogs. He's shown me a bit more of his personality, and he's not as much of a debbie downer as I thought first impressions.
The bad: Sex/chemisty has gotten better, but still hit or miss. I'm comparing him to my last few r'ships, which were all great sex/chemistry even when the r'ships themselves were crap (plus I was pre-menopausal.) I saw ex-FA-bf the other day, I mean, I see him often, small island with one main road. Usually I turn away, but this time I actually LOOKED. At first, I gloated because he gained a lot of weight, then he turned and I saw the familiar back of his head and neck and I felt this rush of tenderness and lust...I hate that he still affects me like that after over a year of not being in the same room as him. I just don't have that kind of chemistry with new guy where I just want to eat him up. But of course, it's early yet, I can't remember if I felt this way with ex a couple months in or if it hit me later. I still find myself wishing new guy were more playful, more expressive, more humorous (his sense of humor doesn't make me laugh.)
The other thing, kind of neutral right now but interesting, instead of the push-pull of FA/AA we both have to be careful of not spending all our time together. Right now, it doesn't feel like anyone's chasing or running. At the moment, our very different work schedules work against us, but we're up to spending 3 nights a week together, which might be a lot for only dating a couple months. Of course, I've dated lesbians, you know the joke, "what does a lesbian bring on a second date?...A UHAUL!" Anyway, we're trying not to be that couple despite the fact that we both have lots of feminine & anxiously preoccupied energy.
So far my instincts tell me to lean in rather than run away, but my instincts are not historically good, so I'm sort of actively trying to stay right here without moving things forward quickly, or without freaking out and backtracking whenever he seems not quite perfect.
I'd say so far dating without the initial spark is not terrible, but it's also hard not to miss that "something missing." Luckily, we've gotten a little sparkier, I'm hoping that continues to grow.
I should mention I've noticed, I mean I knew..but...I'm so much happier when I'm in a r'ship that's going well than when I'm single. It's like finally, my skin hunger is gone & I can relax.
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Post by lovebunny on Apr 19, 2024 20:36:39 GMT
I'm happy to say the new bf has started to be very "hot" in my eyes, & he does not do it by being inconsistent or unavailable. He's let me kind of gently "queer eye for the straight guy" him, I swear he looks like a different dude from the scruffy, awkward guy who hadn't been with a woman in 3 years. He looks fantastic, well groomed, takes his cealis, smiles more, walks around with more confidence. Now I'm all, "Hello, tall dark and handsome!" He's saying now women are hitting on him everywhere he goes, lol, I may have shot myself in the foot here.
I told him at one point, "You could get a lot of women here! Young, hot ones! Single straight men who have jobs do well here with women!" He very sweetly looked at me and said. "I think I'm doing just fine, thank you." Aw!!!
We spend maybe 3 nights together a week, often throwing in an afternoon hang once or twice a week. I'm starting to see how nice it feels to have love and attention and sex from someone without all the anxiety of feeling like you're constantly chasing for more. Also, I should mentioned I started HRT a couple weeks ago, so that might be helping my love mood too.
I have started to catch feelings, and I'm glad it's with a nice guy!
I still think about my charismatic, FA ex too much. Yesterday I came upon a video with him in it I'd forgotten about & I guess I felt like playing with fire, because I watched it. It was a moment where he looked at me with so much love in his eyes, a big smile. I loved him so much at that moment, and watching it again, I felt my knees go out from under me. That man was just my type looks-wise, & when he gave me that look, I just died.
But don't worry. Never gonna touch that. Sticking with tall, dark, handsome who actually wants to be with me, trying to build something real this time.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 23, 2024 20:08:12 GMT
I'm curious, what do you like about this man, I mean fundamentally who he is? Is there anything you admire? Do you like him, actually? Or do you just like how he makes you feel? It may sound crazy to ask you that, but you've been pretty critical of his personality, his sense of humor, his looks until you spruced him up. I'm just surprised I guess, and curious. No need to divulge more if you don't want to though!
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Post by lovebunny on Apr 23, 2024 21:57:02 GMT
Hmmm, that's a great questions. He does make me feel really good, I can't deny that.
Honestly, he's been kind of hard to get to know. Not because he's secretive or dishonest, I think. But he's developed this good-natured, go-with-the-flow, I-contain-multitudes, "grey stone" personality to deal with his abusive childhood home, and I bump up against it sometimes when I'm trying to nail down what he thinks or feels about things.
And because he has been in sort of a transitional period of his life the whole 6 months or whatever that I've known him, I feel as if I haven't yet been able to see him fully "in his element." Like, I have yet to see him experience what they call FLOW and I would love to see that.
But as we get more comfy with each other, I'm seeing he's funnier than I gave him credit for at first, & he wants to be playful, just maybe hasn't had much opportunity to be in his life. And I like that he is smart & aware of what's going on in the world. I admire that he's brave in his life choices, & has follow through. His words and actions match.
My favorite thing about him is that he's such a big, strong man yet so kind and gentle. The first moment he got very sexy to me: We were out walking his big rescue dogs, & we were approached by a loose rottwieler. I was terrified I was about to get caught in the middle of a vicious dogfight. He maintained this calm, assertive energy that kept me, his dogs, & the rottie all good. He was actually able to wrangle the loose dog into a spare leashe & walk it back to it's house. I loved how concerned he was about the rottie running into trouble.
I *think* I've got it right that he's a man who moves through the world without offering it any violence. This is very attractive to me. He does not act entitled, or above anyone, the opposite of a narcissist.
There are things I dislike about him too, but I thought that was normal, and so far nothing that's a dealbreaker.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 24, 2024 15:53:48 GMT
Hmmm, that's a great questions. He does make me feel really good, I can't deny that. Honestly, he's been kind of hard to get to know. Not because he's secretive or dishonest, I think. But he's developed this good-natured, go-with-the-flow, I-contain-multitudes, "grey stone" personality to deal with his abusive childhood home, and I bump up against it sometimes when I'm trying to nail down what he thinks or feels about things. And because he has been in sort of a transitional period of his life the whole 6 months or whatever that I've known him, I feel as if I haven't yet been able to see him fully "in his element." Like, I have yet to see him experience what they call FLOW and I would love to see that. But as we get more comfy with each other, I'm seeing he's funnier than I gave him credit for at first, & he wants to be playful, just maybe hasn't had much opportunity to be in his life. And I like that he is smart & aware of what's going on in the world. I admire that he's brave in his life choices, & has follow through. His words and actions match. My favorite thing about him is that he's such a big, strong man yet so kind and gentle. The first moment he got very sexy to me: We were out walking his big rescue dogs, & we were approached by a loose rottwieler. I was terrified I was about to get caught in the middle of a vicious dogfight. He maintained this calm, assertive energy that kept me, his dogs, & the rottie all good. He was actually able to wrangle the loose dog into a spare leashe & walk it back to it's house. I loved how concerned he was about the rottie running into trouble. I *think* I've got it right that he's a man who moves through the world without offering it any violence. This is very attractive to me. He does not act entitled, or above anyone, the opposite of a narcissist. There are things I dislike about him too, but I thought that was normal, and so far nothing that's a dealbreaker. He sounds nice! Yeah, there is definitely room for dislike, but honestly that's all I really understood in your initial posts. I didn't recall reading anything that you actually felt good about in him, it was a lot of negativity except that he was into you and you liked the attention. So I was curious about that, but now I understand that you actually enjoy him as a person for who he is. |
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Post by lovebunny on Apr 24, 2024 17:40:53 GMT
Yeah, the more I think about it, I realize that whenever I first start seeing someone, even people who ended up being loves of my life, I always have times early in the dating process/relationship where I find them utterly repulsive and figure I'm never gonna love them. Their imperfections seem glaring, no one is good enough. I said negative things to my friends about my exbf when we first got together, even though I thought he was so cute on our first couple dates. I certainly wasn't into my exhusband at first, or any of the women I ended up in relationships with. It's f*****g weird.
I've been with him 3 months now, we're about to take our first day trip together next weekend, I think I'll learn a lot.
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Post by cherrycola on Apr 25, 2024 0:39:16 GMT
That actually sounds like a very FA "strategy" to me, depending in which direction you lean. In our mind we put everyone down a notch, find all their flaws etc. Then it feels safer to like them and if they walk away meh I didn't like them all that much anyways!
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Post by lovebunny on Apr 25, 2024 20:16:52 GMT
I more and think think I'm disorganized instead of straight up anxious attachment, so that makes sense.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 25, 2024 20:34:37 GMT
I more and think think I'm disorganized instead of straight up anxious attachment, so that makes sense. Yeah I think anxious would more likely be idolizing, romanticizing, doing the thing of exaggerating positives. I definitely relate to finding flaws which in more avoidant times of mine ended up being reasons to not accept a date. I wasn't attracted physically to my partner of the last 4 years initially but I did find him appealing in other ways, notably his ability to be nice to me, lol..and to say a resounding yes to life. Hes good a finding adventure and enjoyment as opposed to me staying in my quiet groove saying No to anything that required too much of me, or took me out of my comfort zone. Plus a shared passion for my special interests, and the dedication and drive that I relate to when it comes to mastering a chosen pursuit. The physical attraction appeared when I made a conscious choice to choose substance over a physical type. Go figure. I wasted so much time on "type", but finally learned a thing or two... |
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Post by tnr9 on Apr 25, 2024 22:10:31 GMT
I more and think think I'm disorganized instead of straight up anxious attachment, so that makes sense. Yeah I think anxious would more likely be idolizing, romanticizing, doing the thing of exaggerating positives. I definitely relate to finding flaws which in more avoidant times of mine ended up being reasons to not accept a date. I wasn't attracted physically to my partner of the last 4 years initially but I did find him appealing in other ways, notably his ability to be nice to me, lol..and to say a resounding yes to life. Hes good a finding adventure and enjoyment as opposed to me staying in my quiet groove saying No to anything that required too much of me, or took me out of my comfort zone. Plus a shared passion for my special interests, and the dedication and drive that I relate to when it comes to mastering a chosen pursuit. The physical attraction appeared when I made a conscious choice to choose substance over a physical type. Go figure. I wasted so much time on "type", but finally learned a thing or two... I think it depends a bit on the partner too…because with anxious types, I am definitely more critical at first…but with avoidant types…I definitely idolize and pedestal. Perhaps I am a bit more on the anxious scale when it has come to partner picking.🤔🤔 |
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Post by lovebunny on Jun 11, 2024 15:26:41 GMT
I've been dating this self-aware-AP guy for 4 & 1/2 months, we're exclusive & he's met all my friends. We've discussed moving in together sometime in the not super-distant future (he just bought a big-enough condo.) It's taken me a while to relax & just enjoy being around him instead of constantly judging him (& myself.) There were times early on where I can see I wasn't able to be present, I was floating off in anxious space, whereas now I feel more solidly formed around him.
The more I get to know him, the more I want him. I feel like I'm choosing well. He's kindhearted, emotionally intelligent, committed, his word is good. We have enough common interests & seem in alignment politically & morally. At first I didn't think he was funny, but now we've found our banter & I take it back. HRT & some other work has helped me find him very sexy now, too.
But it's hard to trust my own judgment, because every single time I think I've chosen well in the past, I've only actually managed to discover a whole new flavor of emotional unavailability.
Like, my late teens/early 20's were spent chasing women who were gay enough to f*** me but not gay enough to love me. So I stopped doing that, married a straight guy who turned out to be an alcoholic/addict workaholic. The first guy I dated after my marriage was a classic Peter Pan. I briefly dated a narcissist. I was on-and-off for years with someone I'm sure was borderline.
Maybe 5 years or so ago, I thought I had finally got myself together enough to choose better partners. I'd read a million dating/relationship books, talk therapy, visualizing the partner I wanted. I was now disinterested in people of the wrong sexual orientation, with unmanaged addictions & Cluster B personality disorders, or people who were obviously emotionally unavailable.
That's when I discovered the Fearful Avoidant. This brand of emotional unavailability was harder to spot than the other pitfalls I'd already learned to avoid. I couldn't recognize FA easily, not even after the first FA r'ship brought me to this forum. After that, I managed to fall even harder for another FA, who I thought at first was AP earned secure. His push-pull was subtle at first then less so, always couched in philosophical concepts of polyamory & autonomy. When the dynamic took off, the cognitive dissonance was...well, many of you read it here, it was a mess. If I'm having trouble trusting my own judgment,this is why.
Anyway, now that I'm not fighting the AP part of my disorganized attachment, I'm in the interesting position of confronting my own FA tendencies. Like, I know so well how to soothe an AP, it's almost scary. I can be this partner who says & does all the right things, & he's the same way (Is that love? Just like, two people giving each other what they want?) Or, if I wanted to create insecurity through intermittent reinforcement, I know how, because it's happened to me so often.
It is scary having the power to hurt another person, almost as scary as it is to be vulnerable. Sometimes he gives me these big beautiful eyes & I know he had an abusive childhood then toxic marriage & I well up with fear that I'm going to traumatize someone the way others have to me--or else stay with someone to avoid hurting them. I think back to when I finally left my husband, his devastation, for years afterwards. I know I have hurt unhealthy people in the past, keeping them around for my own gratification even when I knew I shouldn't. Not that that's what I'm doing now, but I'm capable.
Interestingly, I think AP guy and I DO manage to create enough push-pull to keep it hot. I'm not doing it intentionally, but my FA rears it's head, though I'm not nearly as keen to sabotage things as I might have been years ago. For example, I bring up the fact that I'm not sure I always forever want to be completely monogamous, not intentionally trying to trigger him, but because it's my truth. Or I know he's gunning to see me & asks to meet at 6, I might tell him I can't make it until 7:30 though I totally could, I'm just being a brat! I don't do stuff like that a lot, though. Generally, I try to grant his wishes as he seems to try to grant mine.
On his end, I feel like he kind of "hides" which creates push-pull. I've called him "inscrutable." Like instead of doing the one-foot-out-the-door thing, it's more like a dance of the 7 veils? He's here, he's all mine, but he keeps parts of himself strictly to himself, a bit of mystery. Though I'm an over-sharer, so maybe I'm just creating my own push-pull. I catch him trying to mind-read me sometimes too. Maybe we just still don't each other, really.
On the whole, it feels great to be with someone who is on the same page about how much time they like to spend together, how much touch they want, how much sex. We greet each other with these amazing sweet kisses. I don't feel like I'm always hungry for more (though I'm happy for more) & that's amazing.
Of course I'm aware we're both still sending out the representative. Who we both really are with each other will develop & change with more time.
So glad I have this place to sort this stuff out. Thanks!
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Post by anne12 on Jun 13, 2024 6:15:49 GMT
Being late ? Is there anything you haven’t been honest about e.g. asking for a need and risking being vulnerable or is it possible that you haven’t set a boundary ? Being late can be a sign of the passive agressive anger pattern: jebkinnisonforum.com/post/24116/Or are you “just” acting like a fa or ap ? Two aps can make it work if they are not “ON” at the same time Being late can also be a trait from being fa It is easy to accommodate and meet the other persons needs when we are in th crushing phase and when we are in the honeymoon phase |
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Post by lovebunny on Jun 13, 2024 13:11:30 GMT
anne thank you for things to think about! "It is easy to accommodate and meet the other persons needs when we are in the crushing phase and when we are in the honeymoon phase" Exactly! I brought up to him not long ago that I wanted to make sure however much time we spend together now, how ever much sex/attention we give, it needs to be sustainable long-term. Both of us have talked about how much we hate when the honeymoon phase ends & our partner is like, "Well, that was fun. Now back to real life!" He's like me in that we don't seem to ever get to that point when we want less of our partners if things are going well. When I talked to him about poly, he said "I'd rather use my energy to try to keep one relationship passionate & alive, fall in love with my person over & over." I'm so excited to have that kind of energy in a lover, as I'm more & more convinced the grass is greenest where you water it. To be clear, I never show up late. If I say I'll be somewhere at a certain time, I will. I think I'm just trying not to grant every single request he makes. Maybe I'm testing out my "no?" (So far, he handles "no" very well.) "Two aps can make it work if they are not “ON” at the same time." BF I have talked about how we're both very qualified to deal with someone who is AP, because we both know how it feels. There's an empathy loop. It's interesting that you mention passive-aggression. The maybe 2 times we've had words, it was because he said something passive-aggressive. I called it out & made him use his words to tell me what he wanted. Perhaps I should look to myself to see if that's a trick I use, too. Thank you!!
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Post by anne12 on Jun 14, 2024 5:54:47 GMT
There is a post on the board if you are a YES person (I can’t find it right now) - maybe alexandra knows where it is ? You can always try to pause, before you say yes. “Let me think, and I will get back to you within an hour, a day ect. with my answer” jebkinnisonforum.com/post/39289/ - how to deal with your own unhealthy anger pattern Remember that you are also hsp, which can give you some challenges with too much closeness- it can look like you are being fa.. |
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Post by lovebunny on Jun 14, 2024 17:10:21 GMT
"Remember that you are also hsp, which can give you some challenges with too much closeness- it can look like you are being fa.." Oh interesting, thank you anne I hadn't thought of that. Great point! |
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