Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 26, 2017 22:01:07 GMT
But one has to stop to ask 'what is in it for the Secure'? I'm mostly Secure and my preference is for somebody who can form attachments without easily being triggered and going into Avoid mode. Obviously life is not always perfect and one can fall in love with somebody who is Avoidant. But let's not pretend that Avoidant behaviour is functional or healthy. It's not. When you meet someone that is your match in all other ways (personality, lifestyle, values, etc etc etc), the attachment style becomes a small issue, in my opinion. My main issue is that I need more space than other people and my secure bf is fine with that. He says I am a lot less work than other women he has dated. |
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damascena
New Member
pregnant, alone and deceived.
Posts: 40
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Post by damascena on Dec 26, 2017 22:38:56 GMT
But one has to stop to ask 'what is in it for the Secure'? I'm mostly Secure and my preference is for somebody who can form attachments without easily being triggered and going into Avoid mode. Obviously life is not always perfect and one can fall in love with somebody who is Avoidant. But let's not pretend that Avoidant behaviour is functional or healthy. It's not. When you meet someone that is your match in all other ways (personality, lifestyle, values, etc etc etc), the attachment style becomes a small issue, in my opinion. My main issue is that I need more space than other people and my secure bf is fine with that. He says I am a lot less work than other women he has dated. as time goes on and I get more used to my boyfriend's ways, it does get easier. But initially, I just started to assume he wasn't into me. As it turned out that wasn't the case at all. He needs more space than many people. That may work OK in our situation because as an introvert I like to have a lot of space too. |
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lucky
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Posts: 29 
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Post by lucky on Jan 3, 2018 18:19:58 GMT
How it happened for me DA & DA: Dismissive 1: “…” Dismissive 2: “…” Dismissive 1: “…” Dismissive 2: “…” (this goes on for 12 months) Dismissive 1: "I love you” (via text) Dismissive 2: "You're drunk” (he knew I was going to an event where I would be drunk) Dismissive 1: "Yes, but if I wasn't drunk, I wouldn't have said it first, but I still love you." Dismissive 2: "..." It is never brought up again by either party, but understood. weeks pass. Dismissive 2: engages in some sort of behavior that indicates he loves Dismissive 1, but not obvious & showy like on TV. weeks pass. Dismissive 1: some conversation where "I know you love me because of XYZ behaviors, I don't need you to say it." Dismissive 2: "..." Never brought up again. a month later. Both take the relationship quiz (EVEN THOUGH they have never formalized an exclusive agreement) that indicates they're 'secure' attachers in their romantic relationship  See...we show our love, and know the other loves us and just don't need to say it - we show it (discreetly). |
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lucky
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Posts: 29
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Post by lucky on Jan 3, 2018 18:31:37 GMT
I think that is a good way to put it...I also think there is an understanding that it isn't personal...taking time and space doesn't mean you are trying to "avoid" the other person...but I think that is how it can come across to others. There is a lot of literature that says that if he isn't calling/texting you daily...then he just isn't into you....and that just feeds into the "space is a bad sign" misunderstanding. Absolutely spot on! The rather crass literature around this and sometimes the comments from peers ("if he doesn't text you every day he's probably seeing somebody else!") really doesn't help and really feeds fears. I agree. I had never found myself wanting to consider an ongoing thing an avoidant before my current friend. I had been having brief periods of insecurity & self-doubt - which is very rare for me. For some reason, I just assumed he wasn't the same as me, so I headed to Dr. Google. Dr Google told me he wasn't into me. But I knew that couldn't be right. So, instead of listening, I decided to treat him how *i* would want to be treated (crazy Golden Rule) & it's been pretty smooth sailing since. Those online advice sections rarely consider that someone might be encountering an avoidant, which is strange considering what a high % are avoidants. |
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Post by yasmin on Jan 4, 2018 0:10:54 GMT
Yes. I agree with that. But there's very obvious differences between someone who's avoidant and "not that into you" and the main and most obvious one is thatbtheyre not that into ANYBODY  |
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