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Post by tnr9 on Jan 8, 2018 13:02:03 GMT
So I am reading the book and I am already stirred up....triggered.....and it just adds to my deep desire for my ex and the "if onlys" are really painful. I feel incredibly disconnected from him and that disconnection sends warning bells that cause me to want to jump into action. I want contact...so I sent him an uplifting email and have received no reply. That shouldn't bother me...but it does...because it just adds a feeling of being ignored to a feeling of disconnection. It is however, unfair to expect anything from an ex...and I get that...this is my issue and I must sit in it. It is good work to do...but just really stinks to have to own this.
When I was younger, I used to say the opposite of love wasn't hate...it was "indifference". That was how I felt my parents felt about me...that I didn't matter. That connection was something that was up to me....that I had to make it happen because they really did not want it...were too busy with their own lives.
I hope for those of you who are reading that you are doing well.
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Post by tnr9 on Jan 8, 2018 14:42:45 GMT
Hi tnr9, Reading your last post, I would lile to steongly suggest you stop reaching out to him. Sending a mail and not being answered to puts you in a worse state than not sending it at all. dropping your anxiety levels takes time and action, and everytime you do sth like this, they skyrocket again, and you need to start from scratch. My 2 cents for the day. Yes...I agree with what you are saying....I definately do not want to continue a pursuit/ distance cycle with him....I tend to justify these moments of reaching out as me showing him that I still care and am here for him...which is exactly what I want from him. It stinks to see how I sabotage my own healing and go right back into the patterns that probably in part led to the breakup.  |
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Post by tnr9 on Jan 8, 2018 23:28:36 GMT
Today was long...with many moments where I wondered if I am going to ever get over my ex...and that is ok because that is real and that is where I am at today. I did not send any additional emails...I just tried to find peace with the one I did send. It is too easy to interpret this "space" as him moving on from me....that he has already found someone more easy and chill and better suited to give him the time he needs without any issues...without any misunderstandings. But I must acknowledge that I just don't know and in the not knowing...I will be ok. Thank you to everyone who has shown me such kindness. It really helps.  |
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Post by tnr9 on Jan 9, 2018 13:58:44 GMT
This has become a bit of a one sided online diary...but I wanted to share my latest thoughts.
I realize that there were times I invalidated my ex's needs because they were not really stated in a way that was "mutual"....example: Now that we spend more time together, we don't need to be so "touchy"....this was his way of saying, I need you to honor my personal space and I admit that I did not handle that request so well...I got sulky. Had I been able to just give him that without taking it personally, I think it would have improved our relationship. I think my ex many times met my needs in his own way (including going to my mom's for dinner when he really did not want to)...and because those seemed reasonable to me, his need for less touching and more space seemed unreasonable/personal/distancing. I know it can be hard to act upon when another person states their needs in a different way then we would like...but a partnership involves to people who are willing to support each other. I am truly sorry that I was unable to see this need of his clearly then...I hope that I am able to more more attuned in the future with others.
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Post by tnr9 on Jan 10, 2018 13:38:32 GMT
Last night I completed the assessment section of the Love me, don't leave me book and I have the following core beliefs: Abandonment, Emotional Deprivation,Defectiveness and Failure. As I was reading Failure...I thought about my ex...because I know that he has had many obstacles in his life and has made choices that in hindsight, were not helpful towards his long term future (haven't we all). I think of him as a Phoenix who rises from the ashes of his own undoing, over and over again. To me, he is the bravest person I know....but this isn't about him...it is about me and healing....so the next goal is to better understand these core beliefs.
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Post by tnr9 on Jan 11, 2018 18:55:47 GMT
Ok...so I have to own this....this morning my ex liked a post from a mutual friend...not a photo...just a post. But he has liked other posts/photos of her and I get the sense that he likes her and since she is my friend...this bothers me. Other than defriending everyone....I am not sure how to address this...my reaction is far more than the situation should allow so there is something deeper going on and I just don't know what it is.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 11, 2018 21:11:29 GMT
Ok...so I have to own this....this morning my ex liked a post from a mutual friend...not a photo...just a post. But he has liked other posts/photos of her and I get the sense that he likes her and since she is my friend...this bothers me. Other than defriending everyone....I am not sure how to address this...my reaction is far more than the situation should allow so there is something deeper going on and I just don't know what it is. I know you are venting but think it thorugh. What will your actions do to YOUR mental sate? 1) She is a MUTUAL friend. 2) If he does like her, it isn't her fault. She's done nothing wrong to you. 3) You are currently not dating. He's done nothing wrong to you in this instance. 4) What happens if you unfriend everyone, it may hurt other's feelings as they will have no idea what is going on and my not ask you for an explanation. They may just write you off. How do you address this. YOU DON'T. Sit with your feelings, cry kick scream break a dish if you have to but don't address this. The anxiety is talking. Think secure. If anything, is there a way to block what he posts? or From seeing his notifications? |
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Post by tnr9 on Jan 11, 2018 22:04:27 GMT
Ok...so I have to own this....this morning my ex liked a post from a mutual friend...not a photo...just a post. But he has liked other posts/photos of her and I get the sense that he likes her and since she is my friend...this bothers me. Other than defriending everyone....I am not sure how to address this...my reaction is far more than the situation should allow so there is something deeper going on and I just don't know what it is. I know you are venting but think it thorugh. What will your actions do to YOUR mental sate? 1) She is a MUTUAL friend. 2) If he does like her, it isn't her fault. She's done nothing wrong to you. 3) You are currently not dating. He's done nothing wrong to you in this instance. 4) What happens if you unfriend everyone, it may hurt other's feelings as they will have no idea what is going on and my not ask you for an explanation. They may just write you off. How do you address this. YOU DON'T. Sit with your feelings, cry kick scream break a dish if you have to but don't address this. The anxiety is talking. Think secure. If anything, is there a way to block what he posts? or From seeing his notifications? Oh...I won't act upon this today...but it does give me pause. I have been considering taking a FB break....not visiting it for at least 30 days....but i won't be able to accomplish that unless I remove the app from my phone and tablet. Otherwise...I am likely to check like I normally do and then have feelings of jealousy. I spoke to my friend a while ago about it...she said she noticed him liking more of her posts but that he has never reached out to her. |
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Post by Deleted on Jan 11, 2018 22:07:20 GMT
I know you are venting but think it thorugh. What will your actions do to YOUR mental sate? 1) She is a MUTUAL friend. 2) If he does like her, it isn't her fault. She's done nothing wrong to you. 3) You are currently not dating. He's done nothing wrong to you in this instance. 4) What happens if you unfriend everyone, it may hurt other's feelings as they will have no idea what is going on and my not ask you for an explanation. They may just write you off. How do you address this. YOU DON'T. Sit with your feelings, cry kick scream break a dish if you have to but don't address this. The anxiety is talking. Think secure. If anything, is there a way to block what he posts? or From seeing his notifications? Oh...I won't act upon this today...but it does give me pause. I have been considering taking a FB break....not visiting it for at least 30 days....but i won't be able to accomplish that unless I remove the app from my phone and tablet. Otherwise...I am likely to check like I normally do and then have feelings of jealousy. I spoke to my friend a while ago about it...she said she noticed him liking more of her posts but that he has never reached out to her. A break from social media certainly could help. I don't have a facebook account anymore at all. I haven't missed it one bit! Your real friends and family will keep in contact regardless Social Media or not. |
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Post by tnr9 on Jan 11, 2018 22:29:37 GMT
Oh...I won't act upon this today...but it does give me pause. I have been considering taking a FB break....not visiting it for at least 30 days....but i won't be able to accomplish that unless I remove the app from my phone and tablet. Otherwise...I am likely to check like I normally do and then have feelings of jealousy. I spoke to my friend a while ago about it...she said she noticed him liking more of her posts but that he has never reached out to her. A break from social media certainly could help. I don't have a facebook account anymore at all. I haven't missed it one bit! Your real friends and family will keep in contact regardless Social Media or not. The only thing is...I am a coleader of a particuliar community group.....so giving that up would stink. Not sure what the answer is...because even if I defriending my ex..I know I will still look for his likes on other friends pages. I need to really spend time considering what to do because every time he likes something...I swirl and I feel like it takes me back to square 1. It also (unfortunately) reminds me of how much time I spent "online" struggling with jealousy, unable to calm myself down..it felt so very surreal....and I knew it wasn't healthy....but I just was unable to stop. I know now I am getting better because as much as these memories pain me....I remind myself that my ex also could have helped...that this wasn't just me making stuff up out of this air...that I felt that he wasn't fully present even when he was with me. Oh well. |
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Post by tnr9 on Jan 12, 2018 2:15:27 GMT
Tonight I went to the mall to get out of my head....but it did not really work because I saw couple after couple and I ended up missing my ex. Then I went to the grocery store and one of his favorite songs came on the radio. I ended up driving home and having a good cry....during which I could sense myself comparing who I am to the mutual friend. I started to think about all the ways she is a better match than I am...how she has more faith than I do, how she is more positive, how she is also a conservative, how she enjoys running and keeping fit, how she enjoys making healthy food, how she has a strong and confident demeanor, how she likely wouldn't swirl when he needs distance and she has strong boundaries. This is what I do all the time...and it hurts...but I just need to be honest about it because we can't grow if our stuff is kept in the dark. It has to be exposed to the light.
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Post by tnr9 on Jan 12, 2018 16:22:40 GMT
Today has been awesomely weird.....I had a lot of negative thoughts last night regarding my ex coming back to the community we met at,...I am still not sure how that will go.....but I realize that I need to face this head on. I need to detangle my worth from this man and I can't do it by avoiding him. I may have to leave the group and that makes me sad....but it is the most secure/adult thing I can do to let him come back.
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Post by tnr9 on Jan 19, 2018 2:06:37 GMT
Tonight I am not in a good place...I love wn it...I am sitting in it with all the parts of me who want to know "why"....why wasn't I good enough" "why couldn't I have just given him.....space, time, distance". It feels like drowning in a familiar pool of thoughts...so many of them. Over and over in frantic rhythms..as if finding the answers will change the outcome. So I sit in the swirl and just breath...because breathing is the only thing I feel I can control right now.
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