How do I stop the silent treatment from my FA boyfriend?

You asked, “How do I stop the silent treatment from my FA boyfriend?” In short: you don’t, because you can’t. It’s not in your control.

It’s challenging to offer advice to someone you don’t know, and especially when so much context is missing. I’m wary of trying to use attachment theory as if it’s a cheat code to understand a complex human, or as if it’s a rulebook that prescribes our own behavior in response to someone else. It doesn’t – or at least shouldn’t – work that way. Often when we’re distressed, we want to use attachment theory to try to understand someone else, or to control situations out of our control, as a way of managing our own difficult, internal “stuff.” Too often, attachment theory becomes weaponized by us insecure folks in an attempt to control another insecure loved one, or to avoid examining our own patterns and taking accountability for our own behavior. Better to turn that focus inwards toward ourselves. Rather than trying to understand the “why” of someone else’s behavior, focus on the “what” and “how” of how you intend to show up for yourself, and inside your relationship.

We all cope with our internal stuff differently. Some need time and physical separation (i.e. “space”) to regulate themselves and collect their thoughts. It’s actually a wise approach, within reason, and so long as the taking of space is not to avoid difficult things, but rather a strategy or a plan to process one’s own stuff, regulate the body and nervous system, and communicate in a more effective way. This is not meant to excuse poor behavior in the taking of space. Ideally, someone ought to communicate when they can commit to return – and then follow through with that commitment – or at least be able to communicate along the way when they’re ready to return. Disappearing for days at a time without communicating isn’t healthy behavior inside of a loving relationship, and you get to decide if that behavior works for you. Ultimately, it’s an indication of the other person’s capacity if they feel the need to disappear for days without communicating.

As far as how to cope with the silent treatment, you cope by focusing on yourself, and resisting as much as possible the stories you feel compelled to tell yourself about the other person, about yourself, or about what you think their behavior says about you. Their taking of space has nothing to do with you, actually. Use the time to regulate yourself and soothe your inner children and emotions, engage with family and friends, or put time into your various interests. And as I said above, use the time to think about what your needs are, and if this kind of behavior is something you can – or should – tolerate. You can also use the time to examine why you felt compelled to attack and lash out at your partner to begin with – and perhaps attachment theory can be interesting and useful there to help you understand your own coping patterns.

There's probably a worthwhile conversation to have about how the open-ended taking of space leaves you feeling, and what it triggers in you. It’s not unreasonable to make a request that when your partner feels compelled to take space – which is legitimate and reasonable – to communicate with you when they can commit to return to the conversation.